Page 2 | AIBU to not want to send cash gifts to DH’s relatives?

Goodbee2052 · 2021-09-02T14:09:24+00:00

So DH is from a middle eastern country and he says that it’s part of the culture there to give gifts- and his family LOVE to receive them (but they NEVER give anyone gifts). His brothers wife recently had her 5th baby and he is pushing me to send her a cash gift of around €100. I’ve never spoken to this woman in particular, nor has she ever made any effort to contact me despite her being on DH’s payroll and him buying everything for her kids. DH financially supports his brother, the wife and their 5 kids regularly as the brother refuses to work. The brother has not contacted DH in 2 years because DH tells him every time to get a job. Despite this, DH sends him money and the brother requests money through his mother. He recently told DH his wife and kids are not allowed to speak to us because of DH telling him to get a job. The brother keeps getting his wife pregnant but has no intention of providing for them. The wife can’t work due to cultural reasons. DH told me I should send her a cash gift this month when he sends his mother her monthly allowance. He just sent €850 to this brother between April and May and this is enough money to last them 5-6 months in their country. AIBU to not want to send this woman money from my own savings which I need for myself? I was very sick recently. I had a septic miscarriage and not one person from his family text me to ask after my health, so I’m feeling very resentful and petty. I’ve already agreed to send a cash gift to DH’s mother and his other brothers wife. So I feel that’s enough.

Tal45 · 02/09/2021 16:10

Wow how did you get yourself into this relationship? It's seems that your DH has a huge heart for everyone except you. Not only does he give away his money to his family he's now expecting you to start giving yours away too. You need to keep all your money so you can save up to leave and have a proper life where you can afford to do things.

frazzledasarock · 02/09/2021 16:12

My brother in law bought a house in this country to live in. When is parents discovered how much it cost, they told him to sell it and give them the money. My sister was so scared she and her kids would end up homeless.
Her PIL’s reasoning they could move in with my parents.

These type of people are leeches and will bleed you dry if you let them.

PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 16:15

@frazzledasarock

Did he manage to resist his parents? Your poor sister.

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 16:16

Why don't the rich brothers provide for the lazy one, then?

frazzledasarock · 02/09/2021 16:18

Think at that stage the scales had fallen from BIL’s eyes. He’d worked shit hard to be able to afford that house. And my sister was SAHM (her choice), so there was no other income coming in. And he was so so proud of his new home and when he told his parents he was visibly hurt by their response.

There was a point where BIL asked for my sisters savings but my dad had transferred the money to time locked savings so wasn’t happening.

PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 16:19

How sensible of your Dad.

All this shows why we should all have our own money and bank accounts!

thelionqwueen · 02/09/2021 16:24

It’s just that DH has a huge heart, he’s incredibly giving

Yeah not when it comes to you though, he takes your money for others to spend.

Plumtree391 · 02/09/2021 16:27

This is terrible. I am so, so sorry.

Your miscarriage must have been horrendous as well as heartbreaking but please don't be in any rush to become pregnant again.

LoislovesStewie · 02/09/2021 16:28

I don't care where he's from or what is done in his culture, but I would tell him that in my culture a man looks to care for his dear partner or wife first. I'm sorry, but I just wouldn't go along with this. You are being treated as though you are second best and always will be.

Original poster

Goodbee2052 · 02/09/2021 16:28

@thelionqwueen

It’s just that DH has a huge heart, he’s incredibly giving

Yeah not when it comes to you though, he takes your money for others to spend.

His family have a habit of asking for him to send cash gifts. I told him it’s not normal for people to ask, they shouldn’t expect gifts from others. This is the first time he has asked me if I’d like to send that woman a gift because she just gave birth. I said no a couple of times and just feel pressured. When he goes to send the money next week I’ll say I’m not sending it and stand my ground. Every other time, it’s been his own money and he’s also sending his own money next week.

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PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 16:31

OP Do you have an escape fund that he doesn't know about? If not then I suggest you start one ASAP.

Original poster

Goodbee2052 · 02/09/2021 16:32

Some of the replies I got are really warming and kind. I’m kind of upset at the others saying my husband is a leech, he’s not. He pays for everything for us and I was able to save this €2,000 because of that. He never before took my money to send to his family. But this month when we heard that his brothers wife gave birth again, he told me I should send her a gift. I said no over and over so he said he’ll send it himself with his own money. I just feel like the amount of money I have is incredibly little and plus I don’t know the woman.

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readingismycardio · 02/09/2021 16:32

So they own a 5 bed house and you rent and can't get a house/flat because he's frittering away thousands on his brotner who won't work? That'd be a deal breaker for me

thelionqwueen · 02/09/2021 16:34

When he goes to send the money next week I’ll say I’m not sending it and stand my ground

Good, don’t let him pressure you, it’s your money well earned.

PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 16:34

He's not a leech but he's not putting you first. His priority is looking rich and important to his family and enabling them to brag about him to others.

Have you thought about finances if you have children with this man? Will he continue to give away so much meaning that your children have to go without?

Ionlydomassiveones · 02/09/2021 16:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster

Goodbee2052 · 02/09/2021 16:37

@HollowTalk

Why don't the rich brothers provide for the lazy one, then?

1 of them has invested about €5,000 in livestock for him so he can trade them in their town. Another one bought him thousands of euros worth of tools for roofing and he sold the tools and kept the money. They all have kids of their own and multiple wives. It seems to be a thing in their collectivist culture to put others before their immediate families. Because their adult sons often come to my husband asking for money too.

