How do I deal with my anger at my mother?

[FlamingoYellow]

Just under a year ago I separated from my husband. I felt he was emotionally abusive although I do still question myself as to whether this was still really the case. He initially refused to leave the family home or to agree to it being sold and wanted me and our children to move out instead but he eventually agreed that he would move out and let us stay in the house. We ended up living together for months while he made excuses as to why he couldn't move out just yet.

I thought he was lying to me so eventually I sneaked a look at the messages on his phone (I know I shouldn't have done) between him and his best friend and discovered that he was stringing me along and had no intention of moving out, so I took the dcs and moved into a small rented flat as I was desperate to get out. In one of the messages between H and his friend he was boasting about how my mum now hated me. This seemed very strange to me because I have always been very close to my dm and she had been texting me as usual most days. I ended up looking at the messages between H and my dm and was completely shocked to read her texts talking about me in a very cold way. Some of the things she had said about me were really horrible. She was also advising my H to seek a solicitor's advice, claim cms from me, even offering to let him move in with her and she would care for the dcs while he was at work so he could have full custody of them! I have always done 90% of everything related to caring for our dcs so for him to have them full time made no sense!

I spoke to my siblings and they advised me to talk to our dm but not tell her everything I knew about the messages. I spoke to her and told her I felt she had taken H's side over mine and I was angry with her. She got upset, deflected, told me she had 'misunderstood' and had thought that I was giving the dcs up? We left it at that as I knew she was tired and stressed from caring for my dad who has multiple chronic illnesses.

We have since gone back to being really close but I feel like my trust in her has been destroyed. I keep thinking about the way she spoke about me in those texts and wondering if she still feels that way about me. H still visits her about once a week to help out with DIY etc, which I am very grateful for but I'm now paranoid about her being so close to him and I'm careful with what I tell her in case she passes any of it on to him. My relationship with H is civil but he is still controlling me through sale of the house, the divorce and the dcs. I'm desperate to talk to my dm and tell her how hurt I feel but my dad is currently acutely ill in hospital and my dm feels he is coming to the end of his life, so I don't feel that now is the right time to bring all this up.

The problem is, how do I deal with my feelings about this? I can't seem to get over the hurt and upset and I have my own feelings of grief at the prospect of losing my Dad on top of all of that, plus the stress of dealing with H etc, which doesn't help matters!

If you know the reason it can help you deal with what has happened.
You can have a more open conversation with the person and come to terms with what happened easier. You can then make a more informed choice of how you wish to move forward with the relationship with that person.
From what you said that means you can never trust someone who has been coerced due to them being weak or nasty. It doesn't work like that. Abusers take weaknesses in people. We all have weaknesses or times when we are vulnerable. Yes we can be raised to accept abuse but not in every case. A narcissist or an abuser are clever they work on building abuse and twisting minds. Extreme version of this is being radicalised it's all brain washing.

Op she was trying to get your ex to get money out of you and get custody of your kids! She’s obviously not a nice person, and doesn’t have your interests at heart. Those are not the actions of a loving and kind person.

Thank ou for your replies. A lot of different opinions and ideas on this and I have considered them all. I think I will have a chat with her and see what she says and take it from there.

My dad has been ill for a few years now but got worse just before H and I separated and then kept getting worse until becoming acutely ill a month ago and being admitted to hospital. My maternal grandmother also had a stroke around this time and we thought she might die and I was also ill with a short hospital admission, so a lot going on at once for everyone! I can see why dm was stressed, it was certainly the most stressful time I've ever been through.

This must have turned what you thought was your relationship with your mum completely on its head . I would have been finished if my mum who I was very clingy to had done anything like this . It's very upsetting . The ONLY reason I can think for your mums despicable behaviour is that if she thought your husband would be caring for the children that she was desperately trying to get him on side to maintain her relationship with her grandchildren maybe ?

My mum was like this to me. Even with the saying one thing to me, and pandering to my horrible ex
I cut her out of mine and my DC's life. Too dangerous. People like that will never change and you will never be able to trust them not to stab you in the back. It's the worst betrayal as well, when it's your own mother. Believe what you have read with your own eyes, not what you want to be true.