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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't control my son

72 replies

AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 03/09/2021 10:39

I've NC. I am at my wits end. He is uncontrollable and I don't know where else to turn.
He is 13, drinking, won't come home when asked. Just leaves the house regardless. Can't get him MH or alcohol support without his consent. Refuses to go to school. I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 03/09/2021 12:31

Can anyone help at all? I'm so worried.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 03/09/2021 12:32

What do social services say?

WhoppingBigBackside · 03/09/2021 13:05

What a terrible situation for you OP. I'm afraid I can't think of any advice. Is there anyone in the education system who could help?
You might get more response in Parenting. Hugs.

couchparsnip · 03/09/2021 13:21

How good is the school pastoral care? I would be going there in the first instance. They should know what agencies to contact to help you and will give you support.

danni0509 · 03/09/2021 13:32

@AlwaysTimeForTea1 a family member has had this trouble with one of her dc. Im so sorry. It was hell for all involved.

In this case, the child was 14, taking drugs too, kicked out of 3 schools, arrested (most weeks!) etc etc.

In the end they ended up on a child in need plan, the family were supported by social services, mum did some courses to learn strategies for said behaviours, the dc went on some kind of addiction programme, strict rules in place. Locks on doors to stop them escaping. They tried loads but that’s off the top of my head. I’d have to ask the rest..

Have you raised all of this with school? What’s he like at school?

Flowers
danni0509 · 03/09/2021 13:34

Sorry just read your post properly, he refuses to go to school.

What have school suggested, are they of any use?

Original poster
AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 03/09/2021 14:08

Social services are involved on child in need level. They say their mental health referral has been rejected because he didn't consent on his parents did. School have tried to put in their own referral as well as the GP but it seems unless he consents they can't do anything further. The local adolescent substance misuse service won't accept a referral without his consent either. Locked doors and windows have been tried he just breaks out. No concerns with the parenting, the younger children have no concerns surrounding them. Complaint has been put in to children's service by parents due to lack of support. They are saying there is nothing they can do. He's been bought back by police several times and spoken to by missing persons officers. He refuses to speak to any professional. Has refused pastoral support from school and refuses to even attend school so they can try and work with him. It feels like we are expected to sit back and watch his life unfold on a slippery slope. And also concerned younger children will start to copy the behaviours and he has been unsafe with them in the past. Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:
altmember · 03/09/2021 14:22

Play him at his own game - kick him out (when he goes out don't let him back in again for a couple of days/until he comes back and apologises). Lose interest and make him think you don't give a shit what he does. Or get a cage to keep him in.

HotPenguin · 03/09/2021 14:27

Does he have a mobile phone, internet access? Can you restrict access to these to stop him communicating with whoever he is with. Do you actually know who he is with? Can you track him via his phone?

HollowTalk · 03/09/2021 14:28

@altmember

Play him at his own game - kick him out (when he goes out don't let him back in again for a couple of days/until he comes back and apologises). Lose interest and make him think you don't give a shit what he does. Or get a cage to keep him in.
What the fuck?
HollowTalk · 03/09/2021 14:29

Who is he mixing with, OP?

Theunamedcat · 03/09/2021 14:37

Tell the social worker you cannot cope and you want to put him into care see how fast they become supportive

hiredandsqueak · 03/09/2021 15:10

I think you have to ask social care to take him into care to get any support from them to keep him at home. They will leave you to it for as long as they are able to. Tell them you can no longer cope and they need to find a placement for him and then they will do whatever they can by putting in support for you to keep him at home. I know a friend was in a similar position and it was the only way she could get help. Daughter later went to foster care but at least they tried to support the family beforehand. She's now a responsible adult with a decent job and a good relationship with her mum.

danni0509 · 03/09/2021 15:29

Family member who I mentioned earlier, phoned the police after one incident and when they came out, the dc chucked a chair in front of the police, it hit family member hurting her arm, when she went mad shouting in front of the police it was her they said if she didn’t calm down they would arrest Confused

Every single time she phoned the police (14yr old being really violent against all family members in household, smashing windows etc) the police did fuck all just recorded the incidents with social services and left.