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TicTac80 · 02/09/2021 16:37

First off, I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and illness. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been to go through. Im sad that your in laws haven’t cared enough to ask after you and see how you were.

Second..,The wife won’t work for “cultural” reasons?! My family is from the ME, and - amongst my family and peers anyway - it’s normal for the women to get educated and work. And none of this nonsense of the BIL not working and taking money from his brother!! The BIL should be ashamed for not working. I’d understand if he was unable to work due to illness (or being a carer of a sick relative) but if he is fit/well and no other issues, then no excuse.

Save your money. He wants to hand his own out to all and sundry then he can go for it…but not when you guys can’t afford it and not when the BIL is more than capable of working but just CBA.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 02/09/2021 16:38

I agree with PPs that this is a mess and it’s hard to know what to say because ultimately the question is why on Earth you married someone who sends large amounts of money to other people when he has his own family? No way in hell would I be ok with that. You and any future children will always have less because of it, how can you choose that for a child? If you’re happy to stay in a relationship with this set up then you may as well hand over you’re own money because money he hands over should have been family money anyway so what’s the difference? Are you really ok with a man who would send money to his lazy relatives rather than spend or save it for his family? If so then I’m not sure what anyone on here can say..,!

LoislovesStewie · 02/09/2021 16:42

Many years ago I lived next door to a family where the wife was a Filipina. She insisted that her husband had to work overtime so that she could send money home to her family. In effect, she nagged him. He ended up working every weekend as well as day shifts in the week. She also insisted they needed a bigger house. He ended up off work sick with exhaustion and a very unhappy man.
You aren't living the life you should because he is keeping others in the manner in which they want to be accustomed and to me that is wrong.

summertime202 · 02/09/2021 16:47

From reading your replies to everyone, it sounds to me that you are happy with the amount of money he sends to his family on regular basis.. you're just not happy to send anything to this woman you've never met!
If it was me ... no money would be going out of my household to ANY of them .. regardless of who's income it is .. your husbands income should be coming in your own household! Should be invested in things for you and him only.
If you are living comfortably then the money should be spend on your holidays/ treats etc not to his lazy family.

Hoppinggreen · 02/09/2021 16:48

@Goodbee2052

Some of the replies I got are really warming and kind. I’m kind of upset at the others saying my husband is a leech, he’s not. He pays for everything for us and I was able to save this €2,000 because of that. He never before took my money to send to his family. But this month when we heard that his brothers wife gave birth again, he told me I should send her a gift. I said no over and over so he said he’ll send it himself with his own money. I just feel like the amount of money I have is incredibly little and plus I don’t know the woman.

He wants a woman who has just lost a baby to send a woman she hardly knows money because she has had her 5th baby? He’s a fucking idiot

Elieza · 02/09/2021 16:49

Sorry to hear of your miscarriage OP. I hope you are feeling a bit better since that sad time.

My friend also married outwith her own culture to a man who sent money back to his family in a developing country all the time. The menfolk were expected to work and the women to do childcare or work locally if no babies. The money was treated like family money between all of them and dished out within the family. But none ever came back to my friend and hubby.

It’s nice to help others in need, but this meant that he had no money of his own and relied on her for everything as he’d given everything away. So she effectively paid for all the food, clothes, petrol, outings etc for him and bankrolled his family (of strangers as none had met her or were interested as she was outwith their culture and religion and he was told repeatedly to rip up the paper marriage and marry a good local girl).

They made no effort to better their financial position but it was a cultural and honourable thing that he felt he had to do and could not stop. He was so used to obeying his parents he couldn’t break away. It’s a cultural thing.

It was one of the reasons for the downfall of the marriage. He prioritised his parents wishes about all things over his own or hers. She now has savings of her own and is happy alone.

He ended up living in a tiny rented bedsit eating potnoodles so he could continue to send 90% of his earnings home. And then he emigrated. Probably still doesn’t own a home.

PumpkinPatch21 · 02/09/2021 16:51

No. Don't give her anything when he questions why, tell him exactly what you told us.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP Please use that £100 to treat yourself to something nice.

Original poster

Goodbee2052 · 02/09/2021 16:58

@Elieza

Sorry to hear of your miscarriage OP. I hope you are feeling a bit better since that sad time.

My friend also married outwith her own culture to a man who sent money back to his family in a developing country all the time. The menfolk were expected to work and the women to do childcare or work locally if no babies. The money was treated like family money between all of them and dished out within the family. But none ever came back to my friend and hubby.

It’s nice to help others in need, but this meant that he had no money of his own and relied on her for everything as he’d given everything away. So she effectively paid for all the food, clothes, petrol, outings etc for him and bankrolled his family (of strangers as none had met her or were interested as she was outwith their culture and religion and he was told repeatedly to rip up the paper marriage and marry a good local girl).

They made no effort to better their financial position but it was a cultural and honourable thing that he felt he had to do and could not stop. He was so used to obeying his parents he couldn’t break away. It’s a cultural thing.

It was one of the reasons for the downfall of the marriage. He prioritised his parents wishes about all things over his own or hers. She now has savings of her own and is happy alone.

He ended up living in a tiny rented bedsit eating potnoodles so he could continue to send 90% of his earnings home. And then he emigrated. Probably still doesn’t own a home.

Thank you for sharing that. That is so incredibly sad, for both of them. What a miserable existence to live. That man is setting himself to keep others on fire.

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