Page 2 | I don't like my DH

SimoneSimone · 30/08/2021 09:34

His good points are things useful to you, that allow you to put up with his bad points, whilst secretly hating him. Do him and yourself a favour and get divorced.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 30/08/2021 09:38

Looking at the pro list and the con list, this man is perfect as a friend only. Divorce and be happy. Keep him as a friend. Counselling sessions may ease him into the friendzone and that will make it all so much easier.

You have the ick. It never goes.

ttcissoboring · 30/08/2021 11:13

It's over OP, unless he was to make some radical changes - which he probably won't.

There's an exhaustive list that I just don't think he would likely be willing to fix.

But if he did maybe you could be happy again so although you may feel unkind telling him what you don't like - I'd see it as a last shot to give him the opportunity tho change.

At least you can hand on heart walk away saying you did all you can.

Youknownothingsnow · 30/08/2021 11:27

I fart in bed, I hope it’s not on a list somewhere!

Seriously though, I think you should focus on an amicable split and co parent dc.

category12 · 30/08/2021 11:47

There's an exhaustive list that I just don't think he would likely be willing to fix.

But if he did maybe you could be happy again so although you may feel unkind telling him what you don't like - I'd see it as a last shot to give him the opportunity tho change.

But a lot of it is stuff he simply can't change (breathing, sound of his voice, his mother, his sister), or are parts of his personality, or would involve tons of effort/therapy (lack of self awareness, self-medicating with alcohol/food, avoidant personality)

And the chances are, even if he did go through the list and change himself with monumental effort, she still wouldn't like him.

Northernparent68 · 30/08/2021 12:27

Would you describe yourself as a critical person ?

so750 · 30/08/2021 12:32

It's probably over, but you could try sleeping in separate rooms (if you have space). That might help.

Northernparent68 · 30/08/2021 12:33

@ttcissoboring

It's over OP, unless he was to make some radical changes - which he probably won't.

There's an exhaustive list that I just don't think he would likely be willing to fix.

But if he did maybe you could be happy again so although you may feel unkind telling him what you don't like - I'd see it as a last shot to give him the opportunity tho change.

At least you can hand on heart walk away saying you did all you can.

Alternatively the OP could change and start being more tolerant and less judgmental.

OssieShowman · 30/08/2021 12:40

Did you copy my list?
Oh wait, I like his sisters, his mother was mostly Ok.

category12 · 30/08/2021 12:42

Alternatively the OP could change and start being more tolerant and less judgmental.

I just think she has The Ick and the relationship is dead in the water.

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2021 13:58

@Iyawa

I've been thinking a lot. After several years of problems and marriage counselling, I have finally realised that I just don't like him and that can't really be fixed can it.

We have marriage counselling again this week and I don't know how I I'm going to articulate this without sounding hurtful.

I don't like his loud breathing
I don't like his constant fidgeting
I don't like his obsession with food
I don't like the amount he binge drinks when we go out
I don't like the sound of his voice
I don't like his hair style
I don't like his dress sense
I don't like his avoidant personality
I don't like his fixation on other people and gossip
I don't like sharing a bed with him
I don't like his unhealthy lifestyle
I don't like the way he undervalues me and takes me for granted
I don't like his messed up priorities
I don't like his lack of joy
I don't like his mother
I don't like his sister
I don't like the way he taps me repeatedly when we hold hands or cuddle
I don't like the way he stands in my personal space all the time
I don't like him asking me so many questions
I don't like the dynamics of his friendships
I don't like the way he zones out a lot
I don't like his lack of self awareness
I don't like always having to be in control
I don't like having serious conversations with him
I don't like his lack of contribution to the emotional and physical load with DCs
I don't like his lack of empathy
I don't like his smelly farts in the morning that make me want to leap out of bed
I don't like how he sweats so much at night but refuses to use a lighter duvet
I don't like that he refuses to plan for the future

I'm guessing most of you reading this will think I'm a horrible person for everything I dislike about him. But this sort of thing can't be fixed can it?

How on earth do I articulate this without offending him when last time we went to marriage counselling, she told us there was "hope?"

You don't need to list it.

'I don't love you anymore ' will do

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/08/2021 14:13

How on earth do I articulate this without offending him when last time we went to marriage counselling, she told us there was "hope?"

"Ive been thinking hard and want to do the best thing for all involved, which is why I've come to the conclusion that I can't remain in this relationship. I am not in love with you as a partner any more but respect you as a parent and want us both to focus on healthily separating so we can prioritise coparenting. We have both tried to make it work and not simply given up, but the time has come to make a decision and this is mine."

Don't list the reasons why as you've already disengaged emotionally. It's cruel to drag it out any longer or to over explain the reasons.

Be clear and firm. This is the shit bit, but it's necessary for a healthier longer term.

Original poster

Iyawa · 30/08/2021 16:29

Just to expand a little:
The heavy breathing at night is being caused by weight gain as it wasn't there until a couple of years ago when he gained weight. It's very loud and often wakes me up at night.

