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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sad to contemplate future alone but also not sure I want a relationship

51 replies

SaminSeptember · 29/08/2021 20:04

Nc for this. Been single a few years now, and it's the calmest I've felt and happiest in myself, after a stressful abusive marriage and a couple of crap dating relationships since. Sometimes though I miss things about a relationship, the laughs and the companionship. But what I don't miss is having to be accountable to someone else, being let down, having to compromise, sharing a bed. I don't want to live with someone ever again because I think women end up doing more of the work, I prefer my own space and I don't want to look after a man. OTOH it feels sad to never be open to love again. Has anyone else felt this way? Cant decide if I'm just traumatised by the bad experiences and even then how to overcome that

OP posts:

Lessthanaballpark · 29/08/2021 20:06

I feel exactly the same. I love being independent but do get tinges of sadness seeing happy families everywhere.

MMMarmite · 29/08/2021 20:08

Maybe, in time, you could find someone who also wants to live separately? Get the best of both worlds. There's no reason that all relationships have to fit a certain model.

Original poster

SaminSeptember · 29/08/2021 20:10

Thanks Lessthanaballpark it helps to know I'm not alone in the confusion. Honestly struggling to weigh up what I want

OP posts:

Original poster

SaminSeptember · 29/08/2021 20:12

Thanks MMMarmite I can see the appeal more of a relationship where you live separately. But there's still the emotional ups and downs and the difficulty trusting. Maybe that changes if its the right man, I really don't know.

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Somethingscoming · 29/08/2021 20:14

In exactly the same boat - finally getting myself sorted and don’t want to risk that again for someone who will at worst be a loser and at best need me to compromise too much. But it can be really lonely at times x

Rocktheboat87 · 29/08/2021 20:17

You said you are happy being single, so therefore enjoying life. So seeing families perhaps is less you wanting what they have but perhaps more about seeing what others have and self doubting yourself. There is no harm in just saying I want to enjoy being myself without having to answer to anyone else, wonder when they want to eat, go to sleep etc.

Life, society, films, tv all say we must be with someone. So ignore all that and do what you want :)

Shamsa03 · 29/08/2021 20:18

After a abusive relationship the peace I feel is bliss and I never want to be in a relationship ever again. I don't miss anything.

Feelingfree · 29/08/2021 20:19

I too feel the same. Single for 5 years now {mid 50s}. I have a busy life and love being single but miss a few bits of being in a relationship. I would love to meet someone who is happy to live separately and meet perhaps twice a week and go on the odd holiday/weekend away together. If such a man exists I’ve yet to find him.

However, having being married for nearly 30 years I would also be sad to think that was as good as it gets.

Booboobadoo · 29/08/2021 20:22

I'm interested in the responses to this. Been single for aeons after a series of abusive relationships. I don't trust myself to choose well. But have also generally been happy single and doubt my ability to compromise or wish to consider someone else. I also just don't trust men. I do feel envious sometimes about couples though

helentomelon · 29/08/2021 20:23

I feel exactly the same way. I KNOW I'm better single. Calmer, more confident, sleep better, better parent. But I don't know if I want to come to the end of my life and be alone.

I don't know the answer. I'm sort of thinking of I'm meant to be with someone then they'll cross my path and it will be obvious. But I'm not actively looking or hoping for it

Original poster

SaminSeptember · 29/08/2021 20:34

There a quite a few of us then! Hi to you all and thanks for the replies.

Sometimes I do think I don't want my exh to be the main relationship I've ever had, but that's no reason to go into something else is it.

I would love to meet someone who is happy to live separately and meet perhaps twice a week and go on the odd holiday/weekend away together. If such a man exists I’ve yet to find him.

Yes. It feels like this is something that older women often want but generally men don't, and that just reinforces my feeling that they get more out of relationships than women do overall.

I'm sort of thinking of I'm meant to be with someone then they'll cross my path and it will be obvious. But I'm not actively looking or hoping for it
Makes sense. Plus it would have to be somebody really great for it to be worthwhile. I don't think this will happen for me - partly because I wfh- and sometimes I feel sad that it's unlikely, but not that I necessarily want to try to do something about it at the same time.

