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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

56 replies

Hungryhippo1320 · 09/09/2021 14:20

Hi, I'm new to this but I am desperate for some unbiased advice. Myself and my fiancé are in the process of moving in together. We have 3 children between us and we both have full time custody of our children.
I work 5 days a week, school hours. My fiancé doesn't work, he is the main carer for his youngest who has autism.
The house that we are moving in to need some tlc, the bedrooms need sanding and painting as well as the living room. Our carpets are being fitted a week tomorrow. Now the problem is that my fiancé hadn't done any work in the house, he believes that I should do it as well, to show willing. I disagree, as I said he doesn't work, he has had ample opportunity to do the sanding and filling over the summer ready for the carpets to be fitted. I am not saying that I won't help, I've said that once he's done what needs to be done, I will go in and clean the house ready to help him paint but he is not happy with that. He has all the tools and is more than capable, he was a painter and decorator before he got full custody. I feel that he is being quite selfish with it all and quite honestly I'm hurt that he won't do the ground work for our little family and our new home together. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Famousinlove · 09/09/2021 15:52

Has he 'shown willing'?

AryaStarkWolf · 09/09/2021 15:56

@JustAnother0ldMan

I kinda get where he is coming from, sanding and prep for paint is boring and dusty work and maybe he feels that you do some to make it feel like both of you have done some of it.

The OP is at work all day and he's sitting on his arse doing nothing while his kids are in school, are you for real?

WallaceinAnderland · 09/09/2021 16:04

I have a couple of questions. Have you ever lived with him before and are you buying or renting the new place?

DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight · 09/09/2021 16:07

The OP is at work all day and he's sitting on his arse doing nothing while his kids are in school, are you for real?

Schools have only just gone back & OP clearly says she’s talking about the summer when there was no school & the children were at home. OP expected his mother to provide childcare for his two children so he could work on the house as per her last post.

OP also says she works school hours & so it’s unclear whether OP was also off over the summer.

EL8888 · 09/09/2021 16:13

No. He is though. Its not too late to back out, living with him sounds like a mistake. He sounds impressively lazy

Mamabear188473 · 09/09/2021 16:13

Give an inch …

UserAtLargeAgain · 09/09/2021 16:18

How much care does his son need? If he (say) is up all night with him, then I can understand the reluctance to get on with things during the day.

JustAnother0ldMan · 09/09/2021 16:22

@AryaStarkWolf
Yes of course I’m for real, that’s almost certainly what he is thinking.

I didn’t say I agree with that POV, but I would imagine that is how he is thinking,

Littlegemlettuce · 09/09/2021 16:43

Going out on a limb here… is it possible he feels overwhelmed with the bits you’ve asked him to do?

Could he not know where to start & be ok once he got going/got the majority of it done?

Also, does your mum care for his autistic child regularly? I have 2 with autism & can’t really leave them with relatives, so maybe he wouldn’t have felt comfortable leaving his with her to have done anything over the summer?

Just an idea.

Hen2018 · 09/09/2021 16:51

Your partner has spent the summer looking after his autistic child. I literally can’t do anything unless my autistic son is at school.

You work school hours. What have you been doing all summer?

fidgetmad · 09/09/2021 17:12

@UserAtLargeAgain

How much care does his son need? If he (say) is up all night with him, then I can understand the reluctance to get on with things during the day.

Unlikely if his son is in mainstream school full time

nimbuscloud · 09/09/2021 17:14

What do the children think about this ?

bigbaggyeyes · 09/09/2021 18:01

If he did all the childcare whilst you were at work and you came home to a cooked meal and a tidy house etc then I'd say that you should both do 50/50 when you're at home. But it sounds like he's not doing anything whilst the dc are at school, so I think you're well within your rights to down tools

UserAtLargeAgain · 09/09/2021 18:43

@bigbaggyeyes

How on earth did you manage to infer that from Q: "Does he at least do the household chores?" OP: "Yes, he's very good around the house and with the children" ?

I appreciate that this is relationships and the default position for a man is "useless" but let's not make up things.

TheFoundations · 09/09/2021 19:57

How does he spend his days whilst you're at work and the children are at school, OP?

This 'show willing' thing... what's behind that? It sounds like he thinks he's in charge of you and you need to demonstrate the right attitude to him in order that he'll be willing to have a functional relationship with you. I can't picture a situation where adult a says to adult b that they needed to show willing, and adult b doesn't say 'Up yours, 'boss'!'

Is he normally respectful of the fact that you have a lot less time and energy than him, because you use it up by going to work?

category12 · 09/09/2021 20:02

Have you off over the summer?

Tsubasa1 · 09/09/2021 20:04

Yanbu, given his child is at school...

MrsMaizel · 09/09/2021 20:15

Just don't do it - you know it is a step to disaster .

someonesomewhere7 · 10/09/2021 07:34

@Hungryhippo1320

He said that he wants me to go and show willing. I am completely at a loss for words, its just so ridiculous. He has all the time, knowledge, experience and tools to have had it all done. I think I need to seriously reconsider the whole thing 😔

I would have laughed in his face. That's a very very bloody red flag. Don't move in.

AttaGirrrrl · 10/09/2021 07:43

Does he look after his child during the day or are they at school? Who did the childcare of all of your children over the summer?

Onelifeonly · 10/09/2021 07:57

It is difficult to form an opinion because it seems like you have BOTH had time over the summer to do the job?

Also I have done the lion's share of the decorating over the years (we both work but I get school holidays off) but I do appreciate when my DP helps out. 4 rooms plus a living room sounds daunting to me (but maybe that's because our house is over 200 years old with all sorts of idiosyncrasies).

What wouldn't impress me is him not having some sort of job, at least in term times, unless you are sure he will carry his weight in other ways.

Onelifeonly · 10/09/2021 07:58

Our house is over 100, not 200 years old.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2021 08:01

Seems like neither of you wish to do it. That’s the fundamental issue.

If the genders were reversed here you’d have your arse handed to you, but as you’re a woman, and he’s a stay at home dad, of course he’s a lazy cocklodger.

JustAnother0ldMan · 10/09/2021 08:47

I'm hurt that he won't do the ground work for our little family and our new home together. Am I being unreasonable?

Personally , I think Yes, is it a little unreasonable to expect him to do all the ground work on a home that is going to be shared,

If the guy was on the tools by trade, then some / most of the work yes, but for a shared home, not all

Sidehustle99 · 10/09/2021 09:15

Get out now. He's shown you who he is

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