DH lacks any empathy

[Exhaustedpenguin]

I'm sure I can predict what people will say but I'm wanting advice please, that isn't just telling me to leave him, because I'm not going to subject the DC's to a divorce.

At the moment I am very upset and scared because my grandma has been told she has a few weeks to live and my best friend has stage 4 cancer and the chemotherapy isn't working
My DH asked me in 2 separate conversations, why I was sad, so I told him.

For my grandma he said, "she looked fine last time I saw her. How do you actually know she's dying I told him the doctors have advised she go to a hospice for her last few weeks. He said, "I'll believe it when I see it, unless you've personally talked to the doctor, I'd stop worrying. He asked what grans plans were for Christmas and I said, she'll be dead by Christmas. He told me I was being pessimistic and walked away.

For my best friend I was crying and he asked what was wrong. After I told him I was scared she'll die he said, "I worry about climate change but I've realised there's nothing I can do about it, so there's no point you getting upset. Is that the only thing making you cry?"

This isn't an unusual reaction but the two things together have made me realise just how lonely I am because I can't talk to him about it. He knows he lacks empathy and I know I can't change him, but i just don't know how I can cope with this. I could talk to friends about it but it angers me that he asks how I am, but then dismisses my feelings completely. Does anyone else's DH behave this way?

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this @Exhaustedpenguin It's hard enough dealing with your grandma and your best friend, but to have no support from your partner, and in fact he's making it worse by aggravating you, that must be emotionally exhausting for you
My DH is exactly like this. One example which is similar to yours is about a year ago my brother was seriously ill and the doctors warned us he might not make it through the surgery, and mum and I were on the phone to each other crying. He asked me what was up and I told him, and all he could say was, "well you know how your mum makes everything seem worse than it is..." This after 50 years of my brother battling through severe epilepsy. Also, at the start of 2016 when so many people in the public eye were dying of cancer, I was waiting for test results to find out whether my thyroid tumour was cancerous (and it was,) I got home from my appointment to find dh was watching a video David Bowie had made about his cancer and the end of his life, and he proceeded to say, "watch this, it's amazing, it's so sad he's gone..." I was too upset and exhausted to say anything. But when anything happens in DH's life, stress at work etc, it's the end of the world and I have to drop everything to support him. It is draining. All the mental and emotional load from the kids is on me, he has no real attachment to them, and I feel like a single mother. And I'd rather be one. I know you say you don't want to put your kids through divorce, I don't either, but staying like this is not a good alternative. Do you think you can continue like this? x

So sorry that you’re going through all this @Exhaustedpenguin

My DP is like this too.

I also have a very close friend of 40 years, who is stage 4 cancer and dying. The treatment is basically just stretching the time out a bit for her, but I’m going to lose her at some point in the very near future.

When I told my DP, his response was “Well there’s nothing you can do about it, so no point getting upset”.

I still haven’t got over those words. All I wanted from him at the time was a comforting hug. He didn’t even need to say anything, just a hug would’ve been all that was needed, just to comfort me a little.

His attitude towards any illness or injury I may have, is that if I haven’t been hospitalised overnight or longer with it, then it isn’t serious. He has been in hospital many times and therefore to him, his illness/injuries always trump mine.
I just feel like there’s no point even going to him for any emotional support, because I won’t get it.

I’ve been nothing but supportive to him over the years and feel like I’ve had diddly squat back. At this point in time I really do feel mentally and emotionally exhausted by him. Because despite being in a relationship with that person, you couldn’t feel more lonely.

The irony is, he clearly does have some empathetic qualities somewhere inside him, because I’ve watched him buy hot meals and clothing for homeless people on many occasions. I’ve listened to him talk about the problems his friends are going through and how he has advised/talked to them.

So he isn’t incapable of showing empathy. Just seems he’s incapable of showing it with me.

So many sad stories. to you all.

My now exh is similar.

For those with children please remember that these relationships - which on the whole aren't loving and nurturing - are what you're modelling to your children as acceptable and what they should expect. Do you want them in the situation you're in?

Splitting up a family is a huge decision that I struggled with for years. But my dd16 now is seeing the lack of empathy etc from her dad, struggling with it, and understanding why I made the decision I did.

For me being a single parent is hard, but I'm less lonely and I'm happier without that dynamic which was in hindsight, damaging me.

How is he in social situations, OP? Does he have very set routines? Some of the behaviours you describe sound like autistic traits.

@Hont1986

How is he in social situations, OP? Does he have very set routines? Some of the behaviours you describe sound like autistic traits.

Agree . Autism was my first thought

@parrotonmyshoulder
Your post really resonated with me and I'm so sorry about the situation you and your DS are in. It was heart breaking to read. You mentioned you tried counselling but it didn't work. I've been considering insisting DH try counselling but maybe it would be a wiser investment to just pay for me to have some instead!

@Yellowcrockpot
You asked what attracted me to him - he is very romantic and used to be very loving. He's also a very good father when dealing with practical needs - making tea, ironing school uniform, taking them to the park. And God knows thst stuff is needed. It's just emotional stuff he fails in.

Someone mentioned a quiz to test empathy. I'm reluctant to do thst (despite really wanting to know!) for 2 reasons. 1- I might learn I've married a psychopathic mam incapable of warmth and 2- i really don't think it would make a difference other than labelling it. No - he's not autistic- I have first hand experience of many autistic people and it's not something I've seen any evidence of.

I just feel so bleak about the future for us as we get older and we're caring for parents etc. His family don't talk or listen, they only communicate by shouting, so it's easy to see parallels. Their anger and antagonism towards each other really frightened me when we were dating.

for everyone experiencing similar things, especially those trapped in their situations.

@Exhaustedpenguin
It not that counselling hasn’t worked at all. It just takes a long time. I have been having counselling on and off for a long time, currently a 3 + year stint with the same therapist. Before I started seeing her, I managed to get DH to attend a few sessions of couples counselling and that was awful, we didn’t get anywhere.
About 18 months ago, I was ready to leave. When I told him, he was devastated and wanted to try counselling himself. He’s been doing this ever since. Because this will have been the first time he’s ever really thought about ans talked about his own issues, I completely understand it will take time. But I don’t think he sees the impact on the children. I think he thinks it’s solely a marriage problem, not a family one.
His own family are terrible at communication. I hate being with them. There is blatant favouritism, which my DD (12) is now very aware of, no commitment, very selfish.

I haven’t had counselling over the summer and start back this week, so haven’t had a chance to talk about recent events. I think I will try asking him to do relationship counselling again, now that he’s had some practice at thinking about it.

@Exhaustedpenguin how are you doing?

@Exhaustedpenguin and others,
You have all been on my mind. My dh is away for a week. Weirdly, I have found it far easier to be attuned to my dc and feel more self contained alone, less lonely iyswim

Maybe I should accept that we cant stay together but it sounds so insignificant a reason to end it all

Emotional support and understanding are the foundations of a healthy relationship. This isn't minor. And if you don't subject your kids to a divorce, you'll be subjecting them to the example 'It's ok for your partner to treat you this way', and they will replicate your relationship when they're adults. You're not saving them from harm by staying together. Demonstrate to them that if a person is unhappy in their relationship, it's perfectly ok to leave.

I'm so sorry about your gran and your friend. That's so much to bear.