Splitting up with 2 under 3 and one on the way

[trombolese]

Hi, I’ve never posted on here before so go easy on me. I’m 26, my partner and I have been together for 7 years and we have 2 lovely boys a 3yo, 19mo and one on the way in January (all very much wanted and planned!).

Long story short but I’m just not sure I want to be with him anymore. He is NOT a bad person at all and never acts maliciously, he works full time, he looks after us all, does more than his fair share of chores despite working a 48 hour week, is a good dad etc etc and when he wants to be is a fantastic boyfriend. I just don’t think he cares about me, or at least, he doesn’t care about me in the way that I need and want him to. His inherent fault is that he’s a full on workaholic, it has and will always come first in his eyes - as in, had a full on head injury the other day as a result of being knocked on the back of the head and still went back to work a day later despite all advice not to. You just don’t know what could happen if you don’t rest serious head injuries, he could have died. It was incredibly selfish as I am pregnant and we have 2 young kids but all he was worried about was getting back to work as he is in charge. I was so upset and he just walked away from me to do what he wanted. He makes decisions like this all the time (well not exactly like this but you get my drift!) without thought of how it will affect me because he lacks the ability to be empathetic to a situation, see how it could be for someone else and when the situation is over he buries it and doesn’t think about it anymore. I’m totally the opposite! He even admitted he puts others first because I’m savvy enough and smart enough to “understand” aka, my feelings come second because I’m a door mat and just go about saying everything’s fine. He never values my opinions (especially not over others if they are involved) and never listens to me when I suggest things and ends up getting himself into a right clusterfuck because he always knows best. We just don’t have fun together anymore, we never go on dates (obviously hard due to Covid but since lockdown has eased nothing too), he doesn’t make an effort with me but does for everything else in life.

Anyway, last night it all came to heads and I just let everything out that I’d been feeling after a really tough year due to lots and lots of other things that I won’t go into (finances due to Covid, family problems on his side, deaths in the family etc). I got the whole “so, why are you with me then, why are we still together” and I just couldn’t give him an answer. I’m fed up with bickering in front of our beautiful boys, nit picking because everything is frustrating me and all I want is the best for them but I just don’t think I see us being together until we’re old and grey anymore, which is heartbreaking but it is true.

Just need some advice, firstly am I being a lunatic and I don’t know how good I’ve got it?

Secondly, how do I go about splitting with 2 young children and a newborn from January. We are renting our house until mid next year, I am not financially independent although I do work part time and can get a fair bit of universal credit if we did split until I retrain when the kids are at nursery/school full time. I have a good support network and a fantastic family. I can drive and generally we are independent of each other in terms him working so much then I work the days he’s off etc so that wouldn’t be too much of an issue. I’m just so scared. I don’t want this for us, but I can’t continue how we are.

Hi everyone - thank you to the majority for being so kind about the situation, I didn’t come on here for a moan - actually it was more to see if someone could help level my feelings out a bit - I am pregnant as I have said so it helps to get opinions that aren’t judgemental or rude, so thank you for that.

I should clear some stuff up - he is salaried (now) on quite a high wage so if he works more/turns up 3 hours earlier/leaves 3 hours later/works extra days - he gets no more money and perhaps some days off in lieu if he’s lucky. He gets full sick pay so losing money would not happen. I don’t think I am at all unreasonable for worrying about his physical health after being knocked unconscious for 3 hours. I myself have had a skull fracture due to randomly passing out and ended up in hospital for a week with a brain bleed so do forgive me if I seem overly cautious about him “not pulling a sickie” the day after something quite alarming happened. I have 2 young children to worry about and a baby, no offence, and call me over-cautious, but I don’t want them not to have a father just because he wants to please everyone at work. He is now being investigated for epilepsy as he had a suspected seizure following the head trauma - so yea, don’t think I’m being too horrid about that one!

Secondly, he did steal money from me in the sense that he did not ask, he took the money out of my purse? How is that not stealing? Gifted money is not family money (despite the fact that it would indeed go into our joint savings etc!) and I would certainly NEVER consider taking any money gifted to him to pay off a debt that was my own stupid fault for not dealing with it sooner. The debt was actually a small one that was totally blown up by ignoring it. It was separate to our household bills so I had NO idea it even existed, I cannot be responsible for something I don’t know exists - it was a parking fine BTW. We all get them, yes, but come on. Communication was the biggest issue here, not the money. I would have said he could use the money if he’d have asked, and of course not made a big deal at all. Anything that happens to him, happens to me, so it would have been ok - I think it was the sneakiness around it that upset me so much. How we handle our finances have changed since that situation and we now split our “left over” money (I say our as people have forgotten I said that we both work !) equally so that there’s no argument over what goes where. I will always bail him out, but saying he needs to be bailed out is the BIG thing here.

I do agree that the biggest problem is the emotional/communication side which can be worked through. I will seriously be looking into couples therapy as recommended by a few of you so thank you for that! He is not a bad man, in fact far from it. He acts impulsively when he is stressed or doesn’t want to panic me.

Again, I do understand that he is better than a lot of partners out there. I love him very much and I want to work this out, but I don’t want to be waiting for the next “situation” to arise. One that could affect us in a worse way, or one that pushes us over the edge. Even my parents are in agreement with me about this and they obviously know him very well. Being a single parent is the LAST thing I would ever want, especially with 3 young children involved and obviously I am going to work out a way through this - the title of this thread was very misleading in that sense and I apologise.

I am a good communicator, actually I am training to be a clinical psychologist myself (how ironic!) and I try very hard to remain calm and level headed when issues like these happen in our relationship. I arrange lots of things for us to do and our family to do but when it gets to it he seems to be not so up for it at all, so I don’t know about that one - maybe I am just a terrible partner as some people have kindly pointed out! I’ve made it sound like we are awfully poor with all the money situation but I’m not stupid enough to bring another child into the world on pittance but Covid had a HUGE affect on us and we are only just recouping a lot of that, we are talking about things that happened a good few months ago during the height of a global pandemic where people were earning sod all. I fell pregnant prior to getting into debt and everything was rosy.

On top of this yes I am in total agreement that it takes a while to recover from having a baby - it usually takes us about 18 months …….which is why I guess there’s a 19/22 month age gap between our kids 🤣🤣

Anyway, another long one from me but I think that covers pretty much everything! Again, thank you for being understanding and helping me navigate this.

I should just add to the people who think I am overreacting about him going back to work - he went against advice from doctors and now he is unable to drive until he has had further tests as he does NOT feel ok and is not right. He went into work while he was still in the chatting BS from being concussed, falling asleep at any given moment and slurring words occasionally phase. Do we really think I’d be this upset if he physically looked and felt ok? No. It is serious and he should have taken it seriously, and if not for himself or me then at least for his children. I understand potentially he was not in a right frame of mind but that’s why you listen to other people that really care about your welfare while you’re not thinking straight !!!!!!

Wow taking your money for debts you didn't even know about?! That is so serious. I would be planning my exit route!

OP,
You have my sympathy.
He sounds like an awful gobshite going into work concussed.

His colleagues must have thought the same.

He sounds like he has very poor judgement and is very tedious and exhausting to be around with all his drama.

Thank god for your parents.
Mind yourself.