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Original poster

What would you make of this...

76 replies

FruityPastille · 03/09/2021 10:23

Name changed for this as it could be outing if spotted..

So, the other day, after a lovely afternoon getting my hair done after four months of regrowth and not being able to afford it, I was at home prepping dinner.
My DP and I live together (8 years), no kids.
He got all funny, not sure even now how it started, where it came from, but it caught me totally by surprise. First he accused me of clcking off a webpage when he walked in the room, I had just clicked play on a Netflix series I was watching and the screen changed, as it does. Nothing to hide, no reason to be concerned. But it pissed him off. Started talking about how I never get any mail to the house (I genuinely don't), I must get it sent to my mums (I definitely don't). Anyway, we muttered away for a while about this and that. He told me what he didn't like about me so I told him what I didn't like about him. Namely that he used to talk to/test/meet up with exes behind my back, lied about it, covered it up. This hasn't happened for years but he really wound me up. Came off the back of him telling me an ex had asked to meet for a coffee, I had no issues and said yes go, he was upfront about it and it doesn't bother me anymore. I think the lack of jealousy annoyed him.
Anyway, he then started asking about if I was sexually satisfied. I don't have a high sex-drive, never have, and assumed that's what he meant. He said no, I mean, do you want to explore things, are there women you like chatting to, someone once told him all women are bi-curious, and that if I wanted to explore things/myself, I could, it wouldn't have to be the end of us.
Well, that really wound me up.
I'm 36, quite happy in myself and realtively content, if not a bit miffed at being the bread winner in the relationship, but that's how it is at the moment. I told him no, quite happy being straight, no interest in 'exploring'. I found the whole situation very odd.
About 10 minutes later he slipped in to the conversation that this ex he was going to meet (she cancelled in the end) was bi-sexual. No idea how that made it into the conversation. So then my mind was whirring thinking was he trying to introduce something? It has been playing on my mind since it happened a few days ago. We've not been intimate since and to be honest I've found it hard to even hug him. It all feels very different now.

Arguments always seem to kick off when I've been away from the home for a few hours. At work, at the supermarket, hairdressers, my mums..

What would you all think?

OP posts:
Thefirsttime · 03/09/2021 12:54

The trouble is, until I can get myself on an even keel finance wise, clear my debts, I don't see how I can.

This isn’t going to happen while you’re bankrolling him though. You might not be paying any rent, but I bet that paying his mobile, car insurance and all of his outgoings will add up to more than the cost of rent.

Sakurami · 03/09/2021 12:57

You're not able to save and been taking out loans as you've been overspending because you're funding him! And also it has meant that you weren't climbing up the property ladder.

How much are you paying a month for all the bills, his Bill's etc?

HalzTangz · 03/09/2021 12:57

He was after a threesome

SummerWhisper · 03/09/2021 13:01

He dislikes you enough to treat you like crap and force you into debt.

Bollindger · 03/09/2021 13:02

Your Paying all the Bills, have you bought that up?
Tell him you can't afford things,
No more loans to cover anything.
No more treats, cut the shopping bills.
Are the house bills in his name?
Stop paying his phone bill.
He is shagging his maid and wow the maid also pays his way.

BeaucoupFish · 03/09/2021 13:04

It is good you have no children together, just think if you dump him you never have to see him again as long as you live.

HalzTangz · 03/09/2021 13:07

You need to stop paying for everything, bills should be 50/50.
Don't buy extras or anything for the house.
Cut down where you can on food etc to clear your loans/credit cards.
Then move out.

Other option, could you move back in with family and get a new job. Living with family will be cheaper than living with him (they won't expect you to pay for everything). This would give you chance to clear debts and rent yourself somewhere.

Another option, find a house share. Again bills will be split and yes you pay for the room, but it would still work out cheaper I believe. A lot of rooms to rent include bills, so you'd only have food to buy. This should leave you with more left over to clear debts.

Foxmylife · 03/09/2021 13:10

What are you doing with him? And yeah, he sounds like he might want acthreesome

decoratedstandardlamp · 03/09/2021 13:10

Who can you go and live with ASAP and I mean THIS WEEK. Literally think where can I turn up and they'll take me in.

I'd pack up and get out of there. Then you can start getting finances in order.

Thank god you haven't had kids with the cock. He thinks he has you over a barrel by owning the house. Prove him wrong now.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/09/2021 13:13

You'll never get back on your feet financially while you're supporting him .

Are you afraid of taking that step and actually leaving?

UndeadSlut · 03/09/2021 13:20

An ex of mine did this. Caught him looking up girls on FB/dating sites and when I confronted him he said he was looking for someone to be a third for us. He'd never discussed it with me before and it wasn't something I wanted to do. He then continued to look and chat because "it would be a treat". Dumped him, far later than I should have done!

legoriakelne · 03/09/2021 13:22

Bluntly, you are describing coercive control.

He is an abuser and has been from the day he targeted you for your vulnerability. The latest incidents don't change that, and it is a waste of time to be analysing and debating them.

