Can I ask my partner to stop watching porn?

[nirvanaviolet]

This is a bit awkward and embarrassing but I wanted to see if I could get some advice.

My partner has a very specific fetish. He's been open about this from the beginning of our two year relationship. Its a harmless fetish that a lot of men are into. He told me previously he sees to himself daily while watching these videos and pictures.

I didn't mind this while we were still having sex however since around Christmas we have rarely had sex. My sex drive hasn't changed but his has plummeted. Yet I know he is still watching porn.

He says his sex drive is low because of his weight (which to be fair to him he is working hard to try and reduce) , because of the stresses of wfh and the stress of us recently moving house. He says the porn makes jerking off easy and quick.

I'm beginning to realise that I'm really not OK with him watching porn. I used to be very acceptive of porn in general and used to use it myself but in the last year my view of it has completely changed and I don't like it at all.

My question is , is it controlling to ask him not to use it? And if not, how can I justify asking him to stop and how would I have that conversation?

There is of course a lot of variation, but in the first 2 years it's not unusual for new couples (esp when young) to be so into each other that they have sex daily or more often. If I were in your position I'd be really hurt if my partner wanked every day to videos of random exploited women and was hardly ever having sex with me.
It is positive I supposed that he's been honest because it means you can raise the issue and discuss how to change it. Maybe depends how important this "fetish" is.

ALso as a PP said, in pre-internet days a guy who wanked to porn daily would be considered quite deviant and obsessed. Sadly it's been normalised by phones for some reason.
You don't have to accept this, even if you did in the beginning.

It's a tough one.

Lots of people with fetishes watch porn. It can be an easy way to get that need met. It can be healthy.

Is it something you could do together, his fetish I mean?

If not, I would potentially leave it alone. Express that you feel upset and hurt that he doesn't want a physical connection to you but continues to use porn.

If he doesn't listen it's something you'll have to decide if you can accept or not.

Oh here we go... that old chestnut: You've been shelved because of his wank fodder.
That's basically what's happened here, OP.
His sex drive hasn't plummeted. His desire to have sex with you has plummeted. He's fine with the fetish on the screen. He can come to that, just not to you.
Sorry for my bitterness. I'm just on the cusp of starting divorce proceedings (for a myriad of reasons) but the main one being, I am 49 years old and have spent 8 years of this decade celibate because of my 'overweight' husband who 'works so hard' and 'can't get it up' but still 'fancies me' and finds me attractive (gee, thanks for that. I feel better already!) and blah fucking blah blah blah. I've spent the best years of my life not getting laid because a fucking screen was getting it. I have been rendered unfuckable thanks to porn. Oh, he'll have a list of excuses longer than the Torah Scrolls.
Can you accept being permanently shelved? Because I can tell you that this will be the ending to your story.

He sounds like a Prince amongst men, doesn't he.

Oh and let me just add, WHY?? Why the fuck should you accommodate his porn viewing and even explore this with him in the vague hope that you might get a crumb of attention? It's downright abusive, I realise. My husband tried this with me. Instead of my husband trying to reach out to me, I had to try and do his shit in an effort to try and resuscitate a dead bedroom. Fuck that, OP. Fuck that for a laugh.
People share fetishes and porn viewing because it's part of their active and healthy sex life. Fine.
But to feel coerced into watching porn and partaking in a fetish in an effort to overcome your partner's stone-cold rejection of you is just enslaving yourself to a humiliating relationship. This is not love.
I can only have sex with you if you do it my way and even then, I won't get hard for you unless I can see 'her'/'it/whatever the fuck it is that gets me hard on a screen is just the worst sex life ever.

Sorry to rant... and sorry if what I've written isn't quite relevant to you OP. I've got my own unpacking to do. Sorry to do it here on your thread.
I guess the takeaway here is that you're not ok with the long-term rejection you've been experiencing, his unilateral shelving of your sex life, without your consent, because of his porn viewing. I think if your sex life was totally healthy and loving, the porn might not bother you half as much. But you've been replaced by porn. Christmas is a long time, OP. Your longhauling it here. You're in dead bedroom territory.

You're longhauling it

Come on MN, get an edit button!
Right, I'll stop posting now.

Thanks for all your replies. I've just been reading through them now, I didn't expect so many people to reply!

The fetish is feet, as some of you guessed.

