Parents… am I in the wrong?

[squeak17]

Hi! I’m 24, fully employed, living with my parents.

I had a really hard time last year for various reasons. A big break up, loss of my flat, performance dwindling at work and falling into a bit of depression. To be fair it was probably a nightmare living with me as I was so down in the dumps. I remember one night I was in floods of tears and saying I didn’t want to be around, and my parents effectively laughed at me saying I have it much better than everyone else and that I just need to see what I have got.

My break up was really difficult this time last year and a few months ago I was seeing another guy who broke things off and it really hurt. As usual I told my mum all about this and ranted to her about it.

I was sick of life and wanted a change - I thought of moving to the city and finding a new job. Parents essentially laughed in my face, said I couldn’t cope with it (as I struggled at uni) and itd be the stupidest thing ever for someone so anxious and unable to cope. Final straw a few months ago was my job unfairly dismissing me. As a result I took a massive leap and decided to go abroad by myself for a month and live there. Had the absolute time of my life and came back so happy and refreshed!!

Since then I’ve got myself a new job and even found a new boyfriend - he is honestly the loveliest kindest person I’ve ever met and I can honestly say im so so happy.

This is where the problems start - I’ve now met his parents and stay round his maybe once a week. We don’t live overly close so would be handy if he could stay at mine too. I proposed the idea of him coming over one afternoon to meet my parents and my mum absolutely kicked off.
She said “I made her life hell” last year and she’s not in the mood to pick up the pieces again “when” it goes wrong. She also said in response to me simply asking if he can come and meet them - she’s not ready to meet him, I’m self absorbed, I can’t just “do what I like”, “why do you have to put it on everyone else”, and that I’m immature. I’m literally 24, an adult and can’t bring my boyfriend over to even meet them for 5 minutes. And I’m having to stay at his and it’s just unfair.
I told her I’m finally happy and she goes “oooo woopy for you”. Mum struggles with mental health herself sometimes but honestly I’m just baffled.

Am I being dramatic here? I’m completely lost, I feel like I can’t live here anymore but I’m trying to save for a deposit and really really don’t want to rent :( any insight? Thanks x

Pretty much everyone rents before they can buy. It's useful experience, being responsible for so much but not as tied financially.

It sounds like you do not have a healthy dynamic at home, and so distance would benefit you all.

I moved out at 16 into rented,returned to parents for a brief stint at 19 (it was hell) then rented on my own until I bought my first place at 27 (I'm 30 now).

Maybe they want you to move out just as much as you want to move out, and the fact you had a holiday instead of continuing to save means that you're there for even longer. It might have pissed your dm off. She shouldn't have said what she said to you, though.

You need to move our and rent like everyone else does. Then you can see him when you like and live your own life. You'll get the mortgage in the end.

If its that bad, then you need to find a place to rent. Then you can do what you want, can't you?

Don't know what you contribute to staying there, but you've recently spent a month abroad and bought a new car. So not sure how that is saving money. But it does sound a little like your parents are feeling a bit used that you're only there in order to give yourself a leg up to the housing ladder. But only when you've finsihed spending on your fun stuff. That can only work, if they are also happy with that situation!

Perhaps the comments about you being immature or just thinking about yourself are what they see. So you are the only one that can change that whether they are reasonable, being mean or not.

You say you cook multiple times a week. Do you cook for everyone in the house or just yourself? You do your laundry. Do you do anyone elses or help with any chores not related to yourself?

I’m literally 24, an adult and can’t bring my boyfriend over to even meet them for 5 minutes. And I’m having to stay at his and it’s just unfair.
Sorry but this is a sort of sentence I'd expect from a 17 year old. For a start its their house, so why is it unfair? If it was your own house, absolutely. And the I have to stay at his bit. Well no, you don't have to do that. It does sound a bit like you blame your parents for you having to stay at your boyfriends because they don't want him at theirs. when really thats down to you because you choose to live with your parents. Like you say, you are 24. Time to move out. If not for anything else, for the sake of your relationship with your parents, whoever is to blame.

