Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive

[BethanyDeanna]

Hi everyone,

This is a last resort I guess and it’s hard to talk about. I have been in a relationship with my partner for nearly 3 years and I have tried to leave him twice. But we got back together both times. I tell my friends and family the way that he treats me, they always tell me that he is emotionally abusive - and that I don’t see it because I’m too involved so I am reaching out to you guys to see what your thoughts are.

His behaviour is very questionable. It always seems to be his way or no way. He has treated me badly over the past few years. He tried to sleep with my best friend and I have caught him talking to other girls on a number of occasions, he tells me that I am paranoid and that I need to forgive him and let it go so we can move on and be happy together. He lies to me a lot, and when I catch him out he constantly asks me if I am still in love with him. Recently we have started saving for a house deposit and he refuses to put the money in a joint account because he gets a better interest rate. He said if I ever left him I wouldn’t see any of the money.

On top of the above he always says that I don’t love him enough and he thinks I’m going to leave him. It’s like he is constantly looking for reassurance all the time.

The first time we split up he harassed me for months after to the point where I had to report it to the police.

I often question whether he is actually emotionally abusive towards me or whether I’m just very unhappy in the relationship and won’t leave because I’m a bit of a people pleaser and I have trouble saying no to people. Also have a bit of a problem when it comes to letting things go.

Help !

Thank you,
LD

Change the locks when he’s out one day. He has no rights to live there. Get your friends and family round. Just move him out. Stop giving him money

Why are you with him?! He’s abusive and wants you to “need” him. It’s YOUR house, not his. Have a couple of friends or family members round who can help pack his stuff whilst he’s out. Leave the stuff outside. Change the locks. Wait inside with your friends/family until he goes away.

Never mind his feelings run you’ve got a life don’t live it with this low life.

It’s great you’re posting here because your inner voice is telling you this isn’t right. I think you could do with a bit of asking yourself some questions - like why do you need to please him so much? Why is pleasing others more important to you than being happy and having the life you want? What do you think is so bad about living your own life? Why is it more important to be miserable and please others than to please yourself? Do you believe it’s wrong somehow to want things for yourself?

The saving thing is terrible especially as it sounds like your giving him money to ‘save’ that’s going into his account AND he isn’t contributing to the bills etc now! You’ll never see that money again in all likelihood and no wonder he can save more than you if he’s not even paying towards rent now!

Doesn’t that make you angry? Isn’t it outrageous he is manipulating you into paying his way and giving him money to ‘save’? Money i’m assuming you work hard for! I think you don’t just need to find your confidence, find your anger.

@BethanyDeanna - you are a grown woman!! You need to act like a grown-up. No one is going to come and rescue you...

Where is the money you have been 'saving for a deposit'? Your first step is to secure that.

Then change the locks while he is out.

Pack up his belongings and leave them on the doorstep or have them sent to a friend or relative's of his.

And stop saying 'maybe I could do this or that'. Just do it and then focus on building up your self-esteem. Counseling would definitely be a good idea.

@BethanyDeanna

I do have friends and family. The problem is at the minute he lives in my house. I pay all the bills and rent. I need him to leave the house. I maybe could ask my friends to help me move his stuff out. Taking the initial step is the hardest ! Thank you everyone for your kind words and replies - it has helped me a lot

Yes do this... you are seeing the light... well done... yes get friends and family round to get him gone... try getting your money back but he'll likely refuse.. can you prove you paid it.. is it ALL in his account.. the bastard has stitched you up ..

Good luck getting rid OP 🌸

YOU DON'T NEED HIS PERMISSION TO BREAK UP WITH HIM

As others have said - remove his stuff and change the locks.

Your bf sounds like my soon to be ex husband. The blame shifting (he turned everything around to be my fault), the gas lighting (telling me I was emotionally unstable when in fact he was the moody one), the controlling (I wasn't "allowed" to do or talk about certain things because they would upset HIM). In short, my role was to manage his emotions and never do or say anything to cause him anxiety.

My brain was in a fog and I could not see that he was emotionally abusive until I finally said "enough" and separated from him.

Please get yourself a copy of "Why Does he do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. This helped me realize that I was in an abusive relationship.

Also, see how he's using his words to make you feel guilty? They are JUST words! They mean NOTHING! Look at his actions. Abusers are experts at saying the right words to keep us hanging on. It's like they throw us a bone when they feel us pulling away, and it lures us back in. Hope is a powerful tool, and they throw us crumbs to keep that hope alive.

Please keep posting here and know that we all have your back!

Hey, @BethanyDeanna. A year ago now this could have been me writing this EXACT post which is why I needed to comment.

I have been you, I remember waking up every day hating my life, feeling completely trapped because of the relationship I was in.
I never felt good enough for him and I probably would never have been due to his warped perception of love.
I had no confidence and I barely recognized the insecure, needy, weak girl looking back at me in the mirror. No matter how many times he hurt me by cheating, flirting, interacting with other girls, I became so weak and normalized to his manipulative ways, that he could cry his way out of it. It's a vicious cycle.

