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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Birthday disappointment

53 replies

Sadbirthdayfish · 28/08/2021 11:48

Today is my birthday and my DH doesn't 'do' birthdays/Christmas etc. It stresses him out. Disappointing usually but I've made an effort to buy myself some little bath things, got a lovely gift from my mum, my kids made cards and blew balloons up, nice day trip planned, so I thought I'd got a positive day sorted out. Yesterday evening he got progressively more drunk on his own without me ever seeing a glass in his hand. I got up bright and early this morning (ok his 6am work alarm that he'd forgotten to switch off woke me) to make myself a birthday breakfast. I stepped on his wet clothes on the floor, he'd fell asleep fully clothed at 9pm. I realised he'd wet our bed in the night and simply removed his piss soaked clothes dumped them on the floor and carried on sleeping in the puddle. He's in a terrible mood very hungover and it's nearly lunch time and he's not even said happy birthday to me yet. I feel constantly close to tears but I'm trying to make it a nice day for our kids who get really excited about birthdays. It's not a one off I've suspected he has a drink problem for a while. I don't know why I'm posting, I've read posts like this and thought, well just leave, but it feels so overwhelming and complicated I don't know where to start. We've been married a really long time, could marriage counseling work? Do I want to bother?

OP posts:

Sloth66 · 28/08/2021 14:19

What are you actually getting out of this relationship?
For him to get so drunk as to behave in that disgusting way is bad enough.
To do it on your birthday is awful.
Honestly, agree with others. Give yourself the best birthday present of all and get a divorce.

Suprima · 28/08/2021 15:08

Couldn’t be with a man who didn’t do christmas and birthdays, let alone have kids with them. Why have you tolerated his unkindness and meanness from day 1? How can you be intimate with someone so bloody miserable?

Then I got to the bit about the alcoholism and bed pissing. Oh my god.

OP- what are you getting out of this relationship? It doesn’t seem very nice for you or the kids.

Colourmeclear · 28/08/2021 15:40

"Do I want to bother?"

If you did bother, why? Obligation? Hope? Fear? Duty? Love?

You clearly have doubts and I wonder if there isn't a very clear physical sensation that lets you know how you really feel (whatever that is). If you did bother, it would be really good idea to get an idea of what you wanted, what you expected and how long you give it. You would want things to improve but how would you measure that? He drinks less, you feel more valued, what would have to change to know it was progress? If you don't have the idea of those kind of answers than its very easy to carry on expecting to feel different and waiting for it but it never comes.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 28/08/2021 16:35

@Sadbirthdayfish I've no doubt it is overwhelming, there's a lot to unpick especially when there are dc involved. I do think that it might be worth looking at maybe talking to someone, a counsellor perhaps who can help you see that you truly deserve better, for the dc too. But you can't go on like this or it'll affect your mental health.

Has your DH explained himself yet or is everyone avoiding it? I really hope he cleaned up his mess.

I'm so very sorry this happened on your birthday.

Hawkins001 · 28/08/2021 16:42

Happy birthday 🎂🎂hope you have a good day, or as best as , considering

TurquoiseDragon · 28/08/2021 16:56

@Milkbottlelegs

Marriage counselling is unlikely to work because it's not your relationship that's the issue it's the fact he's an alcoholic.

Was about to say something similar. You don’t need any counselling. Your only issue OP is a husband with an alcohol problem. He needs to work on that first.

Is he even embarrassed that he wets the bed? Does he clear up himself or leave it all to you?

OP, I'm sorry you're having to face this. And if he's got to the stage of drinking in secret, then the situation is far worse than you realise.

And, sad to say, but I think it'll get far worse before it ever gets better. He needs to be able to acknowledge he has a problem in order to be able to fix it.

It's not fair on your DC for them to be growing up around an alcoholic. You can't hide it from them, and they will be affected. In fact, they are already affected, with trips out without him, etc. If your DH isn't willing to face up to his alcohol issues, then you need to be ready to separate for the sake of your DC.

Meanwhile, I hope you can have a Happy Birthday in some way.