The only thing worth putting energy into is exiting the relationship as quickly as possible, and then seeking support to break this pattern in future relationships. E.g. Freedom Programme course, therapy, etc.

And understanding that you experienced trauma growing up, that you are affected by that and have been vulnerable because of it is a useful thing to do. If we do not understand our past we cannot understand our present.

It's not about "blaming your mistakes on your childhood" (which sounds disturbingly like saying you deserve to be blamed and punished for being vulnerable and being abused - I could not disagree more strongly), it is about understanding how you came to be in this position and why you have the beliefs and tolerances for poor treatment that you do, so that you can change things with compassion for yourself.

legoriakelne · 03/09/2021 13:26

@category12

You'll never get out from under financially while you stay there - and think about it, the money/housing situation must be a rationalisation if you're wishing he'd cheat or end it for you. Follow that line of thought - what would you do if he kicked you out? Would family help? Would you sofa-surf? Would you find a room in a shared house? What?

Now go do that.

It is a bit like saying you will first address your dehydration before doing anything else - whilst sitting passively in the middle of a desert without any water.
WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 03/09/2021 13:34

Oh my goodness, there is so much that is concerning about this relationship, that one conversation is really just the tip of the iceberg isn’t it.

Sounds like you need to start making a plan to leave. You are not responsible for him, you’re responsible for your own life and happiness. Is there anyone you can turn to for support?

stepupandbecounted · 03/09/2021 13:48

A) He is cheating already, or planning to and hopes to get you on board with it (sounding you out)

B) Hew is financially abusing you.

Plan to leave asap, he is not a keeper.

RuthTopp · 03/09/2021 13:53

Do your actually mean £2,000 or £20,000 ? If you do mean £2,000 , leave today , he's a cocklodger and taking you for a mug.

milcal · 03/09/2021 13:53

I feel for you. He is controlling and doesn't respect you. That's a horrible atmosphere to live in. I know it's hard but if I were you I would plan to leave. He might have his house but he is using you for money to pay for everything. You might be financially better off single and living on your own. You'd certainly be happier. You don't have any ties to each other.

Take time to plan and try to privately save a little for when you move out.

Good luck 🤞🏻

AramintaLee · 03/09/2021 13:54

Hi OP. Either he was fishing to see if you'd be up for a threesome with his ex OR he was asking because sometimes guys get really insecure about their partner being bi-sexual and perhaps his ex being bi made some alarm bells ring.

I'm bi myself and I've had guys who have assumed this means I'm more likely to cheat (it's not) or not be sexually satisfied by them (also not the case)

I think because he mentioned it in conjunction with you being sexually satisfied... perhaps this is what he was getting at. Basically wanting to know whether you're gonna go off with a woman at some point because his dick isn't doing it for you.

Either way, he's a bit of a chump.

cheeseisnice · 03/09/2021 13:56

I had a boyfriend once who said something similar about threesomes. It was designed to make me insecure and keep me on the back foot, a total power game. He wouldn't have had the balls to take two women on at the same time.
I nonchalantly said of course I'd be up for a threesome. Then harped on for a good twenty minutes about which of his friends I'd be up for shagging. Funnily enough he shut the fuck up about threesomes after that. But the relationship was doomed from then on.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 03/09/2021 14:02

He is projecting. I bet he has cheated. When you're away from the home for a few hours he assumes that you act like he does. That's why he acts like that when you arrive home.
Your update re finances just shows how badly he treats you. Even though you have some debts to repay, you'd probably be better off looking locally for a room to rent / flat share in the short term. You'll save money by not having to pay for the cock lodger you currently live with. That will give you time to think about what you want and where you want to be long term.
Good luck OP, you sound lovely and deserve a happy lifeFlowers

mswales · 03/09/2021 14:05

Goodness me this is horrendous. How did he talk you into paying for his entire life? Please please stop that right now. You really need to leave this serious abuser. You will end up so much happier and your financial problems will be solved.

bamboocat · 03/09/2021 14:06

I think you should seriously consider ditching him and finding a bloke who isn't a manipulative, lying, controlling, two-timing arsehole.

ShingleBeach · 03/09/2021 14:17

He feels guilty and or resentful of you so seeks to blame you for whatever he is doing or feeling.

I wonder what he does while you are out??

His resenting you living in the house while you pay all his living expenses is horrible.

OP: you could have had your own mortgage throughout this time Sad

He is gaslighting you, he is emotionally manipulative and abusive.

Coffee with the ex….. yeah right.

Trust your own thoughts and feelings, OP.

You certainly can’t trust his.

Original poster
FruityPastille · 03/09/2021 14:19

Wow. Reading your replies really does bring it home royally.

But yes, nail on the head @IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves I a scared of taking that step. Terrified in fact. And I shouldn't be. I can be independent, and happier, but I am terrified of telling him, of watching him break (however false that might be)

OP posts:
decoratedstandardlamp · 03/09/2021 14:21

Where can you go OP? What options do you have?