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Original poster

Can I ask my partner to stop watching porn?

72 replies

nirvanaviolet · 26/08/2021 16:40

This is a bit awkward and embarrassing but I wanted to see if I could get some advice.

My partner has a very specific fetish. He's been open about this from the beginning of our two year relationship. Its a harmless fetish that a lot of men are into. He told me previously he sees to himself daily while watching these videos and pictures.

I didn't mind this while we were still having sex however since around Christmas we have rarely had sex. My sex drive hasn't changed but his has plummeted. Yet I know he is still watching porn.

He says his sex drive is low because of his weight (which to be fair to him he is working hard to try and reduce) , because of the stresses of wfh and the stress of us recently moving house. He says the porn makes jerking off easy and quick.

I'm beginning to realise that I'm really not OK with him watching porn. I used to be very acceptive of porn in general and used to use it myself but in the last year my view of it has completely changed and I don't like it at all.

My question is , is it controlling to ask him not to use it? And if not, how can I justify asking him to stop and how would I have that conversation?

OP posts:
MonkeyToez · 26/08/2021 17:55

You would not be unreasonable to express your opinion to him but I would say you can't really expect him to stop watching porn because you've suddenly decided you don't like it after apparently not caring for whatever length of time.

Is it the porn specifically that is the issue or the masturbating in general?

Masturbation and sex are two different things and he hasn't replaced sex with masturbation, he is entitled to do what he wants with his own body whilst choosing not to have sex because he feels self conscious about his body.

LawnFever · 26/08/2021 17:58

You can ask, but he’s within his rights to say no, especially when you’ve never had an issue before.

The problem isn’t really the porn though, it’s the lack of sex, what is he doing to address that because that’s the real issue here.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2021 17:59

I would be running for the hills if I were you. There is no fixing this, and his dependence on porn is only going to get worse. His fetish issue is another problem stacked on top.

Nope. Think about your needs and your future. This man is not for you.

Guineapigbridge · 26/08/2021 18:02

Ask him how he feels about his porn use, whether he sees it as a problem. Don't talk, listen. Go from there.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2021 18:04

You can ask him to do anything you wish, from giving you all his money to running naked round the block. Doesn’t mean he will do it.

Becayse he’s an adult with body autonomy and you don’t get to control his wanking habits.

KaptainKaveman · 26/08/2021 18:05

He won't have sex with you but uses porn every day. Please get rid. This isn't going to get better.

EarthSight · 26/08/2021 18:19

Its a harmless fetish that a lot of men are into

Probably feet or something similar then.

He says the porn makes jerking off easy and quick

It probably does, but a lot of men don't only want to have porn. They want a real woman in front of them.

Fetish men are sometimes happy or at least capable of forgoing a sexual relationship with their partner. That's because their primary sexual relationship isn't with the woman in their lives, it's with their fetish. For lack of a better comparison, you are the bit of side-salad to their much wanted stake.

He clearly has a sex drive, but probably finds 'normal' sex to be quite unsatisfying and just not worth it for him.

How long have you been together? I'm asking because it sounds to me like he's settling into what's normal for him. Having made a bit of an effort at the start of the relationship, he is now more comfortable with mostly addressing his own needs whilst feeling reassured he's got the girlfriend he wanted.

EarthSight · 26/08/2021 18:20

steak*

WallaceinAnderland · 26/08/2021 18:40

If it's this bad already I would end it and leave the sad man to his porn.

Colin56 · 26/08/2021 18:53

There are a few issues at play here.
The first is communication - it seems that your husband has been pretty clear about his fetish, the reasons for it and why he uses pornography. Lots of men don't talk about this. Thats pretty open and clear. He has also been clear about his bodily insecurities.

In your case you are questioning whether you have the right to ask him to stop and to justify your reasoning.

People are entitled to have a private sexual life without sharing this with anyone else. People in relationships are also reasonably entitled to some expectations as to what intimacy happens in their relationship.
From reading this it seems that you may be a bit taken aback at his openness and it has put you into a place where you just want it to stop. Is that correct?
You might want to ask yourself what does shared intimacy look like, how much of it is private? What is going to get both partners needs met?

