Birthday disappointment

[Sadbirthdayfish]

Today is my birthday and my DH doesn't 'do' birthdays/Christmas etc. It stresses him out. Disappointing usually but I've made an effort to buy myself some little bath things, got a lovely gift from my mum, my kids made cards and blew balloons up, nice day trip planned, so I thought I'd got a positive day sorted out. Yesterday evening he got progressively more drunk on his own without me ever seeing a glass in his hand. I got up bright and early this morning (ok his 6am work alarm that he'd forgotten to switch off woke me) to make myself a birthday breakfast. I stepped on his wet clothes on the floor, he'd fell asleep fully clothed at 9pm. I realised he'd wet our bed in the night and simply removed his piss soaked clothes dumped them on the floor and carried on sleeping in the puddle. He's in a terrible mood very hungover and it's nearly lunch time and he's not even said happy birthday to me yet. I feel constantly close to tears but I'm trying to make it a nice day for our kids who get really excited about birthdays. It's not a one off I've suspected he has a drink problem for a while. I don't know why I'm posting, I've read posts like this and thought, well just leave, but it feels so overwhelming and complicated I don't know where to start. We've been married a really long time, could marriage counseling work? Do I want to bother?

Dear girl, what a sad and lonely place you’re in. I feel so sorry for that.

This has been said many many times, but until yr H admits and seeks help for his drinking there is no starting point. You cannot help him until he puts up his hand and asks for help. Until then, what you’ve got is set to continue. Depressing beyond belief. You and yr children deserve much better than this. Yes it’s what you have now, but, honestly, is it what you want for yr future, nothing changes if nothing changes. I do hope you find the courage needed to make a happier life. There is better waiting for you and the children. He’s ruined/spoilt how many birthdays and Christmas’s? Here’s sincerely hoping your next birthday sees youve been strong enough to make the changes required to see you in a much happier, healthier place. Good luck.

Thanks for all your comments, I have read them all and am still re-reading as there's a lot to think about.

He has never been good with birthdays, his family don't really celebrate them so he doesn't understand why it's important to me. It caused arguments early on but everything else seemed worth staying together for, now it just feels like the last straw. It makes me feel homesick for the lovely birthdays my mum used to do: clean tidy house, tablecloth, something special for breakfast, flowers, just everyone being happy together, feeling loved, sharing in a family occasion. This is what I do for him and our kids on their birthdays.

I tried to talk to him about his drinking after the weekend but he's very evasive. It sounds mad but he'll only talk to me about important issues from separate rooms, and often just walks off so it's very hard to even begin to discuss anything. He got upset and said I was pressuring him and making him need a drink.

I'm going to try and go to an Al-Anon meeting, thank you all for helping me think more clearly. I definitely don't want to be in this position next birthday and I think people pointing that out has helped me to see it in a concrete way. I will also look through all the advice here on separation because it feels very daunting and I have no friends, and no family nearby so I wouldn't really know where to begin. Really I want him to change back but I don't know if that's possible, and I take the excellent point that that's what keeps people in toxic relationships for too long.

Sounds like you're at the beginning of the end

The separate rooms for serious discussions - so he can drink out of your sight?