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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I love him, but...

55 replies

TiredEyes42 · 08/09/2021 05:14

Ok, so.. it doesn't matter what I say or do recently I can never seem to do anything right. Even something as small as, what we doing for tea, o get why do you leave it to me all the time haven't you got a brain, I only ask what he fancies, we both offer up suggestions.
I generally think because he's older than me, he treats me a bit like a child rather than an equal partner, hes 14 years older.
Hes been putting off doing a few jobs in our house due to a bad back, which is understandable. His ex phones, 2 young kids to her, she wants a bedroom decorating, can he do it? Apparently her other half is useless at DIY. Anyway, he says yes can I have the kids so they're not under feet and pestering. I say of course I will, but what about your back? I don't want you hurting yourself. Well.. for something I thought was a caring and loving to say this is what I got.. oh for fuck sake, everytime it comes to XXXX you're always so negative and bitter, why do you have to comment on everything I do, cant I do anything without you having a problem with it. Your so selfish.
I'm sat there,with my chin on the floor, completely gobsmacked from his reaction, tears rolling down my face like what the fuck just happened?
Literally everything I say the last few weeks he either jumps down my throat, bites my head off, takes it the wrong way or just dismisses me. I really don't understand why.
Is it actually me? Am I coming across all wrong? Is he trying to make me walk away, is he pushing me away?
I'm always there for him, whatever he's going through. We used to be really close at one point. The best of friends that turned into love of our lives relationship. Its just this last month or so he's changed and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells the entire time. I don't like being round him much t the moment.
To be honest, I'm ready for walking. But, there might be something happening which maybe he isn't telling me about as to why he's been like this? I don't know. I love him to bits but at this moment I'm thinking I don't want to live like this.

OP posts:

Augtwo · 08/09/2021 05:35

14 years is a big age gap. How old are you OP?

Sorry but I don't see why you should have your partners kids while he goes round to decorate at his ex house.

Maze76 · 08/09/2021 05:38

Is it possible he might be having an affair? I say this as the behaviour you’re describing is text book cheating behaviour- suddenly everything you do is wrong, your fault. He becomes uncaring and argumentative. You then try and modify your behaviour , but it makes little difference.
Does this sound familiar?
I could be wrong and there could be another explanation, but this is exactly how my husband was shortly before he left me for his ow.

Original poster

TiredEyes42 · 08/09/2021 05:41

I'm 29. To be honest, most of our arguments are due to my apparent overreactions about his ex. All it is with him.. if he ever says no to anything he's scared she will stop him seeing the kids, which I can fully understand that, they're his kids. But he's putting our relationship on the line for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

TiredEyes42 · 08/09/2021 05:43

No to the affair unless he's going out in the middle of the night to do it.

OP posts:

SpindleWhorl · 08/09/2021 05:46

Well, it could be he's snappy because of the pain.

I have really horrible back pain at the moment, I can't sleep, I'm knackered, and pissed off. OTOH I'm not snapping at everyone like that. And I'm not decorating a room, that's for sure.

Is it one of his DC's rooms?

Original poster

TiredEyes42 · 08/09/2021 05:55

I think its her partners kids weekend room? It could be because of pain, I was the same when I was suffering with my back. I wasn't nasty with him though.

We recently just got a new TV, its being delivered next week. All singing and dancing. He phoned to tell me he had ordered it. He said, I thought you'd be happier about it. He's always a using me of being on a downer when I'm not. So I make a joke.. when I get to your age I might get as exited as you about a TV then burst out laughing. He fell out with me. Like, it's a TV, do you want me to go star in a musical to show you how happy I am about it?

OP posts:

OurMamInHavianas · 08/09/2021 06:25

Walk away. You deserve better than being some grumpy old man’s free babysitting service.

Every time he says “don’t you have a brain” or “you are so selfish” - tell yourself you are worth more than that.

You are 29. Plenty of time to find the real love of your life who doesn’t speak you like that.

Frazzledd · 08/09/2021 06:41

when I get to your age I might get as exited as you about a TV then burst out laughing. He fell out with me

You've mentioned the age gap a couple of times now, is this a recurrent conversation/joke between the two of you? It didn't seem like this sat well with him. You said about him acting like the parent and you as the child, is this how you feel?

It's a difficult dynamic being 14 years apart, I'm certainly not who I was at 29 being 42. How long was he married, how old are the children? How long have you been together?

updownroundandround · 08/09/2021 06:43

There is no excuse for him to talk to you like you're shit and to accuse you of 'being' a certain way .

He is just being an arsehole tbh.

You would be entirely justified at feeling a bit 'off' with him when he's prioritizing decorating his Ex wife's partners children's room when he claims he's not up to doing the work that needs done at home too !!

