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Relationships

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Original poster

Be honest. If someone you were dating expected...

56 replies

me4real · 02/09/2021 22:54

Here's another one.

If you were making lerve with someone you were dating for the first time, would you be ok with/expect them to stay the night?

I'm 44 and dated a bit more a couple of years ago than I have for a while, and was surprised to discover this is a thing.

Personally I wouldn't necessarily want to have someone stay the whole night if I didn't know them well- I just wouldn't find it relaxing to have a lover over for that long. (Assuming there haven't been six months or more of courtship leading up to the event. )

But my friend who's 30 thinks it's a sign they're not a player.

What's Your Opinion On?

OP posts:

Original poster

me4real · 03/09/2021 02:22

I honestly don't have problems with intimacy or anything like that. I just find 'socializing' draining and it's hard to relax around other people sometimes. I have some ADHD or something so I don't know if it's related to that.

For sure some of them I've shagged too early though- it's difficult not to, isn't it? I think I find it easier than conversation.

OP posts:

Original poster

me4real · 03/09/2021 02:22

@EccentricaGalumbits I know, right? It's quite insulting.

OP posts:

TooBigForMyBoots · 03/09/2021 02:34

Leaving a warm bed to go home is the worst part of being single.

Not for me. Starfishing back in my own, cool bed, is the best part of being single.#menopausal

Opentooffers · 03/09/2021 02:35

I remember a chap asked if he could stay the night, he got a "no, got things to do in the morning" that was a rare time when someone came to me early on - plus, he didn't impress me much, so I already had an idea I wouldn't be seeing him again, I suspected he was looking for a future place to stay as much as a girlfriend - no chance!

Original poster

me4real · 03/09/2021 02:47

@Opentooffers Yep lol, I shagged a younger guy once, and at one point he said 'I was just thinking what it'll be like when I live here' or something like that. Oh dear!

OP posts:

Sakurami · 03/09/2021 03:30

I'd feel a bit weird if we shagged and then went to our own house but I get not being able to relax. I can't remember what it was like with my previous long term exes but the couple of guys I dated, the first few nights I barely got any sleep. With my current boyfriend I slept and still do sleep like a baby. He doesn't snore or move much though, so it might be that.

Catlover1970 · 03/09/2021 04:15

I think you are overthinking it. If you build an emotional connection with someone rather than it just being sex then the natural thing would be for them to stay. That’s all part of sharing and relationship building

NCBlossom · 03/09/2021 08:03

This would have very different replies if it was a woman dating a man who she first met, had sex with and then who asked her to leave straight away.

The replies would be to not see the man again.

However you sound upfront OP - but if you can’t speak to someone then it’s a very mechanical just sex act - with no real connection. Which is fine if you are fine about it, and the man / person is.

spotcheck · 03/09/2021 08:13

Daytime sex is the answer here

MatildaIThink · 03/09/2021 08:27

I always had the rule (I am married now) that one should never sleep with someone who one was not prepared to have breakfast with. That does not mean that you or they actually need to cook breakfast, but that having set and then telling them to get dressed and leave makes it seem all a bit mechanical.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/09/2021 08:43

My last LTR, we had sex on our first date. We both then fell asleep. But I was woken by him snoring incredibly loudly after about 30 minutes. I kept drifting back off, then it would start again. I ended up getting up and driving home at 3am!

I would have to be VERY into someone now to want to stay the night, or have them stay over. I'd be upfront about that though. And I'd make sure sex was early on, followed by other activities like food or watching a film, so it wouldn't feel like I was fucking then running.

EccentricaGalumbits · 03/09/2021 08:45

So many posters on here conflating staying at one's own home with getting up and leaving immediately after sex.

The first time DP and I shagged we spent hours and hours entwined afterwards, talking, kissing, snoozing with our lips touching. It could not have been more intimate. Eventually, though, I had to go back home to the babysitter.

Velvetbee · 03/09/2021 08:49

I hate sleeping with people, even my husband of 26 years. I certainly can’t sleep whilst touching another human unless they’re younger than 4. I used to co sleep with the kids and 4 was when their mood/heat/breathing would interfere with mine. It’s like I’m so sensitive to the other person that I can’t hold my own against their feelings and thoughts.
But I’m a perfectly fine human thank you.

felulageller · 03/09/2021 09:23

I love sleeping with someone. If they didn't want to do this after sex I wouldn't want to see them again. It take it as a huge rejection.

EdgeOfACoin · 03/09/2021 09:59

Personally I wouldn't sleep with anyone who I didn't like enough to have as a house guest, but I see that I'm the minority here!

Bbub · 03/09/2021 10:54

@TooBigForMyBoots

I preferred sex back at their place so I could leave when I wanted and go home to my own bed.😆

Exactly the same here, I like to come and go as I please

Also I sometimes suffer from insomnia so I wouldn't want to be tossing and turning and going for multiple night wees in someone else's house.