You don't have the luxury of saving up for a mortgage. Most people rent before they can afford to buy.
Find a flat or a flat share and start being independent, you won't have to put up with your parents being unsupportive.

Move out and find your own way in life.
It’s time.
Don’t live in the same area as your parents, even if you could afford it. They chose to live there, you don’t have to.

You are your own person.

But from your parents perspective, based on your message you do bring a lot of issues home. That can be quite grating after a while.

Maybe, look at ways to also reduce the stress in your own life.
But standing on your own 2 feet is a must. Forgot a mortgage for now. Live your life.

Definitely find a flat share which would be the cheapest option. Your parents sound awful. Always putting you down. You need to get out. Stop discussing things with your Mother. She is just using any information as a weapon.

Congratulations on the new job and boyfriend. Onward!

I moved away at 19 to live and work abroad for 7 years.

I really needed the break from my family.

They aren't nasty like your mum sounds but they are difficult to be around and I couldn't be myself.

I honestly would move out (go for a really cheap studio) and enjoy being able to do what you want when you want on your terms.

And you're 24. At that age your meant to meet various different people and explore differing relationships. Sometimes it ends in heartbreak but how are you meant to know what sort of relationship you want and what sort of future you want if you don't experience this?

You need to move out. ASAP

Sounds like your parents are ready for you to move out now. At 24 years old a deposit should have been your priority, instead you’re pissing a hell of a lot or money up the wall. I’d look at renting a room and moving out, far cheaper than a flat so you can still save towards a deposit. I agree with pp that you come across like a young teenager rather than mid twenties

@squeak17

Thanks everyone. I’m just really stuck as I’ve always wanted to save money over renting - but it’s the only thing keeping me here!

You want an adult relationship with your parents, you need to put ot onto adult ground. Move out - look for rooms to rent or bedsits - and put some space between you.

How much did you communicate whilst you were away?

You want an adult relationship with your parents, you need to put ot onto adult ground. Move out - look for rooms to rent or bedsits - and put some space between you.

I agree with this.

You’re an adult. Your parents sound a big horrible to me, but I actually don’t think you’re being terribly reasonable expecting to live with them to save up for a deposit and also wanting things on your terms (having boyfriend over).

Yes it will be more expensive to move out but you absolutely should. Look for a room in a shared house.

You started a thread last month about online dating saying that you’d been on four dates. And you were already posting about him asking for advice

Perhaps your mum is on the right lines m

And in fact you ended the relationship

This was last month

So now back on. No wonder your mother is sceptical

For God's sake. Grow up, move out. You sound like a 13 yr old.

What is most clear is that you need to separate, emotionally and practically, from your parents.

The clearest, easiest and most honest way to do that would be to move out, but I understand the problem about saving for a mortgage.

Do you have a timescale in mind within which you'd be likely to have raised a deposit? If you knew you were looking at maybe a year or two, maybe you could stick it out. If it's indefinite, that's more problematic.

If you do stay at home, at least for a while, you need a way of consciously managing the various relationship factors involved. You need to accept that your mother is not ready to meet your bf or have him staying over - it's her house at the end of the day, which you're living in rent free, so even if her reasons are irrational it's still her call. Just enjoy your life with him outside the house. You'll need to explain to him why you can only stay together at his, not yours. If he's reasonable he should understand. You'll need to let your mother's MH issues slide off your back and not make them your own burden, be clear about your boundaries and stick to them, politely but firmly.

Hmmm. I wonder how the parents perspective would read….

