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Original poster

When you like your life but hate your marriage?

60 replies

Jungleoo · 07/09/2021 10:51

This is the problem.
I quite like my life in some ways. I work part-time and now have 1.5 days each week to myself to do all the housework, run errands and go to the gym now that both DCs have started school. I am loving finally having some time to myself as life feels calmer and less chaotic. I like my home, I like that we're not skint anymore. I like my neighbours and the new friends I've made.
I absolutely love my job.

But I hate my marriage.
From the moment he gets home from work, I just want to be away from him. We had a rocky time for a while and I don't think I've ever really forgiven him for the way he behaved. I don't feel attracted to him at all and often slip into the spare bed at night to be on my own. I don't want to have sex with him and sometimes feel horrible if I do. I also find his conversation quite tedious. Practically, he's quite good, not great, but we do ok. We don't argue a lot either. We had relationship counselling a few years ago when things were tough, but he didn't really engage. I've continued having it on my own and have now probably paid out thousands in therapy and the only thing I ever talk about is how unhappy I am in my marriage.

I think I want a romantic relationship, but not with DH. I would like to carry on as friends. I told him all of this a few months ago, but he says he wants us to stay together to "work" at it. But it hasn't been worked at. He also tells me he's "very content" without a romantic relationship, which would actually make sense, as he'd never had one before meeting me.

If we separated, I'd need to find a new job to support myself and my kids FT and there are no FT hours at my work place. We would have to move house because there's no way I could afford to remain in the home we're in on my own, I'd lose the free time I've recently gained and I'd have to be away from my kids at weekends.

I go from thinking, this is ok, I can live like this, to craving intimate touch and love again.

I have tried to reignite our marriage but we're so different now. I recently became vegan, he's loves meat, I love country walks, he loves drinking beer in big cities, I like yoga and he thinks it's "all nonsense" and doesn't exercise at all, he is gaining more and more weight through unhealthy choices and I'm losing it through making healthy ones. I like to make myself look good, he hasn't cut his hair in 5 months.

We're poles apart.

MN, I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
LemonTT · 07/09/2021 11:33

You split up and deal with being a single parent. Don’t bring your children up in a dysfunctional family. They will realise things are wrong. Eventually things will come to a head, because of affairs or arguments. Everything will become far more toxic and acrimonious than it needs to be.

Basically you are proposing to be the man, who unhappy in his marriage, decides an affair is all he needs to be happy. Instead of just admitting he wants out and accepting the financial impact. All they do is cause pain and destruction.

You are just delaying the inevitable and in doing so making everything more difficult. That will include the financial impact for both of you.

LuvMyBubbles · 07/09/2021 11:43

You need to be happy in the relationship sorry but you need to leave him.

JustGiveMeGin · 07/09/2021 13:04

@Jungleoo it sounds like you are asking for permission to have an affair? If he is 'content' with your set up would he agree to an open relationship?
If you feel this way it won't be long before your head gets turned by someone who likes to take care of themselves the way you do and is more on the same wavelength.
You need to have a plan for when this happens (and it will) otherwise you run the risk of exploding a massive shit bomb on your life (losing the house you love/less money/no FT job lined up/angry ex husband who has no interest in making divorce amicable etc).
If I were you I would stop thinking about how to make it work and more about how to get out in the least damaging way.

Original poster
Jungleoo · 07/09/2021 13:13

Hey... 😳
I definitely don't want an affair.
My parents went through that. No chance.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 07/09/2021 13:19

You said you wanted a romantic relationship but not with your husband. He refused the offer of an open marriage. You can’t stay together and you know it.

You need to get off the fence. Because you are creating the circumstances in which one of you is likely to have an affair or you will end up hating each other.

RosesAndHellebores · 07/09/2021 13:23

Well you have some tough choices.
Compromise in your relationship and be close friends without sex and keep your lifestyle; or
Leave him and change your lifestyle.

Cheeseandlobster · 07/09/2021 13:25

@LemonTT

You said you wanted a romantic relationship but not with your husband. He refused the offer of an open marriage. You can’t stay together and you know it.

You need to get off the fence. Because you are creating the circumstances in which one of you is likely to have an affair or you will end up hating each other.

I don't think the op means she wants an affair. She is in the classic quandary of lifestyle vs relationship. I think it's going to have to be all or nothing op. You can't just be friends with your husband and live the same life. Eventually you will meet someone and you will want to be with them romantically. You might have less freedom working full time but you will have more freedom when your dh has the children. Its hard to enter the unknown but I think you need to leave
JustGiveMeGin · 07/09/2021 13:25

Sorry @Jungleoo, that was the impression I got reading your postBlush
In that case I stand by what I said about you needing to split now whilst there is a chance it can be amicable.

Mintjulia · 07/09/2021 13:29

I cannot imagine staying in a relationship I knew was over. And it's no place to raise children either. Do you think they wouldn't realise? What kind of a muddled up idea of relationships would they get?

