Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive

[BethanyDeanna]

Hi everyone,

This is a last resort I guess and it’s hard to talk about. I have been in a relationship with my partner for nearly 3 years and I have tried to leave him twice. But we got back together both times. I tell my friends and family the way that he treats me, they always tell me that he is emotionally abusive - and that I don’t see it because I’m too involved so I am reaching out to you guys to see what your thoughts are.

His behaviour is very questionable. It always seems to be his way or no way. He has treated me badly over the past few years. He tried to sleep with my best friend and I have caught him talking to other girls on a number of occasions, he tells me that I am paranoid and that I need to forgive him and let it go so we can move on and be happy together. He lies to me a lot, and when I catch him out he constantly asks me if I am still in love with him. Recently we have started saving for a house deposit and he refuses to put the money in a joint account because he gets a better interest rate. He said if I ever left him I wouldn’t see any of the money.

On top of the above he always says that I don’t love him enough and he thinks I’m going to leave him. It’s like he is constantly looking for reassurance all the time.

The first time we split up he harassed me for months after to the point where I had to report it to the police.

I often question whether he is actually emotionally abusive towards me or whether I’m just very unhappy in the relationship and won’t leave because I’m a bit of a people pleaser and I have trouble saying no to people. Also have a bit of a problem when it comes to letting things go.

Help !

Thank you,
LD

Oh dear. Do you need to ask...

Please secure your house savings pronto!!

And read this: Women Who Love Too Much (it's much better than the stupid title suggests...).

Hopefully it'll wake you up and make you run for those hills.

Get out of this tomorrow.
Leave
Run

Why are you staying? Do you think this is all you are worth?

He lies, tries to sleep with your friends and harasses you. What does he give to the relationship?

Go with your instinct and it's clear you have red flags waving - just don't ignore them

@decoratedstandardlamp

Get out of this tomorrow. Leave Run

Why are you staying? Do you think this is all you are worth?

I think I stay because I worry about hurting his feelings. Like, and I guess I grieve over the loss of the relationship. I just question on whether it’s me that’s the problem because I don’t have the confidence to leave. Or whether it is him being abusive. I’m a shadow of my former self since being with him. Do you have any advice on how I can build to confidence to leave ?

He tells me that he puts all his effort into the relationship, and he puts more into our savings than I do etc. I guess he does my really add anything to it emotionally. Sex life is none existent anymore, I feel nothing but guilt around him. I’m just so unhappy

I feel like I need to be more confident - in order to leave. I don’t like who I have turned into since being with him. Thank you for your reply I appreciate it :)

Thank you I will definitely give it a read xx

Sweetheart, you will be so much better without him. You sound very unhappy.

I think you need the confidence, to rebuild yourself, and that starts with leaving this arsehole.

Please have more love and respect for yourself OP

LD you don't need confidence to leave, just pack a bag and go. Do you have a friend or family who can help you?

Please contact woman's aid. The confidence will come later. This man is treating you appallingly and you are wasting your life with him. When you leave don't tell him where you are/ change your number and block him on everything.

It definitely won't be easy but after time you will come through this. Lots of luck 💐

Thank you 🙏 I appreciate this xx

I am extremely unhappy at the moment. Like I feel like I’m going crazy and I question everything that I do. Just want to feel at peace again

Thank you 😊 I appreciate your kind words xx

Seriously? He is taking the absolute piss and you need to get rid of him. He's a cheat, a liar and you are miserable. And you aren't even getting a shag out of it! What on earth are you doing wasting a single second of your precious time on this loser? It doesn't even matter one iota if he is abusive, or just an arsehole, honestly just tell him to fuck off and you'll report him to the police if he harasses you again!

Peace will come once you exit this relationship. Think about your own well-being.

He is gaslighting you on top of other abuse.
Gaslighting is one of the worst forms of emotional abuse and this happening in itself should already be enough to leave.

I also think you would benefit from counseling to help yourself establish healthy boundaries.

I don’t know much about gaslighting - I think it might be too hard for me to see it being in the relationship. Is this him making me think it’s my fault all the time ? Xx

Yes, he’s manipulating you into questioning your own thoughts.

You need to get away from him. You're feeling confused because you're hearing one thing and seeing another. He's insisting on his reality being your reality. That is one hundred percent abuse and he's crushing you as a person. You get confidence by leaving and learning again to do the things you love.

That’s the definition of gaslighting.
It’s making you second guess yourself and doubt your own reality all the time.
It’s widely used by abusers as a tactic to control and manipulate their victims and keep them small so to speak. I first read about it after reading up on my abusive mother’s behavior and it really opened my eyes. And once you know, you start to recognize the behavior and see them for what they really are. I highly recommend googling it and reading about it.

You won't get more confidence in this situation. Once you leave you will bloom.

What family do you have? Can you pack and go quickly and quietly?

Get your money ... stop giving him your money...

Leave and do not look back..

this man will take control of your money.. your emotions.. your social life.. your freedom... your right to say no..

he is an emotional vampire who will not stop until you are completely broken and compliant to his every desperate need..

PLEASE LEAVE ASAP 🌸

I do have friends and family. The problem is at the minute he lives in my house. I pay all the bills and rent. I need him to leave the house. I maybe could ask my friends to help me move his stuff out. Taking the initial step is the hardest ! Thank you everyone for your kind words and replies - it has helped me a lot

It's your house? And his name isn't on the mortgage/rental contract?
While he's at work, his belongings go out the front, the locks get changed and you threaten (with the complete intention of following through) to call the police if he dares make the tiniest bit of fuss when he finds out what has happened.