Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Is it possible husband could be mentally breaking me?

75 replies

lemonadecar · 27/08/2021 21:25

I just need some help working out what's going on. I am a wreck this evening, feel exhausted, can hardly walk, lots of aches and pains and a headache and I feel like this was all brought on by the way my husband has been talking to me and being around me for the past days. This isn't new, it's happened lots, but for some reason I've noticed it more this time. He isn't nice usually, it's a problem, but I am starting to wonder if I'm losing my mind.

He's been talking to me about little things and then sort of rewriting the past to suit his narrative. It really makes me feel like I'm going mad. For example he will come down and make himself a huge plate of buttered bread and then I'll remind him I'm cooking and it's nearly ready -- cooking something we agreed on and talked about, and agreeing on the time. He'll say 'well I didn't know did I - how could I know you were cooking' but the outcome will be he is remorseless. He'll eat the plate of bread and when I underline that the thing we agreed on, that I'm cooking, is nearly ready he'll say he's not a mindreader and then, if pressed further, say I'm controlling. But the thing is we literally will have agreed it together half an hour before

I just made that up as one example (although similar things have happened around meals), but he's doing it with everything. He is making me cancel drinks I organised with friends on the grounds that 'he's busy and it's the first he's heard of it' when I literally stood and talked with him about planning it in (we've got kids and so someone has to stay with them) which he agreed to and I can vividly remember. He'll then say I'm a 'fantasist'' and pursue his plans.

What is this? Why would anyone do this? I really feel on the verge of a breakdown and as if I am going mad. He is not struggling at all and is calm, coping (though starts it up again as soon as he comes back in).

OP posts:

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 27/08/2021 21:30

Google gas lighting.

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 27/08/2021 21:30

You’re not going mad, it’s a known abusive technique.

legoriakelne · 27/08/2021 21:31

Coercive control.

Sarahlou63 · 27/08/2021 21:32

Text/email/Whatsapp him everything from now on. Everything tiny thing. If he questions it, smile sweetly and say you're having problems with your memory so it will help you.

Or LTB.

Hopeful22 · 27/08/2021 21:34

I'm sorry to say but you are living with a gaslighting, Manipulating and controlling husband. I'm reading your post and if it was a couple of years ago I would have been confused too as to what this behaviour was , but now that I know, have been made aware and have stop minimising this behaviour I realise exactly what has been going on. Its emotional abuse and it seems maybe now that you are questioning things its time to get real about what's going on.
The gaslighting- telling you something, and denying he ever said it , clasdic manipulation and he wants you to doubt your version of the truth. This is so dangerous to your mental health. Don't doubt yourself, don't question what happened, please try to see the reality here, things will only get worse, it took me 15 years to realise what was happening to me. But now I know and I'm desperately trying to scramble out of this toxic marraige. Has he always been like this?

Pluckyduck · 27/08/2021 21:35

You’re not going mad. It’s a known abusive technique called gaslighting.
Personally I’d be tempted to record conversations on your mobile and play them back to prove he has agreed to things discussed.
But ultimately I’d be planning to get the hell away from this man before he completely breaks you.

Original poster

lemonadecar · 27/08/2021 21:37

@Hopeful22

I'm sorry to say but you are living with a gaslighting, Manipulating and controlling husband. I'm reading your post and if it was a couple of years ago I would have been confused too as to what this behaviour was , but now that I know, have been made aware and have stop minimising this behaviour I realise exactly what has been going on. Its emotional abuse and it seems maybe now that you are questioning things its time to get real about what's going on. The gaslighting- telling you something, and denying he ever said it , clasdic manipulation and he wants you to doubt your version of the truth. This is so dangerous to your mental health. Don't doubt yourself, don't question what happened, please try to see the reality here, things will only get worse, it took me 15 years to realise what was happening to me. But now I know and I'm desperately trying to scramble out of this toxic marraige. Has he always been like this?

I think quite likely he has. We've had so many what he calls 'arguments' but which have just been me using every inch of my reasoning skills to make him see reality, which he has always refused to. I don't understand why he'd do it over little things.

I'm sorry about your marriage, mine is almost as long. Will you be able to leave? I feel too tired, too depleted to even contemplate leaving.

OP posts:

Pluckyduck · 27/08/2021 21:41

But this is what he wants. He wants you to stay where you are. To feel confused and tired.
Isn’t your life worth more than this?

Original poster

lemonadecar · 27/08/2021 21:45

It is and my children's definitely is. It just seems so bizarre, and so out of the ordinary, like a torture. I can't get my head round it. It jars with public life, in which H projects himself (and is thought to be) a very successful, funny etc, even ethical guy

OP posts:

Hopeful22 · 27/08/2021 21:51

@lemonadecar
Your post just resonated with me a lot.about a year ago I was lying in bed with stbxh and I saw him , with my own eyes, type in his exgirlfriends name into Facebook. When I asked him what he was doing , why was he typing in that name, he said to me, what are you talking about ? I didn't type in anything, it came up as a suggestion... ! He was so vehement about it and so indignant- that for a few minutes I actually questioned what I KNOW I saw. He told me I was seeing things, that I got it wrong, what was I on about?? He actually was successful in making me doubt my ACTUAL EYES , I'll never forget this. It might sounds like a small example but to me it was the beginning of the end. Throughout our relationship things like this happened.

