When you like your life but hate your marriage?

[Jungleoo]

This is the problem.
I quite like my life in some ways. I work part-time and now have 1.5 days each week to myself to do all the housework, run errands and go to the gym now that both DCs have started school. I am loving finally having some time to myself as life feels calmer and less chaotic. I like my home, I like that we're not skint anymore. I like my neighbours and the new friends I've made.
I absolutely love my job.

But I hate my marriage.
From the moment he gets home from work, I just want to be away from him. We had a rocky time for a while and I don't think I've ever really forgiven him for the way he behaved. I don't feel attracted to him at all and often slip into the spare bed at night to be on my own. I don't want to have sex with him and sometimes feel horrible if I do. I also find his conversation quite tedious. Practically, he's quite good, not great, but we do ok. We don't argue a lot either. We had relationship counselling a few years ago when things were tough, but he didn't really engage. I've continued having it on my own and have now probably paid out thousands in therapy and the only thing I ever talk about is how unhappy I am in my marriage.

I think I want a romantic relationship, but not with DH. I would like to carry on as friends. I told him all of this a few months ago, but he says he wants us to stay together to "work" at it. But it hasn't been worked at. He also tells me he's "very content" without a romantic relationship, which would actually make sense, as he'd never had one before meeting me.

If we separated, I'd need to find a new job to support myself and my kids FT and there are no FT hours at my work place. We would have to move house because there's no way I could afford to remain in the home we're in on my own, I'd lose the free time I've recently gained and I'd have to be away from my kids at weekends.

I go from thinking, this is ok, I can live like this, to craving intimate touch and love again.

I have tried to reignite our marriage but we're so different now. I recently became vegan, he's loves meat, I love country walks, he loves drinking beer in big cities, I like yoga and he thinks it's "all nonsense" and doesn't exercise at all, he is gaining more and more weight through unhealthy choices and I'm losing it through making healthy ones. I like to make myself look good, he hasn't cut his hair in 5 months.

We're poles apart.

MN, I don't know what to do?

Well, it's not solely your decision though, is it?

At some point, he may wake up to decide he wants more of a sexual relationship.

Or get his head turned by someone else.

At which point, you'll be at the sharp end.

I wouldn't sit around thinking this will go on for as long as you decide it will. You might think you know him, but at certain life stages, people can think "hang on, wtf am I doing here".

I'd make sure you're in a good position to go it alone even if you are not willing to wield the hatchet yourself.

Category12 is right- although there is also no urgent reason to leave if you are amicable, kind, parenting well.
Perhaps imagine what a ‘good’ spilt would look like for you and him, and work out how long it would take to work to that- no reason why you can’t live with one another for as long as that takes.
You may find he is more on board if you ask him too

@category12

Well, it's not solely your decision though, is it?

At some point, he may wake up to decide he wants more of a sexual relationship.

Or get his head turned by someone else.

At which point, you'll be at the sharp end.

I wouldn't sit around thinking this will go on for as long as you decide it will. You might think you know him, but at certain life stages, people can think "hang on, wtf am I doing here".

I'd make sure you're in a good position to go it alone even if you are not willing to wield the hatchet yourself.

Indeed, events dear boy, events. There are lots of moving parts, not just your feelings OP. Your husbands feelings/actions being one. One of the things which pushed me to end things was I kept imagining if something happened to either of us healthwise, like a degenerative disease or something and then we would be stuck. The thought of him caring for me or me for him was just awful. Rather random I know but these things happen. If you are this unhappy in the marriage when you have a very good and stable life otherwise, how would it be if one of those other elements changed radically?

@Jungleoo

"Get off your arse and work for yourself" wow *@bigbaggyeyes*.

There isn't much sitting on my arse to be done when I'm doing all school runs every day, working PT and doing the housework, whilst DH is able to sit on his arse working all day, facilitated by me.

You really need to look at your anti-femimist perceptions.

