DH lacks any empathy

[Exhaustedpenguin]

I'm sure I can predict what people will say but I'm wanting advice please, that isn't just telling me to leave him, because I'm not going to subject the DC's to a divorce.

At the moment I am very upset and scared because my grandma has been told she has a few weeks to live and my best friend has stage 4 cancer and the chemotherapy isn't working
My DH asked me in 2 separate conversations, why I was sad, so I told him.

For my grandma he said, "she looked fine last time I saw her. How do you actually know she's dying I told him the doctors have advised she go to a hospice for her last few weeks. He said, "I'll believe it when I see it, unless you've personally talked to the doctor, I'd stop worrying. He asked what grans plans were for Christmas and I said, she'll be dead by Christmas. He told me I was being pessimistic and walked away.

For my best friend I was crying and he asked what was wrong. After I told him I was scared she'll die he said, "I worry about climate change but I've realised there's nothing I can do about it, so there's no point you getting upset. Is that the only thing making you cry?"

This isn't an unusual reaction but the two things together have made me realise just how lonely I am because I can't talk to him about it. He knows he lacks empathy and I know I can't change him, but i just don't know how I can cope with this. I could talk to friends about it but it angers me that he asks how I am, but then dismisses my feelings completely. Does anyone else's DH behave this way?

My ex husband lacked empathy and while a number of undesirable traits appeared over the years, the lack of empathy was the worst for me. I never expected emotional support from him as he simply wasn't capable of offering it. Didn't know how, or what that would even look like. Not expecting this didn't make it any easier as being face to face with someone so 'empty' when I was hurting was acutely painful - I can't really find the words the explain it. It's incredibly hard to share your life with someone like that and in the end it was a major in the disintegration of our marriage. He was (& remains) literally dead inside..

While I'm not suggesting you leave him, I will say that surprisingly I manage sadness alone so much better now I don't have to contend without the additional pain caused by his dismissing how I felt.

It's really tough to face the prospect of losing one person let alone 2 who mean so much to you. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. You're not alone x

@Pinkyxx Thank you so much for your very honest and kind response. You have articulated a lot of the feelings I am having and your description of the frustration of talking to someone who is so 'empty' is spot on. I'm not quite sure what I am going to do. We tried counselling a few years back and this was mentioned as something that was a key factor in our issues, but he simply is unable to understand what it is he is doing wrong.
I worry also that this impacts on the DC's - more than just them seeing me upset. He can't understand why they are angry when they've had an issue at school or why they get upset when he criticises them. I can't see an end to this.

Wow, has he always been like this. Thats really heartless

I worry also that this impacts on the DC's - more than just them seeing me upset.

It definitely will.

What’s he like when they hurt themselves?

What’s he criticising them for, stuff you agree with him on?

I mean, while you don’t want to hear it and you’ve already got a lot of fear and trauma in your life it’s not what you want to be thinking about, you really should leave him. For you and for your impressionable innocent children. Staying together for them would be a huge mistake and would jeopardise their wellbeing and what they think people and relationships should be like far more than you facing up to your fears about divorce and giving them a better life without him in it all the time.

I don’t think it would make you feel better if other people said their husbands were as cold and unfeeling either, you’d just know there were other families out there who are as unhappy. Which is a horrible thought.

I really feel for you so much, you’re going through a lot and have tough times ahead. But I think ruling out divorce as if it’s for the sake of your children will make you and then even more unhappy.

Hi OP. I wanted to say I'm so sorry for your current situation and how hard it must be. Having lost a mum and brother in quick succession, I have to say my husband's ability to support me and emphasize was probably the single most thing that got me through. So your current situation is worrying as it may deteriorate further.

This isn't normal. He needs to address it. It's not your problem or fault. The onus is on him.

I think you need to slowly start making plans to leave him. Perhaps leave after Christmas? I appreciate you're going through a very difficult time and you don't want to leave him but you have a responsibility to look after your children's wellbeing. It must be awful for them living with a father who has no empathy. The children must come first in all of this. Their mental health is more important than a sham marriage.

My DH is a bit like this OP

I'm sorry you are dealing with a lot

My ex husband had no empathy and it was painful and I eventually realised with the no empathy (cluster B Personality Disordered) came the inability to love. Basically our whole 18 year relationship was a lie. I once sat him down and tried to explain the 'walk a mile in my shoes' analogy, he just didn't get it. He couldn't. Now he's an absent father, his parenting is as good as his skills of being a partner. He doesn't care about his kids or anyone apart from himself because he's incapable. It's soul destroying. I feel so bad for my DC's that I chose him as their father.

Is it definitely that he lacks empathy or is he just shit at expressing it?

