I have name changed …. Well, think I have anyway, if I’ve done it properly. Sorry if this is a bit long, trying not to drip feed.
My husband has left and it’s just hitting home, there’s fault on both sides but at the moment I just feel lost.
We’ve been married for 5 years, together for 6. I have 3 DC from my first marriage (relatively amicable divorce, both now remarried) and we’ve gone on to have 2 further DC, there’s a 10 year gap between the 2 sets of children.
My DH has a history of depression and anxiety and at times it has been all consuming, but he has been proactive in seeking help, will go to the gp and takes meds. However, when I was pregnant with our first DC together he had a breakdown and as a result he was let go from work on the grounds of ill health. His employers really did try to facilitate his return but it was unmanageable, in the end nothing is worth risking your health over and work really was exacerbating his mental health issues.
He switched meds, attended psychiatry appointments and worked at getting better. He found creative work he could do from home and seemed in a better place altogether. So much so we had a second DC together.
We’ve always had arguments like any couple, usually quite mundane in nature, but every few months or so an argument will escalate and follow the same pattern. He has quite a temper, he’ll flare up, shout, rant, get really animated and will cumulate in him leaving to go to his parents house. This really can be over the most trivial of things, either one of us could be at fault (although he never thinks he’s in the wrong) but it plays out the same. He goes to his parents, cools off, we talk it through and he comes home. I’m open with the older children about their step dads mental health and why he needs to take time out post argument.
He can get quite fixated on things and struggles to let things go, I’m the opposite and am too laid back on occasion. He is struggling with the older DC, his step-children, the older girls in particular DD16 and DD14. He believes I’m not strict enough with them and let them get away with too much. To a degree he’s probably right but I think they’re good kids overall, they’ll help me out, do chores, love their little siblings and interact with them all the time. Sort themselves out for school, never miss a day or go in late and generally do as they’re told …. except when it comes to going to bed and getting out of bed when it’s not a school day. Then they will try and stay in bed until the afternoon.
So our little boy was playing up and DH rightly told him off, but DH then followed that up with a comment about how he shouldn’t tell off DS as the older kids “do what they want anyway” I retaliated to say that’s unfair and out of nowhere and next thing you know DH says he’s leaving as he’s had enough.
That was 4 days ago and he’s messaged tonight to say he’s done, he can’t handle my lack of parenting of the older children, I constantly belittle him and treat him as the least important member of the family. I’ve never supported him enough with his mental health and he can’t be in this relationship anymore.
I can’t argue because if that’s how he feels then that is how he feels but it all seems so unfair. I’ve always supported to the best of my ability, even if inside I was shitting myself as to how we’d cope, I kept it together and didn’t let it show. I work full time to support the family, he’s done some questionable things in the past but again I’ve always tried to be fair, talk things through and now I feel completely dumped …… sorry if this is a bit rambley but I feel so alone