Blueskytoday06 · 28/08/2021 17:04

Happy Birthday 🎈

Only two bits to say :

We get what we settle for & it (separating) can be as difficult or as easy as you want it to be.

Oh wait a third.

I know it might seem like the worse thing ever to split and as a mum the decision doesn't just impact you BUT it really isn't and there is (lots) of life beyond marriage.

I think you're on your way to making a decision.

BrilliantBetty · 28/08/2021 17:08

Do you want to be in the same position on your next birthday?
Something really must change because this is dreadful. It really is.

You can't change him. He is an alcoholic and he is not seeking help for that you can research and give him advice on organisations to seek help with it. You can't cure him. You can forge a better existence for yourself and the kids though. Start with advice from a divorce solicitor. Perhaps advice from a friend who has been through a divorce/ separation and knows the practicalities involved. They'll be plenty of practical advice on MN too.

But surely after he has pissed your bed on your birthday it's time to walk away for your own sanity. If he wants to sort himself out, well, maybe reconciliation in the future may be possible if he is successful but for now you should put your needs and the kids needs as priority.

Let this be the last miserable birthday.

Mamaofaboy · 28/08/2021 17:32

Happy Birthday OP ... sorry it’s a shitty one!

I guess you’ve had conversations about how it makes you feel that he isn’t a “birthday person” - which for the record is a really crappy excuse to not bother his arse to make you feel special for a day! I’d say can you push it further with him if he is good in most other ways but it sounds like he may have a problem not just to wet the bed but secret drinking? That sounds bad, what do you mean?

If he has a problem with alcohol he will need to be the one to decide it’s time to get his act together and until then it’s see if you can cope with it, or get rid if not.

Sending a big birthday hug x

Kite22 · 28/08/2021 17:36

Happy Birthday

But as everyone else has said, you are living with an alcoholic.
Get help. Look at your options, including how to set up a better life for you and your dc.

Original poster

Sadbirthdayfish · 28/08/2021 18:48

I was wondering about marriage counseling because I feel our relationship problems are bigger than his drinking, but then I don't think I fully acknowledged how big a problem it's become. To be honest I'm not sure I get anything out of our relationship anymore except it's comfortable because it's familiar and all I've known my adult life. He hasn't apologized or mentioned the bed wetting or drinking, he did put the bedding in the washer as I told him to sort it out. He's also not even mentioned it's my birthday let alone apologized for ruining it.
I've often told him how upsetting it is for him to just say he won't do birthdays and special occasions, that it's about effort and kindness I'm not demanding he spends money on me or anything. But he just says I'm putting him under pressure.

To the pp's who asked why did I marry and have kids with him, I know everyone says it but before we had kids he didn't seem so selfish, he rarely drank, he always seemed chilled out, creative and happy, he's transformed over time. I don't really understand how the change happened, it's been so gradual, he's so irritable, mean, tired and grumpy with us all these days. I guess I keep hoping one day he'll go back to who he was.

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 28/08/2021 18:57

I guess I keep hoping one day he'll go back to who he was

Yes, that's what keeps most of in a relationship that has become toxic. The likelihood is that he supressed he he was until you were committed with children. It's very common.

What was his childhood like?

LifeOfBriony · 28/08/2021 19:04

Happy Birthday OP! I hope you have been able to have some fun with your DCs.

ChirpyChirp · 28/08/2021 19:14

Happy birthday OP I hope you managed to enjoy your day.

How are you feeling now? Has your DH apologised for his behaviour?

You (and your DC) deserve so much better than this. Secret drinking to the point of bed wetting is awful behaviour. I wish you all the strength you need to leave and start a life free from this sort of stress.

Screwyoularry · 28/08/2021 19:44

Happy Birthday 🍹🎂.
Just think, how much nicer your Birthday could be next year without waking up in a piss soaked bed & tip toeing around him. I made my decision on Christmas Morning 2001. Best gift I ever gave myself & my kids

IsItJustMeOrYou · 28/08/2021 19:52

Father was an alcoholic. Leave for the sake of your children. Late 50s and still having therapy. Good luck x

OldTinHat · 28/08/2021 20:07

Happy birthday! Its mine today too!

