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Original poster

Why are my fwbs better than my relationships?

65 replies

EmptySuitcase · 27/08/2021 14:57

It's been a long time since i've had a relationship.

In the past couple of years, I've had fwbs after deciding I wasn't going to bother with relationships anymore. I currently have two. We behave mostly like friends. We go out, go to gigs, out for dinner, hang out and watch films, cook for each other, go out with other friends, phone often, text frequently and sometimes we have sex. The sex is also better than I've had in relationships. Just a better experience all round.

In all cases, without exception, my fwbs have treated me better and are nicer, more affectionate, more tender and more 'loving' towards me than anyone I've had a relationship with.

I spent the night with one last night. We went out for dinner, flirted, walked around town holding hands, he stopped to kiss me. We woke up this morning, he smiled at me and kissed my forehead. We had sex again and he fell asleep afterwards holding my hand.

The next thing I knew I had tears rolling down my face. Neither of us wants more than fwb so it's not an issue with that but I realised that no 'boyfriend' I've ever had has ever done those nice things.

Why are my fwbs better than my relationships?

OP posts:
Holidaytan · 28/08/2021 00:21

My husband is affectionate, sweet, thoughtful and loves doing little surprises for me. Not all men are dicks in relationships.

MuckyPlucky · 28/08/2021 00:26

Yes, we have feelings for eachother, although we don’t express them much I guess. We don’t talk about the future as moving in together isn’t really an option for a few years, and we don’t know where we’ll be by then in our lives.

I’m just starting to worry (genuinely) if what we have is actually a FWB? We’ve not had the easiest ride of things (a COVID romance mostly) and I’m wondering now if maybe we’re a FWB? We’re totally exclusive though, and trust eachother, and prioritise our set weekly time together over other things, so maybe it’s more a relationship than a FWB? I don’t know, I’m getting lost about all the distinctions Confused

Sakurami · 28/08/2021 00:28

All my boyfriends, even the ones who turned shit were like that. My boyfriend of over a year is still like that even with domesticity thrown in (don't live together though). I think you must have had really bad luck with relationships to find this extraordinary.

I also don't understand fwb either though. Also a one man at a time person and only have sex if feelings involved.

MuckyPlucky · 28/08/2021 00:37

I’ve just googled FWB to learn more about what they really consist of and where the boundaries are b/w FWB & relationships. According to every single website I saw, the following things are big no-no’s in FWB set-ups as they are actually a sign that it is in fact a relationship on one or both parties minds:

-spending the whole night / waking up together

  • going out for meals/dates
  • speaking every day

So I don’t think I was necessarily barking up the wrong tree with my initial questioning of your original post, OP, in saying that you sound like you’re actually having 2 relationships at once, rather than various FWB arrangements. Sounds like at least one of these FWB situations is actually a relationship. No wonder it sounds uncannily similar to my actual relationship (of 2 years). At least this has dispelled any sudden paranoia that I got that my r’ship could be called a FWB! Phew!

KingdomScrolls · 28/08/2021 01:22

I always thought a FWB was either essentially a late night booty call or an actual friend you sometimes drunkenly fell into bed with after a group night out, and laughed it off in the morning. All the dates, hanging out etc would've been what we called 'seeing someone' as opposed to going out with someone, essentially implying a more casual approach to dating, even I was younger and I'm in my mid thirties

Hawkins001 · 28/08/2021 01:47

@EmptySuitcase

It's been a long time since i've had a relationship.

In the past couple of years, I've had fwbs after deciding I wasn't going to bother with relationships anymore. I currently have two. We behave mostly like friends. We go out, go to gigs, out for dinner, hang out and watch films, cook for each other, go out with other friends, phone often, text frequently and sometimes we have sex. The sex is also better than I've had in relationships. Just a better experience all round.

In all cases, without exception, my fwbs have treated me better and are nicer, more affectionate, more tender and more 'loving' towards me than anyone I've had a relationship with.

I spent the night with one last night. We went out for dinner, flirted, walked around town holding hands, he stopped to kiss me. We woke up this morning, he smiled at me and kissed my forehead. We had sex again and he fell asleep afterwards holding my hand.

The next thing I knew I had tears rolling down my face. Neither of us wants more than fwb so it's not an issue with that but I realised that no 'boyfriend' I've ever had has ever done those nice things.

Why are my fwbs better than my relationships?

For me, it's because it's can be as and when you meet, plus you spend time apart, in my experience you appreciate each other more, and make the extra effort, at the moment I'm in a similar situation and as and when we get together it's a nice connection, we appreciate each other more and try to make a good effort with each other.
Original poster
EmptySuitcase · 28/08/2021 02:29

They're both friends.

One I've known for over 20 years. We lost touch for a few years but became reacquainted around 5 years ago. He was married until around 4 months before 'benefots' were added to our friendship. He's openly said he really likes me, we have fun amd he enjoys spending time withe but he isn't in a place for a relationship right now. He's going through a divorce at the moment and isn't in the headspace for anything more. Whether he'd want me if he were is a different matter! He's the one I saw on Friday night.

The other one I've been friends with for about 3 years. We just progressed from friendship. We did talk about it once - what we were doing - and he said, "I don't know, I suppose we're friends with benefits." Which I was happy with - we also enjoy spending time together. But I wouldn't want anything more with him.

- spending the whole night / waking up together
- going out for meals/dates
- speaking every day

I don't know, I do these things, except for speaking every, with both of then but then I do them with my other friends too. You do sleepover at friends houses and go out for meals etc. You don't do those things with fuck buddies.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmptySuitcase · 28/08/2021 02:31

Oh should have said, I wouldn't want a relationship with first man either.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmptySuitcase · 28/08/2021 02:45

I don't have romantic feelings towards either of them.