While I don't understand this fetish, I would be more than happy for him to indulge in this with me. I've also asked if we could perhaps watch the porn together. He doesn't want to do any of this as he says he is ashamed of what he is into, despite him initially being very open about it at the start of our relationship.

He decided off his own back to stop watching porn a few months ago. However when i asked him how it was going a few days later he said he had started watching it again.

I think he has a wank after ive gone to bed. We sleep separately in different rooms because of his snoring and our shift differences but always make time for a cuddle in bed together before we go our separate ways. I've tried initiating sex countless time but i don't want to get into sex pest territory. As some of you rightly say, if the roles were reversed, it'd be wrong if he was pestering me into sex every night. He always says that he will tell me whwn he is in the mood so i don't have to keep asking.

I know I need to sit down and have a big conversation with him. I don't want to have to leave him, i want to work through this if i can.

Two years in wanking behind your back and separate rooms? Run, don't walk

He needs to either be Tom Hardy have an unlimited bank balance or a solid gold cock

OP hes being very selfish here. You need to have a proper conversation with him about his porn use and how its effecting you and your marraige. Tell him you will not stay ina sexless marraige where you feel unwanted or not desired. Ask him if he still fancies you and finds you desirable, and if so he needs ti show it. He clearly has a sex drive when hes masterbating watching porn. However fails to involve you in that or have your needs met.

@dryasaboner

Two years in wanking behind your back and separate rooms? Run, don't walk

I mean I don't have a problem with separate rooms as it means I can get a good nigjt sleep, it's not his fault he snores and that im a light sleeper! But obviously it does mean that opportunities for sex are few and far between haha.

Thats where you are wrong op. You still can have oppertunities to have sex if you both make the effort weather you both sleep in separate rooms or not. When the DC were babies me and my OH slept seperatly so he could get a good nights sleep before work.

Sorry posted too soon. Just to say we still had oppertunities to have sex.

Must admit I’m totally baffled by anyone finding feet something to wank over.

A fixation to a pair of breasts or a woman's bum for sexual gratification would be a fetish. A common one, but still a fetish

@ohhhhdear Unless it's to an extreme amount that isn't a fetish- it's typical sexual behaviour of all populations all over the world, or at least most. A fetish (paraphilia) is a sexual interest different from the norm of sex with a partner.

I don't think it's about the opportunities. OP has said they're rarely having sex due to her partner's daily wanking to his particular porn only two years in ( for most people still roughly the honeymoon period).

That's the issue.

The hills >> they're that way OP >>

Two years in and you are sleeping separately due to his snoring, he's not wanting sex with you but has a wank every day, wtf is keeping you there?

Being honest about his fetish is just him manipulating you into thinking it's ok for him to do this. It is not ok to watch porn every day and neglect your partner.

Two years in and you should still making an effort for each other and it appears he is not.

@ohhhhdear A fetish is not a fixation with breasts or bum. It is something which is usually a non sexually body part. A fetish is self gratification and selfish.

@nirvanaviolet it's not a harmless fetish, it is harming you. He may say his weight means that he does not have the energy to have sex with you, but the reality is, why does he need to spend time pleasing you when he can just please himself?

If he's saying his weight is the problem, you could be waiting for years / forever for him to sort that out. And the longer a relationship is sexless, the harder it is to fix. Plenty of people who are not happy with v their bodies still have fulfilling sex lives. I think that part is bull.

@DivorcedAndDelighted

If he's saying his weight is the problem, you could be waiting for years / forever for him to sort that out. And the longer a relationship is sexless, the harder it is to fix. Plenty of people who are not happy with v their bodies still have fulfilling sex lives. I think that part is bull.

Yeah, he has put on six stone or so since covid began so i imagine itll take a while for him to lose the weight again. He's always been a larger guy though so i don't think his weight is the issue really. Not the main issue anyway.

An additional six stone on a larger guy, why don't you think this is not the main issue? What is the main issue?

He used porn every day for over two years but it's only since Christmas that the sex has evaporated.

He has told you that his weight has reduced his sex drive, except it's only reduced his sex drive for you not for his fetish.

Take the fetish out and is it acceptable for any partner to say they have no sex drive because of their weight so they wank every day instead?

Does this not translate to I can't be bothered to make the effort for you, but I can for me?

If he lost that weight and had sex again would you be ok with the porn?

If so then the weight is the main issue.