How do I deal with my anger at my mother?

[FlamingoYellow]

Just under a year ago I separated from my husband. I felt he was emotionally abusive although I do still question myself as to whether this was still really the case. He initially refused to leave the family home or to agree to it being sold and wanted me and our children to move out instead but he eventually agreed that he would move out and let us stay in the house. We ended up living together for months while he made excuses as to why he couldn't move out just yet.

I thought he was lying to me so eventually I sneaked a look at the messages on his phone (I know I shouldn't have done) between him and his best friend and discovered that he was stringing me along and had no intention of moving out, so I took the dcs and moved into a small rented flat as I was desperate to get out. In one of the messages between H and his friend he was boasting about how my mum now hated me. This seemed very strange to me because I have always been very close to my dm and she had been texting me as usual most days. I ended up looking at the messages between H and my dm and was completely shocked to read her texts talking about me in a very cold way. Some of the things she had said about me were really horrible. She was also advising my H to seek a solicitor's advice, claim cms from me, even offering to let him move in with her and she would care for the dcs while he was at work so he could have full custody of them! I have always done 90% of everything related to caring for our dcs so for him to have them full time made no sense!

I spoke to my siblings and they advised me to talk to our dm but not tell her everything I knew about the messages. I spoke to her and told her I felt she had taken H's side over mine and I was angry with her. She got upset, deflected, told me she had 'misunderstood' and had thought that I was giving the dcs up? We left it at that as I knew she was tired and stressed from caring for my dad who has multiple chronic illnesses.

We have since gone back to being really close but I feel like my trust in her has been destroyed. I keep thinking about the way she spoke about me in those texts and wondering if she still feels that way about me. H still visits her about once a week to help out with DIY etc, which I am very grateful for but I'm now paranoid about her being so close to him and I'm careful with what I tell her in case she passes any of it on to him. My relationship with H is civil but he is still controlling me through sale of the house, the divorce and the dcs. I'm desperate to talk to my dm and tell her how hurt I feel but my dad is currently acutely ill in hospital and my dm feels he is coming to the end of his life, so I don't feel that now is the right time to bring all this up.

The problem is, how do I deal with my feelings about this? I can't seem to get over the hurt and upset and I have my own feelings of grief at the prospect of losing my Dad on top of all of that, plus the stress of dealing with H etc, which doesn't help matters!

Sorry, I did replay to this thread earlier but it didn't go through for some reason!

I've googled some of these terms and had a think about it and I guess I would agree that my relationship with her is not particularly healthy and probably co-dependant. I feel like that came from me rather than her though as I was very needy/clingy as a child and was always desperate for her attention. I know I copy this pattern in romantic relationships too, although I really try not to.

I think I should probably have some therapy sessions. How do I find a therapist who deals with stuff like this? I had a few sessions with someone when I first split from my ex but they weren't very helpful.

All children need their mothers. All children are clingy towards their mothers. All children are desperate for their mother's attention and approval.

The fact that you see this as a problematic relationship dynamic that you created, as a child, indicates that there is a parenting issue here. She made you feel that you were the problem when you were a child, and she's tried to make out that you were the problem in your marriage. Does she take responsibility, ever?

Humans replicate as adults what they learned from their parents as children. Your Mum didn't give you the attention you needed; that was the fault that occurred, and it wasn't yours. You now replicate that pattern in adult relationships, by meeting partners who don't give you the attention that you need, and blaming yourself for being needy. And then you minimise your feelings, like you're trying to do with your distrust of your Mum now, so that your feelings don't mess up everyone else's feelings.

You can fix this all by putting your own feelings front and centre. If you feel like you don't trust your Mum, distance yourself from her, or get angry with her, or tell her you can go no further without her accepting responsibility for what she did. Do whatever it is that YOU need to do. And in relationships, surround yourself with people who love you the way you want to be loved, and distance yourself from anybody with whom you feel like your emotional responses are 'needy'. There is no 'correct' level of neediness. You are the exact right level of needy for you. If someone says you are 'too needy', what they're saying is 'You're too needy for me', and all that means is that they are not a good match for you, and they want you to be different from how you are.

@TheFoundations
Great post.

OP,
You are being very hard on yourself.

There isn't any excuse for your mothers behaviour.
It was the very essence of dishonest.