OP posts:

Peace43 · 29/08/2021 20:37

I’m in a relationship of 2 years and we don’t cohabit nor do we plan to. Best decision ever!

olivethegreat · 29/08/2021 20:40

I've the same background and feel the same. Essentially I'm happy being single but do get a bit lonely - I think I need more single friends too.

I'm tackling it by getting a dog

Lessthanaballpark · 29/08/2021 20:41

reinforces my feeling that they get more out of relationships than women do overall.

I think that’s probably right. Housework was always a point of contention with my ex because we both hated it but somehow it was ultimately down to me

I feel like I know myself so well that I don’t want to compromise by letting anyone into my life full time. But part time might be nice!

Original poster

SaminSeptember · 29/08/2021 20:47

olivethegreat I could do with more friends and more social life actually. A pet is a really good idea- I can't because of my lease- but can see how that companionship would be really nice.

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Martha52 · 29/08/2021 20:49

Me too. I was widowed 10 years ago (at 40) and I’ve had two relationships (and a few non-starters) since then. My most recent relationship just ended a few days ago. I’m sad and I know I’ll endure bouts of loneliness in the future but there’s no way I’m opening myself up to any man ever again. I’ve been hurt too often.

I was so cautious and careful in my last relationship, making sure he was kind, caring and respectful and not too demanding. He was all those things...... until he wasn’t. 🙄 A whole year of being a wonderful sweet man and only recently has he shown his true colours - blaming me for his anxiety and stress, criticising me, withholding affection etc. It scares me that it can take so long to see the real person underneath the lovely romance. I’m not willing to devote that kind of time and effort into any relationship ever again. The risk of them turning out to be actual assholes is too high.

Teatimes2 · 29/08/2021 20:49

After coming out of a 5 year relationship earlier this year after discovering he'd never been in love with me, I would find it hard to trust another man and plan on staying single. I'm mid 40s now. Before this I'd only had a 2 year relationship in my 30s. I was always very happy when I was single; in fact, I've come to realise that I've always felt calmer and more myself when not in a relationship.

JustAnother0ldMan · 29/08/2021 20:55

There are men who want this kind of relationship, I’m one, I don’t think I would want to live with anyone again, but what’s outlined above sounds good to me,

Original poster

SaminSeptember · 29/08/2021 20:57

Teatimes2 I would find it hard to trust again too and feel more myself when single too. I think I bend too much in relationships and find them stressful to deal with.

Martha52 Sorry your relationship didn't work out. I've had similar experiences, where I thought someone was nice and then was badly mistaken. It hurts and is a big time investment, easier to invest that time in yourself and not have the stress of it all. Good on you for having had the courage to give it a try though.

It was after a particularly bad experience that I just gave up dating at all a few years ago and am far more at peace. But there's a very small part of me that wants to have hope and believe in romance and love.

OP posts:

Original poster

SaminSeptember · 29/08/2021 20:58

That's interesting JustAnotherOldMan At least you know you've got a potential market for that!

OP posts:

AlfonsoTheMango · 29/08/2021 21:00

I feel the same.

TomAllenWife · 29/08/2021 21:11

I got divorce in 2012
Had some really shit online dating experiences

Met a guy, told him I had no interest in ever having a relationship and it was just sex
Never wanted to live with anyone again

3.5 years on we've just got engaged and bought our first house
I am head over heels in love, he's is so good to me, and my dcs I adore him

Original poster

SaminSeptember · 29/08/2021 21:17

Sounds like it turned out to be a happy surprise in your case then TomAllenWife Congratulations on your engagement and house!

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JustAnother0ldMan · 29/08/2021 21:22

@SaminSeptember

That's interesting JustAnotherOldMan At least you know you've got a potential market for that!

I think there are probably far more men like this than you probably realise, some may be referred to as wanting something casual or avoiding commitment, but I know quite a few divorced men (like me), who don’t really want to get in to a ‘full time “ relationship, again, but would still like meet someone

Ceriane · 29/08/2021 21:22

Sounds very similar to me. I’ve been single for a few years, was in and out of relationships in my twenties, been single for most of my thirties, and the calmest I’ve been in a long time. On one hand I want to find love more than anything and on the other I don’t want any relationship to rock the boat with my mental health ever again and I like my life, don’t want the wrong person coming in and messing it all up.

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