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Original poster

AIBU to not want to send cash gifts to DH’s relatives?

66 replies

Goodbee2052 · 02/09/2021 15:09

So DH is from a middle eastern country and he says that it’s part of the culture there to give gifts- and his family LOVE to receive them (but they NEVER give anyone gifts). His brothers wife recently had her 5th baby and he is pushing me to send her a cash gift of around €100. I’ve never spoken to this woman in particular, nor has she ever made any effort to contact me despite her being on DH’s payroll and him buying everything for her kids. DH financially supports his brother, the wife and their 5 kids regularly as the brother refuses to work. The brother has not contacted DH in 2 years because DH tells him every time to get a job. Despite this, DH sends him money and the brother requests money through his mother. He recently told DH his wife and kids are not allowed to speak to us because of DH telling him to get a job. The brother keeps getting his wife pregnant but has no intention of providing for them. The wife can’t work due to cultural reasons.

DH told me I should send her a cash gift this month when he sends his mother her monthly allowance. He just sent €850 to this brother between April and May and this is enough money to last them 5-6 months in their country. AIBU to not want to send this woman money from my own savings which I need for myself? I was very sick recently. I had a septic miscarriage and not one person from his family text me to ask after my health, so I’m feeling very resentful and petty.

I’ve already agreed to send a cash gift to DH’s mother and his other brothers wife. So I feel that’s enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodbee2052 · 02/09/2021 15:12

I want to add- none of them called to ask about my health but they did call to tell me they hope I get pregnant again soon, right after my horrific experience with sepsis and losing my baby.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 02/09/2021 15:13

I’d refuse point blank to ever send any of your personal money to any of his family.

Tell him he has no business telling you how to give gifts. His family do not know you or speak to you or send you gifts why would they expect anything from you?

I’m from a similar culture to your husband. And the wife’s money is her own her husband has no right telling her how to spend it.

Peace43 · 02/09/2021 15:14

Why should YOU send them anything? If he wants to spend his own money on sending cash to his relatives (Assuming you don;t have joint finances) then he can go ahead. I wouldn't be sending my cash to my Hs relatives. I might buy beloved in-laws presents off my own back (and have done) if I wanted but this isn't that sort of a situation.

frazzledasarock · 02/09/2021 15:15

Also, do you really want this for the rest of your life like this with your husband sending thousands of euros back to his family and pressures you for your savings too?

You’re going to end up hating him and his family when you see the massive difference between their lifestyle funded fully by you and your own.

Unless obviously your husband is minted and you have no money worries.

Hoppinggreen · 02/09/2021 15:15

He’s off his rocker and you would be to do this
Also, I am very sorry for your loss

summertime202 · 02/09/2021 15:18

Ohhh I'm surprised you allowed this to go on for so long! I wouldn't send anything! Especially from your savings!!! If your DH wants to send his family money. He should work overtime or get an extra job and pay that way! Why should you be in financial troubles because his brother had a 5th child! Use the money to treat yourself! Seems to me that your DH is taking advantage of your kindness. I'd put a stop to it!

PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 15:18

Don't send any of your money.

Can you and your husband afford to regularly send money to his family? Does it mean you have to go without?

I couldn't live with this tbh.

Howshouldibehave · 02/09/2021 15:18

I wouldn’t send any of my money to his family.

I really don’t think I would have married him to be honest.

PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 15:23

I agree @Howshouldibehave. I wouldn't either.

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 15:25

I wouldn't have married him either, and if he asked me to use my own personal money, I wouldn't stay married to him, either!

TheWoleb · 02/09/2021 15:26

What are you going to do if you do have kids? They'll be going without something so he can support his whole bloodu family.

I'd cut my loses and run from this family. I really sont understand why someone would choose to marry into this mess.

Mybestgirl · 02/09/2021 15:31

They wouldn’t get a cent from me!

Chloemol · 02/09/2021 15:32

I wouldnt be sending any of my money to any of his family

End of discussion

Original poster
Goodbee2052 · 02/09/2021 15:46

@frazzledasarock

I’d refuse point blank to ever send any of your personal money to any of his family.

Tell him he has no business telling you how to give gifts. His family do not know you or speak to you or send you gifts why would they expect anything from you?

I’m from a similar culture to your husband. And the wife’s money is her own her husband has no right telling her how to spend it.

I agree with what you said. It’s just that DH has a huge heart, he’s incredibly givingand if he could he would give every last penny to his family and they would happily take it along with the clothes off his back. I don’t want anyone to think that DH is selfish and taking my money, he’s not.