OP posts:
Mummadeze · 28/08/2021 03:35

It sounds like you are dating both of them in non serious relationships to me. I don’t really get the friends with benefits thing either. But surely you will find someone you fancy more who also is romantic and affectionate at some point. Just keep looking.

TedMullins · 28/08/2021 08:38

@MuckyPlucky

I’ve just googled FWB to learn more about what they really consist of and where the boundaries are b/w FWB & relationships. According to every single website I saw, the following things are big no-no’s in FWB set-ups as they are actually a sign that it is in fact a relationship on one or both parties minds:

-spending the whole night / waking up together

  • going out for meals/dates
  • speaking every day

So I don’t think I was necessarily barking up the wrong tree with my initial questioning of your original post, OP, in saying that you sound like you’re actually having 2 relationships at once, rather than various FWB arrangements. Sounds like at least one of these FWB situations is actually a relationship. No wonder it sounds uncannily similar to my actual relationship (of 2 years). At least this has dispelled any sudden paranoia that I got that my r’ship could be called a FWB! Phew!

Does it matter what you or other people call your relationship though? Whether people are living together, or seeing multiple men/women for dinner and sex on a weekly basis, as long as everyone’s happy why does it need a label and definition? I had an FWB for 10 years and we did all of those things - dinner, day trips, cuddling, staying over etc. We also used to go on each other’s tinder and talk about who else we were dating, and I only say him every few months. It definitely wasn’t a relationship.
MuckyPlucky · 28/08/2021 11:20

I guess I’m just interested in learning more about the changing landscape/terminology of relationships, that’s all.
I find it genuinely interesting the way these things change over time, and the way definitions differ between people, societies and eras. It interests me, and also I guess I find it helpful to understand what people mean by using certain terms as a short-hand.

nuro · 28/08/2021 11:46

I think now you have had lovely experiences with nice guys who treat you well that your boundaries will be stronger for when you start dating.

Look for how the other person makes you feel, if you want tenderness and loving touches then have those qualities in mind when dating. There are lovely guys out there, you have to be strong & open and keep away from all the numerous shit ones.

Sounds like your current FWBs are good templates for your next actual relationship

coronaway · 28/08/2021 11:48

I don't understand not having romantic feelings towards them yet still wanting to sleep with them? Maybe I'm just wired different.

Hawkins001 · 28/08/2021 12:06

@coronaway

I don't understand not having romantic feelings towards them yet still wanting to sleep with them? Maybe I'm just wired different.
It's like, you find them attractive and want to enjoy the time together, but at the same time, you don't want to fall in love with them,
LanternIsle · 28/08/2021 12:12

Personally I liken FWBs to trauma bonding!

Very funny (possibly a lot of truth!), Vanguard6.

Whoever made the point about no hassle about choosing which kind of margarine 🧈 made me laugh. Though choosing paint colours surely can be fun with someone?

I cannot answer your question OP. I guess it’s different for everyone. I’ve had casual relationships/ sex myself (what is probably now called FWB) esp when young but they can never last long unless I have a hope of something more exciting or meaningful. I also would not want to mislead someone else. I think its probably the same for many people, male or female.

I guess if it helps you short term, maybe go for it OP? But I think you need to keep other irons in the fire in your life generally, and be careful not to get focused on something that has a limited reality.

Notsurenow43 · 28/08/2021 12:13

Op, have a read of the book the ethical slut.
I'm in a similar situation to you AND also married

TedMullins · 28/08/2021 15:06

@coronaway

I don't understand not having romantic feelings towards them yet still wanting to sleep with them? Maybe I'm just wired different.
You can enjoy someone’s company and find them physically attractive enough to sleep with and enjoy, but realise that you’re not compatible as partners, or simply not want it to move beyond hanging out and sleeping together.
HereticFanjo · 28/08/2021 15:44

@Regularsizedrudy

Because fwb is basically a prolonged honeymoon period. Don’t be sad, enjoy those lovely moments, a relationship isn’t the be all and end all.
This.
Hawkins001 · 28/08/2021 16:25

@Notsurenow43

Op, have a read of the book the ethical slut. I'm in a similar situation to you AND also married
What's your perspectives of the book ? Is it intriguing ?
coronaway · 28/08/2021 16:46

@TedMullins Yes I agree but in this case it sounds like all aspects are good. I'm not sure why you wouldn't want a relationship with them.

TedMullins · 28/08/2021 18:24

Maybe neither of them want a relationship at all! That’s a valid way to feel

Original poster
EmptySuitcase · 28/08/2021 18:56

Yes I agree but in this case it sounds like all aspects are good. I'm not sure why you wouldn't want a relationship with them.

Ultimately, you know how there are differences in lifestyle/personality traits you can overlook in friends but you wouldn't overlook in a partner? Well those sorts of reasons really.

The attraction is there, the friendship is there but the compatibility for a relationship isn't.

Not only that but I've had so many bad experiences, I'm a bit once bitten, twice shy where relationships are concerned.

And I've got a child living at home who is my priority.

And it suits all concerned.

OP posts:
Justanotherquestioner · 28/08/2021 22:06

@Hawkins001 it's cemented in my mind that relationships need to be what we want them to be - not what society expects of us

Onlinedilema · 28/08/2021 22:13

I think the excitement is still there. Plus they are trying their best to please and satisfy you. Sounds ideal to me.