You need to leave. Maybe you'll find another relationship in time, maybe you'll be a full time working single mum for the next decade. But staying for money (which is basically what you are suggesting) is not healthy.

ErickBroch · 07/09/2021 13:35

Uh I didn't think OP was saying they want an affair either, think their post is being misinterpreted. Leaving is the only way out, sadly you will have to sacrifice your way of living.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/09/2021 13:35

Is your lifestyle really worth more than happiness? I'm 20 years on from taking the leap. I never regret anything I gave up.

dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 07/09/2021 13:43

Break up with him. You might think you're happy with your life, but it definitely doesn't sound happy.

Srtis · 07/09/2021 13:49

I’m not sure why it is being suggested you want an affair.

Splitting up is messy and very rarely will two people just sit down and agree to go their separate ways, be completely amicable about finances and live happily ever after.

However, these feelings you have will not improve. In fact they will get worse as time goes on and your situation will deteriorate.

I think if you want things to change then you need to do the decision making. You don’t need someone’s permission to split up.

If you don’t think you will be able to manage financially then you probably need to get yourself in a position where you could.

Boobieboobieboobie · 07/09/2021 13:52

You know the answer, its not fair on any of you to live like this especially your children.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/09/2021 14:03

I wonder if his parents marriage was similarly loveless? So he wouldn't miss what he's never witnessed.

If you stay, your children will have the same expectations of marriage, and will likely end up in the same situation you are now. I'm sure you wouldnt want that.

isthismylifenow · 07/09/2021 14:13

You need to decide what is the most important to you. The nice house / life but living unhappy.. or the smaller house / less easy life and live happier.

How old are you OP?

Original poster
Jungleoo · 07/09/2021 14:16

I'm 35

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 07/09/2021 14:20

Whilst I fully sympathise with you, you want your cake and to eat it by the sounds of things. As awful as you find him, you're using him to facilitate a lifestyle you like. You both are by the sounds of things. I'm sure you do like working part time and having time to yourself, I'm sure we all would, but most of us don't have this as we have to work. As harsh as it sounds, you need to step away from a marriage you don't want and get off your arse and work to provide, for yourself, what you do want. If that means losing out on bigger houses and leisure time then so be it

Boobieboobieboobie · 07/09/2021 14:22

@bigbaggyeyes

Whilst I fully sympathise with you, you want your cake and to eat it by the sounds of things. As awful as you find him, you're using him to facilitate a lifestyle you like. You both are by the sounds of things. I'm sure you do like working part time and having time to yourself, I'm sure we all would, but most of us don't have this as we have to work. As harsh as it sounds, you need to step away from a marriage you don't want and get off your arse and work to provide, for yourself, what you do want. If that means losing out on bigger houses and leisure time then so be it
Nothing wrong with wanting your cake and eating it! If op was happy, thats what she’d continue to do.
bigbaggyeyes · 07/09/2021 14:25

She's not happy though. She's said she hates her marriage

isthismylifenow · 07/09/2021 14:28

@Jungleoo

I'm 35
Can you see yourself living this way for another 40/50 years?
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 07/09/2021 14:29

Is there some training/upskilling you can do in your spare time that will result in a good salary increase? It sounds like the only thing stopping you from leaving is money so it would be worth looking at that. If you can retrain into something that pays well and has maybe even part time possibilities then your issues are solved. It would be better for your children if you could model a good relationship around them, or at least not a bad one.

HelpWendy · 07/09/2021 14:46

What does the idea of the actual separation in terms of two homes and kid logistics mean to you? As that is also part of the lifestyle change. I’m asking as I am struggling with this, as well as the lifestyle side (in that mostly being available for the kids part time). I’m in a similar place.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/09/2021 15:49

You sound very like me 7 or 8 years ago OP and I did choose to end the marriage. As it was my choice, I left the family home and went from being very much the hands on parent to 50/50. This was at my ex-husbands insistence, at least partly as punishment for having the nerve to leave him. This was an remains very tough. I also took far less of a settlement than I might ultimately have been entitled to because again, it was my choice to leave and I felt I had to take my punishment. So you have to think in terms of worse case scenarios - and they can be much worse than mine - and see can you live with them. Ultimately for me, the bad bits of life post seperation have been awful and much worse than my life with my ex. I work much harder, am poorer and my children have to divide their time and their lives and I'll never stop feeling guilty about that. On the other hand, the good bits have been wonderful and I feel like I am living truthfully and as myself, rather than in this kind of dull half-life I had before. The future feels full of possibility (on a good day) and I love having my own little house, taking care of business, and being open to the possibility of love and romance but without it being tied in any way to family life. I never missed or miss my ex-husband as a person which is very telling I think.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/09/2021 15:53

I would also warn you OP that you are very vulnerable to falling for someone else and if that happens, if it develops and worse, if your husband finds out, then you will lose control and any kind of moral authority in terms of the seperation. Don't let that happen