DH insists they’re incredibly poor. But they own a huge house (5-6 bedrooms + large compound). I definitely need all of the money I have saved which isn’t much (around €2000) and I’ve earmarked €150 of this for as a gift for his mother and one of the brothers wives who is very young with one baby. I wanted to willingly send a small donation to a poor widow who is living in a neighboring house (a kind neighbor let her and her kids live there). DH insisted I send this widow less so that the brothers wife would get a portion of what I send. I know the widow needs it much more since DH’s brother and wife own their home plus they have several small parcels of land where they grow their own produce. But DH keeps insisting I send a gift to the other woman because she just had her 5th and if I don’t send it, he will. I flat out told him I don’t want to send her anything and he said I must hate the woman. He’s already given her enough over the last 6 years so I feel very resentful. Plus I think it’s unreasonable of them to keep having kids they can’t provide for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodbee2052 · 02/09/2021 15:50

@PyjamaFan

Don't send any of your money.

Can you and your husband afford to regularly send money to his family? Does it mean you have to go without?

I couldn't live with this tbh.

We don’t buy anything for ourselves outside of paying the rent + food. We can’t afford to send it technically because we want to save to buy a flat but he is obliged to send it, otherwise he would feel incredibly ashamed and lose the respect of his other, wealthy half brothers for letting his lazy brother + wife + kids go without. But they definitely won’t starve since they have their own little farm. I suggested they sell their house to earn money to provide for their kids and DH said this sort of mindset is incredibly capitalist of me.
OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 02/09/2021 15:51

Wow, what a miserable life you seem to have signed yourself up to. I feel sorry for you. I would hate to be married to a man like this.

Original poster
Goodbee2052 · 02/09/2021 15:56

@summertime202

Ohhh I'm surprised you allowed this to go on for so long! I wouldn't send anything! Especially from your savings!!! If your DH wants to send his family money. He should work overtime or get an extra job and pay that way! Why should you be in financial troubles because his brother had a 5th child! Use the money to treat yourself! Seems to me that your DH is taking advantage of your kindness. I'd put a stop to it!
I know this is really cruel of me but I was dreading that his lazy brother would soon announce that his wife gave birth again. They didn’t announce it to us because he thinks so little of my husband who he never speaks to but happily takes his money. I was in shock that they had another because they can’t feed the other 4 or buy clothes for them. Because that means another financial burden for my husband.
OP posts:
PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 15:59

OP This is a ridiculous way to live. And it's going to carry on as long as you stay with this man.

Do you really want to be struggling for the restvof your life while bankrolling his extended family?

This is financial and emotional abuse.

summertime202 · 02/09/2021 16:04

Oh lovely, it sounds to me like your DH is very generous and kind (like you say) but only to his own family and puts them as a priority before you!
I would say to him that no more money will be going out of the household from now on! If his family are struggling they should get jobs!
See how he reacts.. just look after yourself a little and make sure they're not taking advantage of you. Sounds like his entire family and your DH are taking major advantage of you! Look after yourself and your finances. The next thing you'll know .. your 2k savings will be in another country

DismantledKing · 02/09/2021 16:04

He doesn’t have a ‘huge heart’. He’s just a prick who doesn’t want to lose face in front of his family.
He doesn’t give a toss what you think.

PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 16:05

Absolutely. This is all about looking like the big man with his family and the rest of their community.

DismantledKing · 02/09/2021 16:05

So many doormats on Mumsnet. 75%of problems on here could be solved by people just learning to say ‘no’.

Hoppinggreen · 02/09/2021 16:06

Goodbee I’m sorry but I think you need to reconsider your marriage to this man.
He is hassling you to send money to his Dick of a brother who is procreating with no thought about how to support his children while you are recovering from losing your baby. He is at best insensitive
This will be your life if you let it.
This is not a cultural expectation of gift giving, this is utter piss taking and your DH sounds like he’s playing the big man when he can’t really afford it.

idontlikealdi · 02/09/2021 16:08

Yeah fuck that. Keep your money, he can send his.

I grew up in ME, no way on earth would I have married into that. Those of my peers that did have all ended up miserable for varying reasons, money being a primary one.

frazzledasarock · 02/09/2021 16:08

OP your husband doesn’t have a big heart. He has an enormous ego.

He’s sending money home that he can’t afford and is unable to provide for his own wife and family as a consequence because he wants to swagger and strut in front of his family that he’s so very rich and paying for his lazy arse grown man brother and wife so they look up to him. They don’t they never will. They see him as a cash cow and a mug.

My best friends husband did this. For many years he sent every last penny home and wouldn’t even give my friend any money beyond the tiny amount he spent on food the flat etc friend lived in belonged to her father. Friend years down the line has lost any love she had for her husband and despises him.
She now works and is a good earner and her husband is forever trying to make her send her money home. But rightly she’s holding on to her money as she is raising their DC and is the sole bread winner.