I don't like my DH

[Iyawa]

I've been thinking a lot. After several years of problems and marriage counselling, I have finally realised that I just don't like him and that can't really be fixed can it.

We have marriage counselling again this week and I don't know how I I'm going to articulate this without sounding hurtful.

I don't like his loud breathing
I don't like his constant fidgeting
I don't like his obsession with food
I don't like the amount he binge drinks when we go out
I don't like the sound of his voice
I don't like his hair style
I don't like his dress sense
I don't like his avoidant personality
I don't like his fixation on other people and gossip
I don't like sharing a bed with him
I don't like his unhealthy lifestyle
I don't like the way he undervalues me and takes me for granted
I don't like his messed up priorities
I don't like his lack of joy
I don't like his mother
I don't like his sister
I don't like the way he taps me repeatedly when we hold hands or cuddle
I don't like the way he stands in my personal space all the time
I don't like him asking me so many questions
I don't like the dynamics of his friendships
I don't like the way he zones out a lot
I don't like his lack of self awareness
I don't like always having to be in control
I don't like having serious conversations with him
I don't like his lack of contribution to the emotional and physical load with DCs
I don't like his lack of empathy
I don't like his smelly farts in the morning that make me want to leap out of bed
I don't like how he sweats so much at night but refuses to use a lighter duvet
I don't like that he refuses to plan for the future

I'm guessing most of you reading this will think I'm a horrible person for everything I dislike about him. But this sort of thing can't be fixed can it?

How on earth do I articulate this without offending him when last time we went to marriage counselling, she told us there was "hope?"

If you were single would you date him?

Sounds like no but you wouldn't know about a lot of the superficial annoying stuff. Most people will have ticks that annoy when you live together, even best friends etc.

I would look deeper, if you were set up on a blind date with him, actually blind as in these tv shows where you can't see their appearance, could you love his personality? Obviously you could just stay single no need for a new partner but my point was 90% of the population would annoy you when living together.

Does sound like you don't love, respect or desire him though which would signal it's over

@shakeitoffshakeacocktail

If you were single would you date him?

Sounds like no but you wouldn't know about a lot of the superficial annoying stuff. Most people will have ticks that annoy when you live together, even best friends etc.

I would look deeper, if you were set up on a blind date with him, actually blind as in these tv shows where you can't see their appearance, could you love his personality? Obviously you could just stay single no need for a new partner but my point was 90% of the population would annoy you when living together.

Does sound like you don't love, respect or desire him though which would signal it's over

It's not superficial annoying stuff... did you read the list of things?

Half the stuff on it are things done by every person including OP, she just doesn't like being around him anymore. It has nothing to do with him as a person anymore. The marriage is over, OP hates her husband, you don't come back from that.

The reasons are no longer relevant, you just don't love him anymore. It's sad but you'll have to let him go, you're both miserable.

Wouldn't your kids prefer happy but separated parents, rather than together in misery with no love?

Oh dear, as others have said, when it gets to this stage I don’t think there is anything left to salvage. I’m afraid many of these don’t likes were on my mental list about my exDH. The breathing, the bed sweating, the farting, his lack of appreciation of how much more I did around the house …. and many more besides (I didn’t like the way he walked up the stairs, or the way he cleared his throat!!!) I recoiled at his touch. I was short tempered all the time. There was very little sex and not much affection from me. I knew I was being unreasonable and unkind and I felt guilty and sorry but when I told him it was over and he suggested counselling I had to be honest and say it was too late. My heart wasn’t in it and there was nothing to salvage. He accepted that and I moved out. It was painful as we have children but I knew he would be happier and treated much better by someone else. He has many excellent qualities and sure enough he is happy with a new GF. And I am happy with my new DP. The kids have adjusted as well as can be expected. I actually live around the corner from my ex and mostly we get along pretty well. We even send each other stupid jokes as we did share a similar sense of humour and have many shared things we both find funny. Now the kids can see us both in loving affectionate relationships without bickering and nit picking. One of my worries and reasons for finally ending it was that I worried about the adult relationship we were modelling for our children. I didn’t want them to think bickering and lack of affection and respect were things to aspire to or which became normal to them. I wanted better for them. And for me. And for him too. It wasn’t easy but I think if you’re at the stage you describe then counselling isn’t going to make this right. My advice, for what it’s worth is to call time and let everyone move on.