I'm certainly not going to make snide remarks about your hours, I work part time too and also use the time to do family and house stuff with the gym thrown in.

I will say, though, that you both seem to be facilitating each other. After all, your entire thread is about how you hate being married to him but it affords you a lifestyle that suits you. It isn't fair to suggest that it works only one way.

He may feel the same as you...likely, if sex is an issue as well.

As a PP said, it isn't really that complicated as it comes down to two options. Perhaps you do decide that you like your lifestyle more than you hate your marriage. But again as others have said, that leaves both of you very much open to falling in love (or lust) elsewhere, and then the choice may become much easier, for one of you at least.

Personally I don't think I could do it. It would destroy me being married to someone I couldn't stand, even if it let me work part time and go to the gym. I worked full time before, I plan to again, it's what most people do. But I'm not you.

Make your decision, but as it isn't love that's holding you two together, be prepared for the split if you do stay. It may not be your decision, as someone said.

Does your lovely house have a patio?

Just put him under it. Job done.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I wonder if his parents marriage was similarly loveless? So he wouldn't miss what he's never witnessed.

If you stay, your children will have the same expectations of marriage, and will likely end up in the same situation you are now. I'm sure you wouldnt want that.

This kind of thing is said a lot but honestly, most children would always prefer mum and dad to stay together in the same house even if the relationship is loveless, functional etc. I know mine would have and I know marriages which were far more toxic and high conflict than mine and the children are the same. And as for the long term legacy of this in terms of their own relationships, I think that that can sometimes be overstated. Children go up to be people in their own right, not simply products of us and when I look around at the marriages and relationships I'm familiar with, I don't necesarily see any very obvious line between 'bad parental marriage' and bad relationship choices unless the situation was very bad indeed. Most people are just muddling through. I think people tell themselves these kind of things to make themselves feel less bad about leaving or because they think their own happiness isnt a good enough reason to leave - hey, I've done it myself - but really they should just own their decision. I left because I didnt love my husband and was starting to severelt dislike him but in a low conflict situation such as hours, my children would probably have been better off had I stayed. That is hard to live with it but is nonetheless true.

I didnt love my husband and was starting to severelt dislike him but in a low conflict situation such as hours, my children would probably have been better off had I stayed.

How old are your children now? Most children would say they want their parents to stay together but might say differently as adults.

@DrSbaitso

I didnt love my husband and was starting to severelt dislike him but in a low conflict situation such as hours, my children would probably have been better off had I stayed.

How old are your children now? Most children would say they want their parents to stay together but might say differently as adults.

They are 15 and 11. They don't say anything much about our situation, don't complain and get on with it. They accept it but that is not the same thing as being happy with it or wishing it were otherwise. Their lives now and in the future will always be that much more complicated and tricky than if they were living in one house with their parents, there is no getting away from that. That will continue when they are young adults coming home for holidays, when they live away (as they almost certainly will do) coming home for visits. I can't say how they'll feel as adults but I wouldn't blame them in the least for carrying some resentment towards me especially. And I'll have to accept that, they are allowed to develop their own understanding and feelings about their own lives. I will say they are very empathetic and grounded children, very unjudgemental usually. I can only hope they stay the same and can apply to it to our situation. Our relationship is really excellent and I hope it stays that way

35 is young to think you can’t improve on your situation in op

But you sound like you prefer to stay?

Although he sounds like he has low needs if ok with someone who doesn’t like him that much

I would put my kids needs ahead of my own. Stay in the nice house with the nice lifestyle and free time to spend with my children. It sounds like if you left you wouldn’t have time for a relationship anyway because you’d be too busy trying to stay afloat financially

But Is that putting the kids first, the op's relationship with her dh is the relationship the dc will think is 'normal' they will measure their relationships against this for the rest if their lives. I can't imagine it's a fun family environment with lots of love between the op and her dh, affection and laughter. I'd rather have that than a nice lifestyle. By staying it teaches the dc to stay in unhealthy relationships.