Am I in the wrong for feeling upset about something my MIL said?

[Mamaoftwo2112]

I will just cut to the chase very quickly. I stopped breastfeeding at 2 months (please don't judge me) for many different reasons: my partner pressured me to breastfeed as it is the best nutrients for our baby (I didnt really want to but I thought he has little control and I would give him that for piece of mind of our babies health. I stopped because of the pain, plus baby stopped latching properly as I was using a nipple guard and that complicated the whole thing. Also for convenience of the day time as I was not leaving the house because of breastfeeding: the leaks when you are out etc. Plus I just never really got the hang of it. It was an extremely tough decision for me to stop and I still feel super guilty over it and some days stress about it. (Have I done a disservice to my baby is he going to have health problems growing up etc). My partner's mum said to him " i really wish she hadn't stopped breastfeeding" this has just made me feel really irritated and upset. I don't know what answers I'm looking for here but maybe just some reasurance that this is my body and I get to choose. She breastfed all her babies way over six months. The comment has made me feel extremely inadequate and upset about this whole breastfeeding thing all over again.

She wishes you hadn't stopped breastfeeding. She was maybe tactless to say so but it's just an opinion.

Are you being deliberately disingenuous? Mothers are pressured in to BFing and told they aren’t doing their best for the baby if they choose not to. Even the strongest of mind would feel this “opinion” was a slight on them.

It is none of anyone’s business how a parent chooses to feed their child. MIL can have whatever opinion she likes but that should never make its ways to the ear of a new mum doing what is right for her and her child.

She breastfed all her babies way over six months

Did she ever offer you any support or practical help as someone with that experience or just criticise you for stopping?

Ultimately, like the birth plan, only the woman gets a casting vote - you should do what you need to but that often requires you to deafen your ears to those who think they also get a vote. Its difficult though when tired, post natal and with your first and closing your ears is sometimes a survival skill!

Even if it wasn't something as personal as breastfeeding, your MIL should stay out of something you and your partner disagree on. If she's bothered about the benefits of breastfeeding to baby perhaps she should consider the benefits of a happy, supported mum.

My mil formula fed and is very open and comfortable that she didn't want to and resisted any pressure to try. Yet when I did, she was my most passionate supporter. She would tell complete strangers on the bus how proud she was that I was breastfeeding twins. Not because her views had changed but because she felt the role of grandma to babies is to be team mum.

Whether to breastfeed has to be solely the choice of the person who would be doing it. That choice should be supported

Not their boobs not their decision to make

And they wonder why women get pnd? He needs to address it not you. It’s not her call and it’s not her to desire you to do something so personal or not - I’m sorry this gets my goat!

I might write her an email to say you are under enough pressure without her making you feel guilty over how you feed your baby and it feels and is critical and not supportive

I’ve got 3 strapping lads in 20s and 30s— all bottle fed- I managed 2 days with the last one— please don’t beat yourself up and ignore comments like this

@BoredZelda

She wishes you hadn't stopped breastfeeding. She was maybe tactless to say so but it's just an opinion.

Are you being deliberately disingenuous? Mothers are pressured in to BFing and told they aren’t doing their best for the baby if they choose not to. Even the strongest of mind would feel this “opinion” was a slight on them.

It is none of anyone’s business how a parent chooses to feed their child. MIL can have whatever opinion she likes but that should never make its ways to the ear of a new mum doing what is right for her and her child.

But she didn't express this to the op. She said it to her son.

I bf, expressed, mixed fed and moved fully to formula when dd was 10 months.

As far as I am concerned, and many many people I know feel the same way - However you feed your DBaby, it is best because baby is getting fed. If you bf, that's great in terms of giving DBaby extra immunity etc. BUT, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things how long you manage to bf for - it is difficult, there can be problems like mastitis/issues with supply/baby can't latch etc, quite apart from the hassle for DM with diet and dealing with leaks etc.

For some, it really is just "plug in and feed", but for many it's not.

Formula is also not as straightforward with sterilising, boiling and cooling water, storage when travelling etc.

What I mean is that there are pros and cons to each. And primarily it is the choice of the DM, and only HER, how long bf'ing will last.

So well done for managing 2 months, that is a really good start for DBaby. A lot more than many who really want to bf have been able to manage. And it sounds like you are ready to move to another new phase in caring for your DBaby and helping her grow big, strong and healthy overall.

I'm sorry you've got such arseholes in your life. Breastfeeding just really isn't important at all compared to maternal mental health. Formula is a perfectly safe alternative. Please do not carry the guilt with you op. It's hard to let go of the idea that you've somehow failed your baby but i bet your baby is absolutely thriving.

Unfortunately lots of people, including on Mumsnet, feel entitled to push their views on "breast is best" on new mums which causes massive guilt and pressure. Fed is best.

@OmgIcantbelieveshedidit

And they wonder why women get pnd? He needs to address it not you. It’s not her call and it’s not her to desire you to do something so personal or not - I’m sorry this gets my goat!

