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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't control my son

72 replies

AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 03/09/2021 10:39

I've NC. I am at my wits end. He is uncontrollable and I don't know where else to turn.
He is 13, drinking, won't come home when asked. Just leaves the house regardless. Can't get him MH or alcohol support without his consent. Refuses to go to school. I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
heyday · 04/09/2021 10:54

I have known several parents to go through this nightmare with their children...it really is tough! Obviously, I know nothing of your family circumstances other than the little you have disclosed here but your stepson may really be struggling with family dynamics. If i understand correctly, his father has started a new relationship and now has younger children. This must be really hard for the lad especially if he does have underlying mental health problems. Could his father (even though he is probably seen as the enemy) try to engage a lot more with him on a one to one, father-son basis doing fun stuff...eg camping, fishing, go karting? Not as a reward but as a way of trying to bond with him again in a positive way. When young people start acting this way then every day can be a struggle, a battle and a negative experience so it would be good to try and find some way of bringing in positivity and communication again even if its only for a short while...even that short time can give a foundation on which to grow and talk.

Original poster
AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 04/09/2021 11:55

No all the kids are his with his ex partner so it's not possible to take him away on his own for a week or 2. His dad has tried hard to engage with him 121 when the others are in bed but he is not always interested in doing this. His behaviour has been like this for many years, before I even came around so it's not a new thing, it's just escalating now.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 04/09/2021 11:56

He also does encourage him to go out with him while the others are at home with me but he doesn't always want to do that either.

OP posts:
Motnight · 04/09/2021 12:03

Has the theft of the money been reported to the police? If not might that be a way to get some support for your son?

Motnight · 04/09/2021 12:04

Apologies Op just seen you have explained re the theft.

Beautifulbutterfly22 · 04/09/2021 15:10

What a nightmare for you op SadFlowers. Hope someone here can help you and give you good advice xx I am going through problems with my own son who is much older than yours Sad it's heart breaking Sad

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/09/2021 15:37

Op is your step sons mum in the picture? Or do you and his dad have 100 % residency?

I'm wondering why your partner can't take him away for a week (or even a weekend) and the other kids be at their mums, or with you if they live with you full time?

wizzywig · 04/09/2021 15:44

I wonder if there's any gang issue going on?

Aliceclara · 04/09/2021 15:56

This is time to toughen up and get real. He's a child and you are in charge. It isn't acceptable behaviour. Take his phone. Cut off any money. Ground him and keep him away from his 'friends' who are obviously a bad influence. This is your chance to stop your child going off the rails. As parents, this is what we signed up for. SS, school, none of them have responsibility for your child. You do. Why has this happened? How has it got to this point? What behaviour have you put up with along the way because to challenge it is hard work? I have two sons and at times I've had to be tough. Sometimes you have to turn your heart to stone to do what is best for them. You should be a parent first, not a friend.

thoughtso · 04/09/2021 16:05

If his father can't help him, what about his mother?
The only thing I can think of is for him to go into care fir a short time, surely then he would get the medical help/mental health help he needs?

Skatastic · 04/09/2021 20:24

Have you got a Multi Systemic Therapy team where you are? I would push for a referral to them, they are really good and can support children out of the home with a view to reintegration after a few weeks.

I really feel for you, OP.

Skatastic · 04/09/2021 20:27

Also your local social care might have a risk and vulnerabilities team who work with young person at risk of grooming / child criminal exploitation.

JudgeRindersMinder · 04/09/2021 20:36

How old was he when his parents split up? Are his parents in an amicable situation?
I don’t have any amazing advice, but trying to understand where his behaviour has come from…and absolutely no judgement on my part

2reefsin30knots · 04/09/2021 20:52

I genuinely think it might be better to go down an educational route for this. He has Social, Emotional and Mental Health difficulties- which is a special need. It is causing him to be unable to access education.

His dad (or the school if they are willing) can apply for an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP) and it's possible SS will get involved via this (under 'care'). He may well be able to get a specialist educational placement where they will have dealt with all of these behaviours before and will be able to support him and you.

His dad can phone the SENCo at the school to discuss this. However, if the school are reticent, he can apply himself.

HugeAckmansWife · 04/09/2021 23:35

Aliceclara have you actually read the OPs posts? He breaks out if the house if locked in. It's gone way beyond grounding and stopping pocket money. This is not just normal teenage arsehole stuff and the op and the boy's dad are doing all they can. Maybe you could pop round and sort him out for them?

tintin13 · 05/09/2021 07:18

Hi OP,
I think your approach is wrong..even the title here.."control" is the worst thing you can do in this case.
What I would do is try and play his game.. be the "understanding mom" so you can find out more anout his friends. Go and talk to him and tell him that if he doesn't want to go to school anymore you support him, that if there is something else he needs you are there for him.. The fact that you try to control him but he does what he wants anyway is feeding him..he probably laughs with his friends so stop that and it'll confuse him.
This is a rebellion phase that started way too early but I think it can be reversed.

Good luck🙏

CoastalSwimmer · 05/09/2021 07:26

Has he been assessed for PDA or ADHD? It sounds like he could be finding life extremely challenging.

If you get a chance to go on an NVR course there are some extremely useful techniques for living with such difficult behaviour.

Original poster
AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 05/09/2021 08:20

@Aliceclara

This is time to toughen up and get real. He's a child and you are in charge. It isn't acceptable behaviour. Take his phone. Cut off any money. Ground him and keep him away from his 'friends' who are obviously a bad influence. This is your chance to stop your child going off the rails. As parents, this is what we signed up for. SS, school, none of them have responsibility for your child. You do. Why has this happened? How has it got to this point? What behaviour have you put up with along the way because to challenge it is hard work? I have two sons and at times I've had to be tough. Sometimes you have to turn your heart to stone to do what is best for them. You should be a parent first, not a friend.
With all due respect it's not as simple as that! Oh how we wish it was. Everything has been tried and he will not do anything he doesn't want to do.
OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 05/09/2021 08:27

Without saying too much his mother is no use and more than likely has impacted on his mental well-being. She is mentally unstable herself and cannot manage the children. Unfortunately when in her care he is still exposed to this and gets well informed about things he shouldn't be aware of. This has been raised with SC but they have deemed no risk currently. The split has not been amicable at all not through lack of trying.

The school have mentioned assessments so I will get my DP to find out from the school what is going on with this and talk to them about EHCP. To be fair to the school they have been supportive as they can, and have agreed SS are not being much help.

One of the things SS say is that because it's child in need then they can't have access to some things like they can under early help. If that's the case I don't see how this is helpful to any children they oversee, it seems a flawed system.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 05/09/2021 08:28

@tintin13

Hi OP, I think your approach is wrong..even the title here.."control" is the worst thing you can do in this case. What I would do is try and play his game.. be the "understanding mom" so you can find out more anout his friends. Go and talk to him and tell him that if he doesn't want to go to school anymore you support him, that if there is something else he needs you are there for him.. The fact that you try to control him but he does what he wants anyway is feeding him..he probably laughs with his friends so stop that and it'll confuse him. This is a rebellion phase that started way too early but I think it can be reversed.

Good luck🙏

I see what you are saying. Can you advise how this would work in practice? It's not safe for him to be left to his own devices whilst we are both out at work. He's set fires inside the home previously, he messes about with things that aren't safe so I'm not sure how we could actually do that.
OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 05/09/2021 08:31

@JudgeRindersMinder

How old was he when his parents split up? Are his parents in an amicable situation? I don’t have any amazing advice, but trying to understand where his behaviour has come from…and absolutely no judgement on my part
This has been in the last 3 years but he behaved like this even in primary school from what I've been told. ADHD traits were mentioned by school many years ago but were never followed up on, I don't know for what reason. The school have agreed there is something not right and it needs looking into.
OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysTimeForTea1 · 08/09/2021 13:49

@Skatastic

Have you got a Multi Systemic Therapy team where you are? I would push for a referral to them, they are really good and can support children out of the home with a view to reintegration after a few weeks.

I really feel for you, OP.

Thank you for this suggestion. I have looked into this today and at first it appeared there is one in our area, however, I called them and they are not currently operating in our area. I was hopeful this could be another route in. He's refusing to go back to school since it's resumed for the new term. Have made missing persons of the concerns around potentially being drawn into things he shouldn't.
OP posts:
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