When you like your life but hate your marriage?

[Jungleoo]

This is the problem.
I quite like my life in some ways. I work part-time and now have 1.5 days each week to myself to do all the housework, run errands and go to the gym now that both DCs have started school. I am loving finally having some time to myself as life feels calmer and less chaotic. I like my home, I like that we're not skint anymore. I like my neighbours and the new friends I've made.
I absolutely love my job.

But I hate my marriage.
From the moment he gets home from work, I just want to be away from him. We had a rocky time for a while and I don't think I've ever really forgiven him for the way he behaved. I don't feel attracted to him at all and often slip into the spare bed at night to be on my own. I don't want to have sex with him and sometimes feel horrible if I do. I also find his conversation quite tedious. Practically, he's quite good, not great, but we do ok. We don't argue a lot either. We had relationship counselling a few years ago when things were tough, but he didn't really engage. I've continued having it on my own and have now probably paid out thousands in therapy and the only thing I ever talk about is how unhappy I am in my marriage.

I think I want a romantic relationship, but not with DH. I would like to carry on as friends. I told him all of this a few months ago, but he says he wants us to stay together to "work" at it. But it hasn't been worked at. He also tells me he's "very content" without a romantic relationship, which would actually make sense, as he'd never had one before meeting me.

If we separated, I'd need to find a new job to support myself and my kids FT and there are no FT hours at my work place. We would have to move house because there's no way I could afford to remain in the home we're in on my own, I'd lose the free time I've recently gained and I'd have to be away from my kids at weekends.

I go from thinking, this is ok, I can live like this, to craving intimate touch and love again.

I have tried to reignite our marriage but we're so different now. I recently became vegan, he's loves meat, I love country walks, he loves drinking beer in big cities, I like yoga and he thinks it's "all nonsense" and doesn't exercise at all, he is gaining more and more weight through unhealthy choices and I'm losing it through making healthy ones. I like to make myself look good, he hasn't cut his hair in 5 months.

We're poles apart.

MN, I don't know what to do?

@theleafandnotthetree

You sound very like me 7 or 8 years ago OP and I did choose to end the marriage. As it was my choice, I left the family home and went from being very much the hands on parent to 50/50. This was at my ex-husbands insistence, at least partly as punishment for having the nerve to leave him. This was an remains very tough. I also took far less of a settlement than I might ultimately have been entitled to because again, it was my choice to leave and I felt I had to take my punishment. So you have to think in terms of worse case scenarios - and they can be much worse than mine - and see can you live with them. Ultimately for me, the bad bits of life post seperation have been awful and much worse than my life with my ex. I work much harder, am poorer and my children have to divide their time and their lives and I'll never stop feeling guilty about that. On the other hand, the good bits have been wonderful and I feel like I am living truthfully and as myself, rather than in this kind of dull half-life I had before. The future feels full of possibility (on a good day) and I love having my own little house, taking care of business, and being open to the possibility of love and romance but without it being tied in any way to family life. I never missed or miss my ex-husband as a person which is very telling I think.

Really sad that you thought you needed to be punished.

@Boobieboobieboobie. Thanks, but don't feel too sorry for me. As per my second post, I had developed feelings for someone else and was in the middle of an emotional affair at least when I told my husband I wanted to seperate. He dug around (including hacking my email but that's another story) and found out about the OM and was justifiably furious. So while I think he would never have made it easy and was always going to be very difficult - partly why I wanted to leave him - I made a rod for my own back and felt that yes, I had to take my punishment. I don't mind for myself but I think certainly in the first few years, the children would have benefited from something like 70/30 and not such a sudden transition. It's all worked out quite well in the end and he has a great relationship with the children which he might never otherwise have had but the cleaner and simple these things are, the better.

@bigbaggyeyes by "having time to myself" I mean managing to do housework as you will see in the OP.

DH also gains from that, does he not?

"Get off your arse and work for yourself" wow @bigbaggyeyes.

There isn't much sitting on my arse to be done when I'm doing all school runs every day, working PT and doing the housework, whilst DH is able to sit on his arse working all day, facilitated by me.

You really need to look at your anti-femimist perceptions.

@theleafandnotthetree thank you for your honest experience. I appreciate it.

I hope you can find happiness again.

[quote Jungleoo]@bigbaggyeyes by "having time to myself" I mean managing to do housework as you will see in the OP.