What would make you happy: No masturbation? Masturbation but not talked about? Scheduled sex? No sex unless he stops using pornography?

You both come to the relationship with different needs, communication styles and sexual appetites.
What do you think you should do next? What are your choices do you think?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2021 18:57

You've only been together for 2 years and your sex life is already shit. This relationship needs to be over, unless you're happy not having a healthy sex life from now on.

dreamcup · 26/08/2021 19:01

I think it would reasonable to expect him to stop if it's impacting your sex life.

Maybe use the angle that it wasn't a dealbreaker while you were enjoying a healthy sex life but now you're not, you'd prefer if he didn't

dryasaboner · 26/08/2021 19:05

No chance would I be staying with a man who doesn't sleep with me but tugs himself off regularly

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2021 19:08

Using porn daily is an addiction surely. I wouldn’t have ever been okay with it but you were so I wouldn’t focus on that.

Tackle the no sex thing urgently, it would be a deal breaker for me. And they’re no bar of happiness or dissatisfaction you have to meet to end a relationship. If it’s not working for you it’s okay to be honest about that.

Being rejected in favour of wanking over (presumably women?) who’ve probably been coerced or abused would turn my stomach.

Nomorefuckstogive · 26/08/2021 19:09

It isn’t controlling to ask. If he cares about how you feel, surely he should try to reduce it or stop? Ultimately he chooses, however.

me4real · 26/08/2021 19:11

There's no harm in asking. You woul just be expressing how you feel, which there's nothing wrong with doing.

Then it'd be upto him whether he acted on your wishes or not.

I would focus on saying to him that you think maybe your sex life would be better if he gave up/cut down the porn @nirvanaviolet , rather than your other concerns about porn (not that there's anything 'wrong' with your feelings about it.)

That way it's not primarily you that's changed and altered the status quo- he's changed and it's made things worse, and you'd like him to do what he can to potentially help fix that.

I hope he loses weight soon and it makes things better. Does he have to WFH or could he choose to go in instead, if he somehow finds WFH stressful?

me4real · 26/08/2021 19:14

Ask him how he feels about his porn use, whether he sees it as a problem.Don't talk, listen. Go from there.

@Guineapigbridge They hardly ever admit/claim that unless they've been caught paying for stuff. And OP's feelings are just as important as his.

ohhhhdear · 26/08/2021 19:18

@Aquamarine1029

I would be running for the hills if I were you. There is no fixing this, and his dependence on porn is only going to get worse. His fetish issue is another problem stacked on top.

Nope. Think about your needs and your future. This man is not for you.

Everyone has fetishes, that's not the issue

Threebagsfullxyz · 26/08/2021 19:18

*I would be running for the hills if I were you. There is no fixing this, and his dependence on porn is only going to get worse. His fetish issue is another problem stacked on top.

Nope. Think about your needs and your future. This man is not for you.*

This

TheFoundations · 26/08/2021 19:23

Isn't it really the case that you want him to stop wanting to watch porn? Would you be happy if he stopped but really missed it and really wanted to look at it?

CaMePlaitPas · 26/08/2021 19:29

Is it the porn or the lack of intimacy? I've put on weight since having kids and, although I'm sure my husband has noticed, he doesn't make me feel awkward, in fact we are more intimate than ever. I'm not sure I'd put the man in the bin straight away but you do need an honest conversation centred on your relationship and YOUR needs.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2021 19:35

Everyone has fetishes, that's not the issue

"Everyone" most certainly does not.

Colin56 · 26/08/2021 19:38

@Aquamarine1029

Everyone has fetishes, that's not the issue

"Everyone" most certainly does not.

Whether you call them fetishes or not - most people have a sexual identity, needs and desires. Lots of people have very private specific fetishes & likes.
EarthSight · 26/08/2021 19:40

@ohhhhdear A fetish is not the same as a sexual desire. I think you really don't know anything about fetishes if you think that, and it's a line that could be parroted at women in order to normalise, and therefore get them to accept things that makes them feel comfortable.

Off to Reddit and Fetlife you go.

daisyjgrey · 26/08/2021 19:40

@Aquamarine1029

Everyone has fetishes, that's not the issue

"Everyone" most certainly does not.

Alright, calm down, don't dislodge your pearls.

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