Why are my fwbs better than my relationships?

[EmptySuitcase]

It's been a long time since i've had a relationship.

In the past couple of years, I've had fwbs after deciding I wasn't going to bother with relationships anymore. I currently have two. We behave mostly like friends. We go out, go to gigs, out for dinner, hang out and watch films, cook for each other, go out with other friends, phone often, text frequently and sometimes we have sex. The sex is also better than I've had in relationships. Just a better experience all round.

In all cases, without exception, my fwbs have treated me better and are nicer, more affectionate, more tender and more 'loving' towards me than anyone I've had a relationship with.

I spent the night with one last night. We went out for dinner, flirted, walked around town holding hands, he stopped to kiss me. We woke up this morning, he smiled at me and kissed my forehead. We had sex again and he fell asleep afterwards holding my hand.

The next thing I knew I had tears rolling down my face. Neither of us wants more than fwb so it's not an issue with that but I realised that no 'boyfriend' I've ever had has ever done those nice things.

Why are my fwbs better than my relationships?

[quote Justanotherquestioner]@Hawkins001 it's cemented in my mind that relationships need to be what we want them to be - not what society expects of us[/quote]
Fair point, plus it's always intriguing to see, how people's perspectives are, in public so to speak, vs how they actually conduct their affairs, so to speak

@Hawkins001 interesting. My public persona is very different from my private one. I'm a very different person depending on where I am. Just different parts of my personality rather than hiding or suppressing anything

Think you've had bad luck with relationships.
Also it's a lot easier to find FWB who are affectionate etc etc because there's no commitment so people can be their best selves.

I would have thought the important thing with a FWB relationship would be to keep it very platonic and unromantic, though friendly, otherwise there is more danger that one or other of you would start to get more emotionally attached. If you are going on lovely dates, flirting, cuddling and so on it could easily happen.

Expectations are premeditated resentments

Do both your current FWBs know about each other?
If one of them suggested "giving a relationship a go" would you be pleased?
One of them sounds to me as if it's heading for relationship territory.

@Eviebeans

Do both your current FWBs know about each other? If one of them suggested "giving a relationship a go" would you be pleased? One of them sounds to me as if it's heading for relationship territory.

No they don't know about each other. If either of them asked if there was anyone else I'd be honest but I can't see what the need is to just announce it.

Hm... if one of them suggested giving a relationship a go would I be interested?

Hard to say. The one I've been 'with' for nearly 2 years, no. Although he would also be the hardest one to let go as we have met each other's friends and socialise together etc. Outr lives are both intertwined and separate. Eg, he and I have a night out planned in a couple of weeks with two of his friends. But we wouldn't be compatible in a relationship - he's quite serious and I sometimes think he thinks I'm a bit 'silly'.

The other one? I'd be more likely to consider on a personality level but he and I have such different lifestyles. I've been a single.parent for most of my adult life. I'm educated and have a professional career but I've never progressed through it because I prioritised my children growing up. He has his own business, travels extensively, is quite wealthy really - owns classic cars, is mortgage free, the lot. I wouldn't be able to keep up with him in a lifestyle sense and he's far more outgoing than me, everyone locally knows him. That kind of thing. He's lovely, very genuine and kind but I'd really be out of comfort zone with him.

However, he (the second one) has also made me see myself differently. He spends time with me because he likes me and find me attractive. I'm not an ego boost for him because he doesn't need one!

@DogFoodPie

I would have thought the important thing with a FWB relationship would be to keep it very platonic and unromantic, though friendly, otherwise there is more danger that one or other of you would start to get more emotionally attached. If you are going on lovely dates, flirting, cuddling and so on it could easily happen.

I always have kept them very platonic and unromantic in the past. The 'romance' element has been dictated by them really and, I won't lie, it's been quite nice to experience it.

The second one is more 'romantic' than the first.

I haven't developed feelings for either of them. I think there is probably a degree of attachment with the first on both sides but no more than that. It isn't about that just more a sadness that I can have 'loveliness' with them and a level of 'comittment' with them that I haven't had in a relationship.

The first definitely doesn't have feelings for me and I don't imagine the second does either.

@TractorAndHeadphones

Think you've had bad luck with relationships. Also it's a lot easier to find FWB who are affectionate etc etc because there's no commitment so people can be their best selves.

But even in the early days? Do people in relationships not hold hands or be affectionate with each other? Am I just too old now to find fun in relationships?

I have HFA and one of the traits is that you can be quite 'child like' at times. When I get excited I tend to clap, skip or jump on the spot. I know the first one is quite uncomfortable with this and boyfriends have been too (I think this is when he thinks I'm silly) whereas the second one doesn't care. He'll stand across a crowded pub and just watch me with a huge smile on his face. No one I've been in a relationship with has ever done that either!

Some people are affectionate, some people aren’t. If you search ‘love languages’ there’s a lot of info.
My DP has HFA and is also childlike. Very affectionate, we spend lots of time kissing and cuddling. I like this but my friends would baulk at being touched so much.

At the end of the day sometimes there’s a pattern in relationships (women constantly choosing abusive men, or men of a certain type for example). Sometimes there isn’t (all of my BF’s have been very different. Some good, some not.)
Only you will know which it is.

[quote Justanotherquestioner]@Hawkins001 interesting. My public persona is very different from my private one. I'm a very different person depending on where I am. Just different parts of my personality rather than hiding or suppressing anything[/quote]
With me I tend to not take my self too seriously and try to kinda blend in, be the unexciting but slightly odd person and when people say I'm odd I'll admit to it and embrace the oddity, I try not to seem to clever , partly because I'm still lots of learning to do on different topics but also because it helps to join in conversations to learn more, as for my shall we say "relationship", that's came about through mutual interests and we keep each other entertained. Overall I prefer to be more the joker or daft and strange one, as yes I make daft points at times but mainly it's to fit in and also intriguing to read how others conduct themselves and how they are around others,

You and I sound quite similar, Hawkins...

What are you expecting to feel that makes these fwbs different to a relationship? My husband and I are great friends that also fancy each other and have sex. How is that different to what you have? What do you mean by not having romantic feelings? Do you mean you don't love them? I'm quite confused to be honest.

@Jenala

What are you expecting to feel that makes these fwbs different to a relationship? My husband and I are great friends that also fancy each other and have sex. How is that different to what you have? What do you mean by not having romantic feelings? Do you mean you don't love them? I'm quite confused to be honest.

With me and the "relationship, we care about each other and enjoy activities together , but we are not falling in love as it were, it's passionate but at the same time emotionally detached, yes we want each other to be happy and enjoy the sessions, but we accept that that's where the line is drawn and that emotional ties are minimised as best as we can.

@EmptySuitcase

You and I sound quite similar, Hawkins...

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