It’s brutal for families! So I feel for you x

Does your son have any diagnosed (or undiagnosed) additional needs?

Original poster
AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 03/09/2021 19:20

@altmember

Play him at his own game - kick him out (when he goes out don't let him back in again for a couple of days/until he comes back and apologises). Lose interest and make him think you don't give a shit what he does. Or get a cage to keep him in.
Are you for real? He's 13 years old!
OP posts:
Kanaloa · 03/09/2021 19:23

@altmember

Play him at his own game - kick him out (when he goes out don't let him back in again for a couple of days/until he comes back and apologises). Lose interest and make him think you don't give a shit what he does. Or get a cage to keep him in.
He’s 13, what kind of stupid advice is this?

Is there anything that is influencing him op? Perhaps a group of/certain friends, that’s what I’d be worried about. It’s very difficult. I would get back to social services and emphasise that your child is in danger and you can’t protect him, and I would keep on and on at them for proper support. Hope things get easier soon, this is an awful situation.

Kanaloa · 03/09/2021 19:24

Also, how does he have money to access alcohol? I would make sure he has no access to money or valuables when possible.

Original poster
AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 03/09/2021 19:27

He has a mobile phone with data. It makes no odds if you take it away. The way I see it at the moment at least he's contactable (if he chooses to answer me). Otherwise he's just out without a way of contacting him. This week he's stolen money from a family member, a large sum as well which is causing great concern.
Realistically what will they do if his parents ask to have him taken into care? Is that how children end up in homes with behavioural difficulties because their parents can't cope any more? Or will they actually do something, and if they do do something, what can they do any differently to his parents to get him to behave?
He's possibly got some undiagnosed adhd, however, school want to support but because he's not there I'm not sure what they can do currently. Also he's not been displaying these behaviours at school on the odd times he has gone which makes everyone wonder what's up. I suspect there is undiagnosed mental health but he won't get close enough to anyone to help.

OP posts:
Ibizan · 03/09/2021 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 03/09/2021 19:32

He refuses to say what his friends names are. When he's been seen with them they are kids of his age. When the police caught them out escaped in the middle of the night, the other kids parents didn't even know they'd escaped. How do we get him to say who he hangs around with when he refuses to say? One of my first concerns was that someone older must be influencing him. Can't get access to his phone he won't allow it. If anyone has any advice though I'd appreciate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 03/09/2021 19:33

He's also been steeling alcohol. We can't have it in the house, and he takes it from family members houses if he visits. Any means of getting it he is doing so.

OP posts:
Sadless · 03/09/2021 19:43

Tell the social services to take him it's not going to get any better any time soon and he needs help now. He knows you have no control of what he does and that won't help him or stop him doing what he wants.
You can't lock him in thats classed as imprisonment I was told then told by a policeman that if I locked my doors at night and remove keys that's.

Sal

cansu · 03/09/2021 19:50

Yu can pretty much guarantee he is hanging around with older teenagers. I think you have to step in early to deal with this and it sounds like it has gone too far. Is there any option for moving away to a new area? He probably needs a fresh start away from these peers. I am interested that he won't 'allow' you access to his phone. I would be very concerned about drugs and gangs. Vigilance around their phones is a bad sign.

cansu · 03/09/2021 19:53

Personally, (and I know this isn't easy) I would confiscate the phone and try to access the messages. If he is involved with a gang then you need help from social services and the police as extricating him will be difficult.

Cocopogo · 03/09/2021 20:02

Are you able to restrain him?
I would be doing this if I had to to get him to school if he complies when there which it sounds like he does. I’d also do it if I had to to keep him home, safe, to take his phone to check he’s safe etc.
I would also be considering moving from the area and having a fresh start or putting them in care as they seem better behaved at school so would probably be better with foster carers.