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Relationships

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Original poster

Be honest. If someone you were dating expected...

56 replies

me4real · 02/09/2021 22:54

Here's another one.

If you were making lerve with someone you were dating for the first time, would you be ok with/expect them to stay the night?

I'm 44 and dated a bit more a couple of years ago than I have for a while, and was surprised to discover this is a thing.

Personally I wouldn't necessarily want to have someone stay the whole night if I didn't know them well- I just wouldn't find it relaxing to have a lover over for that long. (Assuming there haven't been six months or more of courtship leading up to the event. )

But my friend who's 30 thinks it's a sign they're not a player.

What's Your Opinion On?

OP posts:

seensome · 02/09/2021 23:05

Chucking them straight back out rather than letting them stay the night, I'm not sure you'd get the chance to know if they are a player or not, who's the player here but to answer your question no if they stay the night they could just be a lazy player, it's the risk you take when you hardly know them.

Hadalifeonce · 02/09/2021 23:09

Called me old fashioned, but I wouldn't dream of having sex with someone if I expected them to leave immediately afterwards. It would make me think ' wham bang, thank you ma'am' ie just in it for the sex.

icedcoffees · 02/09/2021 23:13

I would never expect them to leave, nor would I make them!

If someone did leave I'd probably stop seeing them - it's cowardly behaviour not to at least stay for coffee and breakfast.

LV2NY · 02/09/2021 23:15

It would completely depend on the situation. The first time my partner and I slept together it was daytime and after we cuddled in bed a long time before we showered together then I went home. I have teenage children though and at that stage it was early days and they didn’t know about him. If our first time had been in the evening and I had been able to stay over we would have both been keen but we were friends for a while before dating so we knew each other well enough to do that.

Original poster

me4real · 02/09/2021 23:23

It's not a matter of me being a player I just find it draining having a 'guest' I don't really know for a protracted period of time. Not to mention, one bloke was the dreadfulest I've ever known in bed and what's more an obnoxious person, but I didn't feel I could ask him to leave before when he'd planned to. I was counting the seconds.

The first time my partner and I slept together it was daytime and after we cuddled in bed a long time before we showered together then I went home.

@LV2NY Exactly, it doesn't have to be unromantic or playery. I suppose it'd be harder to throw them out at night though without it seeming wrong.

Maybe I'll just have to date them for ages beforehand (ha!) so I'm relaxed in their company.

OP posts:

altmember · 02/09/2021 23:42

I think if you get as far as the bedroom together then kicking them out straight after is a bit rude. And no chance of a round 2 in the morning either.

I guess a way around it would be to have sex somewhere other than the bedroom?

EccentricaGalumbits · 02/09/2021 23:53

The obvious solution, as some others have mentioned, is to not leave the sex until right before bedtime.

Most people with children will have to go home at the end of a date, doesn't mean they're a player!

PumpkinKlNG · 02/09/2021 23:56

Hmm when I was younger and dating It felt a bit rubbish when someone left immediately after sex tbh

Whataboutye88 · 02/09/2021 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whataboutye88 · 03/09/2021 00:00

Sorry, have reported my post!

RogueV · 03/09/2021 00:01

I’m with you OP, I would be like call me, see ya 👋

Shodan · 03/09/2021 00:11

Being completely honest- I'd rather they left

It takes me ages to be comfortable enough to actually sleep with someone (a whole year, in one case!) and also I get stupidly stressed about accidentally farting in their presence, so need to be comfortable for that reason too.

Nothing dulls the shine of a new relationship more than a wild-eyed, full-of-gas woman in the morning...

IceLace100 · 03/09/2021 00:19

I'd never expect them to leave unless there is a reason.

Dated a junior doctor who regularly left after sex to go to work obv that was fine!

Leaving immediate after means either they're a fuck boi or you are!

Original poster

me4real · 03/09/2021 00:33

Leaving immediate after means either they're a fuck boi or you are!

No, I just like my own space. Suppose I'll just have to wait for the love of my life.

OP posts:

IceLace100 · 03/09/2021 00:58

Don't you think if someone leaves without a reason they were only after one thing?

Shamsa03 · 03/09/2021 01:09

@me4real

Leaving immediate after means either they're a fuck boi or you are!

No, I just like my own space. Suppose I'll just have to wait for the love of my life.

No it doesn't. I hate sleepovers, do we still call them sleepovers? Who cares... anyway I can't spend more than a few hours with people it drains me and gives me a headache. Nothing wrong with you wanting your own space, your life your choice.

LV2NY · 03/09/2021 01:14

@me4real

Leaving immediate after means either they're a fuck boi or you are!

No, I just like my own space. Suppose I'll just have to wait for the love of my life.

I totally get what you are saying and you are entitled to your space for sure. With my partner we sort of knew from our first date that it was something special. We had sex on date two and afterwards agreed we were dating and exclusive. It was really romantic and special. Maybe you just haven’t met the right guy yet. We don’t live together but my favourite thing in the world is sleeping next to him all night snuggled up together. Previous boyfriend slept on his own side of the bed and felt I could never touch him, it felt more alone than sleeping alone! There is no harm in being honest before you have sex and say I take a while getting used to spending the whole night together. Or always have sex at his house so you can leave after.

Shamsa03 · 03/09/2021 01:15

When I was younger sometimes Id be talked into staying at someone's house, I stay awake the whole night waiting to go home as soon as day broke.
I used to think their was something wrong with me till I realised I didn't care if their was it makes me uncomfortable and that's that.

TooBigForMyBoots · 03/09/2021 01:16

I preferred sex back at their place so I could leave when I wanted and go home to my own bed.😆

Original poster

me4real · 03/09/2021 01:25

@TooBigForMyBoots Sounds like a plan- though with one of my exes I always stayed there after dates, but I somehow didn't feel I could leave. Need to be more assertive.

The more I think about it the more I think there are things you have to say before a date.

Wanting to get back to my own space to sleep/a date not to be too long, could join the list along with condoms being compulsory. There was another one but I can't remember it offhand.

OP posts:

LV2NY · 03/09/2021 01:29

If you were in a long term relationship would you be comfortable staying the night?

NCBlossom · 03/09/2021 01:45

Honestly? I think there is something wrong with us as human beings if we can get so intimate and close to have sex with someone, but not even want to wake up with them the next morning. Some real disconnect.

I don’t mean to be rude to you OP, it’s just a general observation. Physical without any mental connection isn’t great long - term imho, it’s not good for the soul. Better off to wait and find someone even for a weekend whirl where you get a bit connected, even for a brief affair. But two hours of sex then bye? Don’t understand it. You are an adult though and this is your call, so if you don’t want to hurt their feelings, be up front or have lunchtime sex!

Riapia · 03/09/2021 01:52

Leaving a warm bed to go home is the worst part of being single.

shesellsseacats · 03/09/2021 01:53

Totally agree.

I had a lot of one night stands (mostly with people I knew from the social scene I was part of, not total randoms, well, not usually) in my 20s and sex pretty much always led to sleeping in the same place.

Are you having sex with people you don't actually want to spend time with?

EccentricaGalumbits · 03/09/2021 02:13

Oh good grief, now people aren't 'humanning' properly if they want or need to head back to their own homes to sleep.

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