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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Birthday disappointment

53 replies

Sadbirthdayfish · 28/08/2021 11:48

Today is my birthday and my DH doesn't 'do' birthdays/Christmas etc. It stresses him out. Disappointing usually but I've made an effort to buy myself some little bath things, got a lovely gift from my mum, my kids made cards and blew balloons up, nice day trip planned, so I thought I'd got a positive day sorted out. Yesterday evening he got progressively more drunk on his own without me ever seeing a glass in his hand. I got up bright and early this morning (ok his 6am work alarm that he'd forgotten to switch off woke me) to make myself a birthday breakfast. I stepped on his wet clothes on the floor, he'd fell asleep fully clothed at 9pm. I realised he'd wet our bed in the night and simply removed his piss soaked clothes dumped them on the floor and carried on sleeping in the puddle. He's in a terrible mood very hungover and it's nearly lunch time and he's not even said happy birthday to me yet. I feel constantly close to tears but I'm trying to make it a nice day for our kids who get really excited about birthdays. It's not a one off I've suspected he has a drink problem for a while. I don't know why I'm posting, I've read posts like this and thought, well just leave, but it feels so overwhelming and complicated I don't know where to start. We've been married a really long time, could marriage counseling work? Do I want to bother?

OP posts:

Blueuggboots · 28/08/2021 11:51

Well that's just shit isn't it?!
Happy birthday!! Leave him to it. Take the children out somewhere and enjoy your day.
Then tomorrow, sit him down calmly and discuss. It is not normal for grown men to drink so heavily that they wet the bed.
My OH isn't fussed about birthdays but always makes an effort on my birthday because I am fussed! That's called loving someone.
Sorry your day didn't start off great.

Wheelerdeeler · 28/08/2021 11:52

Take the kids on the day out. Leave him behind. If he wants to join say you'd rather he didn't and you will talk to him tnw. That you want a nice day with kids.

Tmw lay your cards on table.

It's not about your birthday. It's about his drink problem

bloodywhitecat · 28/08/2021 11:52

Happy birthday, birthday twin!

Counselling could work but he would need to want to change his habit.

SquirryTheSquirrel · 28/08/2021 11:53

That's awful. Can you and your DC go out and have the day trip without him?

Happy birthday - I hope you manage to make something of the day.

girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 12:00

Happy birthday! I hope you have a lovely day without him.

Counselling will only work if he admits there's a problem.

BigGooseyLucy · 28/08/2021 12:01

Happy birthday!

How upsetting ! If I was you I'd get the kids and be on my way and have a great time without him!

Don't come home u til you have done everything you wanted to do and have had dinner out with the kids and then make sure you've got yourself some nice treats and drinks to have to yourself tonight that you will not share with him and let him fend for himself for dinner

Original poster

Sadbirthdayfish · 28/08/2021 12:03

Thanks everyone, I wish I had left him at home, stupidly I didn't thinking it would all be ok if we just got out.

OP posts:

BigGooseyLucy · 28/08/2021 12:05

@Sadbirthdayfish

Thanks everyone, I wish I had left him at home, stupidly I didn't thinking it would all be ok if we just got out.

Don't worry, go out with the kids without him tomorrow and don't even invite him

category12 · 28/08/2021 12:06

We've been married a really long time, could marriage counseling work? Do I want to bother?

But it's not a relationship problem, it's a him problem.

He has an alcohol problem.
Plus a being an arsehole problem.

What does it matter if he's not into celebrating birthdays? If your partner is, you make the effort for them because you want to make them happy.

Happy birthday. Take the kids out and leave him to it.

FiveShelties · 28/08/2021 12:09

I would struggle to get past him wetting the bed.

You deserve better.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 28/08/2021 12:09

You live with a man who gets so drunk that he pisses his bed and sleeps in the piss?

FiveShelties · 28/08/2021 12:10

Forgot to say Happy Birthday, mine is 27tn August

Shoxfordian · 28/08/2021 12:13

Happy Birthday
Give yourself the present of filing for divorce

DifferentHair · 28/08/2021 12:14

That's horrible OP.

Birthday or not, wetting the bed due to drinking is disgusting.

He's not a functioning adult at this point, is he? It's a serious problem.

Counselling is probably a good step, not that there is anything wrong with you- but to get him in front of an expert and also to help you navigate what you need and want.

JackieQueen · 28/08/2021 12:26

Happy birthday op, hope you have a decent day, sorry you are having to put up with such bad behaviour.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 28/08/2021 12:32

Oh @Sadbirthdayfish happy birthday! I'm sorry it's been a bit shit.

Marriage counselling is unlikely to work because it's not your relationship that's the issue it's the fact he's an alcoholic. You can't cure him and until he addresses it then this is how things will be. Are you ok waking up in a bed where he's pissed himself and slept in it? Are you ok with him drinking secretively to the point of being drunk?

Big girl pants and a big talk when he's sober. Personally I'd ask him to leave and sort himself out and look forward to a really happy birthday next year

Milkbottlelegs · 28/08/2021 12:37

Marriage counselling is unlikely to work because it's not your relationship that's the issue it's the fact he's an alcoholic.

Was about to say something similar. You don’t need any counselling. Your only issue OP is a husband with an alcohol problem. He needs to work on that first.

Is he even embarrassed that he wets the bed? Does he clear up himself or leave it all to you?

Milkbottlelegs · 28/08/2021 12:38

Also, I’m sorry you’re having a shit birthday. I hope the excitement from the kids is bringing you some fun.

Fireflygal · 28/08/2021 12:52

How old are the dc?

Hohofortherobbers · 28/08/2021 13:00

@Wheelerdeeler

Take the kids on the day out. Leave him behind. If he wants to join say you'd rather he didn't and you will talk to him tnw. That you want a nice day with kids.

Tmw lay your cards on table.

It's not about your birthday. It's about his drink problem

Agree with this, and tomorrow call Al anon for support for yourself

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 28/08/2021 13:01

It was my birthday this week too and l was pissed off because dh didn't get me anything as he said we would go shopping and l could choose something which in my mind totally got him out of even having to think about what to get me . Plus l hate shopping with him and dd in tow so we ended up shopping for them more .
Would have have had the cash and gone out with my best mate.
But pissing in the bed? Jeez makes my issue look like absolutely nothing (which l know in the grand scheme of things it is bit totally get it when you say you like birthdays and they don"t)

Welshiefluff · 28/08/2021 13:04

I realised he'd wet our bed in the night and simply removed his piss soaked clothes dumped them on the floor and carried on sleeping in the puddle

What the fuck?

BlackShadowCat · 28/08/2021 13:04

Happy Birthday!

what I think is that you can't change him, you can only change how you react to him, so I think as a birthday present for yourself, maybe look into counselling and try and figure out where you are in life and what you can do to find happiness.

thecognoscenti · 28/08/2021 13:21

God what a disgusting arse he is. If he's not on his knees today begging your forgiveness and booking himself into rehab I'd be taking steps to end the marriage TBH.

Original poster

Sadbirthdayfish · 28/08/2021 13:37

Thank you all for your comments, quite unanimous so I won't quote each one but no obviously I'm not happy waking up in a piss soaked bed, or with the secret drinking and I know I need to change something. It just feels overwhelming and I feel very sad about it all. I am making the most of the day, our kids are young, 5 and 8, so I will make the day fun. Just feeling really lonely today so I appreciate the birthday wishes.

OP posts:

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