Parents… am I in the wrong?

[squeak17]

Hi! I’m 24, fully employed, living with my parents.

I had a really hard time last year for various reasons. A big break up, loss of my flat, performance dwindling at work and falling into a bit of depression. To be fair it was probably a nightmare living with me as I was so down in the dumps. I remember one night I was in floods of tears and saying I didn’t want to be around, and my parents effectively laughed at me saying I have it much better than everyone else and that I just need to see what I have got.

My break up was really difficult this time last year and a few months ago I was seeing another guy who broke things off and it really hurt. As usual I told my mum all about this and ranted to her about it.

I was sick of life and wanted a change - I thought of moving to the city and finding a new job. Parents essentially laughed in my face, said I couldn’t cope with it (as I struggled at uni) and itd be the stupidest thing ever for someone so anxious and unable to cope. Final straw a few months ago was my job unfairly dismissing me. As a result I took a massive leap and decided to go abroad by myself for a month and live there. Had the absolute time of my life and came back so happy and refreshed!!

Since then I’ve got myself a new job and even found a new boyfriend - he is honestly the loveliest kindest person I’ve ever met and I can honestly say im so so happy.

This is where the problems start - I’ve now met his parents and stay round his maybe once a week. We don’t live overly close so would be handy if he could stay at mine too. I proposed the idea of him coming over one afternoon to meet my parents and my mum absolutely kicked off.
She said “I made her life hell” last year and she’s not in the mood to pick up the pieces again “when” it goes wrong. She also said in response to me simply asking if he can come and meet them - she’s not ready to meet him, I’m self absorbed, I can’t just “do what I like”, “why do you have to put it on everyone else”, and that I’m immature. I’m literally 24, an adult and can’t bring my boyfriend over to even meet them for 5 minutes. And I’m having to stay at his and it’s just unfair.
I told her I’m finally happy and she goes “oooo woopy for you”. Mum struggles with mental health herself sometimes but honestly I’m just baffled.

Am I being dramatic here? I’m completely lost, I feel like I can’t live here anymore but I’m trying to save for a deposit and really really don’t want to rent :( any insight? Thanks x

Move out to a rented place.

You need to leave

The time away abroad worked wonders for your mental health. Your family are not supportive being away from them seemed to have helped.
You need to move out really. Is a house share possible?

It's not you, OP, it's your parents. Can you afford to move out?

To be honest, I wouldn’t have my 24 year olds boyfriend staying over either.
You need to get your own place.

I can definitely afford to rent, but really was set on getting a mortgage eventually :( and where I live is pretty expensive. And I’d have to find a flat mate too, as none of my friends are in a position to move in with sadly. I just really feel like it’s probably me that’s the problem

Your parents have not helped with your mental health, I would aim to distance yourself from them.

It sounds like you have a lot of issues/drama going on which may have been very wearing for your parents. That doesn't excuse their behaviour of laughing in your face about it though, if that's what they actually did you say "essentially" and "effectively"
What happened with work? you mention dwindling performance and been unfairly dismissed, surely the two are linked?
You mention going abroad and living there but it was for a month, a holiday really and maybe one you shouldn't have opted for if it meant continuing to live with your parents?

I think in order for you to mature you need to stand on your own two feet, move out and stop leaning on your parents tmwgdjp you deal with stuff that is normal part of adult life.

Another for getting your own place (although your parents are being mean).

Although you say you are fully grown up at 24, some of your posts are quite childish (‘it’s just unfair’).

Everyone who works can afford to get their own place. Parents are under no obligation to subsidise their children while they ‘save up’. You will do a lot of growing up when you have to make the same compromises independent adults do-and it will do wonders for your self esteem.

(Having said that, not agreeing to meet your boyfriend is selfish and rude).

@Alieninmybody yeah they did, they laughed in my face and told me I have it way too good to feel that way. And I handed in my notice as I found a new job/promotion, and they unfairly dismissed me the very next day.
And it was purely just for a break, I wanted to meet new people and work out there while I had the free time as I’ll never have it again. So I don’t regret it at all :)

I lived by myself at uni for 4 years, paid my whole way by myself, yes I found it difficult at times but who doesn’t? I made it through and the only reason I’m still living at home is because I really want a mortgage

I would move out as soon as possible.

When my 24 year old was living at home she’d come home from work and I’d have to listen to her moaning about her job, that she made no effort to leave.
I’d had a day at work too, with my own stresses.
She never did a load of washing, cooked a meal, walked the dog, cleaned her room or paid me a penny towards her keep . Her clean clothes, that I washed, dried and folded, were chucked on the floor. Parcels, that I answered the door to, were strewn around her room. When she did finally open them, the contents were scattered across the floor.
I was glad when she moved out.

