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Original poster

I love him, but...

55 replies

TiredEyes42 · 08/09/2021 05:14

Ok, so.. it doesn't matter what I say or do recently I can never seem to do anything right. Even something as small as, what we doing for tea, o get why do you leave it to me all the time haven't you got a brain, I only ask what he fancies, we both offer up suggestions.
I generally think because he's older than me, he treats me a bit like a child rather than an equal partner, hes 14 years older.
Hes been putting off doing a few jobs in our house due to a bad back, which is understandable. His ex phones, 2 young kids to her, she wants a bedroom decorating, can he do it? Apparently her other half is useless at DIY. Anyway, he says yes can I have the kids so they're not under feet and pestering. I say of course I will, but what about your back? I don't want you hurting yourself. Well.. for something I thought was a caring and loving to say this is what I got.. oh for fuck sake, everytime it comes to XXXX you're always so negative and bitter, why do you have to comment on everything I do, cant I do anything without you having a problem with it. Your so selfish.
I'm sat there,with my chin on the floor, completely gobsmacked from his reaction, tears rolling down my face like what the fuck just happened?
Literally everything I say the last few weeks he either jumps down my throat, bites my head off, takes it the wrong way or just dismisses me. I really don't understand why.
Is it actually me? Am I coming across all wrong? Is he trying to make me walk away, is he pushing me away?
I'm always there for him, whatever he's going through. We used to be really close at one point. The best of friends that turned into love of our lives relationship. Its just this last month or so he's changed and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells the entire time. I don't like being round him much t the moment.
To be honest, I'm ready for walking. But, there might be something happening which maybe he isn't telling me about as to why he's been like this? I don't know. I love him to bits but at this moment I'm thinking I don't want to live like this.

OP posts:
PieceOfString · 08/09/2021 10:11

Students =differences. 🙄

PieceOfString · 08/09/2021 10:13

If you get two people who have fundamental gulf sin age /outlook/physical abilities /priorities... You name it, whatever it is doesn't matter, the important thing is that they can only partner long term if there is mutual respectful communication, listening, give and take both ways, teamwork etc. This is all missing in everything you describe.

thefourgp · 08/09/2021 10:15

He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. There’s no way in hell you should be acting as babysitter while he decorates his ex’s house.

thefourgp · 08/09/2021 10:16

There's a reason why men in their 40s target women in their 20s and it's not because they want an equal relationhip.

I Agree @EmptySuitcase

PieceOfString · 08/09/2021 10:17

Have a read of this thread, it does not match your situation, but there are some really interesting thoughts and perspectives in there which I think might help you get your thoughts into a bit more clarity, and out of the fog of weird goal posts you are in.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4337688-A-message-to-those-who-post-you-knew-what-you-were-getting-into

Original poster
TiredEyes42 · 08/09/2021 10:18

We've always done the banter thing. If he's in a good mood it's funny and he will shoot something back at me. If he's not in a good mood he will get offended and fall out with me. Like I will call him a fossil and a dinosaur we both know I'm only playing about.

He's never been married, he wants that its me so he says. His kids are 7 and 5.

Her OH will be there while he decorates to give him a hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredEyes42 · 08/09/2021 10:26

If I try and talk to him about something, he always just rolls his eyes and if I don't agree with him or say something he doesn't like he will start raising his voice.
If he's having a go at me for whatever reason and I try to defend myself I'm always answering back, he can't talk to me or I'm being argumentative and moody. Then it'll upset me for the evening but that's me carrying it on apparently.
But then the morning after he will be all over me, cuddling nd kissing saying how much he loves me. But when I go to him for a kiss or cuddle I'm clingy and needy.

OP posts:
FanFiction · 08/09/2021 10:29

Yup. Blowing hot & cold. Oppositional. Immune was same - similar age gap, too - and I got pissed off with the lack of respect in the end

FanFiction · 08/09/2021 10:32

Mine, even!

I got so fed up of everything being turned into a defence. He seemed to be defending his exes all the time instead of working as a team with me.

Original poster
TiredEyes42 · 08/09/2021 10:39

That's what he's doing. Before we moved in together his ex slagged me off to high heaven. He never backed me up once. Now, if I say anything about her, again his mood depending, he will either agree with me or have a go about it.

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 08/09/2021 10:40

It's hard work, isn't it, TiredEyes? He's always doing or saying the opposite of what you expect, you can't even ask him what he fancies for tea without him having a go at you. Everything is always your fault.

And then he gets all cuddly and loving Smile

And when you respond in kind he turns again Shock

Watch out for the pattern.

