Husband has walked out ....

[lemonsandpumpkins]

I have name changed …. Well, think I have anyway, if I’ve done it properly. Sorry if this is a bit long, trying not to drip feed.

My husband has left and it’s just hitting home, there’s fault on both sides but at the moment I just feel lost.

We’ve been married for 5 years, together for 6. I have 3 DC from my first marriage (relatively amicable divorce, both now remarried) and we’ve gone on to have 2 further DC, there’s a 10 year gap between the 2 sets of children.
My DH has a history of depression and anxiety and at times it has been all consuming, but he has been proactive in seeking help, will go to the gp and takes meds. However, when I was pregnant with our first DC together he had a breakdown and as a result he was let go from work on the grounds of ill health. His employers really did try to facilitate his return but it was unmanageable, in the end nothing is worth risking your health over and work really was exacerbating his mental health issues.

He switched meds, attended psychiatry appointments and worked at getting better. He found creative work he could do from home and seemed in a better place altogether. So much so we had a second DC together.

We’ve always had arguments like any couple, usually quite mundane in nature, but every few months or so an argument will escalate and follow the same pattern. He has quite a temper, he’ll flare up, shout, rant, get really animated and will cumulate in him leaving to go to his parents house. This really can be over the most trivial of things, either one of us could be at fault (although he never thinks he’s in the wrong) but it plays out the same. He goes to his parents, cools off, we talk it through and he comes home. I’m open with the older children about their step dads mental health and why he needs to take time out post argument.

He can get quite fixated on things and struggles to let things go, I’m the opposite and am too laid back on occasion. He is struggling with the older DC, his step-children, the older girls in particular DD16 and DD14. He believes I’m not strict enough with them and let them get away with too much. To a degree he’s probably right but I think they’re good kids overall, they’ll help me out, do chores, love their little siblings and interact with them all the time. Sort themselves out for school, never miss a day or go in late and generally do as they’re told …. except when it comes to going to bed and getting out of bed when it’s not a school day. Then they will try and stay in bed until the afternoon.

So our little boy was playing up and DH rightly told him off, but DH then followed that up with a comment about how he shouldn’t tell off DS as the older kids “do what they want anyway” I retaliated to say that’s unfair and out of nowhere and next thing you know DH says he’s leaving as he’s had enough.

That was 4 days ago and he’s messaged tonight to say he’s done, he can’t handle my lack of parenting of the older children, I constantly belittle him and treat him as the least important member of the family. I’ve never supported him enough with his mental health and he can’t be in this relationship anymore.

I can’t argue because if that’s how he feels then that is how he feels but it all seems so unfair. I’ve always supported to the best of my ability, even if inside I was shitting myself as to how we’d cope, I kept it together and didn’t let it show. I work full time to support the family, he’s done some questionable things in the past but again I’ve always tried to be fair, talk things through and now I feel completely dumped …… sorry if this is a bit rambley but I feel so alone

Honestly OP having read all your posts in this thread I think you've justified all this controlling behaviour and abuse from OH because of his mental health problems. That's really not okay and you and the kids shouldn't be walking on eggshells because he's always looking for a reason to get butt hurt so that he can lash out and storm off.

Storming off in itself is a huge red flag and shows he is utterly incapable of communicating, instead punishing you and stone walling you. It's hilarious that he does this btw yet claims to know all the tricks in the trade for therapy - he just can't seem to apply them??

Tell him to stay at his parents, you've got four kids already and don't need a fifth one.

Why do you want this Man back lovely...

it sounds like a hellish existence for you and the kids 🌸

Whilst people with MH issues should be supported and not made to feel ashamed of course, there does need to be recognition of the toll this has on those around them.
And no one should have to bear the brunt of it, especially children.

Popping in again to say more clearly I don’t think this is just (or perhaps even) depression. Is he unable to complete basic self care, does he have the inability to enjoy (anhedonia) and does he exhibit low mood. Very telling he didn’t retreat to his parents when they were shielding. TBH this seems more like throwing his toys out of the pram. When my husband was at his lowest and had admitted to suicidal thoughts, I came home from work wondering if I might find him dead. Not having to listen to him ranting about normal kid behaviours and having managed to get up, dressed and presumably drive to his folks.

