Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why are my fwbs better than my relationships?

65 replies

EmptySuitcase · 27/08/2021 14:57

It's been a long time since i've had a relationship.

In the past couple of years, I've had fwbs after deciding I wasn't going to bother with relationships anymore. I currently have two. We behave mostly like friends. We go out, go to gigs, out for dinner, hang out and watch films, cook for each other, go out with other friends, phone often, text frequently and sometimes we have sex. The sex is also better than I've had in relationships. Just a better experience all round.

In all cases, without exception, my fwbs have treated me better and are nicer, more affectionate, more tender and more 'loving' towards me than anyone I've had a relationship with.

I spent the night with one last night. We went out for dinner, flirted, walked around town holding hands, he stopped to kiss me. We woke up this morning, he smiled at me and kissed my forehead. We had sex again and he fell asleep afterwards holding my hand.

The next thing I knew I had tears rolling down my face. Neither of us wants more than fwb so it's not an issue with that but I realised that no 'boyfriend' I've ever had has ever done those nice things.

Why are my fwbs better than my relationships?

OP posts:
Changeofname12 · 27/08/2021 17:17

"The next thing I knew I had tears rolling down my face" - why?

Changeofname12 · 27/08/2021 17:18

Also, how do you feel about your fwb's shagging others and treating others the same way as they treat you? Are you completely fine with that? How would you feel if they found girlfriends and couldn't see or speak to you anymore?

EmptySuitcase · 27/08/2021 17:23

Like I say because I've never had a boyfriend do those nice little things - forehead kisses, taking my hand as we fell asleep.

Yet they seem so easy and natural in fwb situations.

If I had had a relationship that looked like my fwbs, maybe I wouldn't have given up on them!

OP posts:
SomethingChief · 27/08/2021 17:28

Because distance plays an important role in maintaining desire. Because obligation can stifle spontaneity and passion. Because you happen to have had crappy boyfriends in the past. Because you have a better sense of who you are and what you want now. Lots of reasons.

EmptySuitcase · 27/08/2021 17:35

Because distance plays an important role in maintaining desire. Because obligation can stifle spontaneity and passion

I understand what you're sayiing but not the implication for me.

The other points, yes, they probably have been crappy and I suppose I do know what I want foryself more now. I just feel a bit sad that no boyfriend has ever wanted to do those things or all the other nice stuff.

OP posts:
FoxgloveSummers · 27/08/2021 17:35

Bad luck, I expect. Some people are just crap boyfriends - they'd have been crap FWBs as well, doubtless.

The good news is, now you have a higher bar for what you want in relationships and when you start dating again you can hold out for that. Funnily enough I found having a couple of really healthy, kind, fun "casual" things put me in the exact right frame of mind when I met my now partner. My self-esteem was boosted, and I wasn't looking for sex or male company as I already had those things whenever I liked, so I was only interested if someone ticked all my boxes for a real proper partner. Does that make sense?

ActonSquirrel · 27/08/2021 17:37

Like I say because I've never had a boyfriend do those nice little things - forehead kisses, taking my hand as we fell asleep.

I've had that from boyfriends not casuals.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/08/2021 17:42

Sadly I think it’s easier to have that kind of situation when no domesticity aspect or expectations of tying up your time are involved — many people can be like this for a little while but just can’t maintain it when life’s usual crap gets in the way

Regularsizedrudy · 27/08/2021 17:48

Because fwb is basically a prolonged honeymoon period. Don’t be sad, enjoy those lovely moments, a relationship isn’t the be all and end all.

TheVanguardSix · 27/08/2021 17:49

Because they don’t ever progress into anything, FWBs, to answer the initial question. You just stay in the fun place… until you begin to develop feelings for the FWB (maybe why you cried- HRTWT). That’s when the wheels come off!
Personally I liken FWBs to trauma bonding! Confused Grin

FoxgloveSummers · 27/08/2021 17:52

But surely I can't be the only one who has sweet behaviour from long term partners?? Ok maybe not "flirting" but being nice, affectionate, tender and loving? Kisses in the morning, holding hands? I don't want OP to think that's only available in a FWB situation and that all men in relationships just fart, grunt and ignore you.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/08/2021 18:17

@FoxgloveSummers — Ha , Ha — but the reality is the nicer things are often mixed in with a lot of life’s less pleasant realities for most people rather than an endless round of drinks, chats, hand holding and sex with no obligations. It’s like dating again without any domesticity . I realise some people are lucky enough to have long term relationships that stay in this lovely bubble- but most people don’t .

Catcorn · 27/08/2021 18:55

You don’t have all the ‘shit’ to discuss/worry about with fwbs (money, domestic chores, each other’s family etc).

friendlyflicka · 27/08/2021 19:04

But couldn't you just have a relationship with all the money/domestic/family stuff? Not everyone moves in together and gets joint bank accounts, or wants kids.

It could be possible just to be in a committed and exclusive relationship where you did the serious stuff separately. I have been married twice and now at 54 these are the only relationships I am interested in.

Regularsizedrudy · 27/08/2021 19:16

@FoxgloveSummers

But surely I can't be the only one who has sweet behaviour from long term partners?? Ok maybe not "flirting" but being nice, affectionate, tender and loving? Kisses in the morning, holding hands? I don't want OP to think that's only available in a FWB situation and that all men in relationships just fart, grunt and ignore you.
Yeah but you never have to see your fwb sick or stressed or hungover, you never have to talk about bills or paint colours or which brand of margarine you should buy
Peach01 · 27/08/2021 19:26

I spent the night with one last night. We went out for dinner, flirted, walked around town holding hands, he stopped to kiss me. We woke up this morning, he smiled at me and kissed my forehead. We had sex again and he fell asleep afterwards holding my hand.
I realised that no 'boyfriend' I've ever had has ever done those nice things.