DH also gains from that, does he not?[/quote]
So true OP. I worked part time when I was with my ex husband but the work I did in my time off made his life immeasurably easier. He pretty much never shopped, cooked, did laundry, housework....he simply didn't have to factor any of those into his schedule. Bar the odd bit of gardening/DIY and stuff with the children, his time was his own. We BOTH benefited from my working hours

[quote Jungleoo]@theleafandnotthetree thank you for your honest experience. I appreciate it.

I hope you can find happiness again.[/quote]
Well what I've realised is that happiness comes and goes, but so too do bad days and times. I am mostly pretty content and I am living life on my own terms, which is priceless. I felt so suffocated in my marriage - as much to do with my ambivelance as anything my ex husband did - that I feel I can breathe now. I still haven't really decided whether I was ultimately quite ill suited to the whole nuclear family set up or whether we were just a bad fit/he was a twat.

On the romance side of things, I have had a few really lovely relationships - and some very very good sex - which have been such a tonic and which have confirmed my choice for me.

I could have written a lot of your post op (but I am older than you). I find myself in a similar situation too. My dcs are quite young. I don't want to parent 50/50, I think that's what's at the crux of things for me...my life centres around my dc. I appreciate there is never a good time to make these decisions but at present practical logistics count for quite a bit. It is unlikely I would develop another relationship (even if I wanted one) given the childcare demands of dc and their ages. I am staying put (for now) but it doesn't feel authentic.

I have read one of your other posts about playing the long game. This is what I've gotten into and I could really relate to all that you posted.

Sorry you find yourself in this place too op. It feels very isolating. On top of everything else I don't have much extended family and very few friends to turn to for emotional support.

@Hettyfeather576457

I could have written a lot of your post op (but I am older than you). I find myself in a similar situation too. My dcs are quite young. I don't want to parent 50/50, I think that's what's at the crux of things for me...my life centres around my dc. I appreciate there is never a good time to make these decisions but at present practical logistics count for quite a bit. It is unlikely I would develop another relationship (even if I wanted one) given the childcare demands of dc and their ages. I am staying put (for now) but it doesn't feel authentic.

I have read one of your other posts about playing the long game. This is what I've gotten into and I could really relate to all that you posted.

Sorry you find yourself in this place too op. It feels very isolating. On top of everything else I don't have much extended family and very few friends to turn to for emotional support.

I'm not going to lie, the 50/50 is very tough on everyone and I would never try to talk someone out of their worries about that. There are so many dimensions to what makes someone happy or unhappy and imperfect, even if inauthentic is sometimes the best we can hope for at a particular point in time. But usually at some point, something shifts and then it gets more liveable with or more likely, it no longer adds up. And that's when you may well leave

I don't want to have sex with him and sometimes feel horrible if I do.

Your marriage is over. Having sex you don't want will destroy you.

Time to leave. 35 is so young.

OP this post resonates SO much with me. I’ve been thinking about posting something much the same, along the lines of ‘has anyone ever left even if things were ostensibly fine just because they were bored’. I won’t take over your post with my own long and complicated situation but I really sympathise with you. I feel selfish for even considering it because the children have a lovely life and are happy, DH is happy, I’d be totally upturning everyone’s lives completely out of the blue (to them). But I feel so flat and dull and like I’ve totally lost myself. I do love DH, there is a lot of good feeling there, but we have barely anything to say to each other these days, we don’t really engage with each other, sex is rare, and the thought that this is it for the next 30 or 40 or 50 years is terrifying. I’d rather be on my own, doing my own thing (with no one interrupting me every five seconds to show me stupid shit on their phone, which is DH’s version of connecting with me these days) and potentially meet someone at some point who’s actually interested in me and wants to actually talk to me. Feel horribly stuck and don’t know what to do.

Hi op. You need to leave. This 1.5 extra day that you use for housework and every evening and weekend spent with a man who has opposite values and you don't want to be with is a prison sentence.

On a practical level. If you split he would need to either contribute financially so that you would be able to afford still doing all th school pick ups etc, or he would have to do some himself therefore freeing you up to look for an additional job or a different job.

Look at what you would be entitled to. When I split, I was surprised at what help I got.

Could you look at starting a side business to bring in more income around your existing job? What is it that you do?

If we separated, I'd need to find a new job to support myself and my kids FT and there are no FT hours at my work place. We would have to move house because there's no way I could afford to remain in the home we're in on my own, I'd lose the free time I've recently gained and I'd have to be away from my kids at weekends.

Well you know what you have to do then. It's this or remain as unhappy as you are for another 40 years.

