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Original poster

Divorce and the kids. Is this arrangement viable longterm?

78 replies

Moolihooli · 04/09/2021 06:18

We have 2 kids aged 12 and 7. Although we had begun divorce proceedings at the end of 2019, when lockdown happened we decided it was best for the kids to stay together for the time being.

We used that time to sort out finances etc. She is keeping the house and I recently moved into a small flat. Unfortunately the only place I can afford nearby is a small 1 bed flat.

It’s really important that I’m within walking distance to the kids. Especially since I don’t have enough room to have them overnight.

But I don’t know how long this is viable. Only having the children for the day is very hard. I tell myself that the unsuitably of the flat means it’s best for them but I don’t know how true that is in the longterm.

How damaging will it be if I don’t have regular sleepovers? We have agreed that I will take them on holidays but is that enough?

OP posts:
Sakurami · 04/09/2021 06:25

I would say not. Also your ex could do with some free time to go out and date etc which is hard if you have the kids every night.

The best thing would be to sell the house and move somewhere else where you both have enough room.

ivykaty44 · 04/09/2021 06:32

Can the D.C. stay overnight in your room and you get a sofa bed?

You may only have a small space but if you set up the bedroom with two single beds you’ll still have more space that a 6 birth caravan if 20ft long by 7 foot wide and it’s one night or two nights a week

Being close by so the D.C. can walk to your place is a great access, as they can visit if they want and you’ll know they want to be there with you

Original poster
Moolihooli · 04/09/2021 06:35

Thank you for responding.

Yes, that would be a great solution but my STBEW will fight to the bitter end to keep the house. So far things have been fairly amicable, as much as is possible in divorce. But she has already stated that the house is the most important thing to keep stability for the children and she will give every penny fighting for it to lawyers if it comes down to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moolihooli · 04/09/2021 06:37

You may only have a small space but if you set up the bedroom with two single beds you’ll still have more space that a 6 birth caravan if 20ft long by 7 foot wide and it’s one night or two nights a week

I did consider this but eldest is a boy and youngest a girl. STBEW thinks it would be inappropriate

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 04/09/2021 06:39

Well stbex has a choice

Single beds a screen and share the space

Or sell the home and both get more equal size living spaces

romdowa · 04/09/2021 06:39

Could you get a sofa bed? You and your ds could share that and your dd in the bedroom? Or you could give your ds the sofa bed and you kip on an air matress on the floor?

Buffoonborisisatwat · 04/09/2021 06:43

@Moolihooli

You may only have a small space but if you set up the bedroom with two single beds you’ll still have more space that a 6 birth caravan if 20ft long by 7 foot wide and it’s one night or two nights a week

I did consider this but eldest is a boy and youngest a girl. STBEW thinks it would be inappropriate

You could share with the boy and put a movable screen round the sofa bed for the girl?
HandScreen · 04/09/2021 06:43

No, that is really unfair to you. You are entitled to half the home. The kids will be fine with moving house - it's much more damaging for them (and you) to not have equal access to you! Your wife doesn't have a leg to dtand on, legally - half the house if yours.

lannistunut · 04/09/2021 06:45

@Moolihooli

You may only have a small space but if you set up the bedroom with two single beds you’ll still have more space that a 6 birth caravan if 20ft long by 7 foot wide and it’s one night or two nights a week

I did consider this but eldest is a boy and youngest a girl. STBEW thinks it would be inappropriate

Then you have two singles for you and the boy, and the girl has a sofa bed in the lounge.
lannistunut · 04/09/2021 06:47

I agree though, splitting the house to allow.more suitable living arrangements.

I think you need a solicitor.

Original poster
Moolihooli · 04/09/2021 06:47

Your wife doesn't have a leg to dtand on, legally - half the house if yours.

Is that true even if the house and mortgage is in her name? She has always earned considerably more and I never asked to be put on the deeds even after we married.

OP posts:
Persipan · 04/09/2021 06:50

How about a nesting arrangement? The house is jointly retained for as long as the kids are kids, they live there the whole time so have maximum stability, and parents swap in and out when it's their time with the kids (staying elsewhere in something like your 1-bed place the rest of the time). Once they're not kids anymore the house can be sold and divided equally.

RhubarbCrumbled · 04/09/2021 06:51

It's not necessarily half but that's the starting point. You both need to be able to provide a home for the children, it gives better stability to have regular ' normal' access to both parents. I managed to buy my ex out of the house but it meant going back to work full time and lots of negotiating as the house hadn't sold after 6 months. In the meantime he rented a small house that was big enough for both children to stay over.
It wasn't easy but we got there and we both now have homes for the boys.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 04/09/2021 06:51

You need to seek proper legal advice. Marriage gives you a lot of rights over assets.

Children are best served by two happy parents. The obsession with staying in the ‘family home’ very rarely comes from the children (unless brainwashed into it), who tend to be pretty adaptable.

ivykaty44 · 04/09/2021 06:59

The house is the marital home and yes part of the house could be yours

You need legal advise on this matter

RantyAunty · 04/09/2021 07:05

Sleeping bags on the floor.
They're kids.

lannistunut · 04/09/2021 07:09

@RantyAunty

Sleeping bags on the floor. They're kids.
This would not be considered suitable.
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 04/09/2021 07:13

I understood once you were married the house is a shared asset so yes, you have a claim to it. Curious as to why you didn't want to go on mortgage once married tho. Hope you can get it sorted.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 04/09/2021 07:14

It's not clear whether you have actually bought the flat, if not then hang on.

Roblox01 · 04/09/2021 07:17

@Moolihooli

Your wife doesn't have a leg to dtand on, legally - half the house if yours.

Is that true even if the house and mortgage is in her name? She has always earned considerably more and I never asked to be put on the deeds even after we married.

You were married so that will count for something. You say you've sorted the finances but that should include housing.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with her about this. You deserve to have the kids as well. Have you taken any legal advice?

Guineapigbridge · 04/09/2021 07:21

She's being very unfair about this, OP, you know she is.

Sakurami · 04/09/2021 07:21

Get legal advice. If you're married you have more rights. And it is better for the kids to be able to stay at both parents.

Mn753 · 04/09/2021 07:25

Personally I hate the idea of kids having to sleep at 2 houses so I think if you see them plenty and they get their own bed it's all good. Save your money to help them when they're leaving home. Also I like the idea of nesting where you take turns in the house but doesn't sound like your wife would be amenable

HandScreen · 04/09/2021 07:26

@Moolihooli

Your wife doesn't have a leg to dtand on, legally - half the house if yours.

Is that true even if the house and mortgage is in her name? She has always earned considerably more and I never asked to be put on the deeds even after we married.

Yes, you have rights here. You should seek legal advice - this will work out OK.
Original poster
Moolihooli · 04/09/2021 07:29

She's being very unfair about this, OP, you know she is.

I’m not sure she is being unfair. I agree that we need to do a lot more talking about what’s best for the children and that might mean she contributes to a bigger place (I’m currently renting) but she is doing her best in a difficult situation. She didn’t want to divorce and I know it is taking every ounce of her reasonable self to make it as smooth as possible for the kids. I have been struggling with MH for a few years and realised that our relationship was actually the cause of a lot of my anxiety and depression. We haven’t been happy together for a long time and have had a functional relationship for the sake of the kids but there has been no sex or intimacy since the youngest was born.

OP posts: