What would you make of this...

[FruityPastille]

Name changed for this as it could be outing if spotted..

So, the other day, after a lovely afternoon getting my hair done after four months of regrowth and not being able to afford it, I was at home prepping dinner.
My DP and I live together (8 years), no kids.
He got all funny, not sure even now how it started, where it came from, but it caught me totally by surprise. First he accused me of clcking off a webpage when he walked in the room, I had just clicked play on a Netflix series I was watching and the screen changed, as it does. Nothing to hide, no reason to be concerned. But it pissed him off. Started talking about how I never get any mail to the house (I genuinely don't), I must get it sent to my mums (I definitely don't). Anyway, we muttered away for a while about this and that. He told me what he didn't like about me so I told him what I didn't like about him. Namely that he used to talk to/test/meet up with exes behind my back, lied about it, covered it up. This hasn't happened for years but he really wound me up. Came off the back of him telling me an ex had asked to meet for a coffee, I had no issues and said yes go, he was upfront about it and it doesn't bother me anymore. I think the lack of jealousy annoyed him.
Anyway, he then started asking about if I was sexually satisfied. I don't have a high sex-drive, never have, and assumed that's what he meant. He said no, I mean, do you want to explore things, are there women you like chatting to, someone once told him all women are bi-curious, and that if I wanted to explore things/myself, I could, it wouldn't have to be the end of us.
Well, that really wound me up.
I'm 36, quite happy in myself and realtively content, if not a bit miffed at being the bread winner in the relationship, but that's how it is at the moment. I told him no, quite happy being straight, no interest in 'exploring'. I found the whole situation very odd.
About 10 minutes later he slipped in to the conversation that this ex he was going to meet (she cancelled in the end) was bi-sexual. No idea how that made it into the conversation. So then my mind was whirring thinking was he trying to introduce something? It has been playing on my mind since it happened a few days ago. We've not been intimate since and to be honest I've found it hard to even hug him. It all feels very different now.

Arguments always seem to kick off when I've been away from the home for a few hours. At work, at the supermarket, hairdressers, my mums..

What would you all think?

Sounds like he wants a threesome with you and the ex.

Yes, that was my first thought. But he knows me. He knows what I'm like (I'd describe myself as Vanilla!), he knows I've no confidence. So is it just that he wants to shag his ex, but by involving me it wouldn't be cheating?

I think I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him

It does sound dodgy doesn't it..

That would be the end for me. My ex husband started behaving like this then it just got worse and worse. I'm glad he's gone now.

Well he's up to something, and it's not something you're going to like OP.

I'd think he was a dick and end it.

He is projecting. This is textbook projection.

Apart from the threesome aspect, I don't like the fact that he starts on you if you've been out of the house for a few hours. Like he doesn't like you being out of his sight.

@GreyCarpet

I'd think he was a dick and end it.

I’d think exactly this too.

Hmm.. I'm glad my alarm bells weren't sounding incorrectly!

So, what do Ido? Do I bring it up again and ask what it was about? If I do, he'll say it must mean I want to 'explore' myself or whatever if I've been thinking about it all this time. He'll turn it around to be my issue.

@floppybit yes it's always been like that. My family live 3 hours away so it's a full day to go and see them, and when I get back he's always super quiet and tetchy. I'm in the office today and I know he'll be off when I get home. It's frustrating but something I've grown used to. I know it's wrong..

I was very vulnerable when we first met and I think made a lot of errors of judgement. 8 years down the line though I feel a little stuck in a rut with it all

Tell him no, despite all the porn he obviously watches, not all women are bi-curious. Then I'd tell him to fuck off.

It's unlikely that you'll get any kind of response that will make this all OK and it's unlikely he'll listen to you if you try talking to him.

I'd just tell him you're no longer happy in the relationship and want to end it.

What do you do?

To be frank, you end the relationship. He’s clearly a complete twat who is always going to be a complete twat.

There’s no point trying to have a rational discussion with him about it as you won’t get anywhere.

Meeting with exes behind your back and lying about it to “test” you and sabotaging any nice time you have to yourself, why would you want to be with someone who is clearly such a complete knob?

You end the relationship. It really is that simple. He is controlling.. you were vulnerable when you got together, you missed the red flags.

Sort out the financial stuff and leave/make him leave.

Sounds like a controlling prick who also wants to pressurise you into threesomes.

The controlling prick-ness is more important than the threesomes part. You need to wake up to that bit more.

You are allowed to be out of the house for a few hours without it kicking off.

I would try an experiment, next time you come home after being out before saying anything else say "right let's get it over with I have been out so you are going to kick off about something so let's get it out of the way and then try and have a nice evening"

Just to let him know you have noticed.

And every time after if he starts kicking off after you have been out just say "is this because I was out?"

And ramp it up each and every time, "honestly I don't know how much longer I can live with someone who makes coming home after the hairdressers such an ordeal"

Or you know, she could cut her losses instead.

OP, you're the breadwinner, you feel stuck, your self-esteem has taken a battering, you live with a guy who is controlling and negative and sniffs around other women.

What precisely is he bringing to your life that you couldn't do without?

someone once told him all women are bi-curious,

No. They aren't. This has never entered my head in 45 years.

Is this the life you wanted for yourself? Did you aspire to financially support someone who treated you badly?

What was your experience of adult relationships when you were growing up? Did it seem normal to live with someone who wasn't nice to you?

How have you stood eight years with someone who behaves this way?

It sounds as though he wants a threesome.

But, that's the least of your worries. The primary issue is that he's controlling and abusive.

Do you really want this for the rest of your life?

Ok, so the bigger picture:

It's his house, outright, no mortgage. He often comments on how cheap it is for me to live there as he charges no rent. However, I pay all of the outgoings (including his mobile phone bill, car tax, insurance, as well as all of my own personal expenses). I also buy all of the food, and anything else 'we' might see if we go out. I am aware this is a situation I've gotten myself into, I should have put my foot down but he made me feel like he was doing me such a favour. I have covered everything for 6 years, at least.
When I (we) have overspent, I have taken out loans. Short term, but they nevertheless impact on what money is left. So, once all is paid bills/loan wise (I have kept the loans from him), I am left with around £100 each month 'left over'. If I visit my family this is taken up by fuel.

Yes, I should just walk away. The trouble is, until I can get myself on an even keel finance wise, clear my debts, I don't see how I can.

I also feel (though, this is far less now than it used to be) responsible for him. He hasn't earned over £2000 pa for the last 4 years. He is currently focusing on another career which cold take years to pay off. I have tried to support this but after the whole conversation earlier this week, I am really finding it hard..

Growing up my mum was in a relationship (it ended after 23 years) with a verbally and emotionally abusive man. So, yes, my childhood teaching wasn't great, but I'm a grown up now and I don't want to blame my own mistakes on my mum/childhood.

I would love him to cheat/walk away. That's not a good sign is it..!

You need to see your bank at the very least to get some financial advice.

You'll never get out from under financially while you stay there - and think about it, the money/housing situation must be a rationalisation if you're wishing he'd cheat or end it for you. Follow that line of thought - what would you do if he kicked you out? Would family help? Would you sofa-surf? Would you find a room in a shared house? What?

Now go do that.