How do I deal with my anger at my mother?

[FlamingoYellow]

Just under a year ago I separated from my husband. I felt he was emotionally abusive although I do still question myself as to whether this was still really the case. He initially refused to leave the family home or to agree to it being sold and wanted me and our children to move out instead but he eventually agreed that he would move out and let us stay in the house. We ended up living together for months while he made excuses as to why he couldn't move out just yet.

I thought he was lying to me so eventually I sneaked a look at the messages on his phone (I know I shouldn't have done) between him and his best friend and discovered that he was stringing me along and had no intention of moving out, so I took the dcs and moved into a small rented flat as I was desperate to get out. In one of the messages between H and his friend he was boasting about how my mum now hated me. This seemed very strange to me because I have always been very close to my dm and she had been texting me as usual most days. I ended up looking at the messages between H and my dm and was completely shocked to read her texts talking about me in a very cold way. Some of the things she had said about me were really horrible. She was also advising my H to seek a solicitor's advice, claim cms from me, even offering to let him move in with her and she would care for the dcs while he was at work so he could have full custody of them! I have always done 90% of everything related to caring for our dcs so for him to have them full time made no sense!

I spoke to my siblings and they advised me to talk to our dm but not tell her everything I knew about the messages. I spoke to her and told her I felt she had taken H's side over mine and I was angry with her. She got upset, deflected, told me she had 'misunderstood' and had thought that I was giving the dcs up? We left it at that as I knew she was tired and stressed from caring for my dad who has multiple chronic illnesses.

We have since gone back to being really close but I feel like my trust in her has been destroyed. I keep thinking about the way she spoke about me in those texts and wondering if she still feels that way about me. H still visits her about once a week to help out with DIY etc, which I am very grateful for but I'm now paranoid about her being so close to him and I'm careful with what I tell her in case she passes any of it on to him. My relationship with H is civil but he is still controlling me through sale of the house, the divorce and the dcs. I'm desperate to talk to my dm and tell her how hurt I feel but my dad is currently acutely ill in hospital and my dm feels he is coming to the end of his life, so I don't feel that now is the right time to bring all this up.

The problem is, how do I deal with my feelings about this? I can't seem to get over the hurt and upset and I have my own feelings of grief at the prospect of losing my Dad on top of all of that, plus the stress of dealing with H etc, which doesn't help matters!

Sorry, that was so long

Why the fuck are you “back close” with someone like her? Ask yourself this first and foremost

There is a reason you ended up in an abusive relationship and that was because you were trained to Be, by her/your upbringing

You have a right to your anger, you need to process it

If you can afford therapy, that’s your best shot. If you can’t, then please look at women’s aid for their support, they may have groups you can join, or you can talk through feelings with them or the Samaritans perhaps?

You’re feeling betrayed, and with good reason

You can’t build trust where there is no foundation for it. So distance yourself a bit and see if you can find peace and support elsewhere

God, that betrayal must really hurt. Your mum isnt a safe person for you and once you've really processed that, the next step would be to withdrawal from being close to her. There is a reason you are angry and you need to Honor that feeling because you are absolutely entitled to feel it. Be honest with how you feel, pushing something as monumental as this under the carpet will send you round the twist. And I would imagine that the reason your mother and stbeh are close is because they are cut from the same abusive cloth.

The thing is she is not abusive at all. She is the loveliest, kindest person who would normally do anything for me and my siblings. This is all so out of character for her. When I read those texts I couldn't believe she'd really written them. My siblings were equally confused as none of her have ever known her to be like that. She is honestly a normal, loving mother usually! I would be devastated not to have her in my life.

Wow. That is unbelievably awful behaviour, I'm so sorry. Like the PP I don't understand how you could be back in a position of being "close" - what she did would be relationship-ending for me, and I don't say that lightly. It makes me wonder if in fact you she has a long history of bad behaviour that has given you really poor boundaries with her, and a warped view of what is acceptable?

So YOU don’t have to do anything. She has to do the work. Tell her exactly what you found and that she will now need to work properly to gain your trust.

Fuck. I would have hit the roof at a parent conspiring to help my abusive partner get my DC.

Just seen your update - I'm not surprised you are confused.

Does she have old-fashioned views about single mothers or men being the "head of the household" that could have led to her trying to protect your H's interests?

I think you need to be very wary of your Mum, she seems enmeshed with your STBXH.

Your mother is either havibg a sexual or emotional affair with your husband

She can be quite old-fashioned about staying in your marriage no matter what and she was very disappointed when I said I wanted to divorce H and tried to convince me to give him another chance, although more recently she has said that she was wrong to do that and that if she had known years ago how abusive he was towards me then she would have done whatever she could to get me out. She said he told her that I was planning on moving out and leaving the dcs with him, that he paid for everything and so couldn't afford to look after the dcs alone, etc. She said she thought it sounded strange at the time (but didn't think to ask me about it?).

I feel like she has very different expectations of me and of H. For example, in the messages she was encouraging him to go through CMS for maintenence from me for the dcs and that I had to pay, but when I told her that H had refused to pay a penny towards our dcs she said that was fair enough because he doesn't have a good career like I do - he earns the same amount as me!