Own your upset and displeasure, you have every right to be both angry and appalled by her behaviour.

Her betrayal is utterly shocking. Most mothers would defend their daughters to the death. I know its probably not the case but have you considered that she may have the onset of dementia?

Very interesting and helpful post @TheFoundations, thank you.

Definitely not dementia.

Just because Mummy dearest is in a fragile place doesn't mean you have to be Jesus to her Judas! She betrayed you in the most primal way-to get your kids away from you! You're trying to earn her approval? Affection? Love? I wouldn't throw water on my mom if she was on fire if she pulled this shit with me! Whatever you have to do get some psychotherapy. Do not trust her at all-she's a snake in the grass

The fact your Mother bought what your DH was telling her so quickly and completely is very telling. She turned on you so easily.

Did she ever have your back growing up? Did she ever defend you?

@cheeseismydownfall

Is it possible that your ex has manipulated this whole situation? You are currently in a position where you feel betrayed by your mum - could he have been pouring poison in her ear about you and leaving her feeling just as confused and betrayed as you are?

Absolutely he has. Nasty devious... And very plausibly too... grrrrt HATE manipulators who care nothing about the damage they do

@FlamingoYellow

The thing is she is not abusive at all. She is the loveliest, kindest person who would normally do anything for me and my siblings. This is all so out of character for her. When I read those texts I couldn't believe she'd really written them. My siblings were equally confused as none of her have ever known her to be like that. She is honestly a normal, loving mother usually! I would be devastated not to have her in my life.

Are you sure it was her and that your DP hadn't used another phone and put number down as your mum?

Could it be early dementia?

Sorry hadn't read thread.

He must have told her stuff to make her belive that I was abandoning the dcs. She said she 'misunderstood' something that I told her and thought that I meant I was leaving the children. But then I think if I was a mother in that situation I would be worried sick about my child's mental health and be rallying around them trying to understand WHY they were abandoning children and giving them all the support I could, not talking to their ex about them in a really cold, bitchy way. Why was I not her main concern? She told me when I confronted her that she didn't want to take sides and I told her she SHOULD be taking sides because I am her child and she is the one person who is supposed to have my back no matter what.

I think above all I need to have answers from her but I know as soon as I talk to her about it she will get tearful and defensive and tell me how difficult everything has been for her (which it has) and then I will feel guilty.

So crying to deflect, manipulate and distract from what she has done.

OP,
Your anger is LEGITIMATE.

Your mother has behaved dreadfully.

That is all we can confirm to you on here.

What you do with this, is up to you.

Protect yourself from her as a start.
She is not trustworthy.

I'm spending the weekend with her so I will see how she is and maybe talk to her then.

Many parents are abusive cu#ts.
Google Alice Miller and read some of her books.

I think above all I need to have answers from her but I know as soon as I talk to her about it she will get tearful and defensive and tell me how difficult everything has been for her (which it has) and then I will feel guilty

She's manipulating you, you know that, don't you? You can't sit down and have a long conversation and talk it all out because she'll just manipulate. Ask specific questions, calmly and quietly, and tell her what the consequences will be if you don't get the answers you need. Then leave it with her, even if she's upset. Follow through with the consequences if necessary.

Do you yourself know what the consequences will be if the two of you can't resolve this?

if she had known years ago how abusive he was towards me then she would have done whatever she could to get me out. She said he told her that I was planning on moving out and leaving the dcs with him, that he paid for everything and so couldn't afford to look after the dcs alone

Can you not see that your mum is a victim of his emotional abuse and controlling behaviour too? She is already under emotional pressure dealing with your father's illness and it sounds as though your ex is still taking advantage and manipulating her, and consequently you, by still visiting her every week. Your reaction now, wanting to fall out with your mum is exactly what he wants.
Tell him to stop visiting your mum (get her other diy help if necessary!). Acknowledge that he has manipulated you both. Get some counselling to help you move on.
Mumsnet is a bit like a bear pit, plenty of people will pile on here with comments to whip up your anger and push you to take it out on your mum. In real life... you've said that you've always been close, do you really want to lose what time you have left with your parents to this? Now that you are away from your ex, don't let him have any more control over you.