It's not going to get any better. It may be that he's got his eye on someone else and he's trying to get you to end the relationship (something else that will be your fault!) or it might just be that he's an abusive shit.

You are worth so much more than him. You deserve to be able to know your own mind Flowers

MamDancer · 08/09/2021 10:41

You're playing nanny to his and his ex's kids while he, his ex and her OH are all at hers kid free?

Sack that off for a start.

Porridgealert · 08/09/2021 10:48

Isn't it strange? For me, he could put other people ahead of me, he couldnwallpaper someone else's house, he could ask me to look after his kids, he could roll his,eyes and call me needy, and I might or might not put up with it. But if he said why do you leave it to me all the time, haven't you got a brain, he would be toast.

He doesnt respect you. Why would you stay? Is it because you don't respect yourself maybe? (Meant kindly.)

FinallyHere · 08/09/2021 10:50

It doesn't sound like much fun to me.

What is keeping you there?

In your shoes I'd be making a plan to get my own place and move out. And making sure I had really effective contraception in place meanwhile. A baby would tie you to him for ever. Good luck.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 08/09/2021 11:02

Yes, what others have said. He may love you, but he definitely doesn't sound like he has respect for you. Like you say OP, it's mood dependant. If he's feeling fed up he'll use you to vent his frustration at even if you're behaving or reacting exactly as you usually would without it bothering him. I often wonder when older men go for younger women whether part of the appeal is because it feeds their superiority complex. In their minds they have x times as much experience than you so you should just be grateful for their world view. I think that's bull, but it seems to be a pattern in the rl relationships I know of where the man is older.

Dontbeme · 08/09/2021 11:04

What is keeping you in this relationship OP because to be honest it sounds shit, he is a moody lump that expects you to fall into line and have you babysit his kids for the convenience of him, his ex-wife and the ex-wife's boyfriend. Is this really what you want from life at 29?

Herecomesspring1 · 08/09/2021 11:11

@RainbowBriteUk This was my first thought, also.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 08/09/2021 11:18

Good heavens OP, why are you wasting your time with this man?! It's all sounds like such a drag - looking after his kids while he panders to his ex - never mind the fact he speaks to you like shit, belittles you and messes with your head.

Honestly, you're young and have your whole life ahead of you - I can't imagine why on Earth you'd ever consider staying with this man in this unhealthy, unhappy relationship.

Run, do not walk, away......

Serenity45 · 08/09/2021 11:22

Honestly OP I don't comment much on these threads but walk away. He is treating you like shit and this pattern will keep repeating itself. Is he like this with other people or just you? If it's due to the pain he's in (perfectly valid point by PP) then it won't just be aimed at you.

You are worth so much more than this prick

Shamsa03 · 08/09/2021 11:41

Why are you tolerating his shitty behaviour towards you?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/09/2021 13:15

Aren't you exhausted being with someone who makes you feel anxious, sad and unappreciated a lot of the time? It's just not worth it. You're 29. You could have relationships with men who don't have a complicated dynamic with their ex partner or men who don't have children yet. This relationship sounds exhausting. Drop the rope and walk away.

Pinkbonbon · 08/09/2021 13:34

All else aside, he doesn't sound like a very nice person. And why would anyone want to stay with someone who isn't a nice person? Let alone someone who is repeatedly the opposite of nice to someone they are supposed to care about.

JustGiveMeGin · 08/09/2021 14:06

My husband is 16 years older than me, he would not talk down to me or expect me to look after his children (when they were younger) whilst he went to his ex wife's house (where the kids live) to decorate a room for the new man's kids to use (if I read that properly?). Your DH is either a chump that is wrapped around his ex's little finger or he is cheating on you with her I would think.

PieceOfString · 08/09/2021 14:58

@TiredEyes42

That's what he's doing. Before we moved in together his ex slagged me off to high heaven. He never backed me up once. Now, if I say anything about her, again his mood depending, he will either agree with me or have a go about it.
Christ on a bike! If he couldn't take your side before you were hooked he certainly isn't going to now. This just sounds so one sided and frankly unhealthy for you. Your mental health and self esteem are going to be shot to pieces and you'll never get away if you don't stop trying to find reasons for his nasty constant goal post shifting. He's got you on your toes all the time and you're never sure of your ground. This isn't friend becomes soul mate territory, soul mates have your back!
layladomino · 08/09/2021 19:06

I'm stunned that, despite having some outstanding DIY jobs at home, he is happy for you to look after his / his ex's DC while he decorates at his ex's home.

That alone would make me question his priorities.