I'm so sorry that you've had such a shit start to your day. I think you know that this is not reasonable behaviour, don't put up with it. Start preparing for a better life without him in it.

Porcupineintherough · 30/08/2021 09:47

His birthday present to you is the realisation that you've had enough office with a joyss, selfish alcohol abuser.

Forget counselling, see a solicitor and start planning your exit.

If, once you're gone, he sorts his shit out (he wont right now, he's got you holding his life together for him) you could always take him back - if you want to, but probably you wont.

Having an alcohol abusing father is going to damage you kids. You can minimise that by providing a warm and happy home for them away from him. You cant change him, he has to do that for himself.

Suprima · 30/08/2021 10:41

@Sadbirthdayfish

I was wondering about marriage counseling because I feel our relationship problems are bigger than his drinking, but then I don't think I fully acknowledged how big a problem it's become. To be honest I'm not sure I get anything out of our relationship anymore except it's comfortable because it's familiar and all I've known my adult life. He hasn't apologized or mentioned the bed wetting or drinking, he did put the bedding in the washer as I told him to sort it out. He's also not even mentioned it's my birthday let alone apologized for ruining it. I've often told him how upsetting it is for him to just say he won't do birthdays and special occasions, that it's about effort and kindness I'm not demanding he spends money on me or anything. But he just says I'm putting him under pressure.

OP- I wasn’t coming at you for having kids with an alcoholic, I know men can morph into bastards and addicts over time without a hint of warning, but not doing Christmas and birthdays is utterly selfish and mean behaviour.

No matter how chilled out and happy you believe he was, if this is the attitude he has always had to special occasions and making his loved ones happy- he has always been bloody selfish. There isn’t going to be a going back from this, as it doesn’t seem that he was particularly pleasant when he was ‘well’.

Only you can choose what you do now- but do you want your kids growing up thinking that this is how you treat people?

DancesWithTortoises · 30/08/2021 11:11

There can be no happy ever after with this scum. Leave him for the sake of your children.

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2021 14:19

@SadbirthdayfishThere is loads of support and practical advice on here about how to end an unhappy marriage.

Enjoy the rest of the day with your children and come back tomorrow to start reclaiming your life.

SarahBellam · 30/08/2021 18:46

When he says he doesn’t do birthdays or special occasions is it just laziness? Does he expect cards and gifts on his birthday? It sounds like he really doesn’t care about you and your family. Pissing the bed and leaving the clothes lying there is just disgusting, and that aligned with the lack of recognition of your birthday, it’s actually a really insulting way to behave towards someone you’re supposed to love. Calling him an alcoholic is charitable. He’s an alcoholic AND he’s a lazy, ignorant, pig of a man who deserves no place in your life.

SarahBellam · 30/08/2021 18:50

And, by the way, if someone feels ‘under pressure’ because they have to buy a card and a bunch of flowers or a box of chocs then they really need either mental health support because they are in genuine need or they need a massive great (metaphorical) kick up the arse. Who has time for this shit? Seriously, OP, make next year your best birthday ever 🎉

BeachDrifting · 30/08/2021 20:13

You’re just cheating yourself here. Being with a guy like this. He has no interest in you. He must have done birthdays at some point right? Or you would never have dated him! Get rid!

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 30/08/2021 20:21

What functional adult gets so stressed out by birthdays that they can't even mention them? I mean, I'm sure you're not asking for the moon on a stick here are you, OP - you'd be happy with a simply written card, breakfast in bed, a supermarket cake with candles to blow out with the kids, perhaps some nice flowers if he really can't think of a gift?

I know not everyone is a natural gift giver but ignoring it completely and getting so drunk you wet the bed is NOT normal. Does he often get completely drunk the night before important dates? It sounds terribly passive aggressive.

Abuse usually escalates over time, particularly around events like weddings, buying houses and the birth of children (because they think you and more vulnerable and/or less able to leave). Looking back over your relationship, does this fit the pattern of his behaviour?

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