I think above all I need to have answers from her but I know as soon as I talk to her about it she will get tearful and defensive and tell me how difficult everything has been for her (which it has) and then I will feel guilty

I think it’s very risky to make your own healing dependent on her saying the things you want her to say. You can’t compel speech. You can’t force her to do anything at all.

I can tell you right now what she will say.

“ It was just a misunderstand, I would have spoken to you direct but I was scared to in case you took it the wrong way / attacked me / blamed me / you were unstable / . You are always so difficult / demanding / angry / unreasonable, I can’t talk to you”.

“ I can’t believe you are speaking to he like this after all I’ve done for you < long list now >. I m not perfect but I will never meet your impossibly high standard.

After everything I’ve gone through < long list of how hard her life has been >.

She might finish it off by pretending to have chest pains or tell you that she’s ill / had a diagnosis . Maybe will a “ well I’d be dead soon and then you will be happy “.

Or you might get some nasty comments ascribed to someone else “Your Aunt Susan / neighbour / sister was just saying last week what a terrible daughter you are but I defended you “.

She WILL NOT tell the truth or take responsibility for her actions. She will not genuinely apologise and she will not change.

You will get DARVO with a touch of drama.

when I told her that H had refused to pay a penny towards our dcs she said that was fair enough because he doesn't have a good career like I do - he earns the same amount as me!
Are you sure your ex has not been spinning her a web of lies, e.g. involving him being poor, you earning twice what he does, refusing to share your extreme wealth, being nasty to the kids etc?
Has this whole thing taken place while your father has been ill, so that your mother has not been in the right place to exert her usual judgement?

I feel like that came from me rather than her though as I was very needy/clingy as a child and was always desperate for her attention
a) Who says you were unusually needy?
b) Why were you desperate for her attention? Was she not giving you any?

Is there a chance your ex has worked on your mum. If he's psychologically abusive and coercive I'm sure he'll be coercive with other people. Cod he have manipulated your mums thoughts ? She's vulnerable due to being fragile mentally dealing with your father's condition.

@Dancingsmile

Is there a chance your ex has worked on your mum. If he's psychologically abusive and coercive I'm sure he'll be coercive with other people. Cod he have manipulated your mums thoughts ? She's vulnerable due to being fragile mentally dealing with your father's condition.

If Mum's thoughts can be manipulated against her own child then it doesn't matter who or how or when or why she has been manipulated. She has abused her relationship with her daughter. Her daughter's role is not to find reasons/excuses for this, or to focus further on the abuser. It is to make clear to her mother what she needs, and to take necessary action should this fail to materialise.

Out of character or a side of her character you weren’t privy up until now? It sounds like your mother is two faced and and has no problems cosying up to your abusive Ex, whilst throwing you under the when it suits. You could have it out with her but I doubt it would change anything except her bullshitting you some more.

What can you do? Accept that this is who she is and not to expect her to behave better because she won’t. Its hard accepting the reality of a person’s character vs the one they present and the one you desperately want to believe. Let the memory of her deceit be the catalyst to maintaining some emotional distance from her.

If you’re really honest with yourself her behaviour isn’t as out of character as you desperately want it to be.

I wonder why if she thought you were going to leave your DC she didn't just ask you about it. It seems like a poor excuse fir her very bad behaviour. I would not be able to trust again after a revelation like that.

God your ‘d’m really is a snake.
I couldn’t forgive this betrayal and go NC with her. And make sure the DC don’t get too close to her because she might try use them next to gang up against you. I wouldn’t ever trust her again.

I see it as your ex has triangulated two women - a really common scenario - but unusual in that it's you and your mum. If your mum is genuinely a lovely person but going through some terrible stuff, your ex might well have manipulated her vulnerable state at the moment. I'm not making excuses for your mum, but this might well be the reason behind it.

I totally understand how your trust has been knocked by seeing this messages but you know your mum better than any of us do. It sounds like your mum has a separate relationship with your ex that she relies on a little (DIY) to you two being in a relationship and she's struggling for clarity about where she should sit.

We can all say her loyalties should be 100% to you, I imagine her loyalties are actually 100% to her grandchildren in this and she's been manipulated by your ex to believe some falsities about your behaviour.

If he was emotionally abusive to you, there's every chance he is doing the same to your mum and if she's as nice as you say and as you clearly are for having the capacity to see both sides, then she she is an easy victim too, unfortunately.