The lack of priorities has been a huge issue which is a whole other thread. But, there have been times where I've needed him, we have needed him but personal pursuits have taken priority through choice. I've found it difficult to forgive and move on from some of the past decisions that have been made.

I believe that although he is not aggressive, there is a lot of passive aggression going on. Obstructive behaviours, sulking, refusal to engage, underhanded criticisms of the tasks that have been left to me. It's exhausted me and I feel mentally head fucked at times. But it's difficult to point out/address as its always so subtle.

Spending a lot of time with him leads to feelings of wanting to be away from him and many irritations.

OP posts:

category12 · 30/08/2021 16:30

Just split up with him.

RandomMess · 30/08/2021 16:32

You just need to be straight and say it's over you don't love him anymore and there is zero attraction and although you can co-parent with him there is no friendship left either.

Original poster

Iyawa · 30/08/2021 16:33

I have researched and planned for separation before. I'm scared of what the future holds. When I communicate that I want to separate, he always convinces me to give it another go. He's wonderful for a few weeks, but things then slip again. Or he presents as the doting, understanding and sensitive husband in counselling and all looks promising 😔

OP posts:

category12 · 30/08/2021 16:42

@Iyawa

I have researched and planned for separation before. I'm scared of what the future holds. When I communicate that I want to separate, he always convinces me to give it another go. He's wonderful for a few weeks, but things then slip again. Or he presents as the doting, understanding and sensitive husband in counselling and all looks promising 😔

But you're not obliged to go round and round in circles with him just because he says a lot of stuff you've heard and tried before. You know it doesn't last, that he backslides and you've done counselling before.

Are you afraid to be the "bad guy" by calling it a day?

dreamingbohemian · 30/08/2021 16:42

I don't think you're terrible at all. Even once you include the good points, he doesn't sound like someone I would want to be with.

Everyone has bad points that we need to just overlook but not that many and to that extent.

But it would be unkind to share that list exactly. I would just tell him that you have given it a lot of thought and you are not happy and nothing can change that.

So what if the counselor thinks there is hope, she doesn't have to live with him. You can decide on your own you don't want to.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/08/2021 16:43

@youvegottenminuteslynn

How on earth do I articulate this without offending him when last time we went to marriage counselling, she told us there was "hope?"

"Ive been thinking hard and want to do the best thing for all involved, which is why I've come to the conclusion that I can't remain in this relationship. I am not in love with you as a partner any more but respect you as a parent and want us both to focus on healthily separating so we can prioritise coparenting. We have both tried to make it work and not simply given up, but the time has come to make a decision and this is mine."

Don't list the reasons why as you've already disengaged emotionally. It's cruel to drag it out any longer or to over explain the reasons.

Be clear and firm. This is the shit bit, but it's necessary for a healthier longer term.

Can you follow this sort of script and then afterwards stick to "ive made my mind up and I appreciate that it might not be what you want but I'm 100% sure so we need to plan finances, homes and most importantly how to healthily coparent moving forwards." And rinse and repeat.

WildFlowerBees · 30/08/2021 16:45

I think you're being very honest which is good. Perhaps counselling could now be about how to separate rather than change how you feel about him.

RandomMess · 30/08/2021 16:54

Be blunt in counselling.

We've been here before so many times, you convince me to stay, you are different for a couple of weeks and make out you are this doting husband during our sessions. I'm done no more 2nd chances.

Shelddd · 30/08/2021 17:13

Its normal to be annoyed by a few things your partner does... You're different people... But ya when you're annoyed by their very existence then it's time to go.

LemonTT · 30/08/2021 17:25

@Iyawa

I have researched and planned for separation before. I'm scared of what the future holds. When I communicate that I want to separate, he always convinces me to give it another go. He's wonderful for a few weeks, but things then slip again. Or he presents as the doting, understanding and sensitive husband in counselling and all looks promising 😔

The decision to stay or go is yours. All your posts are blaming him for your lack of initiative. You don’t want to be married and he can’t make you stay. It’s not his fault. It’s no ones fault.

I find your criticisms to be no different from the man who rewrites history to blame the wife for their decision to leave of cheat.

Inevitably this will turn into a toxic relationship if it isn’t already. Neither of you will be victims.

He doesn’t want to end the marriage but you do. That’s a recipe for disaster if you don’t act. You have agency and you can’t expect him to be responsible for giving you what you want.

nuro · 30/08/2021 17:36

Anyone in marriage counselling for years is flogging a dead horse IMO.
You've done your time, it's ok to walk away from the marriage.

Shelddd · 30/08/2021 17:48

@nuro

Anyone in marriage counselling for years is flogging a dead horse IMO. You've done your time, it's ok to walk away from the marriage.

Marriage counselling has its place. When 2 people love and absolutely adore eachother but aren't communicating effectively and repeating the same annoying issues.. but want to improve their marriage.

But ya its not there to save a marriage where you despise your partner and hate your marriage.