Splitting up with 2 under 3 and one on the way

[trombolese]

Hi, I’ve never posted on here before so go easy on me. I’m 26, my partner and I have been together for 7 years and we have 2 lovely boys a 3yo, 19mo and one on the way in January (all very much wanted and planned!).

Long story short but I’m just not sure I want to be with him anymore. He is NOT a bad person at all and never acts maliciously, he works full time, he looks after us all, does more than his fair share of chores despite working a 48 hour week, is a good dad etc etc and when he wants to be is a fantastic boyfriend. I just don’t think he cares about me, or at least, he doesn’t care about me in the way that I need and want him to. His inherent fault is that he’s a full on workaholic, it has and will always come first in his eyes - as in, had a full on head injury the other day as a result of being knocked on the back of the head and still went back to work a day later despite all advice not to. You just don’t know what could happen if you don’t rest serious head injuries, he could have died. It was incredibly selfish as I am pregnant and we have 2 young kids but all he was worried about was getting back to work as he is in charge. I was so upset and he just walked away from me to do what he wanted. He makes decisions like this all the time (well not exactly like this but you get my drift!) without thought of how it will affect me because he lacks the ability to be empathetic to a situation, see how it could be for someone else and when the situation is over he buries it and doesn’t think about it anymore. I’m totally the opposite! He even admitted he puts others first because I’m savvy enough and smart enough to “understand” aka, my feelings come second because I’m a door mat and just go about saying everything’s fine. He never values my opinions (especially not over others if they are involved) and never listens to me when I suggest things and ends up getting himself into a right clusterfuck because he always knows best. We just don’t have fun together anymore, we never go on dates (obviously hard due to Covid but since lockdown has eased nothing too), he doesn’t make an effort with me but does for everything else in life.

Anyway, last night it all came to heads and I just let everything out that I’d been feeling after a really tough year due to lots and lots of other things that I won’t go into (finances due to Covid, family problems on his side, deaths in the family etc). I got the whole “so, why are you with me then, why are we still together” and I just couldn’t give him an answer. I’m fed up with bickering in front of our beautiful boys, nit picking because everything is frustrating me and all I want is the best for them but I just don’t think I see us being together until we’re old and grey anymore, which is heartbreaking but it is true.

Just need some advice, firstly am I being a lunatic and I don’t know how good I’ve got it?

Secondly, how do I go about splitting with 2 young children and a newborn from January. We are renting our house until mid next year, I am not financially independent although I do work part time and can get a fair bit of universal credit if we did split until I retrain when the kids are at nursery/school full time. I have a good support network and a fantastic family. I can drive and generally we are independent of each other in terms him working so much then I work the days he’s off etc so that wouldn’t be too much of an issue. I’m just so scared. I don’t want this for us, but I can’t continue how we are.

I really would think carefully about this. I tend to think it takes 3 years to recover from having a baby and you’ve had 2 in 2 years and another on the way.

That’s an insane amount of pressure to put on any couple, no matter how happy they were pre kids and all with a global pandemic.

It sounds like the communication is the issue and again I would be more surprised if you were communicating well with everything on your plate.

Also the stealing thing.. I’m sorry but that’s not fair to describe it as stealing when he’s supporting you financially with his wages. Took money for petrol so he could get to work I imagine and paid off debts that were what 100% his? Yes he should’ve spoken to you but he was probably ashamed. Not an excuse but certainly not a dealbreaker.

Also puts why he’s spending so much time at work it’s context. If he was furloughed for 16 months I’m sure that was an enormous burden and he know wants to earn while he can.

He used "your" money for fuel? How is it that its not family money for shared expenses?

I can't believe you started the thread to moan about him not throwing a sickie 🤦🏻‍♀️

Regardless of if you go or stay, you desperately need to get your finances sorted out. Get yourself an account he can't touch and stop leaving money lying around. Ask for full disclosure of all financial information and work on it together. If the bailiffs are coming round and you have soon to be 3 children you can't half-arse it. Everyone needs to maximise income and limit outgoings so no, he can't really afford to miss work.