Firstly, you need to tell him ''No, I won't be childminding your DC so that you can go off and decorate another man's kids's room ! Do you take me for a complete bloody mug ??. It's great spending time with them when we're all together, and I enjoy doing that, but the bottom line is that I am not their parent, and I'm not responsible for caring for them. You need to tell your ExW that either she or her 'partner' need to be looking after them while you're 'decorating', otherwise you won't be doing them this 'favour' !''

At the moment, your P's 'priorities' are

Him
His ExW
His DC
His ExW's 'partner'
His Exw's 'partner''s DC

6.His TV 7.You

Put your foot down, and mean it, because he'll never prioritize you and your needs/wants/wishes when he gets to continue treating you like a child/servant ! You're 29, but you'll never be an 'adult' in this relationship until you make your needs a 'priority' (unless, of course, you're going to be happy always coming last in the priority list ?)

litterbird · 08/09/2021 07:04

I think you can see why his wife is an ex wife. She must have tried to put up with that crap and it didn’t work. These won’t be new behaviours, they were always there it’s just you getting it now not the ex wife. She must be relieved. I would walk away OP, you are too young to be someone’s house keeper and babysitter.

Sakurami · 08/09/2021 07:06

Don't ever accept anything other than equality in a relationship. And respect. This man is patronising and belittling. Let this one go and don't waste any more time on him.

Bananalanacake · 08/09/2021 07:21

Do you have DC together, if not could you live apart then you can do what you want.

spotcheck · 08/09/2021 07:29

I generally think because he's older than me, he treats me a bit like a child rather than an equal partner, hes 14 years older

Or he's just a jerk

However, your comment about 'when I'm older I'll get excited about a tv' was really rude too.
Making age jokes isn't 'banter' if the other person doesn't find it funny. I wouldn't.
Are you guys generally just a bit mean to each other?

Lana07 · 08/09/2021 07:37

He behaves in an abusive way towards you.

From time to time, we've gone through this stage with my British/Welsh husband of 16 years.

Only after 13 years I've learnt how to set my boundaries and NOT TO ALLOW him to do it.

I am originally from Ukraine and I HATE sarcasm!

Lana07 · 08/09/2021 07:38

Most people in Eastern Europe don't talk with sarcasm and it seems a norm in the UK among the couples but NOT us.

Lana07 · 08/09/2021 07:40

Lana07 · 08/09/2021 07:42

I wonder what his star sign is? :)

Catlover1970 · 08/09/2021 08:03

It sounds like a bit of a mismatch. You also seem like a young 29 ad the age gap seems very pronounced. Sit down and ask him what is going on and some of his behaviour is making you unhappy. Can you also say hand on heart that you are comfortable with him having an ex wife and kids?

LastGirlSanding · 08/09/2021 08:14

I think your joke was funny and he should not be so sensitive about the age gap. He chose, as a man into his 40s, to date someone still not in her 30s yet.

He sounds like he is using you as an emotional punchbag - maybe because of the pain, but even so if he’s not treating anyone else like that then it’s a respect issue. Him overreacting to your comment and turning it on you is immature and shows he knows it’s a bit off to refuse to do DIY at home but jump and do it when his ex calls. It’s not good he’s decided to take it out on you and twist things to make you in the wrong - sounds to me like he ascribes to ‘the best form of defence is attack’ mindset. Is he like that with other things too?

Sunshineandflipflops · 08/09/2021 09:08

@Maze76

Is it possible he might be having an affair? I say this as the behaviour you’re describing is text book cheating behaviour- suddenly everything you do is wrong, your fault. He becomes uncaring and argumentative. You then try and modify your behaviour , but it makes little difference. Does this sound familiar? I could be wrong and there could be another explanation, but this is exactly how my husband was shortly before he left me for his ow.

Exactly the same here

RainbowBriteUk · 08/09/2021 09:11

Are you sure he's not cheating with his ex?

The fact he wants you to hAve the kids so they don't get under his feet rings massive alarm bells. Will the exes partner be there while he decorates?

FanFiction · 08/09/2021 09:27

Two things that strike me:

you have different ideas about what’s acceptable in terms of how much he lets his ex wife in. Different boundaries

he is protesting at your upset over this

He’s not allowing you to give your protest. By telling you “ not this again”, he is silencing your, so you can’t compromise.

FanFiction · 08/09/2021 09:28

Sorry for typos!
He might not be having an affair with ex, but you have different ideas about what is acceptable in terms of how much he lets her into your relationship. As someone said, different priorities.

PieceOfString · 08/09/2021 10:10

Picture you and him in 10 years time... Personally based on your current dynamic I can't see it working well, the basic respect needed to bridge the students you have is missing. I'd be cutting my losses at this point of I was in your situation.

EmptySuitcase · 08/09/2021 10:10

There's a reason why men in their 40s target women in their 20s and it's not because they want an equal relationhip.

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