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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't like my DH

54 replies

Iyawa · 30/08/2021 07:50

I've been thinking a lot. After several years of problems and marriage counselling, I have finally realised that I just don't like him and that can't really be fixed can it.

We have marriage counselling again this week and I don't know how I I'm going to articulate this without sounding hurtful.

I don't like his loud breathing
I don't like his constant fidgeting
I don't like his obsession with food
I don't like the amount he binge drinks when we go out
I don't like the sound of his voice
I don't like his hair style
I don't like his dress sense
I don't like his avoidant personality
I don't like his fixation on other people and gossip
I don't like sharing a bed with him
I don't like his unhealthy lifestyle
I don't like the way he undervalues me and takes me for granted
I don't like his messed up priorities
I don't like his lack of joy
I don't like his mother
I don't like his sister
I don't like the way he taps me repeatedly when we hold hands or cuddle
I don't like the way he stands in my personal space all the time
I don't like him asking me so many questions
I don't like the dynamics of his friendships
I don't like the way he zones out a lot
I don't like his lack of self awareness
I don't like always having to be in control
I don't like having serious conversations with him
I don't like his lack of contribution to the emotional and physical load with DCs
I don't like his lack of empathy
I don't like his smelly farts in the morning that make me want to leap out of bed
I don't like how he sweats so much at night but refuses to use a lighter duvet
I don't like that he refuses to plan for the future

I'm guessing most of you reading this will think I'm a horrible person for everything I dislike about him. But this sort of thing can't be fixed can it?

How on earth do I articulate this without offending him when last time we went to marriage counselling, she told us there was "hope?"

OP posts:
Eileen101 · 30/08/2021 07:52

I don't think you're a horrible person, I think you've got the ick. Does he know any of this or would he be taken by surprise to hear it?

cultkid · 30/08/2021 07:54

Dump him he sounds minging and has no respect

You can take control of some of the things
Change the duvet

Why the hell does he fart with you in the bed? That is foul

PersonaNonGarter · 30/08/2021 07:56

Well, you’ve lost respect for him. And tbf he sounds annoying.

But, you are a part of the problem, which you know. So go to counselling with a more open attitude. Then you can also be part of the solution - whatever that may be.

Original poster
Iyawa · 30/08/2021 07:56

I definitely have the ick.
He knows some of it. He thinks I'm irritable and intolerant 😪

OP posts:
GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 30/08/2021 07:57

Make another list of things you like about him .... because you need to stay on respectful and kind terms for the kids.
Then get a separation started . You’ve got the ick and you need some space x

Debetswell · 30/08/2021 07:57

Tbh I think if you want to leave him then causing offence is a given.
Be open that for you the marriage is over.
If asked why then don't give the long list but cite his lack of empathy, taking you for granted and refusing to plan for the future.

Those 3 alone would be enough for most people.

Original poster
Iyawa · 30/08/2021 07:58

He moved out last year for 3 months, which I thought had solved the ick problem, but it's back again.

OP posts:
cultkid · 30/08/2021 07:59

Don't sleep in the bed with him

Go on a date see if it helps

If it doesn't

End the marriage

Sounds like he has no dignity

Original poster
Iyawa · 30/08/2021 08:06

Good points:
He's fantastic practically at home (or in other words, he does his fair share) but will do more if I'm unwell or tired.
He is mostly very calm on the surface
He is never aggressive
He is loving towards DCs
He's very respectful towards other people (sometimes when they don't deserve it though)
He makes nice meals
He buys me thoughtful birthday and Christmas gifts
He is good at DIY
He always offers me cups of tea
He works hard
He's intelligent

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 30/08/2021 08:11

Can you look at your 'dont like' points and mark which ones you could live with and which ones are deal breakers?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 30/08/2021 08:14

I think it's over really. I felt exactly the same about my exH for about 10 years before he finally left because I refused to touch him anymore. I don't know why I hung on for so long. I guess I was afraid of what the future would hold.
Its an absolute relief now that he has gone.

twinningatlife · 30/08/2021 08:18

If I'm being honest a lot of the things you dislike are pretty superficial - he can hardly help how he breathes now can he? 🤷‍♀️ he's also not responsible for his mother and sister

Your list of things that you actually do like about him is actually more meaningful

Alcemeg · 30/08/2021 08:19

Just say you're sorry, but your heart's not in it any more.

JustAnother0ldMan · 30/08/2021 08:25

If I was your husband and you presented me with that list, or articulated it in some manner I think that there was probably nothing about me you liked and it’s over,
If you wanted to keep the marriage going, maybe drop the ones you cannot do anything about (voice, family), but sounds like a lost cause really, sorry

Leverover · 30/08/2021 08:25

Didn’t you know about the superficial things before you got married?

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2021 08:35

It sounds like you’re done with him

arethereanyleftatall · 30/08/2021 08:37

I don't think you're horrible at all - I think you have made an enormous effort to keep a marriage together when you clearly have got the ick. I don't think there's any going back from the ick.

Can you divorce?

ittakes2 · 30/08/2021 08:48

You clearly do not like or love him so please set him free so he can find someone who does.

LittleRedPill · 30/08/2021 08:49

I think it’s over OP.

He doesn’t sound like a bad person at all but if you don’t like him - it’s curtains isn’t it?

I would separate and think about how you can effectively co-parent together.

Not just for you but for him. If he’s basically a decent bloke, he deserves a partner who isn’t making lists of the 2 dozen plus reasons they don’t like him.

Cam2020 · 30/08/2021 09:03

You're not a horrible person at all, this is often what happens when a relationship has run its course. To be honest, i don't think this is salvageable.

Original poster
Iyawa · 30/08/2021 09:06

@LittleRedPill

I think it’s over OP.

He doesn’t sound like a bad person at all but if you don’t like him - it’s curtains isn’t it?

I would separate and think about how you can effectively co-parent together.

Not just for you but for him. If he’s basically a decent bloke, he deserves a partner who isn’t making lists of the 2 dozen plus reasons they don’t like him.

I agree with this.
OP posts:
category12 · 30/08/2021 09:13

It doesn't matter what his good points are, you don't like him anymore and are repulsed by him.

The kind thing is not to keep this going, but to end it.

You don't have to list everything you hate about him to him, or to a counsellor, or be horrible about it, you just need to say something like "I've realised I don't feel the right way about you anymore, the love is gone and there's no way back, we need to work out how to split as amicably as possible from here".

SmileyClare · 30/08/2021 09:20

Some of your good points seem to contradict the bad? For example, he's kind, thoughtful, respectful and does his fair share at home yet he's controlling, lacks empathy and leaves the physical and emotional load to you at home. Confused

For whatever reason, you seem to be physically repulsed by him and have lost respect for him. And he feels the same? I assume you're not having sex? Something has died between you.

Unless you're honest about your feelings during counselling sessions then there a waste of time and money. You're too worried about hurting his feelings and perhaps too worried about your counsellor's opinion of you to confront this.

Blessex · 30/08/2021 09:29

There is no going back from this. Those things you wrote may SOUND superficial but they aren’t. If you are really not liking things like how he breathes then there is no love left. You don’t even like him let alone love him. No amount of trying to will get over that. You either love/like someone or you don’t. It’s not always that logical.

LemonTT · 30/08/2021 09:30

I think you need to take responsibility for wanting out of the marriage. It’s childish and unkind to draft up lists of things that you don’t like about him. It’s says a lot about you and in my mind not good things.

This is about you. Own that and tell him you want to end the marriage. There doesn’t need to be a game of blame or a score card.

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