Parents… am I in the wrong?

[squeak17]

Hi! I’m 24, fully employed, living with my parents.

I had a really hard time last year for various reasons. A big break up, loss of my flat, performance dwindling at work and falling into a bit of depression. To be fair it was probably a nightmare living with me as I was so down in the dumps. I remember one night I was in floods of tears and saying I didn’t want to be around, and my parents effectively laughed at me saying I have it much better than everyone else and that I just need to see what I have got.

My break up was really difficult this time last year and a few months ago I was seeing another guy who broke things off and it really hurt. As usual I told my mum all about this and ranted to her about it.

I was sick of life and wanted a change - I thought of moving to the city and finding a new job. Parents essentially laughed in my face, said I couldn’t cope with it (as I struggled at uni) and itd be the stupidest thing ever for someone so anxious and unable to cope. Final straw a few months ago was my job unfairly dismissing me. As a result I took a massive leap and decided to go abroad by myself for a month and live there. Had the absolute time of my life and came back so happy and refreshed!!

Since then I’ve got myself a new job and even found a new boyfriend - he is honestly the loveliest kindest person I’ve ever met and I can honestly say im so so happy.

This is where the problems start - I’ve now met his parents and stay round his maybe once a week. We don’t live overly close so would be handy if he could stay at mine too. I proposed the idea of him coming over one afternoon to meet my parents and my mum absolutely kicked off.
She said “I made her life hell” last year and she’s not in the mood to pick up the pieces again “when” it goes wrong. She also said in response to me simply asking if he can come and meet them - she’s not ready to meet him, I’m self absorbed, I can’t just “do what I like”, “why do you have to put it on everyone else”, and that I’m immature. I’m literally 24, an adult and can’t bring my boyfriend over to even meet them for 5 minutes. And I’m having to stay at his and it’s just unfair.
I told her I’m finally happy and she goes “oooo woopy for you”. Mum struggles with mental health herself sometimes but honestly I’m just baffled.

Am I being dramatic here? I’m completely lost, I feel like I can’t live here anymore but I’m trying to save for a deposit and really really don’t want to rent :( any insight? Thanks x

I’m confused… if you pay a fair amount of rent now and are saving for a mortgage, why would you not be able to save the same amount if you rented elsewhere in a shared house?

Tbh it's hard to disentangle the exact balance of the relationship between you and your parents from your posts. But it is really, really clear that it's time for you to move out and live independently.

Find a room in a house share.

Yes, it'll slow down your saving, but you need to look after your mental health first.

Plus it might be fun.

And if you found a house share centrally, you could maybe give up your car and save money that way.

Agreed about the house share. You’re already paying rent anyway to your parents. Sounds like your mum really struggled with supporting you when she has her own mental health problems and this is making her less than sympathetic - especially if this is your third relationship in a matter of months. She isn’t behaving well but I can see why she’s stressed out.

You are 24, you have the ability to do uni and travel and get new jobs - which proves you can manage your life when you remain focused. Stop being so into the idea of a mortgage that you stay in a situation that isn’t working for you or it appears your parents.

Also it might be nice to find other support if you can if your mums mental health is not good. Last year was very tough on everyone and you sound like you went fairly fast from one breakup to another new relationship and then ranted to her about the new guy (ranted being your term). You must be able to see surely why that was hard for her when she was dealing with her own MH and lockdowns?

Sorry to say but the way you talk about your mum in particular is very teenagery still. You don’t seem to have any empathy or understanding of why she’s stressed and upset.

The way you portray your mother does make her sound unsupportive; on the other hand you sound somewhat volatile and your life is hardly stable. You mention two painful break ups within a year and then suddenly a lovely boyfriend whom you just can't have had much time to get to know. A year might feel like a long time to you, but to someone of your mother's age it will be no time at all. She'll see a series of broken relationships, possibly thinking you rush in to them with your eyes closed.

Then you say you are saving for a mortgage but list a number of ways in which you have spent quite large sums recently. She might have views on that too.

Basically you are using your parents for financial gain. Many young people are probably in a similar situation but the onus is on them (you) to make it work, not the parents. Technically they are no longer responsible for you and are not obliged to keep letting you live with them. Why, for example, should they want to have a strange man staying over, knowing that he probably won't stay in your life for long given past experiences?

I do have sympathy for you, but I think you need to consider your parents' perspective more. My children are a few years younger than you and still live at home, and I fully expect them to want to continue to do so for some years to come. And I myself lived at home for several months aged 23/24 when I was unable to find a post in the area I had trained for. But that was because I didn't know where I would be based when I did get a job, so I waited to get one before then renting in the area where it was (and took a temporary job locally to my parents whilst applying).

I think your situation is less tenable for your parents, with no clear 'exit' point. And frankly, they sound rather fed up with you.

@squeak17

Hi! I’m 24, fully employed, living with my parents.

I had a really hard time last year for various reasons. A big break up, loss of my flat, performance dwindling at work and falling into a bit of depression. To be fair it was probably a nightmare living with me as I was so down in the dumps. I remember one night I was in floods of tears and saying I didn’t want to be around, and my parents effectively laughed at me saying I have it much better than everyone else and that I just need to see what I have got.

