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Original poster

What would you make of this...

76 replies

FruityPastille · 03/09/2021 10:23

Name changed for this as it could be outing if spotted..

So, the other day, after a lovely afternoon getting my hair done after four months of regrowth and not being able to afford it, I was at home prepping dinner.
My DP and I live together (8 years), no kids.
He got all funny, not sure even now how it started, where it came from, but it caught me totally by surprise. First he accused me of clcking off a webpage when he walked in the room, I had just clicked play on a Netflix series I was watching and the screen changed, as it does. Nothing to hide, no reason to be concerned. But it pissed him off. Started talking about how I never get any mail to the house (I genuinely don't), I must get it sent to my mums (I definitely don't). Anyway, we muttered away for a while about this and that. He told me what he didn't like about me so I told him what I didn't like about him. Namely that he used to talk to/test/meet up with exes behind my back, lied about it, covered it up. This hasn't happened for years but he really wound me up. Came off the back of him telling me an ex had asked to meet for a coffee, I had no issues and said yes go, he was upfront about it and it doesn't bother me anymore. I think the lack of jealousy annoyed him.
Anyway, he then started asking about if I was sexually satisfied. I don't have a high sex-drive, never have, and assumed that's what he meant. He said no, I mean, do you want to explore things, are there women you like chatting to, someone once told him all women are bi-curious, and that if I wanted to explore things/myself, I could, it wouldn't have to be the end of us.
Well, that really wound me up.
I'm 36, quite happy in myself and realtively content, if not a bit miffed at being the bread winner in the relationship, but that's how it is at the moment. I told him no, quite happy being straight, no interest in 'exploring'. I found the whole situation very odd.
About 10 minutes later he slipped in to the conversation that this ex he was going to meet (she cancelled in the end) was bi-sexual. No idea how that made it into the conversation. So then my mind was whirring thinking was he trying to introduce something? It has been playing on my mind since it happened a few days ago. We've not been intimate since and to be honest I've found it hard to even hug him. It all feels very different now.

Arguments always seem to kick off when I've been away from the home for a few hours. At work, at the supermarket, hairdressers, my mums..

What would you all think?

OP posts:
category12 · 03/09/2021 14:30

Make your exit and leave him a Dear John Letter?

Don't stay when you know you can be independent and happier.

You deserve good things.
You deserve happiness.
You do not owe this man a relationship.

You only get one life, OP, only one.

Don't sacrifice it on the altar of some pretty skeevy bloke.

Ohpulltheotherone · 03/09/2021 14:32

OP you are in your prime. This relationship isn’t what you want or need.
Your posts read as someone who isn’t happy but fears the unknown.

I say bollocks to that.

Life is too bloody short. Is there any way you could scrap together some money to pay the deposit and rent on a place of your own - family / extra hours / part time job ANYTHING!

You’d only need a couple of thousand (depending where you are of course) to be able to get sorted.

What about looking for a new job closer to family and moving there?

Life is for living, you don’t sound desperately unhappy but I bet you could be so so SO much happier away from this relationship.

He just sounds so creepy and controlling and coercive.

If you were my friend I’d be taking you to view properties to rent and booking a girls holiday.

I hope you can find a way forward to something better

OhDearMuriel · 03/09/2021 14:41

It’s classic projecting behaviour.
I think it’s him that gets up to no good when he’s away from you.

ShingleBeach · 03/09/2021 15:11

I am terrified of telling him, of watching him break (however false that might be

And yet he is breaking you, chip by chip.

And what on earth makes you think he will ‘break’? He resents you, he is aggressive and passive aggressive to you…

He may well act out: no one wants their meal ticket to disappear. Just don’t stick around to listen. It isn’t your job or responsibility.

Go now, before he ribs you of even more confidence and self esteem, and while, as another pp so rightly said, you are in your prime.

2catsandhappy · 03/09/2021 16:33

Add up everything he costs you. From the car to half the groceries. Then compare that figure to the cost of rent in an area you like. If the two figures are roughly equal, start a getting away fund.
Good luck op, you deserve much better.

Original poster
FruityPastille · 09/09/2021 09:31

I really do need to sort myself out, don't I.

I have had an awful realisation at just how miserable I am, and that's no good.

It's not that I want someone to spoil me all the time, I'd just like things to be 50/50. I'd like to go out, go places, see people, make friends, we don't do any of that.

Not sure how I'll do it, but I'll try

OP posts:
decoratedstandardlamp · 09/09/2021 09:55

So here can you go when you leave?

Original poster
FruityPastille · 09/09/2021 10:18

I live a long distance from family, 3 hours' drive. To keep my job (currently working remotely 2 days/week), I would need to either stay local and rent, or I could talk to my manager and ask to work remotely 4 days a week, and travel up here one day/week, while staying with my mum until I find my feet.

Not sure which is the best. My boss is very understanding and I can talk to him, but I don't know if he would like me just being here one day/week (even though he's rarely in), given that we're only just starting to return to 'normal'..

OP posts:
SecondRow · 09/09/2021 10:42

What if you asked your boss to work from home just for one month? Long enough to find a house-share, but you could leave your partner immediately. It sounds like any kind of notice period would be too horrible, you need to just go and tell him later you're not coming back.

40sNonBlondes · 09/09/2021 10:44

What about negotiating 4 days wfh with your boss so that you can move by family, and then look for another job nearer? Can you say family need your support? Even with the travel to your current job (£100pw based on your pp?) it'd likely be cheaper than supporting him.

40sNonBlondes · 09/09/2021 10:45

crossed post with @SecondRow. Even 3 days wfh and a cheapy premier inn would be better than your current situation

Original poster
FruityPastille · 09/09/2021 10:51

Thanks. Yes, I have considered Premier Inn or similar.. though locally that's quite pricey, there are local B&Bs owned privately who might be able to negotiate a price for regular stays..