My DH is a sensitive soul and very kind and caring, he can just be really awful at saying the right thing.

Eg when my grandfather was recently admitted to hospital following a stroke and I was upset, he said some pretty irritating platitudes like ‘try not to worry, it’s out of your hands’ and ‘he’s old, he’s had a good innings.’ But he was still able to hug me and will regularly ask how I’m feeling and how my grandad is doing.

Yep I’ve got a DH like this. I think a lot of it comes down to ego. If he can’t fix the problem then his ego is damaged. It also gives him a boost/power if he says something unsympathetic like he’s better than everyone else because he can make a grand statement. Some of the stuff my DH says at things like refugees dying trying to get here is very similar to your DH. I’ve learnt not to bother expecting any emotional support and I don’t bother having these conversations with him. I regret having kids with someone like this and don’t know how I didn’t see it early on in our relationship but I think it’s my normal because my Dad is like this. Total emotional void. If my kids hurt themselves he often gets angry with them or just dismisses it. It was hard when they were little. I should have walked away when they were little but it’s too late for me now. If you can get away and build a life not so lonely then I’d recommend it. It’s no way to live being so lonely and unhappy

I dont think that sounds like he has no empathy. He is trying to fix it for you by trying to spin the situation in a positive light. Maybe next time try telling him you dont need him to fix it as it wont help just listen to you and give you a cuddle and then you will feel supported. He will probably do it. I think he wants to make you happy but is just a bit useless at knowkng what to say.

Doesn't sound good but he could just be very clumsily trying to be encouraging. Or feeling powerless at the situation. I'm usually a fixer and struggle with stuff that has no solution (though I offer sympathy). What is he like when something horrible happens?

And I'm very sorry to hear about your gran and friend.

@StacySolomansshittaste

My ex husband had no empathy and it was painful and I eventually realised with the no empathy (cluster B Personality Disordered) came the inability to love. Basically our whole 18 year relationship was a lie. I once sat him down and tried to explain the 'walk a mile in my shoes' analogy, he just didn't get it. He couldn't. Now he's an absent father, his parenting is as good as his skills of being a partner. He doesn't care about his kids or anyone apart from himself because he's incapable. It's soul destroying. I feel so bad for my DC's that I chose him as their father.

I have the exact same experience. My ex is becoming less and less bothered about his dc. I suspect in a years time he will rarely see them. I felt so lonely and unsupported and now he is doing it to our dc.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. @BeachDrifting I'm sorry that you are in such an awful position. It sounds soul destroying and so awful that you feel that there's no point in talking to him anymore.

For those asking if he is just shit at finding the right words, I think there is an element of this. Early on in our relationship he'd say that an outfit made me look fat or that I didn't do something right without thinking and I put it down to him simply choosing the wrong words.

But now that I've got genuinely terrible things happening, I've realised that yes, he wants to make me feel better, but that he simply has no comprehension of why I'm upset.

I suffered greatly during lockdown 1 (didn't we all...) and I got very depressed. When I tried to explain why I was unhappy he would say, "there's nothing you can do about it so there's no point in worrying ".

He's very black and white about things - homeless people should just move off the street into a shelter etc. He will also shout at me or the kids in front of friends or in the street because he can't understand why that might be inappropriate. I spoke to him a lot when we were first dating about not doing it, but he does it without thinking.

I don't know. Maybe I should accept that we cant stay together but it sounds so insignificant a reason to end it all

My partner is a little like this but he acknowledges it and feels bad. He says because he just likes to be left alone and not talk about things if there's a problem in life that he really struggled to understand how to give someone else the opposite. He often is quite non committal if I start talking about something upsetting to me and I thought this was because he didn't care but he says he just feels awkward and doesn't know what to say to help, and is scared of getting it wrong. He does offer physical comfort though which I guess is easier. I think a lot of this for my DP is to do with upbringing, his parents are quite cold and formal and have never encouraged talking about feelings or modelled it for him. It is tough to deal with as a partner. It may be he is trying to 'cheer you up' rather than lacking empathy so I reckon a starting point would be to talk to him and tell him this method doesn't work for you at the moment, and if you can outline how you would like him to react when you want to talk to him about serious things.

Does he ever get visibly upset or worried about anything?

I don't normally approve of this, but wait until he is, and repeat the kind of wording he'd use in that kind of situation back to him exactly and see how it lands.

If it works, and he stops worrying or getting upset, then that's one thing. BUT, if he gets frustrated, angry, annoyed that you're not giving him sympathy or empathy.....then he knows full well what empathy or sympathy is but he's unwilling to provide it to others.