I can't really have it out with her right now as she is in a very fragile place due to my dad being so ill and other stresses.

Is it possible that your ex has manipulated this whole situation? You are currently in a position where you feel betrayed by your mum - could he have been pouring poison in her ear about you and leaving her feeling just as confused and betrayed as you are?

Honestly, you can have it out with her. She was an absolute bitch to you when you were in a terrible place.

Yep your H did a number on her and she's stuck in old fashioned misogynistic views.

When your Mum is in a better place tell her that you want your STBXH out of her life as he is not to be trusted and poison

Are you sure he's only doing DIY for her?

My mother is a covert narcissist- to my face she was supposedly lovely for years

Then she wasn’t. Then she sided with the ex, then she pulled rugs from under me

If you’re sure she’s been manipulated, then sit with her and explain what you know and ask why she’s said what she’s said.

I’m guessing she’ll deny it completely

I suspect that the texts you saw were your 'real' mum. She probably thought you'd never find out. She has been manipulating you without you realising it. My DM is like this, sweet and innocent to your face, back stabbing to everyone when you're not there. I found out a lot of things she had been saying to other people years after the event. Mine also sided with my exDH when we split. He absolutely loved it, being able to isolate me from my family.

I really would be wary of her. You have seen the evidence. What sort of mother does that to her child? Also, is there a bias towards males in your family of origin? Mine see men as princes, women as servants and unimportant. You will never change that attitude.

Are you close to your DM or enmeshed with her? Perhaps some therapy to explore your relationship would be useful. I didn't realise I had been emotionally abused until I detached and sought validation for my experiences with a therapist. Also the Stately Homes thread in Relationships is a very good source of advice and support.

When the health crisis is over, in your position, I think I would explain exactly what I'd read that has been such a betrayal, and make it clear that things will always be different now.

I can't really have it out with her right now as she is in a very fragile place

So her feelings are more important than yours, then?

I feel like my trust in her has been destroyed

Do you not think that you are in a fragile place?

I think the real question here is why are you downplaying your feelings? I suspect there might be a backstory here that you might not be aware of yourself, OP. Your Mum has done something really horrible, and then, when challenged, she's shifted out from under the weight of the responsibility. Even if she believed what he supposedly said, do you think that justifies her sending horrible messages about you behind your back?

The way to deal with your feelings is to respect them. Something inside you is telling you that things don't feel right. Feelings are signposts. If you don't follow them, you end up in an emotional terrain that you don't know how to navigate; and then you end up posting on a forum for guidance.

What are your feelings actually saying to you? You're angry at her? You don't want her anywhere near you? You need a full explanation from her about why she said the things she said? What do you actually want, regarding her, if you strip away all the social convention and tact and shoulds?

Your mother is not the kind, lovely person you thought/think she is. I'm sorry, but it's true. She is a viper in the grass and has put on quite a show during your lifetime. I'm astounded that you can have a relationship with this woman after discovering who she really is.

What TheFoundations has written here do not swallow down your own valid feelings here.

Your mother cannot be trusted and is not the nice person she has made herself out to be. She and your ex H are likely one and the same; in him she found a kindred spirit. Its also likely because of her attitudes also that you ended up in an abusive relationship with this man in the first place.

I would read about mother and daughter enmeshment and see how much of that relates to your mother and you.

Is it possible she wrote a load of horrible stuff she doesn't believe to keep your ex on side and saying what she thought he'd like to hear? I can see if she was desperately (probably illogically) worrying about maintaining a relationship with grandchildren in the future and thought him having custody or shared custody might be an outcome. Maybe she would never have done so if she thought you would one day read those texts and be hurt... Only way to find out for sure is to have it out with her. Just wanted to suggest an option that isn't that her true feelings are the ones she texted to your ex and the supportive mother she has been to you all your life is the lie.

This is utterly appalling! If someone ANYONE had tried to get my kids removed from me I’d never have anything to do with my them again .

What your mother is saying is a pack of lies. If I thought my Dd was thinking of leaving her kids, the first thing I’d do is talk to her and give my full support. Not collude with her abusive ex.

She is poison. Op you need therapy / counselling fast and to keep your kids away from her. Because she is a risk to them.

There is a scent of 'Jerry Springer Show' about your mother's close involvement with your ex. Why is she colluding with him? Why the closeness? A mother who is so duplicitous and underhand, may have little scruples to shack up with her daughter’s ex too. I mean, she was more or less planning to step into your shoes, taking the kids and otherwise filling your role. And I would not believe for one minute that she was playing a double agent! She has no idea that you know about her messages to your ex and if this was a ploy to help, you would have heard that from her. Please protect yourself from her and do not trust her. Do not confide anything or let her know any of your sensitive information. She may be feeding that back to him!

I would never speak to her again

Your mother is a viper.

Those texts to your ex is who she is behind your back.

No decent mother would dream of doing something so dishonest, dishonourable, so underhand towards their daughter.

How you can look at her, not to mind speak to her, I really don't know.

I hope you don't have any enemies, because with a mother like yours you really don't need them.

I think you should protect yourself carefully, because she is an absolute disgrace.