Is it possible husband could be mentally breaking me?

[lemonadecar]

I just need some help working out what's going on. I am a wreck this evening, feel exhausted, can hardly walk, lots of aches and pains and a headache and I feel like this was all brought on by the way my husband has been talking to me and being around me for the past days. This isn't new, it's happened lots, but for some reason I've noticed it more this time. He isn't nice usually, it's a problem, but I am starting to wonder if I'm losing my mind.

He's been talking to me about little things and then sort of rewriting the past to suit his narrative. It really makes me feel like I'm going mad. For example he will come down and make himself a huge plate of buttered bread and then I'll remind him I'm cooking and it's nearly ready -- cooking something we agreed on and talked about, and agreeing on the time. He'll say 'well I didn't know did I - how could I know you were cooking' but the outcome will be he is remorseless. He'll eat the plate of bread and when I underline that the thing we agreed on, that I'm cooking, is nearly ready he'll say he's not a mindreader and then, if pressed further, say I'm controlling. But the thing is we literally will have agreed it together half an hour before

I just made that up as one example (although similar things have happened around meals), but he's doing it with everything. He is making me cancel drinks I organised with friends on the grounds that 'he's busy and it's the first he's heard of it' when I literally stood and talked with him about planning it in (we've got kids and so someone has to stay with them) which he agreed to and I can vividly remember. He'll then say I'm a 'fantasist'' and pursue his plans.

What is this? Why would anyone do this? I really feel on the verge of a breakdown and as if I am going mad. He is not struggling at all and is calm, coping (though starts it up again as soon as he comes back in).

Let the greedy sod eat his bread before dinner. Who cares, more fir you and the kids right? I'm sure he enjoys arguing savour whether you discussed dinner or not. Let him jog on. Idiot

It has made me smile to see that people can spot the ludicrousness of my bread example.

He's gaslighting you.

Start secretly recording conversations about dates/events etc so you can show him you know he's deliberately trying to fuck you up.

And leave him at the earliest practical opportunity. Protect your children from this behaviour.

Every time you make an agreement to do something or an arrangement you think he may gaslight you on, secretly record it on your phone and listen back in private. It's cast iron evidence you are not going mad and it really is all down to him. The more you realise he is doing this to make you feel the way you are feeling the more you can draw back from the edge and make plans to get out.

My STBex would tell me I was shouting at him, even though I knew I wasn't and that he was shouting, but is is so convincing I was doubting myself. I recorded it and realised then how he was gaslighting me.

Gaslighting.

Very abusive behaviour.

I’d record him agreeing and having a discussion about something and then when he says I’ve made it up or he didn’t agree to it. Play it back. Then leave the relationship. You can’t live like this.

@madroid

what is the reason to not let on?

Because if he's confronted or knows you've rumbled his behaviour he will become more abusive. It's a control thing - he'll feel that he's losing control so will do something more extreme to reassert control.

He will not get better. He will let you down when you're at your most vulnerable. He will do the nasty/nice cycle. Read up on abusive behaviour.

Exactly this.

He knows exactly what he's doing - intentionally causing confusion to debilitate and break you. It will escalate if he finds out you know what he is doing, as he has to resort to more extreme measures to achieve his goal.

His behaviour is not accidental, so pointing it out to encourage a change will not work but make your situation even worse. Take care x

@timeisnotaline

Reiterate though this is all while making plans to leave! There’s no point staying for more misery wiht this man. Forget his public persona, that’s not who he is.

This.

You need to subtly plan your leave. Get your ducks in a row without him realising.

Recording things to play back to save your sanity is fine but, don't play them back to him whilst in the relationship - it will escalate the abuse. Be sure to play them back in private and ensure he won't find them on your phone etc if he goes snooping

Extreme gaslighting to get his own way over everything.
You can divorce him for this and I would asap.

Absolutely gaslighting. They use it as a means of torture. There is no cure, make quiet arrangements to leave. Be prepared for him desperately trying to keep you. Don’t believe a word.Good luck for your future away from the nonsense.

DO NOT play his game, ignore him while you get your ducks in a row.
Put up big notices on the wall or fridge - I am going out on Friday at....time. Then just go.
Let him eat rubbish before dinner, if he can't eat dinner it's not your problem he is an adult.
I despise gamerplayers

Physical calendar on the wall (although he’ll probably in it and claim there never was one) and a Google calendar. Double up. Ultimately, he’s horrible, abusive and why would you stay with him?

How are things OP? Hope you're ok x

I am a little more calm, thank you. Just very sad that someone would choose to do that to another person at all.

Good to hear you feel a bit more grounded today. It is sad. I learnt the hard way that these people can't be fixed. Its who they are. They're very good as masking it in front of others. But when the mask falls, oh my word its terrible. Recover your strength and invest it in you and your future with your baby. Keep posting here for support if need be. You're not alone x

There are two possibilities which are either not listening or gaslighting. I don't think anyone can be sure which it is.

DH is very inattentive. He knows it and I know it. We share a calendar now.

I know in DH's case it's real because he has a job where he needs to do certain tasks at certain times and doesn't have a direct line manager who would remind him. He sets everything in to his calendar so that it reminds him to do everything. If it's not in the calendar, it's unlikely to get done.

When you say he's making you cancel your drinks plan...but he's not really forcing you to do that. You are letting him go out for the sake of peace. He knows you are the 'Mummy' in the house who will let him away with his teenager behaviour.
How do you react in the room with him when these things happen?

The thing is, when you're in a normal relationship you don't have these sorts of conversations. You don't doubt yourself because you don't need to. Sometimes DH forgets stuff but he wouldn't forget a conversation about dinner 30 minutes before it was due to be served up!

Is he calling you a psycho yet?

You need to start making an exit plan. This isn't going to get better.

You know you're in the presence of gaslighting when you want to start recording conversations.

Start making plans. Quietly. Try and fly under his radar.

Also start to realise that he relies on projection:

Controlling
Fantasist

That would be him.

@lemonadecar
Don't waste a minute get out now x

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate it

How are things OP? With the weekend upon us, will you be home alone much with him?

It’s definitely gaslighting and it’s abusive and you should leave.

The only thing I’d add is that he isn't necessarily doing it in a cold and calculating way to deliberately drive you mad. And I’m not defending him! Just that sometimes it might be subconscious. Not that that makes it any better though.

I had an ex who started doing this to me. It was exhausting. I finally caught him out by showing him something that he’d written down (it was like a full page of A4 not a post-it) just a couple of weeks earlier. He was staring at his own handwriting in disbelief and was really apologetic. But he didn’t change and the relationship didn’t last much longer. Perhaps I am being too generous but I believe he was reliving the unresolved traumas of his parents abusive relationship because he didn’t know any different.

Having left an abuser, can I suggest that you do as much research into gas lighting as you can, so that you can view any forthcoming incidents with a more objective view? (Don’t record people without their knowledge, as that’s rarely admissible)

Please don’t tell him what you’re doing or planning… as others have said. It won’t end up with him having an epiphany and changing his ways, but will force him to come up with other ideas as to how to mess you around and control you.