Splitting up with 2 under 3 and one on the way

[trombolese]

Hi, I’ve never posted on here before so go easy on me. I’m 26, my partner and I have been together for 7 years and we have 2 lovely boys a 3yo, 19mo and one on the way in January (all very much wanted and planned!).

Long story short but I’m just not sure I want to be with him anymore. He is NOT a bad person at all and never acts maliciously, he works full time, he looks after us all, does more than his fair share of chores despite working a 48 hour week, is a good dad etc etc and when he wants to be is a fantastic boyfriend. I just don’t think he cares about me, or at least, he doesn’t care about me in the way that I need and want him to. His inherent fault is that he’s a full on workaholic, it has and will always come first in his eyes - as in, had a full on head injury the other day as a result of being knocked on the back of the head and still went back to work a day later despite all advice not to. You just don’t know what could happen if you don’t rest serious head injuries, he could have died. It was incredibly selfish as I am pregnant and we have 2 young kids but all he was worried about was getting back to work as he is in charge. I was so upset and he just walked away from me to do what he wanted. He makes decisions like this all the time (well not exactly like this but you get my drift!) without thought of how it will affect me because he lacks the ability to be empathetic to a situation, see how it could be for someone else and when the situation is over he buries it and doesn’t think about it anymore. I’m totally the opposite! He even admitted he puts others first because I’m savvy enough and smart enough to “understand” aka, my feelings come second because I’m a door mat and just go about saying everything’s fine. He never values my opinions (especially not over others if they are involved) and never listens to me when I suggest things and ends up getting himself into a right clusterfuck because he always knows best. We just don’t have fun together anymore, we never go on dates (obviously hard due to Covid but since lockdown has eased nothing too), he doesn’t make an effort with me but does for everything else in life.

Anyway, last night it all came to heads and I just let everything out that I’d been feeling after a really tough year due to lots and lots of other things that I won’t go into (finances due to Covid, family problems on his side, deaths in the family etc). I got the whole “so, why are you with me then, why are we still together” and I just couldn’t give him an answer. I’m fed up with bickering in front of our beautiful boys, nit picking because everything is frustrating me and all I want is the best for them but I just don’t think I see us being together until we’re old and grey anymore, which is heartbreaking but it is true.

Just need some advice, firstly am I being a lunatic and I don’t know how good I’ve got it?

Secondly, how do I go about splitting with 2 young children and a newborn from January. We are renting our house until mid next year, I am not financially independent although I do work part time and can get a fair bit of universal credit if we did split until I retrain when the kids are at nursery/school full time. I have a good support network and a fantastic family. I can drive and generally we are independent of each other in terms him working so much then I work the days he’s off etc so that wouldn’t be too much of an issue. I’m just so scared. I don’t want this for us, but I can’t continue how we are.

I know this is Mumsnet and everyone tells you to leave.

But, I think you stay and work on your marriage. Young children are knackering. Being pregnant is knackering. And working full time to support a family is knackering.

You both need to put time and energy into making the marriage work.

Marriage isn't always easy and sometimes it takes a great deal of strength to get through the hard times.

It doesn't sound like something you should be giving up on.

But then again, I see marriage as for life. It takes commitment, compromise and communication.

(and here's my bloody disclaimer before someone jumps on me... You don't have to stay married to someone who abuses you or your children)

Based on what you've described, and the fact you're currently pregnant which can be a really emotionally volatile time, I'd be trying to make sure that its definitely the case you need to leave the relationship before you make any rash decisions. Would he be up for counselling? It sounds like you've put up with lots so far and you're reaching the end of your tether and want out. But it probably is worth working on it first, to see if those changes are possible in the relationship. Splitting up with three tiny children, no financial independence, and someone who it sounds won't be in any kind of position to do 50/50 would be incredibly, incredibly hard.

I think your being harsh here, he has to work hard to support you all, it's better than someone lazy and not working.
Spitting now really isn't the best time IMO with such young children unless it was something disastrous, his fault is that he works too hard, he has to, you have young children so going out on dates together are going to be few and far between, unless your lucky to have a babysitter. The early years of raising children is hard work, more so on your own though.

The reality of being on your own will be much harder and not recommended unless you really have to.

I'm with pps.

Are you sure this is something you want to do right now? Could you not sit him down and tell him how serious this is for you, and where you're coming from? That you need to see something change?