When he had his breakdown (for want of a better term) his behaviour was more consistent with an anxiety related disorder, in my untrained opinion.

I phoned the gp for me earlier today, they've referred me for talking therapies and signed me off work for a couple of weeks. Gives me some breathing space to pull myself together and sort out arrangements for the children.

Thank you to everyone who was commented, everyone has been so comforting.

I think you're being very sensible to take some time out to regroup and look after yourself - all this must have been a big shock to you and now that you're learning you aren't obliged to be walked all over because of his 'depression'. Learning that your husband is actually behaving really badly isn't easy when you're so used to it. Whatever you decide, you'll be able to come at it from a place where you've had time and space to think and that can only be a good thing. Good luck.

No idea why I did , meant to do .

Tell him you understand that it's over and you hope you can remain friends.

I agree with @Jarnss’s advice. There’s more to this than depression, there’s immaturity and a lack of understanding of what it means to be a parent. Plus, who goes running home to Mum and Dad every time there’s a disagreement? That’s not how adults sort out arguments or relationship difficulties (unless they’re in an abusive or unsafe situation). He needs to grow up or stay with his parents. You can’t keep being the only adult in this marriage.💐

I am sorry love but this sounds like you are having to live your life walking on egg shells around him. I know it is not going to be easy in the beginning but you need you back. When you get back to yourself you will see how much you have given away of yourself to stay with him.

When he had his breakdown (for want of a better term) his behaviour was more consistent with an anxiety related disorder

That doesn't alter my earlier comments.

I'm glad your GP has been supportive. Hopefully some breathing space will make things a bit more manageable for you.

You will get through this. Take care.

What teens don't stay up a bit later or lay in bed on the weekend. I agree with other posters jealous and immature.

he wanted me to address this and put some sort of consequence in place.
What the fuck? He wanted you to punish your children for not having the same relationship with a man they've known for a few years who has repeatedly walked out on them as they do with you? I would have absolutely nothing to do with my step-dad if he'd behaved like that when I was a teenager (or ever). Their loyalty is to you; that won't change. And your loyalty is to them.

He needs to stay gone.

Your teens sound normal and better than average behaved. His complaints and expectations of them are unreasonable.

They have withdraw from him because of his behaviour - his grumpiness when he’s there and the frequent dramatic flounces. It’s cause and effect - you act like an arse and people don’t like you.

You have failed to force them to like him and failed to punish them for their ( perfectly natural ) feelings.

Once you get over the shock you are all going to be much happier without him. Though I suspect that he will use his contact with the younger children to try to continue controlling you and criticising your parenting.

He will be on the phone all the time telling you “ we need to make the children do x and y “ . Which means he wants you to train then to his satisfaction.

He may use your failures do this/ comply with his demands as an excuse to stop seeing them.

Just to warn you. Hope that doesn’t happen for your kids sake.

Op, I think you need to understand you are married to a very sick man, he’s mentally unwell, as it happened so soon after you met and married him and still didn’t really know him (I’m sorry but you didn’t) it’s likely he’s been ill before.

Supporting a very unwell person is difficult. But when you’ve four children to care for and protect it becomes nigh on impossible

He’s doing nothing wrong, his behaviour is due to mental illness, you can’t howver let it impact how you parent, you sound like you have a good relationship with your children, don’t let him ruin it for you. That’s something you’d never get over

I have to be honest, him wanting your kids to “support him” is disturbing, but mental illness can make people selfish, self absorbed. He’s not looking for what’s best for the kids, just what’s good for him.

In my honest opinion for you children’s sake you need to keep him gone

@Bluntness100. I agree that mental illness is playing a role, but his level of selfishness seems beyond that - never mind his relationship with the teenagers, he's abandoned the OP and his own small children. From the OP's posts, he's not suicidal or having a breakdown, he's moved home to his parents after an argument, leaving the OP to deal with everything and find alternative childcare for his children. This IS selfish, IMO.

I do agree with @Bluntness100 in some respects, he was definitely a lot more unwell than I ever initially realised. Also think it's fair to say we didn't truly know one other. He had spoke of mental health struggles in the past, but nothing quite on the same level. He had successfully held down his job for over 20 years in a public facing role prior to us meeting. But thinking about it, he had zero commitments, was living back with his parents and had never had a real long term relationship. There was anything to push at his mental health really.