That way whether you leave or stay, you will have a tiny bit more control of your money.

It does sound like he could be stressed with financially supporting a young family. 3 under 3 and covid and working in hospitality. That's a lot of added cost on a reduced wage. Is that why he's working so much? I would be stressed and be wanting to work a lot if I had debts and a young family to support.

So he was furloughed for 16 months and debt built up like alot of ppl, he had to use your money to pay the bills as his was not enough sounds like you both need to work out finances ASAP and should be discussed him working 48 hours to support you and keep a roof over everyone's head date nights would be the last thing on his mind

What’s best for my lovely kiddos is having parents that are genuinely happy, showcasing a normal, loving relationship and getting the best of both of us. I’m not sure I can give them that in our current cycle

Sounds great in theory but I'm not sure that it happens very often with couples in your situation. My memories of that time were just constant work and tiredness. I wouldn't give up what you've got, I just wouldn't.

I'm inclined to agree with pps - it sounds like this is a rather overwhelmed and worried young man. Your relationship probably needs work and understanding.

I knew someone in a similar situation except it was 4 children under 8 with another on the way. She was advised to do nothing until after the birth for various legal and practical reasons. After the birth, she left and got divorced, with 5 children under 10, once it was final. She immediately had to remarry with first available decent man (using OLD) because it was just too much for her to handle alone. It worked out great for her.

So, my advice is to sit tight until after the birth.

I dont agree with PP that its stealing, its family money, surely, unless you are about to drip feed that he has been buying useless shit on credit cards?

If you dont see a future in it, then don't continue with it. Do you love him?

Do you ever arrange date nights? How much do you communicate? Why couldn't he tell you about the debts he had?

The grass always looks greener and sometimes it is, only you can actually answer that.

I know you have said you can get a fair wack on UC, but its not something I would rely on at all and its not a good life, I would have to check, but you wouldn't get anything for your unborn child either. So if you did want to leave, you would have to make sure you could support them on what you get paid and CM, its shitty, but its not something I would rely on

Genuinely baffled as to why you planned another baby so quickly if this is how you feel, and when your partner was presumably on furlough and you were struggling so much financially.

And I think your expectations of dates are unreasonable in your situation.

I don’t think it’s the right time for you to leave.

You have financial worries to the extent the bailiffs are coming round but are upset when he wants to go to work? The best place to go when your broke is to work.

He took your money to pay the bailiffs. Not go to the pub.

Suggest working together to review finances ( the total
Money makeover by Dave Ramsey is great and has advice for working on money as a couple) and start date nights. Try to focus on why you got together initially.

He’s probably worried sick about money. Try looking at it from his point of view, he’s doing the heavy lifting with providing financially for the family, was furloughed for a long time, needs fuel to get to work and his wife is hiding money from him and wants date nights. I don’t think I would be too happy in his shoes.

You need marriage counselling, and both need to learn how to communicate and take equal responsibility for your family finances.

The grass is very unlikely to be greener on the other side of the fence. Work on what you have.

You can leave him. You need to do what's right for you not what somebody else would do in your situation. You sound very clear headed and know what you want, I admire that.

For people saying he stole so it's financial abuse, he didn't take it to spend on wine, women and gambling. He paid off bills and the bailiff and bought petrol. He's a very hard worker so he's not a slacker or anything. Should he have talked the matter over with the op, yes definitely. But how did the op know that bills weren't being paid? She knows what her husband earns so she should have an idea if 80% of that will cover the bills or not. The op has some responsibility in that.
If you're struggling to pay household bills when you're all together, how are you both going to fund two households if you split.

And did you really say that he lacked empathy because he went back to work after an injury and he didn't consider your feelings. How about you considering that maybe he works that hard because he doesn't want the bailiff knocking again. Pfft, I wonder what his version of living with you would be like?

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

I knew someone in a similar situation except it was 4 children under 8 with another on the way. She was advised to do nothing until after the birth for various legal and practical reasons. After the birth, she left and got divorced, with 5 children under 10, once it was final. She immediately had to remarry with first available decent man (using OLD) because it was just too much for her to handle alone. It worked out great for her.