You might get an objection to this, something like 'Yeah but my situation is worse, your situation wasn't as bad', and that's at least half the problem. Often, people like this are always putting their own issues or problems above everyone else's. Everything is so much worse for them and their issue has to be the most important issue in the room. You couldn't possibly know what they're going through, so you deserve zero sympathy and they deserve everything.

Others are simply unwilling to provide the emotional labour necessary to make others feel better. It's hard work, they can't be bothered to sit down and actually spend time with someone to help them feel better or simply listen, so they diminish other people's problems so they don't have to deal with them.

For my grandma he said, "she looked fine last time I saw her. How do you actually know she's dying I told him the doctors have advised she go to a hospice for her last few weeks. He said, "I'll believe it when I see it, unless you've personally talked to the doctor, I'd stop worrying. He asked what grans plans were for Christmas and I said, she'll be dead by Christmas. He told me I was being pessimistic and walked away

For my best friend I was crying and he asked what was wrong. After I told him I was scared she'll die he said, "I worry about climate change but I've realised there's nothing I can do about it, so there's no point you getting upset. Is that the only thing making you cry?

These responses are just bizarre! The only thing that's making him cry? God. I assume he won't shed a tear then if you die before him :/

I've outlined some common empathy/sympathy issues above, but this is so extreme that I'm not actually sure if they will apply to your husband. Surely emotional support is something most people need in a marriage? I'm concerned for you because you're not able rely on him for this. I'm concerned that as you grow old and sick, he simply won't be there fore you in the way you need, because he certainly isn't now. He sounds like a robot.

The only thing that's making you cry?*

Hi op. I'm also similar in that I didn't understand why people got so upset over lockdown. We had homes, wifi, health, food and yes it wasn't ideal and we missed out on things but also got a chance to relax and spend time with the kids. I also don't see the point of mulling over stuff you can't change. I did say words of support to friends who were down but didn't understand it. (Unless they couldn't see relatives etc)

Does he show any other weird behaviours? I got involved with a narcissist who's very much like this. If I say I'm not feeling well, haven't all day he ignores me and talks about himself. I once said I feel like people don't like me, I have no friends. He said what's it matter if people don't like you. Not I'm sure they don't. My dad's not in a good way, and he never offers kind words. When his 90 plus old grandad was ill and died he acted so strange, totally shut himself off, didn't talk to me for days and become really withdrawn.

My DH is a bit like this but I wouldn’t say he lacks all empathy - he rarely gets emotionally upset but he is affected by things like bereavements and will offer some sympathy. He doesn’t overdo things like though as he thinks it’s insincere.

He does have an ego and tends to think his way is better always. He’s also a fixer and can’t stand it when people cry (including me and the DC).

He has a bad temper which has got worse over lockdown and he doesn’t seem to realise how upset I get when he loses it, especially when he does it in public.
I can’t imagine leaving him but I am really unhappy with some of his behaviours. We have been together 20 years since late teens and these behaviours only started coming through in the last 5 years and once our DC were out of the toddler phase.
OP what are his parents like?
My FIL is very emotional and dramatic - opposite of my DH - but he also has a bad temper and likes to shout at MIL

@Sakurami are you really saying you wouldn’t be able to see why people would be upset over two imminent losses of loved ones?

Lockdown stress isn’t really the same thing at all, so it isn’t a useful comparison. Also, people who have shitty home lives/relationships struggle far more with lock down than people with good home lives.

www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/AfDD.shtml

"Affective Deprivation Disorder (AfDD) is a relational disorder resulting from the emotional deprivation sometimes experienced by the partner (or child) of persons with a low emotional/empathic quotient or alexithymia"

From the above link, you should have a read and see if it fits how you feel OP. I had a relationship with a human robot and it was soul destroying, no emotion at all, there was nothing internally, just blank. When my sister died he said "oh sorry, what's for lunch", never mentioned her again or asked how I was coping. So bit by bit I just stopped bothering if he was okay emotionally. I kept my emotional reserves for me. I'm sorry there is no easy answer for you and your DC.

Sorry you're going through this with your friend and gran. I can understand why is replies are upsetting and have been a bit of a light bulb moment as to how he is.

One thing I would say and I don't wnat this to sound harsh because you're upset... I syiu say you won't seperate as you don't want to do that to the kids. But honestly what do you think living with a dad with no empathy will do to them?

My own dad is pretty selfish and lacking inn empathy. So I can tell you from my experience it makes you feel shit. It's like you're not worth caring about that you don't deserve considering and empathy. When actually the person you expect it from just doesn't have it to give. It's had a huge impact on my self esteem.

Think about this for your children op.