No one could have told me anything about it though, my family and friends hated his bones but I was in his corner the entire time.

Then one day it was like a switch clicked and I realized I deserve so much better than the "love" he was offering me and that I was settling for. I didn't want that for myself anymore. He also lived with me and I felt horrendous that if I asked him to leave, he would have nowhere to go (mine didn't have a great relationship with family).

But I can tell you, it was the best thing I have EVER done and I promise you, it gets better, so, so much better.

I'm 25, single, living back home with my mum but I don't wake up miserable anymore and that's worth every single thing that I left behind!

You can do this, even if you don't believe you can, I believe in you and you have an army of strong people behind you. Hugs

@ArabellaStrange

It's your house? And his name isn't on the mortgage/rental contract? While he's at work, his belongings go out the front, the locks get changed and you threaten (with the complete intention of following through) to call the police if he dares make the tiniest bit of fuss when he finds out what has happened.

^ this. I was in a relationship exactly as you describe, mine didn't try to cheat (afaik) but everything else was the same. I tried leaving but he won me round twice, the third time I left while he was at work. If it had been my house I would have done what Arabella suggests. And if he kicks off get the police involved. When he continues to harass you just ignore, ignore, ignore. He'll get the hint eventually. Be strong, you can do this

Do you want to feel like this for the next 20, 30 years? With your confidence drained and your youth gone.
If this is how you feel being with him and you have felt like this for the majority of the relationship then it's irrelevant whether he's 'abusive' or not (he IS btw).
I know it's hard to see the wood for the trees but maybe think about getting some counselling to give you the boost you need to kick this man to the kerb and get on with living your fabulous life. You only get one. Don't waste it on a domineering bully. Listen to your family and friends.

Yes, he most definitely is abusive, and yes you do need to split up with him. The fact that it's your house makes it a lot easier to kick the bastard out.

The very first thing you need to do is work out exactly how much money in this joint account is yours and move it out immediately. Ask your bank to open a savings account in your sole name and put it in there. If he wants to know where the money's gone, just tell him you are doing the same as him and have found an account with a better interest rate.

Plan, and plan quietly. Get all your friends and family on board - it sounds like they would be only to glad to help you get rid of him, and you might want to ask a couple of them to be at the house with you when you tell him it's over and he has to move out.

If he gets aggressive, violent or harasses you in any way, or you feel scared, call the police straight away.

Your life will be so much better without him.

Do you have any advice on how I can build to confidence to leave?

I think you build the confidence to do it by doing it. Maybe see it as a physical action and do that action.

You can build confidence by telling yourself that you can. That you have no other option then to leave because you deserve better.

Unfortunately you cannot stitch up a wound with a knife still in it. You have to take thr leap and get out and cut contact before your confidence can be rebuilt.

And fuck his feelings. He is an utter douchebag.
Love yourself hon, enough to protect yourself from monsters.

It isn't clear from your post where your savings actually are. If you can access them move them right now. If they are in an account that only he controls you are going to have to invent an emergency - ideally something he can't argue with, e.g. relative in trouble and it will be paid back very soon. That way he can't argue against giving it back to you and thinks that you are going to put the money back soon.

As soon as you have it, pay for a locksmith first. He has no right to reside in your home, none at all. Get rid ASAP.

You build confidence by taking action.

How much of your money has gone into the so-called 'account with better interest'? You might have to write it off.

If he has no legal claim on the house get some burly friends round to back you up when you tell him to leave. Do you mean he pays nothing towards rent and bills?

Oh god, so him and his revolting family are completely misogynistic and believe a woman’s sexuality is a man’s to own - charming. And at the same time, they don’t hold their little Prince to the traditional standards of being a provider and think it’s fine for him to live in your house and let you pay all the rent and bills. Amazing what a benefits being born with a penis can provide you with.

Him and his family are women hating abusers, they’ve raised their son to believe he’s superior to women. No woman can have a happy relationship with a man like that.

My dear, he makes you feel awful

You’ve had to call police to get him to stop harassing you

He’s tried to shag your friends

He’s saving money that you won’t ever see

And there is no sex

It honestly doesn’t matter if categorises as abusive or not, he’s an awful person to know and not one you want to be with

So be your own best friend and end this relationship

Keep saving for your own home. Don’t ever move in with him.

You can (and should) end any relationship if you’re not happy

Just seen you let him move in.

Get your friends to help move him out

Don't ever make the mistake of worrying about hurting the feelings of a man who clearly doesn't care about yours.

He's a leech and would be off like a shot without the free place to live and the woman who gives him money for a house he will never buy with her.

Please read what you've said about him, and how you feel, and imagine someone you love is telling you those things about their relationship. What would you advise them to do?

He tried to sleep with your friend for goodness' sake! For most people, that in itself would be enough reason to never see him again. Why would you stay with someone who values you so little?

He abuses you in so many ways. He doesn't care about you or your feelings. Why on earth do you care about his? Please please find your strength and tell him to leave. Better still change the locks while he's out. Get some friends around and put his stuff outside. Don't engage or explain. You don't have to. He knows he treats you badly, he's just seeing how badly he can get away with.