I only know now, after talking to friends and family, that this behaviour is not normal. There was so many other things I could write a book but this gaslighting scares me and I've no tolerance for it now.
I get you, its terrifying thinking of leaving, absolutely exhausting, mentally draining but what will the rest of your life to like. I have 2 small kids and I have to show them what a normal life is like and what to expect from.a normal relationship .
It's the hardest thing I've ever done though. Besides the gaslighting, control, manipulation, financial abuse , there were good times but not enough to sway the balance ...
You say that over the years you've tried to express your rational opinion of things but have got nowhere, I've been labelled crazy and mental when I try to stand up for myself and get any way vocal about issues. I only realise now I wasted years and years on a narcissist who will never change. And if you asked him why our marraige failed ? It would be all my fault, I'm controlling, crazy etc etc...
I understand your exhausted but think of your future happiness that could be lying in wait for you if only you can muster the strength to think of leaving...

Sicario · 27/08/2021 21:57

Please read this article. You might recognise some of the behaviours.

20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths Use To Silence You

thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

Pluckyduck · 27/08/2021 22:00

I know how upsetting it is to try and understand another persons actions that don’t make sense. You can drive yourself mad trying to comprehend why he acts this way with you. I can sense the exhaustion in your posts. He’s totally worn you down.
You have to think how it would feel to live a life where you don’t face these actions from someone else through the day, where you aren’t confused and tired, where you wake up to a peaceful and calm house with your children. How much of a weight would be lifted from your shoulders. I know it feels overwhelming at the moment. But you know what he is doing is wrong.

Sicario · 27/08/2021 22:02

You cannot reason with a man like that. They never change. In fact, as they get older, they get worse. They do not take responsibility for their words, behaviour or their actions. Everything will be made out to be your fault.

Echobelly · 27/08/2021 22:05

See, my DH used to have a tendency to insist I'd 'not told him' things, usually social plans, when I could literally remember where we were for the three conversations we'd had about them. However, despite the odd argument about it, he did realise it was just his shitty memory/ability to listen if his mind was elsewhere and that if I said I'd told him, then I had told him. And he made more effort to remember stuff and to accept that, and also we used a joint Google Calendar for things much more.

I do think some guys are genuinely crap at listening/remembering, but what OP's partner is doing sounds deliberately manipulative and exhausting/

UnashamedLabelHo · 27/08/2021 22:21

Send emails or text messages after the conversations to “confirm”. Obviously you should leave this man but until you get yourself together for a life of liberty and normality, do this. He can’t mess with you like this.

LadyLolaRuben · 27/08/2021 22:21

I've experienced this. Its gaslighting. Its exhausting. Its deliberate and manipulative. Its designed to break you. Don't let on you know he's gaslighting you or it could escalate. Gather your strength by keeping away from him such as spending time with your family or friends. Then when stronger LTB xx

bamboocat · 27/08/2021 22:22

This is classic gaslighting.

clemensiadove · 27/08/2021 22:25

Maybe next time he does it, you should tell him you're worried about his memory as he seems to be forgetting a lot lately!

dodobookends · 27/08/2021 22:27

I really feel on the verge of a breakdown and as if I'm going mad

That's what gaslighting does, and why abusers do it. He's evil, and you really need to start thinking about ending this relationship before he breaks you down completely.

endofthelinefinally · 27/08/2021 22:32

You are in an abusive relationship and IMO you need to get out and get your children out.

BeachDrifting · 27/08/2021 22:47

Ok. I had this. It was because when I spoke he wasn’t really listening. Switched off. Try putting big sticky board on the fridge. Write every date down and get him to initial it. Worked for us

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 27/08/2021 23:30

Shit the bed. Im reqding your op and all the replies of people who have been through the same and its like scales falling from my eyes. Op my exH was EXACTLY the same , the forgotten conversations (sometimes literally minutes before) the arrangements he claimed he knew nothing about despite lengthy conversations about them. I always thought (as did my whole family and all my friends) that he was just one of those guys who was vastly intelligent but disconnected from reality. Now im wondering if it was an abusive marriage all along.
Op im so sorry you're experiencing this. Its no way to live. Im much, MUCH happier without him on a daily basis (though still have to deal with his fuckwittery through the kids). Personally I’d leave.

Foxmylife · 27/08/2021 23:34

Ltb

Original poster

lemonadecar · 28/08/2021 09:06

Thank you for the replies, I’m so sorry many posters have experienced similar. I am utterly hanging by a thread. I don’t know how anyone could want to do that to someone else. Still making sense of it.

OP posts:

Sarahlou63 · 28/08/2021 09:29

In the nicest possible way, trying to make sense of someone else's manipulative behaviour is a waste of time. It would be better to concentrate on what you are going to do.

Flip

1 2 3