Even if I was happy to stay I wouldn't assume I was welcome to, so would prepare myself to leave, unless we had specifically planned to sleep over together (as whoever's house).

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 03/09/2021 10:59

When I was younger and it was all ONSs and casuals, I couldn't wait for them to bugger off so I could crack on, or chill on my own.
With my lovely DP though, we just never wanted to be apart. Our first date was 3 days long and loved every moment of it. Had a LDR for 6 months in which we met 5 times, decided to move in together on date number 5 and never looked back.

Heliachi · 03/09/2021 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 03/09/2021 11:33

In a budding relationship, I’d expect to sleep over. The “walk of shame” is not a consideration these days.

In a more casual/FWB situation, definitely not - but I do miss morning sex.

AlbertBridge · 03/09/2021 11:36

I just find it draining having a 'guest' I don't really know for a protracted period of time.

Not to mention, one bloke was the dreadfulest I've ever known in bed and what's more an obnoxious person

Stop shagging horrible people you hardly know, then this won't be a problem. 👍🏻

Original poster

me4real · 03/09/2021 14:53

it's cowardly behaviour not to at least stay for coffee and breakfast.

Sorry I can't spot who said this. I'm not saying anyone should sneak away or anything. Nothing cowardly about it. Just eventually I want my own space to relax. I imagine most of us do, especially if it's a relatively new partner. I just reach that point a bit earlier than others, that's all.

@Catlover1970 Eventually and sometimes, maybe.

This would have very different replies if it was a woman dating a man who she first met, had sex with and then who asked her to leave straight away.

@NCBlossom I suppose maybe it needs to be discussed beforehand and explained it's not a bump and dump 'em thing I just need time to chill out, that's all.

Daytime sex is the answer here

@spotcheck Good plan.

Had a LDR for 6 months in which we met 5 times, decided to move in together on date number 5 and never looked back.

@GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy I plan not to live with someone again. Too many bad experiences of men's moods casting a cloud over the whole house (including in my childhood from my father.) I've lived with men a couple of times and the second one was definitely similar. If he didn't have everything gooing exactly how he wanted it he'd storm around etc.

In a budding relationship, I’d expect to sleep over. The “walk of shame” is not a consideration these days.

@NoBetterthanSheShouldBe I'm not meaning that at all. Also, 'walk of shame' is usually referring to the next morning. The person heads back on the bus etc or walks home and they're still in the clothes they wore for clubbing the night before.

Not to mention, one bloke was the dreadfulest I've ever known in bed and what's more an obnoxious person

Stop shagging horrible people you hardly know, then this won't be a problem

I can feel stuck with an obnoxious person for the night. You mightn't realize how awful they are until that particular date. I suppose I need to be assertive and when obnoxiousness emerges ask them to leave immediately.

OP posts:

goawaystormy · 03/09/2021 15:57

Honestly? I think there is something wrong with us as human beings if we can get so intimate and close to have sex with someone, but not even want to wake up with them the next morning. Some real disconnect.

This. And I'm not some sappy 'sex is all about the mental and emotional connection' type. I can appreciate a good just physical time. But I can't imagine being comfortable enough to let someone see my naked and stick their dick in me but not being comfortable then just hanging around with them for a few hours after/sleeping next to them. You've already got over the bit where your naked and rubbing up against each other, after that sleep is just sleep. Waking up next to them isn't some big deal, it's just an oh good morning. They're not just some 'house guest' like a distant family member come to do the polite, maybe slightly forced, visit and catch up, they're someone you have literally shagged, if you don't like them enough that you actively want rid of them after I think you actually dislike them to much to be shagging them. And that even goes for ONS, sure I'm not in love with them and all sentimental about being intimate, but I find it weird if you're happy enough to shag them but get weird about the perfectly natural habit of falling asleep after (especially at night). I don't sleep with anyone who I dislike enough that once the deed is done I actually want rid of them.

JustAnother0ldMan · 03/09/2021 16:35

With my previous partner, we did it at mine 1st time, but she had an early meeting next day so left about midnight to get ready etc, that felt a bit weird.
I’ve not actually dtd with new partner and I suspect it will be at her place, hopefully won’t get kicked out 😧, and maybe round 2 in the morning if all goes well !

SukonthaM · 03/09/2021 16:39

It depends. Most of my first shags with new people have been when I’ve met them on a night out, so it’s been extremely late by the time we’ve got back to whoever’s house. I wouldn’t appreciate being kicked out at 4am

Bagelsandbrie · 03/09/2021 16:42

I’m in my 40s and married but if I was single again and dating I think I’d want them to leave afterwards. I like my own space and my own bed too much! Dh and I go to bed at different times as he likes to stay up later than me and I love having time to myself in bed before I sleep, I read etc etc and spread out and enjoy the quiet. Can’t imagine sharing that with anyone. No thanks!

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