This is one of those dilemmas that isn't actually that complicated as it only boils down to two options. Well, three if you take into account open marriages and whatnot, but that's probably the hardest route of all.

I think in your heart of hearts you know what the answer is. Happiness can be found there. It will take courage and strength. You may find after a while that being content with the way things are isn't a fair substitute for a marriage you're not happy in anymore. These things have a way of unravelling themselves.

Apologies for the drip feed, but I think what has pushed these feelings more so is that we recently attended marriage counselling again- DHs idea after the honest conversation I had with him.

We then had to see the counsellor individually, which we both did and DH really disliked doing as he felt vulnerable going on his own... he assumed we would then attend together again.

But, she then requested she see us again separately as she and I felt that for me in particular, I needed more time to talk to her on my own. I saw her for a second time and he never made his appointment and has been avoiding her emails ever since.

I've purposely not brought it up again, to see just how willing he is to work on our marriage, but he has conveniently left it. He mentioned that he thought he might like to try a different counsellor as he didn't feel he gelled with her, but surely, he should have contacted one then?

It just confuses me when he makes moved towards positive change, but then ut doesn't materialise.

I would put my kids needs ahead of my own. Stay in the nice house with the nice lifestyle and free time to spend with my children. It sounds like if you left you wouldn’t have time for a relationship anyway because you’d be too busy trying to stay afloat financially.

You are so young, aren’t you just putting off the inevitable? Are you looking forward to growing old together? When you both stop working and are together ALL the time.
I’m not sure I could do it…

@LemonTT

You split up and deal with being a single parent. Don’t bring your children up in a dysfunctional family. They will realise things are wrong. Eventually things will come to a head, because of affairs or arguments. Everything will become far more toxic and acrimonious than it needs to be.

Basically you are proposing to be the man, who unhappy in his marriage, decides an affair is all he needs to be happy. Instead of just admitting he wants out and accepting the financial impact. All they do is cause pain and destruction.

You are just delaying the inevitable and in doing so making everything more difficult. That will include the financial impact for both of you.

All of this. Don't teach your children that this is what a relationship is meant to look like.

Better to leave in a planned way now, rather than your husband has an affair/ 10, 15 years from now and it will be far more scary

You're 35?! Please don't spend more time being unsatisfied, unfulfilled and modelling this relationship to your children - you have decades and decades and decades ahead of you!

@Boomkin

I would put my kids needs ahead of my own. Stay in the nice house with the nice lifestyle and free time to spend with my children. It sounds like if you left you wouldn’t have time for a relationship anyway because you’d be too busy trying to stay afloat financially.

This is fine in theory but probably unsustainable in the long term. And generally, if the long term outcome is going to be seperation it is better to do it relatively young and with the children relatively young and before things get very bad between two people with the potential for affairs, etc..

This is such an interesting post. I complete identify with the OP. My kids are 5 and 2 and my thoughts are to get the youngest to school age and sort everything out in the meantime for separation. Biting the bullet now for me means such stress for everyone, husband, me and kids. I feel like at that age they are still young enough (though eldest will be 8 and I hear that’s a tricky age? Any thoughts?). Maybe I am just scared to bite the bullet now but life would be horrendous for everyone with the youngest so small and not sleeping etc etc. Gives us a chance to sort out finances and set us up? Am I mad? Or kidding myself? Sorry don’t mean to hyjack. It is depressing to think that this is it for life, I don’t see us enjoying each other for a lifetime at all, but if I just give it some time to get kids up and running…? And put myself in circumstances where I can have myself organised to find another workable lifestyle for everyone. Maybe I am kidding myself.

35 is very young to settle for a loveless marriage
I became a lone parent of a 4 and 5 year old at 33 (although not of my choice)
My mid 30s were amazing as I rediscovered myself and entered new relationships
Money was tight and I struggled to fit in work, children, social life and dating but you seem to manage somehow
I became very successful in a new career, travelled a lot, gained new friends and interests and 25 years later am very happy with my lot
Would have missed out so much if ex DH and I had stayed together
I also think I’ve been a great role model for my now grown up DC

@Pemmican

I don't want to have sex with him and sometimes feel horrible if I do.

Your marriage is over. Having sex you don't want will destroy you.

Time to leave. 35 is so young.

This.

You aren't in a rush as such so take back control by getting organised and creating the option of a viable exit plan.

Don't drift, take back control.

Urgh your only 35.

He's avoidant of dealing with the real issues he isn't interested in changing is he?

I think you ultimately need to end it.