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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

56 replies

Hungryhippo1320 · 09/09/2021 14:20

Hi, I'm new to this but I am desperate for some unbiased advice. Myself and my fiancé are in the process of moving in together. We have 3 children between us and we both have full time custody of our children.
I work 5 days a week, school hours. My fiancé doesn't work, he is the main carer for his youngest who has autism.
The house that we are moving in to need some tlc, the bedrooms need sanding and painting as well as the living room. Our carpets are being fitted a week tomorrow. Now the problem is that my fiancé hadn't done any work in the house, he believes that I should do it as well, to show willing. I disagree, as I said he doesn't work, he has had ample opportunity to do the sanding and filling over the summer ready for the carpets to be fitted. I am not saying that I won't help, I've said that once he's done what needs to be done, I will go in and clean the house ready to help him paint but he is not happy with that. He has all the tools and is more than capable, he was a painter and decorator before he got full custody. I feel that he is being quite selfish with it all and quite honestly I'm hurt that he won't do the ground work for our little family and our new home together. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 09/09/2021 14:28

You're out working 5 days a week and he won't start the work on your house when he's there all day? What? I'd be re considering moving in with a guy who thinks the way he does tbh

litterbird · 09/09/2021 14:34

Your partner is the full time carer for his autistic child. I work with autistic children and know that it takes a huge amount of time and patience to work with them. Have you realised that he cant do any of the work due to his commitment to his child? As he doesn't work I am assuming that the child is at home all day or are they in school during the day? If the child goes to school all day then your partner can get a part time job in school hours as you do. If he stays a home whilst the child is at school then yes, he should be getting on with the decorating especially if that was his trade!!

Comedycook · 09/09/2021 14:37

How old is the child with autism? Are they in school or at home all day? If the latter, then I understand his point. If they're at school then I agree with you

DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight · 09/09/2021 14:37

I said he doesn't work, he has had ample opportunity to do the sanding and filling over the summer

Was he also looking after all 3 children (including yours) full time over the summer though?

romdowa · 09/09/2021 14:39

If he is this lazy and entitled then i wouldn't be moving in with him at all.

UserAtLargeAgain · 09/09/2021 14:40

How old are the DC? If any of them (particularly the one with autism who presumably needs a fair bit of support if DP is a full time carer) are at home during the day, I don't think you can expect him to engage in much DIY during the day.

Original poster

Hungryhippo1320 · 09/09/2021 14:41

All our children are in full time mainstream school. No he wasn't looking after my child during the holidays. His mum lives with him at the moment (she just sold her house and is waiting to be able to move to Spain) so he has had childcare available over the summer to go and do what has needed to be done. It has now gotten so bad that we are constantly arguing over it and on the verge of ending the relationship.

OP posts:

fidgetmad · 09/09/2021 14:42

So if his autistic son is in school full time what does he do all day when you're working?

I would absolutely not put up with that

Comedycook · 09/09/2021 14:42

@Hungryhippo1320

Ok then he should be doing it. I'm a sahm and kids are school age. I have decorated rooms whilst they are at school and I'm totally self taught. If he's a professional decorator, I imagine it wouldn't take him long.

What does he do all day?

Anordinarymum · 09/09/2021 14:43

Well if he is like this now.................... what's it going to be like in the future

Auroreforet · 09/09/2021 14:45

I wouldn't move in with him.
This should be a happy and exciting event.
I think your dp is used to having women running around after him.
He's replacing his dm with you.

Original poster

Hungryhippo1320 · 09/09/2021 14:47

He said that he wants me to go and show willing. I am completely at a loss for words, its just so ridiculous. He has all the time, knowledge, experience and tools to have had it all done. I think I need to seriously reconsider the whole thing 😔

OP posts:

Comedycook · 09/09/2021 14:52

Yes it's outrageous.

Does he at least do the household chores while you're at working? The cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry?

ErickBroch · 09/09/2021 14:55

He's a twat, there's no excuse. Not sure how he's a 'full time carer' when his son goes to mainstream school, as does my autistic sibling.

Original poster

Hungryhippo1320 · 09/09/2021 14:56

Yes, he's very good around the house and with the children.

OP posts:

HerrenaHarridan · 09/09/2021 15:02

He’s said he wants you to go and show willing.

You’ve said it twice

Is that so much to ask?

Have you asked why it’s important to him?

What’s this really about for you?

AryaStarkWolf · 09/09/2021 15:03

"show willing" that gets my back up and I don't know why. It's very patronising or something, like something a teacher would say to a child

Talipesmum · 09/09/2021 15:07

If you work school hours, haven’t you had the entire holidays to be helping out with the preparation, or did you only just get the house after the holidays?

Original poster

Hungryhippo1320 · 09/09/2021 15:08

I've said I will go and clean up after all the sanding is done and help him paint. I am not unwilling to help. I've been to the house already and cleaned the kitchen from.top.to bottom. Yet he still hasn't sanded and filled the living room and the 4 bedrooms. Yesterday, after I'd finished work, he wanted me to go with him so I could clear the rubbish from the front garden. I refused. I just want him to do those 2 things where they need to be done so we can't paint and be ready for the carpets to be laid.

OP posts:

litterbird · 09/09/2021 15:24

I would be seriously putting a hold on moving in together until you resolve this. If he moves in without work he will become what is known as a cocklodger. Are you prepared and ready to blend your families? Are you prepared and ready to be the only one working for the family? I should be questioning everything right now.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 09/09/2021 15:27

Seriously, don't. He's told you what he wants... he does next to nothing and you do it almost all. So don't move in with him, unless you want to carry him for the rest of your life.

HerrenaHarridan · 09/09/2021 15:38

Sounds like power games to me. From both of you.

What are you really upset about?

Because the thing with relationships is they are supposed to bring you joy. Winning points by getting it done the way you think it should be done shouldn’t come above communicating with the human you apparently want to enjoy sharing that space with when it’s finished

JustAnother0ldMan · 09/09/2021 15:40

I kinda get where he is coming from, sanding and prep for paint is boring and dusty work and maybe he feels that you do some to make it feel like both of you have done some of it.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2021 15:46

What on earth are you doing with this selfish, entitled cocklodger? The mind boggles. He saw you coming, but it's time to stop being a doormat. Put your kids first, fgs.

billy1966 · 09/09/2021 15:51

Are you out of your tiny mind moving in with such a laxy waster?

Why would you do this to your children?

Are you so desperate for a man, any man, that you would move such and utter waster into your poor children's lives.

I just cannot understand women like you and I feel so sorry for your children.

Cop on and wake up.

You are volunteering tonwalk into a complete shit show and dragging your poor children with you.

How could you do that?

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