*wasn't anything

I appreciate what you're saying, OP, my Mum had a similar situation with my Dad, she didn't realize how unstable he was until she married him and like you, she shouldered all the burdens throughout their marriage.

But, there's an element of personal responsibility in there as well. You didn't force him to marry you and become a father, did you. He made the decision to have two children and now he needs to parent them, not go home to his parents every time things get tricky. Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's reminding me of my Dad's behavior.

[quote Cameleongirl]@Bluntness100. I agree that mental illness is playing a role, but his level of selfishness seems beyond that - never mind his relationship with the teenagers, he's abandoned the OP and his own small children. From the OP's posts, he's not suicidal or having a breakdown, he's moved home to his parents after an argument, leaving the OP to deal with everything and find alternative childcare for his children. This IS selfish, IMO.[/quote]
I think we are saying the same thing really. Of course it’s selfish, what im saying is mental illness can very often make people very selfish

Op, the issue I think is you aren’t to know if he’s just a selfish self absorbed person, or it’s his illness making him act like this.

He needs to get help, stay with his parents, maybe Disney dad a bit when he can cope with it, and see how it goes over time. As in a couple of years at least, till he is stable, understands it’s his role to support the children and not them to support him, and demonstrates he can parent with responsibility. With no romantic involvement with you, right now the kids need to be protected and to ensure they aren’t in a chaotic environment that will damage them, but a calm stable one.

Disclaimer - none of the following applies to serious psychiatric disorders. It's clear that the OP's H is at the coping end of the spectrum of mood disorders, which is where a good percentage of the population lives.

Mental illness can make people selfish, yes. It can also provide a selfish person with all the excuses for behaving badly.

If he genuinely wasn't able to cope with life, he'd engage with therapy/ies above a pill a day. But he gets to feel a bit better with the medication, while not having to address any of the issues in the way he deals with other people.

He'd have worked with the company that wanted him back, rather than do the 'creative' work at home that I'm assuming is more of a monetised hobby that leaves OP responsible for more of the bills.

He'd have run away to his parents when they were shielding - he could have shielded with them. But then his needs would have been subordinate to theirs.

But as it stands, he gets everyone running around making excuses for him and if he wants more submission from them he has a massive shout which he's never been asked to apologise for, or he buggers off to his poor parents to really show you how wrong you are.

@lemonsandpumpkins I really hope you take this time to consider your options. How do you want your life to look, and how is that different from now?

And has your H ever apologised, or expressed remorse, or maintained a change in behaviour for more than a few days? These are important pointers as to whether the man you hope you married is even in there.

@Sleepinghyena

What is the problem with teens staying up late and sleeping in at the weekend? I have three teens and they don't have a bedtime (although they have to be settled quietly in their rooms by a set time so I can sleep uninterrupted) They get up when they want at the weekend. Surely that is normal. Who is trying to impose bedtime/ get up time on them? If it is DP you need to tell him to back off.

I'm in my 60s and had a pretty strict mother.

I rarely surfaced before 12 on a Sunday when I was a teen..

It's nothing new

Hi all, little update although not much has happened to be honest.

DH has been around in the day the last few days as our DS started nursery. We did the first day drop off and pick up together and I dropped off he picked up yesterday. We spoke a bit afterwards, he's still of the mindset that we're better apart to avoid the arguments/storm outs, I can't really disagree with that.

I did say that every couple will have disagreements, it's unrealistic to need to be in total agreement at all times. I don't have any control over how he acts in an argument, I can't control his temper or be held responsible for it. He still doesn't see that as an issue, it's like after the event he only recalls the subject of the argument but not how he reacted at the time??

The older children have gone back to high school, my elder DD ensures her sister and brother (DS12) are up and getting ready for school. I know it's nothing overly commendable but it is a great help and really helps in the mornings.

So for now, I'll carry on looking after the household. Following a PP's suggestion I've downloaded Lundy Bancroft's book and started that yesterday, already I'm finding it really insightful, a good read. My appointment (telephone) for talking therapies came through and that will take place next week, so all in all I hope I'm moving forward in a positive manner.

Thanks again everyone x

That all sounds very positive on your part - and having someone else chivvy the youngers is brilliant!