AIBU to not want to send cash gifts to DH’s relatives?

[Goodbee2052]

So DH is from a middle eastern country and he says that it’s part of the culture there to give gifts- and his family LOVE to receive them (but they NEVER give anyone gifts). His brothers wife recently had her 5th baby and he is pushing me to send her a cash gift of around €100. I’ve never spoken to this woman in particular, nor has she ever made any effort to contact me despite her being on DH’s payroll and him buying everything for her kids. DH financially supports his brother, the wife and their 5 kids regularly as the brother refuses to work. The brother has not contacted DH in 2 years because DH tells him every time to get a job. Despite this, DH sends him money and the brother requests money through his mother. He recently told DH his wife and kids are not allowed to speak to us because of DH telling him to get a job. The brother keeps getting his wife pregnant but has no intention of providing for them. The wife can’t work due to cultural reasons.

DH told me I should send her a cash gift this month when he sends his mother her monthly allowance. He just sent €850 to this brother between April and May and this is enough money to last them 5-6 months in their country. AIBU to not want to send this woman money from my own savings which I need for myself? I was very sick recently. I had a septic miscarriage and not one person from his family text me to ask after my health, so I’m feeling very resentful and petty.

I’ve already agreed to send a cash gift to DH’s mother and his other brothers wife. So I feel that’s enough.

@TicTac80

First off, I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and illness. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been to go through. Im sad that your in laws haven’t cared enough to ask after you and see how you were.

Second..,The wife won’t work for “cultural” reasons?! My family is from the ME, and - amongst my family and peers anyway - it’s normal for the women to get educated and work. And none of this nonsense of the BIL not working and taking money from his brother!! The BIL should be ashamed for not working. I’d understand if he was unable to work due to illness (or being a carer of a sick relative) but if he is fit/well and no other issues, then no excuse.

Save your money. He wants to hand his own out to all and sundry then he can go for it…but not when you guys can’t afford it and not when the BIL is more than capable of working but just CBA.

Thanks so much for your comment. I should say for context, in the town where DH is from, it’s the norm for the women to stay at home and not many pursue further education or finish high school. I think he has mentioned 2 or 3 women he knows who did go to university, as well as himself being the only university graduate in his family. I always suggest that the women in his family could put their cooking skills to use and open a small cafe or bakery but his family is just want them to look after the kids at home and they have no interest in studying. They look forward to getting married and having kids. But he’s definitely not against me studying or working. In his town the people are mostly manual laborers who work abroad and save enough to build houses back home.

I totally agree the brother should be mortified of what he’s doing. I bet he is, that’s why he’s too arrogant to speak to his brother who sends him money.

How infuriating. I wouldn't be facilitating any of the cash giving and frankly I'd be seriously considering whether I could remain married to such a wet blanket who was happy to support his brothers excessive number of offspring rather than focussing on his own family unit.

Cultural expectations or not, his family are toxic and he needs to stand up to them.

@Plumtree391

This is terrible. I am so, so sorry.

Your miscarriage must have been horrendous as well as heartbreaking but please don't be in any rush to become pregnant again.

Thanks so much. So glad that people here understand. I spoke to my SIL who I thought understood as she went thought similar but she also told me she hopes I get pregnant soon and give them a beautiful blue eyed baby.

None of your business don’t get involved in this sending money business. Am from the same culture and I stopped sending because it’s about receiving to them they never give

@PumpkinPatch21

No. Don't give her anything when he questions why, tell him exactly what you told us.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP Please use that £100 to treat yourself to something nice.

Thanks so much; that’s so sweet of you. I really wanted to buy myself a new outfit for my new job but my jaw dropped when DH said I have enough clothes and I should send her money instead. I’ve lost so much weight that my clothes don’t fit. I became really sour and told him I feel I’m not important to him because he sends them money all the time but we have to save every penny.

@letsmakethishappen

None of your business don’t get involved in this sending money business. Am from the same culture and I stopped sending because it’s about receiving to them they never give

This is so true, I told him last week that it’s not my problem that she keeps popping out babies. There’s so many others there who are really struggling and actually need money.

She likely keeps popping out babies because she doesn't have access to reliable contraception. Remember that.

@Guineapigbridge

She likely keeps popping out babies because she doesn't have access to reliable contraception. Remember that.

That’s true and I know she’s under pressure from those around her to keep popping them out and that she can’t just leave and go find work. There are organizations where she lives which provide free contraception and I’m sure she knows about it and could ask. So I think it’s a conscious choice because children are a status symbol for her.

@Goodbee2052 go out and get yourself a whole new wardrobe missus! End of the day, it's your money your earning. If he wants to send his own money - let him, but you're not their blood relatives you shouldn't be expected to go without for them. Don't tell him just go and have a lovely day shopping. Please OP sounds like you need this.

I'd get out now, because it will only get worse. I had a friend who was married to an Indian man who wanted them to start planning to retire early to India. They went out there to look for somewhere to live and she realised very quickly that if they lived there they'd end up financially responsible for the entire extended family, all of whom looked to her husband for money — even though she'd worked all her life and half of everything they had was hers. They eventually retired to a place in Spain, but not before she'd insisted that she had total control of the finances.

You choose to think of your husband as kind, but if you turn that around a bit you might be able to see how disrespectful he is towards you. Leave now, otherwise you'll sacrifice your own happiness and comfort to a life working to uphold his reputation as the big, successful man who supports a dozen greedy relatives in order to uphold his family name. This family honour thing is so bad for women.

Send them a box of condoms. Now that would be money will spent.

@PumpkinPatch21

Send them a box of condoms. Now that would be money will spent.

I’m so tempted to tell DH I’ll send them a CRATE of condoms but I know I’d get myself into trouble

I'd also be looking to get out now because he will keep on doing this at both his and your expense. His over heightened senses of obligation and guilt (no doubt further led by relatives who see all people in the West as being wealthy) is also behind his desire to send money back to his feckless lazy brother; its not just cultural mores that is driving this.

How can all of the family be on your DH's payroll, if they live in another country?

To trot out a MN classic, you don't have an in law problem, you have a DH problem. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, as a PP said, take that money and treat yourself, you deserve it

Can you agree with DH a financial plan for yourselves with targets/expectations eg by end of 2022 have saved a deposit for a 3 bedroom house and bought house with purchase price £300-£350k
2025 big trip home £4k
2042 pay off mortgage
Or whatever your goals are

Then agree he will send home 10% of his income or however much you jointly agree.