My break up was really difficult this time last year and a few months ago I was seeing another guy who broke things off and it really hurt. As usual I told my mum all about this and ranted to her about it.

I was sick of life and wanted a change - I thought of moving to the city and finding a new job. Parents essentially laughed in my face, said I couldn’t cope with it (as I struggled at uni) and itd be the stupidest thing ever for someone so anxious and unable to cope. Final straw a few months ago was my job unfairly dismissing me. As a result I took a massive leap and decided to go abroad by myself for a month and live there. Had the absolute time of my life and came back so happy and refreshed!!

Since then I’ve got myself a new job and even found a new boyfriend - he is honestly the loveliest kindest person I’ve ever met and I can honestly say im so so happy.

This is where the problems start - I’ve now met his parents and stay round his maybe once a week. We don’t live overly close so would be handy if he could stay at mine too. I proposed the idea of him coming over one afternoon to meet my parents and my mum absolutely kicked off.
She said “I made her life hell” last year and she’s not in the mood to pick up the pieces again “when” it goes wrong. She also said in response to me simply asking if he can come and meet them - she’s not ready to meet him, I’m self absorbed, I can’t just “do what I like”, “why do you have to put it on everyone else”, and that I’m immature. I’m literally 24, an adult and can’t bring my boyfriend over to even meet them for 5 minutes. And I’m having to stay at his and it’s just unfair.
I told her I’m finally happy and she goes “oooo woopy for you”. Mum struggles with mental health herself sometimes but honestly I’m just baffled.

Am I being dramatic here? I’m completely lost, I feel like I can’t live here anymore but I’m trying to save for a deposit and really really don’t want to rent :( any insight? Thanks x

OP the normal reaction is 'he sounds lovely DD, I'm really pleased you met someone nice. Tell us all about him! Next Sunday's great, has he got any food allergies?'

It sounds like things have gotten dysfunctional with you living at home, regardless of the reasons, it sounds like living in your apartment is 100% the way forward as it's gotten toxic.

@squeak17

It's true that you are an adult, but I've yet to see anything you've written that tells me you're mature.

I totally get that you've had a few crappy breaks with boyfriends and jobs, but they're the same kind of 'crappy breaks' that MN is full of, from people who have added responsibilities like children, and the advice given to them is the same advice you're receiving here i.e take control of your own life and live independently.

It's not your parents responsibility to support you while you save for a deposit ffs ! That's your responsibility, because you're an adult.
(It doesn't matter whether you pay them rent and clean up after yourself, you're still acting as if they owe it to you to house you so you can save money )

Get yourself a flat you can afford, and keep saving. You'll get your own place with a mortgage eventually.

stop thinking they should somehow still live their lives according to your needs and desires, and start thinking of them as individuals who also deserve to live in their house how they want.

They've done their 'job' bringing you up and teaching you how to be an independent, functioning adult, so now go and BE an adult.

A house-share would allow you to save money and hopefully save your relationship with your parents.

Your parents are telling you that they don't want friends in their home

Even though you are paying rent to your parents. That is your hint to move out

Cheapest is to rent a room in a house share
Ensure that you are allowed people over to stay occasionally
You will have your freedom

Want to save ? Get a second, third job or a better paid job

It takes time & effort to save up for a deposit

Move to a cheaper area

I’m with your parents here. Time to grow up

Your life sounds like an emotional rollercoaster. And I'm not surprised your parents aren't in a rush to welcome another boyfriend into the fold.

It's definitely time to move out. Then you can spend time getting to know someone without taking the next step of introducing him to all your family etc, when you don't know you'll even be together more than 5 minutes.

My DD has mental health issues and it's been extremely challenging supporting her. She needs so much support emotionally and it's very difficult. I've lost count of the number of times I've had to leave work to collect her from school - pretty much weekly, hurling myself into taxis and rushing over to meet again with the head teacher or school counsellor.

She's nearly 19 but just about to start her final year of A levels after repeating a couple of years due to her mental health.

She's put me through so much in the last few years that I've had to emotionally distance myself to protect myself. I still love and support her but part of me inside has died.

Once she turned 18 I did let her boyfriend stay - now I'm cooking and cleaning for two of them. However, he now provides her all of the emotional support (along with a psychiatrist, psychologist and a lot of anti-psychotics) which has taken the emotional burden away from me at least.

There were times in her journey where she accused me of being unempathetic but I was barely coping. After however many times I had to take her to A&E to get stitched up or her stomach pumped I just had to go through the motions.

Now I've learned some techniques to make her feel listened to and I think I'm doing ok.

It sounds like your parents did have to support you a lot through uni and that it might have been challenging for them. Are you sure they are mocking you or is that how you feel? My DD can interpret even the most subtle change in tone as an attack and I work very hard to be neutral with her. I absolutely can't make a joke for example, she'll call it bullying. If they are laughing in your face, particularly given your mental health issues then that is very unkind.

Do you have access to a psychologist to talk some of this stuff through with?

What really stands out for me is this idea that you are entitled to stay at home so you can save for a deposit. I don't live in the UK any more and I'm mid forties but surely not everyone lives at home until they can buy?!? You move out and rent and save up. If you can't buy in that area you move to where you can. That's just how grown up life works.