I just don't know how to do it.
I have no confidence (I realise it's been sucked out of me), I am scared of telling him I'm done.

OP posts:
SecondRow · 09/09/2021 11:04

Lodging on a Monday to Friday basis is quite common too, isn't it?

I think do up your budget before you make any moves. You might get a nice boost when you see how far your money will go when you aren't being leeched off.

How is the debt situation at the moment? Would six months or so as a lodger get you back on your feet and then you could get your own flat again?

SleepingBunnies21 · 09/09/2021 11:14

He's actually exploiting you financially; he has a property, you presumably do not, yet your money is not going into a property or investment, its going on expenses. You have nothing nothing show for it.

He's got no mortgage so he's making money off you.

He also, it sounds like, wants to exploit you sexually too. Trying to set you up for a three-sime with this ex.

Ots all.about hjs sexual gratification (and presumably his ex's), not yours.

His behaviour around you being out is, I'm sorry, classic cheater projection. They think everyone thinks and acts like them.

His behaviour early in relationship was big old flag you ignored to your detriment.

Hes an exploitative sleaze, and his behaviour smacks of cheating.

SleepingBunnies21 · 09/09/2021 11:16

It's not that I want someone to spoil me all the time, I'd just like things to be 50/50. I'd like to go out, go places, see people, make friends, we don't do any of that.

Pretty basic and perfectly reasonable.

He's not a good partner.

bigbaggyeyes · 09/09/2021 11:22

Talk to your boss, you could look at a house share or rent a room for a few nights a week which won't disrupt your work. Then stay at your Mums for the remainder. I'm pretty sure you'd still be better off financially than you are at the moment.

He's emotionally abusing you, the sulks and arginine to when you go out, the trying to make you jealous are all typical examples
He's also financially abusing you, you're pretty much subsidising him in each and every way. Just because you don't pay rent doesn't mean you have to pay for EVERYTHING else

Original poster
FruityPastille · 09/09/2021 11:33

The debt is Ok, would be manageable if I was just supporting myself. I am happy to talk to my creditors (3, totally less than £3000) and ask for reduced payments if I need to.

Yes, he owns his home, I own nothing.

When we first met, I was 8 months out of a physically abusive relationship, and was grateful of the affection. For the first 8 months or so he showered me with affection and was geneorous money-wise. When I started working he stopped. (After relocating up here, I had worked in my home town, had a flat, a social circle, and was becoming happy).

I regret moving up here as quickly as I did (6 weeks after meeting OLD). I was easily led and flattered by him. It's not all his fault, I shoudld have known better and stayed put.

I spoke to his mum this week, and told her. She wasn't surprised, said he would end up lonely..

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 09/09/2021 11:39

Can you ask for 2-3 months of 1 day a week and stay with your family? Could you save a bond in that time to get your own rental near work? A bonus of this would be that he wouldn’t even need to know where you live!

Original poster
FruityPastille · 09/09/2021 11:47

Yes that's possible. I do have a very understanding boss, thankfully, and he knows I will work well away from the office.

I can have those conversations, I don't know how to have it with DP. I know he will cry, I know he will be upset, I know it won't be for the reasons it should be, but he will find a way of getting me to stay, He has manipulated me for so long I just don't know how to do it

OP posts:
LastGirlSanding · 09/09/2021 12:01

You’re doing brilliantly already and are way stronger than you give yourself credit for. It can help to try and detach as much as possible and not get sucked into lengthy conversations. Remember at all times you owe him nothing, he’s bled you dry for years now and more than got his money’s worth from you!

If you see him crying you need to keep reminding yourself of why he’s crying. It’s not because he’s sad to lose you or he has x or y issue..(i’d bet my bottom dollar he’ll talk about being depressed or similar).. he’ll be sad that without you he’ll actually have to work and support himself for a change.

If it helps you can look at him like a fancy hologram, masking what’s truly underneath. The reality is this man has been leeching your life and money from you and will be cross his source of tasty blood is going.

Also, put your plan in place first and then talk to him. Don’t give him the opportunity to manipulate you.

And finally, keep your outcome in mind at all times. If you feel bad at his reaction then keep reminding yourself this is difficult now but a breeze compared to another 8 years of this shit.

timeisnotaline · 09/09/2021 12:08

I wouldn’t necessarily tell him. You can’t treat him lik a normal mentally healthy person, and you don’t owe him a face to face conversation. It’s really important to remember he doesn’t have to agree. He can be furious , and you can still leave. Does he leave the house? Can you just move then tell him? You wouldn’t have too much to pack if it’s all his, or is there furniture thats yours?!

timeisnotaline · 09/09/2021 12:09

I mean I’d tell him after I’d left. But I can’t see a good reason to talk to him before leaving.

Original poster
FruityPastille · 09/09/2021 12:15

Thank you all.

He very rarely leaves the house, and if he does, we generally go together.

I wish it was a quick matter of packing clothes and going, but I also have pets I'd need to pack up and take with me (wouldn't leave them behind).

He was supposed to be going away for a weekend with some golfing mates, but cancelled it, so no time there.

I'll talk to my mum this weekend, and my boss tomorrow, and go from there.

Thank you for the support

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 09/09/2021 12:27

If you cant pack while he’s out, perhaps if you grab the important things minus pet stuff, then have a friend come around, you tell him and friend helps you pack pets etc and leave?

Bollindger · 09/09/2021 13:07

Do a mass tidy.
Put all your important things in the car, a it at a time over a week.
Sort a friend to help, give them a key and arrange an event 2 hours away. Then they just pack what ever you put on the list , with locations of items.
Go to supermarket near his house on the way home. Walk out the door and leave, meet friend.