I just think you should take some time to think it over. If you still love him, this isn't unsalvageable from what you've said

What will be better if you split up? And how long have you been feeling like this, has it happened since you got pregnant again or has it been there a while?

Maybe he doesn't make an effort with you because he feels secure enough that you would understand? Whereas he makes an effort with other people because he has to.

I would try for counselling before making any big decisions.

Thank you all for your kind replies.

I don’t think I want to end it really, obviously that’s the last thing anyone wants when you have small kids and you’re still pretty young. I know I have it great in comparison to some and I never want to not acknowledge that as he is great in so many ways. I don’t think I am being harsh in saying about date nights and stuff as we HAVE the time, we have a good 2.5 days off together but he never plans anything just for us, actually or even for our family to do. I just want something a bit more emotionally from him - his actions aren’t malicious but he never thinks before he acts and usually the person he ends up hurting/upsetting is me.

Obviously this is Mumsnet so I don’t really want to sit and list all the things that have sent me to this point but as another example we’ve had a seriously awful financial year (as have most, he was furloughed for 16 months as he is in hospitality) which meant racking up some debts that he then used some money my parents and grandparents had kindly given me for my birthday to pay off…without asking, and paying off a baliff that I didn’t even KNOW about. It wasn’t a small amount of money either. I’ve never missed a bill in my life so how did it come to that! If he’d have told me we could have avoided a huge fine and he could have avoided using my gifted money. He then did a similar thing only a month or so ago where he took my back up cash out of my bedside drawer to pay for petrol (money has been seriously tight as this month was his first full pay check), which ok, is cash that we both earn but it’s the not asking - I had put that money away for shopping that week. It’s the lack of communication that grates on me the most and the lack of respect because “ill be fine,I’ll get over it”. This is just some of a good list of things he does without thinking.

There are so many other things that he doesn’t communicate about but he is working on that after SO many discussions, thankfully.

Generally I am self aware and can understand that I can be harsh sometimes and I know I am pregnant so my emotional brain is fried and on high alert to take anyone down who stands in my way 🤣 however this has been going on for a long, long time, pre all pregnancies and kids. I do just wonder at what point I say enough is enough? Letting him get away with things such as the above and other things that I haven’t mentioned just leaves me remorseful while he thinks he can get away with it and push me further the next time because I won’t break and I won’t retaliate other than a bit of shouting. Unfortunately, I am hugely reconsidering living like this for the rest of my life as he seems to consider very little how much his decisions affect us especially re: head injury and pushing himself too much. He could end up dead. This is very recent too so I am still reeling off it a bit. He said it was his duty to go into work, but what about his duty to me? His children? What about if we’re not ok?

In all honesty, I don’t know what would be better if we split up. I suppose my sanity for one 😅 it’s a very difficult situation and it’s more long term for me. How much can one person be pushed before they say enough is enough?

Sorry for venting, I feel like I don’t want to say anything to friends/family as it’s all a bit much at the moment.

You're living in cloud cuckoo land if you think life's going to be better when you've got no help, no support, no father for your kids and no money! Did you expect it to be a bowl of cherries with three small children? Get a grip, girl, and start thinking of what's best for the DC.

Are you married? Do you own your home? These things make a huge difference

@Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse

I know this is Mumsnet and everyone tells you to leave.

But, I think you stay and work on your marriage. Young children are knackering. Being pregnant is knackering. And working full time to support a family is knackering.

You both need to put time and energy into making the marriage work.

Marriage isn't always easy and sometimes it takes a great deal of strength to get through the hard times.

It doesn't sound like something you should be giving up on.

But then again, I see marriage as for life. It takes commitment, compromise and communication.

(and here's my bloody disclaimer before someone jumps on me... You don't have to stay married to someone who abuses you or your children)

Oh goodness. I agree. No one I knew was happily married with little kids. Certainly not lots of little ones. I wanted to leave, too. I was just too tired to. Seems a distant memory now.

Im afraid I disagree with pps that this is something you should be able to "work on". Him taking your money and spending it without even telling you suggests a profound disrespect and, frankly, sexism on his part. I would be beyond livid, and I don't blame you one bit for feeling you don't want this life any more.

That is indeed the beginnings of financial abuse, actually.