I might write her an email to say you are under enough pressure without her making you feel guilty over how you feed your baby and it feels and is critical and not supportive

Her MIL said it to her son, not the op. She's allowed to say things to her own flipping son. Writing an email is absolutely ridiculous. How to make an issue 1,000 times bigger and more stressful than it already is.

Absolutely nobody's business except yours. Your body, your choice. Ignore her. You're doing a great job. Your baby is healthy and that's all that matters.

Thank you to everybody that took the time out of their day to reply to my thread! I am going to keep all of these comments stored in my brain! The support really means alot. I was so angry at myself in the first place for "giving up" but to hear everybody's opinion and those who were congratulating about even doing it for two months really puts my worries and regret at bay! I know it was only a passing comment but I just think it was completely insensitive and has stuck in my mind these last couple of days! I just think if my baby and I are fed and happy what does it matter to anyone else!

Lol yes his response to when I say this " if I had breasts I would be happy to breastfeed him all day long, I would be honoured to breastfeed him"

@Mamaoftwo2112

Lol yes his response to when I say this " if I had breasts I would be happy to breastfeed him all day long, I would be honoured to breastfeed him"

Christ, well he sounds like a right wanker!

And I bet you wish she would keep her beak out and unwanted opinions to herself but hey ho you can’t always get what you want. Oh and you also wish she’d raised her son to be a supportive partner so I guess we can’t all be perfect.

Maybe try that next time they judge you and see how it goes down?

@EmeraldRaine

I'm sorry you've got such arseholes in your life. Breastfeeding just really isn't important at all compared to maternal mental health. Formula is a perfectly safe alternative. Please do not carry the guilt with you op. It's hard to let go of the idea that you've somehow failed your baby but i bet your baby is absolutely thriving.

Unfortunately lots of people, including on Mumsnet, feel entitled to push their views on "breast is best" on new mums which causes massive guilt and pressure. Fed is best.

Thank you ❤️

You didn't give up, you tried, it didn't work out.
I'm over 60, I was never breast fed, never had a serious illness.
My sister was breastfed - tons of illnesses.
Sorry she made you feel bad. If she's generally a nice woman, don't dwell on it. There'll be tons of battles ahead. Save your strength for those. 😉

Fed is best.
Also. I think you need to try and change your view to 'I'm really proud that I fed my lovely baby for over two months because I felt it was important to do that especially as it wasn't easy. I'm enjoying watching my baby grow and be happy.' If your DH says anything to you again say this to him. Say it to his mum if she raises it with you too.
Two months is not giving up. Please don't be beating yourself up about this.
xx

Can you look at kids at 5 and spot the difference between the formula fed and breast fed babies? Or 15 year olds or adults? Yes there are some benefits to breastfeeding but formula is perfectly safe, nutritious and does it's job well. Happy fed baby and happy mum are what's important and infant attachment is much better with a mum that is not in pain and stressed during what in an ideal world is a relaxing bonding experience I.e feeding. Breastfeeding is fab for those that want to do it and bottle feeding is fab for those that can't or don't want to.

I salute you! I lasted 3 days, my nipples bled and baby threw up blood. I nearly threw up after him when I saw it. The midwife came and took him to clean him, gave me a chance to get cleaned up and she kept him for the night and gave him a bottle with my blessing. I hadn't even tried it with my older kids and thought this was my chance. But I was happy with my decision not to continue, as I knew my heart wasn't in it. You should be proud for sticking with it for so long.

Your dp is a complete dickhead and while he will never ever understand the trauma a womans body goes through from pregnancy and childbirth, he should at least try to educate himself and be supportive of the decisions you make regarding your body. As for mil, ignore her. Her opinion is irrelevant.

You need to work on being more assertive, they don't get to comment on decisions you've made for your body. Happy mum happy baby.
Guilt is something that follows us around as mothers and we need to stop it from haunting us.

lol yes his response to when I say this " if I had breasts I would be happy to breastfeed him all day long, I would be honoured to breastfeed him

Get him some nipple clamps and tell him to wear them for 24 hours of the day. If he complains it hurts, well sorry mate. His baby is cluster feeding. Painful nipples can be a really big part of the "honour". Fucking twat honestly.

How you haven't told the pair of them to fuck off is beyond me.

Tell your DP that now you and he are parents you need to be an united front. He can't breastfeed so his comment is ridiculous.

I hope he is doing his share of the night feeds and nappy changes.

@Mamaoftwo2112 I breast fed my 2, it doesn't give me the right to judge formula feeding.
My dgs was breast fed for 4 days and then put on a bottle.
Your mil can wish all she likes but it's not her business!

She was rude to comment - it’s absolutely nothing to do with her, it was entirely your choice.

It’s easy for other people to say what you should have done, but it’s only your feelings about it that are relevant!