Sorry if missed this but do you pay board? Are your parents still working?
To give another perspective, your mum may feel she's stuck in a job she might not like or sacrificing other things to bankroll you.
While it does seem your time abroad has been beneficial, was it actually a holiday you could only afford because of their generosity in allowing you to live for free?
From what you've written, your mum hasn't been great but do suspect there is another side to this.
Be careful with your relationship history of going in to fast and too deep with this one.
I think the best way to improve things is to move out but if you can't do that, try and be more conscious of your general attitude and making sure you are not presenting your hardships to them without any clue as to what theirs might be

Honestly it sounds like your life drama is too much for them to cope with. I don't mean that in a nasty way. You do literally feel your DC's pain and they're maybe struggling with the level of involvement they have. It's time to move on, you can't live there, for your own sanity. Find a new plan. Get a bedsit, find a flatmate or get a job somewhere cheaper,

If you want to do what you wish in your own home, get your own home. It seems to me your parents might be at the end of their tether with your drama. All of the money you spent on that holiday could have been used to move out.

Sorry but I'm on team Mum and wondering if this is a reverse.

You need to move out like yesterday. Take a room as a lodger if that's the only option available. It sounds like you're not paying rent so your DM has the perfect right not to have people she doesn't want staying over. In fact this may also be the case in a flat share.

Alternatively if you're simply not prepared to adult, then you need to accept that your DM doesn't want to meet your BF or for him to stay over - at the minute. This may change if the relationship is longer term, but right now she had said no as she is perfectly entitled to do.

You can't have it both ways, you want to be perceived as an adult and treated as an adult by your parents, but you stay in the security and safety of their home while keeping most of your money for saving. That's a very privileged position, and trust me even if you are cooking and cleaning for yourself, it's not the same as living independently.

Even if they seem unreasonable, it's their house and maybe they had hoped to have it to themselves by now. You say you live in an expensive city, but again you want the perks of living in a nice area without having to pay the market rate.

If you want to stay there while you save, you will have to accept their house rules, no matter how unfair they seem to you. When you have your own place, you can enforce your own rules as you please.

Sorry if I didn’t make it clear, I do pay a fair amount of rent a month 🙂 thanks for all your insights, interesting to read other perspectives - appreciate them all!

I have got to say that this post at only 2 pages long is littered with inconsistencies between your behaviour and how you perceive yourself and your decisions.

The idea that you are planning and controlling events in your life is a construct that bears little relation to the reality you have put your parents through in 12 months. You have been unable to financially, professionally and emotionally cope with 2 breakups in 12 months. But decided to look for another boyfriend anyway and got one. Your parents are entitled to think and to say they are watching another car crash in slow motion.

That you have a plan to buy a property is undermined by a year in which you lost a home, left a job, took an extended vacation and bought a car. And remember you told your parents you were off to the big city to live a few months ago when you didn’t have a job. How you don’t see that was risible is fairly astounding.

You are an adult but you are young and whilst entitled to autonomy you are making daft decisions. You parents are older, wiser and worn down by emotional consequences of your decisions. They have had enough of a thankless and unending ask from you.

It’s time for you to be independent. You need to start thinking through consequences of actions and decisions. You need to deal with the fallout from bad decisions without the parental safety net or just stop making them.

OP my 25 year old DD came to stay with me last year during the lockdowns. She was isolated in the country she was living with so wanted to come back.

Honestly I love the bones of her but by the time she went back I was relieved.

She felt she was at rockbottom in her life and looking back she was very down despite still having a job she loved, still having her apartment in another country and still having a small wage coming in.

I really struggled to find sympathy for her as I was going through a divorce, had two small kids to home school, trying to set up a business which is regulated, dealing with the financial impact of my divorce and my own mental health AND on crutches due to a severe ligament injury.

I do remember telling her that she was in a much better position than many many other people - even our own family. Looking back now I am in a better pace I should have tried to sympathise more but I was running very low on empathy for other people when I was struggling so much myself.

Its time you moved out - regardless if you dont have money to buy a house. Your not entitled to use your parents house till you get a house deposit. It sounds as though every one is fed up with each other.

And I wouldn't want new boyfriends staying over too.