That sounds like a standard 'date' you can have with a boyfriend. FWB is stuck in the place of having some of the positives of a relationship and the agreement that there will be none of the negatives. You stay in a place where the other persons life problems/bad habits don't effect yours, vice versa. You're both single. There's minimal pressure but it is stagnant.

JustAnother0ldMan · 27/08/2021 20:26

@Catcorn

You don’t have all the ‘shit’ to discuss/worry about with fwbs (money, domestic chores, each other’s family etc).
100% this.
EmptySuitcase · 27/08/2021 20:58

My self-esteem was boosted, and I wasn't looking for sex or male company as I already had those things whenever I liked, so I was only interested if someone ticked all my boxes for a real proper partner. Does that make sense?

Yes, it does make sense Smile

I've had that from boyfriends not casuals.

That's how i would expect it to be too.

Sadly I think it’s easier to have that kind of situation when no domesticity aspect or expectations of tying up your time are involved

I would agree. But ther was no domesticity involved with any of my boyfriends. The relationships haven't lasted long enough! I've got a more 'domestic' situation with one fwb than I've ever had with a boyfriend!

Because fwb is basically a prolonged honeymoon period. Don’t be sad, enjoy those lovely moments, a relationship isn’t the be all and end all.

Again that's true amd I can see that but I've not had the 'honeymoo' period with boyfriend. When I was kissed on the forehead this morning, that's that's first time anyone has done that. I don't want him to be my boyfriend but I did think what a lovely boyfriend he would be!

Because they don’t ever progress into anything, FWBs, to answer the initial question. You just stay in the fun place… until you begin to develop feelings for the FWB (maybe why you cried- HRTWT). That’s when the wheels come off!

No, I don't have feelings for him. I did have a fwb one before and he developed feelings for me. It was awful tbh. I loved him as a friend but didn't have any deeper feelings for him romantically and there things about him that made us incompatible as a couple. I've never developed feelings for a fwb.

You don’t have all the ‘shit’ to discuss/worry about with fwbs (money, domestic chores, each other’s family etc).

But you don't have that with boyfriends either. Yes, once you move in together but not when you have your own homes and are in the early stages of dating.

Yeah but you never have to see your fwb sick or stressed or hungover, you never have to talk about bills or paint colours or which brand of margarine you should buy

I don't know, my long term fwb and I have supported each other through and talked about stuff like that.

That sounds like a standard 'date' you can have with a boyfriend

That's the point though - I haven't had them with boyfriends.

One of them I've been with for 2 years so it does look a bit more 'relationshippy' but it's not. He doesn't want to commit to me and there are things about him that make him unsuitable for me as a partner.

I'm at his house at the moment. He and my friend are up in his studio recording some music. He cooked us both dinner.

If I could have what I have with either of these fwbs in a relationship it would be great!

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 27/08/2021 21:21

You're getting the best part of a relationship without all the donkey work.

It sounds ideal to me.

EmptySuitcase · 27/08/2021 21:36

Yeah, tbh, it is ideal in many ways!

I went out for dinner, drinks and a game of pool with one last night and I'm at the other's tonight with my friend. It's great.

I think the affection and tenderness is really throwing me at the moment though. I can see how amazing it would be to have all of that with someone who wanted me to be a part of their life and wanted to be part of mine. I've had a couple.of fwbs previously but they were more 'matey' - even the sex was 'matey'. These two are different to that and I suppose i feel like I'm missing something Confused

OP posts:
MuckyPlucky · 27/08/2021 21:52

I’m bemused (probably just showing my age) but…

The way you describe your FWB (cooking for eachother, hanging out watching films, going out together with friends, out for meals, frequently phoning & texting etc) … isn’t that a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship??? It describes almost to the letter my relationship with my partner of 2 years. We don’t live together and don’t plan to (deliberately, as we both have kids) but we do all the above, and consider eachother very much our partner.

Please can you explain to an old dinosaur like me why mine is a ‘relationship’ and yet your identical sounding set-up is a ‘FWB’? I’m so lost about today’s dating terms/rules!

MuckyPlucky · 27/08/2021 21:56

It makes me feel a bit weird hearing it described as “I went out with one last night amd he was tender etc” and then “I’m going out with the other tonight etc” [paraphrased].
I can’t imagine having two of these lovely-sounding relationships going at once, and how I would reconcile myself to seeing/sleeping with them both on consecutive nights on a regular basis.

Isn’t this basically poly-amory under a different name?

Not for me. I’m a one boyfriend/sexual partner at a time kind of person, as I expect my boyfriends/sexual partners to be too.

But again, I’m probably terribly old-fashioned as I’m over-40.

Onelifeonly · 27/08/2021 22:10

A FWB sounds like what I would have thought of as a boyfriend I wasn't serious about. So I think I had quite a few of those back in the day. Sometimes they 'overlapped' so there were two on the go for short periods. I'm well beyond 40!

EmptySuitcase · 27/08/2021 23:59

Please can you explain to an old dinosaur like me why mine is a ‘relationship’ and yet your identical sounding set-up is a ‘FWB’? I’m so lost about today’s dating terms/rules!

I'm also over 40.

I suppose the difference is that you and your partner have feelings for each other and are committed to each other? Maybe you see a future together?

I don't have that with either of these men.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 28/08/2021 00:05

I always start resenting a partner for not looking after me 100% of the time and get angry with them, which ruins it. None of this is conscious.

2.5 years of therapy and I'm hoping I might have broken the duck. Therapy at the right time and place really can be revelatory.