So, my advice is to sit tight until after the birth.

Seriously? Your advice is to have the baby then snag the first available, decent man on an online dating site to help you look after the three kids?

Have you ever thought of setting up an agony aunt column?

I’ve got a list (irl) as long as my arm, of men this age walking out on their very young families. Leaving their partners/wives high and dry. You have one who wants to do the best for his family, is probably exhausted (like you) and is working hard. Parenting single is no joke! It’s hard HARD lonely work. Marriage/partnership is not bells and whistles, dates and rainbows it’s slogging it through the hard HARD times.

IMHO you need to address the communication issues you both have, maybe some sort of relationship counselling would help?

To me it sounds like your DP is currently unable to connect on an emotional level and put himself in the shoes of others. He also clearly doesn't value quality time (with you or the kids) as much as you do. However, this a) can often be learnt and changed, slowly but surely, and b) is often part of the dynamic rather than just the character of the one person.

I'd argue that you should really seek some couples therapy. Me and my partner have a similar dynamic (around emotionality/engagement) and it's working really well for us. I don't think we'd have got here without doing the therapy, I'm really surprised at how different things are than 6 months ago.

The taking money and not telling you needs firm boundaries. Maybe a change in how family finances are stored. He can't get into debt and not tell you. He can't take your money to pay off secret debts. That is unacceptable. You are well within your right to ringfence birthday money in your own pot. And I'd advise keeping cash somewhere he won't find it. Protect yourself.

I think there are lots of things going on here. I think you need to try to parse out what can be fixed from your side (the money examples, being firmer and more self-protective and not standing for being stolen from and lied to); the things that can be worked on over time (connecting more emotionally, exploring his workaholism, his lack of date/family time planning, where he's coming from and why it hurts you); and finally, also accepting that he will always be a little bit different to you, and you will have to change too, in order for the dynamic to change.

I don't know if that's helpful. I also agree that now isn't the time to be making this decision. You have a 19mo and you're pregnant. See where you are in a year, and work on therapy and your own boundaries in the meantime. If he refuses therapy, then maybe you have the answer you need.

It sounds like a very tough situation. Sorry that you're feeling so frustrated and at the end of your tether.

I honestly think this is stuff you can work on. He seems very stressed about finances and you need to communicate more.

Im also not sure about this. I really don’t see yout issue with him going back to work the day after he had the accident he clearly can tell his own health and was fine.

He works a lot of hours but you only work part time and he’s shortly going to habe five mouths to feed.

Is the reality it’s all a bit much for you right now and you just want more help even though you both knew his working pattern and planned to have three kids so close together?

The reality is it’s about to become much harder when you’ve the third and his working hours won’t change, leaving him won’t make it easier for you.

I think you need to explore some of these issues in counselling before leaving the marriage. Marriage is very hard sometimes and people can get tunnel visioned with their viewpoint. I'm sure in his mind his actions are justified. You have three kids and are married; explore all options before ending the relationship. Ending the relationship will be hard on all of you and is not something to be undertaken lightly.

I’d also try and make it work ! There is a chance and much ahead of you

And pick a marriage therapist carefully

This does sound fixable

Yes he should’ve spoken to you but he was probably ashamed.

This means you are not operating as a couple. BTW he will steal from you again.

Does it matter where the money went ? Do not justify the stealing to bail himself out (what a prat) just because it didn't go on either booze, drugs, gambling, credit card spending on crap, prostitutes etc.

He still took it. Total breach of trust. I wonder how he would have reacted if you did the same to him ?

What if you took his petrol money because you had no money to buy food ?

I think you are over reacting to the head injury. He was,I assume, signed off to work so after 18months of furlough he was right to go to work if he felt OK. I think you have let your fears get to you. He can't not go to work because you think it's not a good idea. This is something you should take on board and perhaps apologise for overreacting.

His communication over money is poor but why not focus on improving that. If he was terrible why did you decide to have a 3rd child?