I think it is better if you moved out. Give it time with your parents. They may need to see some stability before getting enthused. You had a break up a few months ago and was upset and now you think your boyfriend is amazing. Hopefully he is but it is still early days.

It's difficult to judge without knowing the full story whether your parents' response is unreasonable or not. I know I have to pretend to my kids that I'm enthusiastic when they are all in a plan that experience has shown is likely to change next month. So am a bit more cautious.

I completely understand how that would be stressful @GoodnightGrandma! But I do all my own washing and ironing, cook multiple times a week, keep the house and my room tidy, pay rent and keep myself to myself generally

Understandable @Sakurami! The break up was over a year ago now and I have spent the last few months really improving in my mental health, doing things for myself, getting a new job/car etc. I am in a really good place and have been for a few months now :)

It seems that your mother’s poor MH and both parents harsh attitude with you didn’t encourage or support you sufficiently to emotionally develop a strong sense of self worth.

No one deserves to be mocked and ridiculed.

Well done to you for pushing on through with your studies and career - but as you are seeing it’s with out intimate relationships where things unravel if our parents have not done a good enough job and left us with flaws and deficiencies.

That said - maybe they couldn’t give what they didn’t have (their own robust emotional presence and availability) - so it’s down to you now to research and seek support to address any issues in yourself now so that you don’t end up repeatedly picking the wrong partner etc.

Moving out and emotionally distancing yourself from your parents by being aware of their limitations (for whatever reason) is your first step.

Your parents either cant support your mental health or dont want to (which is sad...but maybe they have reached their limit in what they can offer?)
Devils advocate- your trying to save 4 a mortgage how much do u have saved? Did u use that to supplement your time abroad? They may be thinking shes 24...she needs to be more independent she expects alot of us (in their eyes?) Wants to live here to save but jollies off abroad?

Weigh up your independence and mental health vs years ahead of living with parents to save

Realistically if you stay with them how long till you have mortgage deposit?

Spare room for flat mates

Postpone your desire for a mortgage over the need to protect your mental health.
Sacrifice some cash now to move out.
It’ll be worth it.

@GoodnightGrandma - were you not able to assert expectations, boundaries and consequences in your own home?

A plan will help.

How much do you need for a mortgage?

How much have you already saved?

How much can you afford to save each month?

So how long will it take you to save enough?

Your parents might feel better (and appreciate/respect you more) if they see you have a solid goal and a deadline.

Maybe your mum envies your independence? She sounds like a PITA, to be honest. My mum and I had hideous rows before I moved out to Uni. Menopause mood swings can turn anyone into a bitch.

Focus on the questions above. See how long it'll take you.

[quote Sssloou]@GoodnightGrandma - were you not able to assert expectations, boundaries and consequences in your own home?[/quote]
She became an adult and decided to do what she wanted . Her DF didn’t want to take money off her and she was happy to live in her bedroom like that, she even told me not to bother cleaning it !
She then became vegan so cooked for herself a lot. Then complained that she couldn’t cook when she wanted to, because I was cooking the rest of us tea, and that the pans were dirty when I’d finished.
It was definitely well past time for her to leave.

Thanks everyone. I’m just really stuck as I’ve always wanted to save money over renting - but it’s the only thing keeping me here!

@squeak17,

‘It’s the only thing keeping me here’.

Now, imagine that from your parents’ perspective. You expect them to go on offering you a home and support (I don’t know how much you contribute) and in return, you don’t even sound thankful.

That is not a great dynamic really.

The vast majority of people rent before buying. In addition, until you rent, you really have no idea of what you need and want in a home.

You just need to listen to the vast majority of comments on here and start viewing properties.

You need to move out for your sake and theirs.

My Mum and brother had a similar dynamic as he moved out at 25 and made it clear he was just using the place until he could get his own better place... Thankfully they are in a much better place now they have space from each other and he appreciates the time and effort that goes into running a home!

You have plenty of time to rent now and save to buy, albeit a bit later than planned.

I agree with the above.
Do you have a suitable plan in place? You went abroad for a month which must have cost money and have just got yourself a new car, which I also assume must cost money.
So while saying you are staying with your parents to save money (which if that's that's you tell your parents sounds very much like using them) you have been spending money on other big purchases.
How much do you have in savings?
How much deposit do you need?

Are you thinking it's going to be 1 year with them or 8?
You need a plan, it'll help everyone to know there's a deadline in sight. Because it does seem very wishy-washy at the moment with just a vague idea of getting a mortgage while simultaneously complaining about your parents and spending quite a bit of money.