And the fact that there are three of you in the marriage, with the job in the "must be put first" position is also not on.

My dh ummed and ahhed about potentially life-saving surgery because it would leave him with a lasting alteration to his body . With two young kids I was frantic. Luckily the surgeon gave him no choice in the end. But I was horrified that he could be so selfish. Your dh was only being asked to miss a day's work!!!

So no, I don't think you are 'just tired'

Thank you for the reality check @Dillydollydingdong 🤣🤣 so helpful.

I have money (when we aren’t living off 80% of our wages !), support (lots of it) and funnily enough when a relationship ends the father doesn’t just disappear! At least he wouldn’t in this case. He’d still see them as much as he does now with both of our hours working out how they do. No, not a bowl of cherries, however, there are things that happen due to pure exhaustion from day to day life and there are things that happen because sometimes your partner can just be a BIT shit. Not once, twice, or three times. Lots of times. It builds up. What’s best for my lovely kiddos is having parents that are genuinely happy, showcasing a normal, loving relationship and getting the best of both of us. I’m not sure I can give them that in our current cycle.

However @Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday, you are right. No one I know with little kids is that happy either, exhaustion does play a big part in the daily grind but it’s hard to know when you’re actually genuinely unhappy or when you’re just a bit knackered I guess.

Like a pp said, on here, everyone says to leave if you're unhappy...but in your position, I absolutely would not leave. Well not yet at least

I wish I could say it will get better short term, but you have another on the way… I had 3 under 3. So do try to make some changes, and open up communication a bit, because the resentment is hard to shake off. Ask me how I know…

Do not leave your relationship. If you do you’ll look back and regret it

He spent your money against debts be didn't discuss with you, without consulting you 😮.

That is grounds for getting the fuck out of there. I'm sorry, but this person is controlling and abusive.

He might graft. But it is all about him.

I didn't leave, and I look back and regret that! Now with someone who is not selfish and it makes such a big difference to everyday happiness.

The use of your money without your knowledge is very concerning. What you do depends on whether you think that a) it was a stupid mistake and b) he could learn from his mistakes. If he's your age or not much older, maybe he is still learning what is OK and what not? Crap move, though.

OK OP I actually change my mind a bit. What he's doing with money is unacceptable. And it suggests he's treating you with something not far off contempt. So, I really wouldn't leave things how they are and write it off as just how things are with small kids - and also, with a DH who is very committed to his job, its NOT how things were for me: we're both tired and occasionally cranky at each other but he totally steps up. Now we're going to have 2 under 4, not 3 under 3, but still - we're both his priority, even if he does have to do work calls late at night, we split the parenting tasks equally. There's a difference between 'I'm doing everything I possibly can to see and support the family' and 'I'm more engaged and involved in my work and know if I slack off at home my OH will pick up the pieces' and only you know the difference.

I do still think its worth aiming for counselling though, and talking through ground rules about things like money and debts. I'd be tempted, given you're not married, to disentangle yourself a bit financially now. I'd also look seriously at various scenarios.

He may stay as involved as he is now. He may not. You may find you struggle more financially than you'd expect. You may find trying to stay together for the first year of the new babies life then reassessing then is better, you may actually find that he provides so little support you're better off with you and your other support system knowing he's not on the scene rather than everyone assuming you have a partner when he leaves you high and dry. I wouldn't rush into anything, but it does sound like there's a lot going on.

I got the whole “so, why are you with me then, why are we still together
This is a defensive question, not one you need to answer. Your communication sounds poor, possibly on both sides? Do you tend to keep quiet and not make a fuss? Bottle it up so that when it does come out, it's not expressed as well as it could be? Is he not very good at arguments - do his family not have arguments, for example? - does he always see criticism as an attack?
Just wondering if some outside help to get you communicating better might work.

He has stolen from you repeatedly.

Please tell your parents what is going on.

How much money are you talking about has he stolen from you.

I think he sounds awful.

@Dillydollydingdong

You're living in cloud cuckoo land if you think life's going to be better when you've got no help, no support, no father for your kids and no money! Did you expect it to be a bowl of cherries with three small children? Get a grip, girl, and start thinking of what's best for the DC.

Harsh but very true

Nah, he stole from you MULTIPLE times. That’s a dealbreaker. And you said there’s other stuff too, he actually doesn’t sound that wonderful to me at all.