Can I ask my partner to stop watching porn?

[nirvanaviolet]

This is a bit awkward and embarrassing but I wanted to see if I could get some advice.

My partner has a very specific fetish. He's been open about this from the beginning of our two year relationship. Its a harmless fetish that a lot of men are into. He told me previously he sees to himself daily while watching these videos and pictures.

I didn't mind this while we were still having sex however since around Christmas we have rarely had sex. My sex drive hasn't changed but his has plummeted. Yet I know he is still watching porn.

He says his sex drive is low because of his weight (which to be fair to him he is working hard to try and reduce) , because of the stresses of wfh and the stress of us recently moving house. He says the porn makes jerking off easy and quick.

I'm beginning to realise that I'm really not OK with him watching porn. I used to be very acceptive of porn in general and used to use it myself but in the last year my view of it has completely changed and I don't like it at all.

My question is , is it controlling to ask him not to use it? And if not, how can I justify asking him to stop and how would I have that conversation?

@KaptainKaveman

He won't have sex with you but uses porn every day. Please get rid. This isn't going to get better.

Where's the empathy for this man?

I just read this in the Guardian today: www.facebook.com/10513336322/posts/10160496538931323/?d=n

It's a man complaining that his wife is too tired to have sex with him yet has bought a vibrator. They have a 1 year old and a 2 year old.

All the comments are along the lines of "I empathise with your wife, she's tired, stressed and probably self-conscious about her body, it's reasonable that she doesn't want sex but might just want a quick release, give her space and your sex life will improve in time"

OP describes a man who is also tired, stressed and self-conscious about his body, and yet on this thread the empathy is severely lacking!

It would be a massive turn off for me if someone would rather wank away to whatever fetish online than have sex with me. I mean what's the point then?

Sex to me is intimacy and connection. Makes you close.

If he'd rather do it predominantly with his right hand he can get in the bin.

@daisyjgrey I assume that you think you're quite amusing with that reply.

Look at me - sex positive!!! I can belittle and patronise women, whilst giving a little wink towards the boys. I'm not like those pearl-clutchers! I'm cool!

God........pathetic.

@AllAroundTheWorldYeah Maybe he is tired, or maybe his main sexual focus on his fetish and always will be?

it sounds like his brain has been rewired by the porn with the constant and regular dopamine fixes. If he doesn't quit and return to normal sexual behaviour with you then you should start extricating yourself from the relationship, life's too short.

He's happy wanking every day and not going near you?

Life is too short OP to put up with being treated as second best to wanking. Just end it now.

This thread , like many others, is veering into 'Leave him immediately 'territory. Thats not real life relationships. Mens sexual outlets particularly around masturbation are very different from womens - not better or worse just different. The masturbation is not the issue - the communication is.

Everything means something...so what does her partmners masturbating mean to the OP? Makes her feel like second best? Unwanted? Maybe masturbation and couples sex is the answer - the question is - Why is there no couples sex? Lack of desire? No communication? Can't get over the masturbation issue?

This requires discussion not walking out.

@daisyjgrey

” Alright, calm down, don't dislodge your pearls.”

Do you seriously think this is an okey thing to say?

I'm not saying of course that the OP has to accept this or should solve the problem, she is fully able to decide to leave if its not to her liking.

[quote EarthSight]**@ohhhhdear* A fetish is not* the same as a sexual desire. I think you really don't know anything about fetishes if you think that, and it's a line that could be parroted at women in order to normalise, and therefore get them to accept things that makes them feel comfortable.

Off to Reddit and Fetlife you go.[/quote]

You sound very uptight. No need to be nasty. A fixation to a pair of breasts or a woman's bum for sexual gratification would be a fetish. A common one, but still a fetish

Op even said this isn't the issue. What's your problem, dear?

[quote EarthSight]@daisyjgrey I assume that you think you're quite amusing with that reply.

Look at me - sex positive!!! I can belittle and patronise women, whilst giving a little wink towards the boys. I'm not like those pearl-clutchers! I'm cool!

God........pathetic.[/quote]

Haven't seen anyone dismiss OP's concerns. Fixating on something that isn't the issue doesn't help her, does it?

AllAroundTheWorldYeah

KaptainKaveman
He won't have sex with you but uses porn every day. Please get rid. This isn't going to get better.

Where's the empathy for this man?

I just read this in the Guardian today: www.facebook.com/10513336322/posts/10160496538931323/?d=n

It's a man complaining that his wife is too tired to have sex with him yet has bought a vibrator. They have a 1 year old and a 2 year old.

All the comments are along the lines of "I empathise with your wife, she's tired, stressed and probably self-conscious about her body, it's reasonable that she doesn't want sex but might just want a quick release, give her space and your sex life will improve in time"

OP describes a man who is also tired, stressed and self-conscious about his body, and yet on this thread the empathy is severely lacking!

*
What are talking about?
This thread has a lot of empathy towards the man, not that anyone should feel empathy towards a dude you uses porn....

I'm curious what the fetish is, and if it's changed.

I think a worry with porn is that it is so easy to push boundaries until a real person just doesn't cut it anymore.
Is that what is happening?

And yes, a dependance on a vibrator while ignoring your husband is just lazy.

@ohhhhdear

You sound very uptight. No need to be nasty

XD

I called you out on your demeaning attitude and for that I am labelled 'nasty'. Haha - nice fucking try. Doesn't work on me because I don't care if women (or maybe men) like you think I'm nasty.

Also, what a wonderful touch in trying the same technique on me, but you're only showing us more of yourself as you do so......dear.

Would you leave him if this didn't stop?
How serious a thing is this for you.

You can ask him, of course you can, but if he is using this every day it sounds like he is addicted.. so may just hide from you that he's doing it. Or if he outright says no, then what?

Walk away.

He's choosing the easy route to gratification, leaving you miserable.

Doing this everyday is an addiction.

OP as someone who is currently considering divorce and has two young children, due to 'D'H's porn use getting worse and worse and our actual sex life worsening too, I would advise to get out while you can.

If he prefers a quick wank than a proper relationship just cut him loose op...

The porn has wiped out your sex life Look at it like this if there was no access to porn your sex life would no doubt return. if it didn't I would assume he didn't find me in any way sexually attractive. His using it daily so I think its an addiction. He may not be able to just stop he may need professional help and he also has to want to stop Sit down and have a proper talk with him

Why are you still with him? Wanking everyday to porn is surely a massive turn off for you, why would you even want to have sex with him ... has he no other hobbies or interests except wanking ?

Get rid of him, get some self respect, why have such low standards about a relationship?

As a man I know from personal experience that masturbation reduces your desire for sex with a partner. Doing it every day to the extent that it takes away your desire completely - which is obviously the case here - is selfish and inconsiderate. The OP has sensibly not tried to ban him from watching porn or wanking from time to time - most men do both of these and would find it unreasonable to be told not to if it is not impacting on their ability to satisfy their DP. But in this case he has clearly come to prefer porn to sex and that is an obvious red flag which brings the relationship into doubt.

There is another issue here— I think plenty of us are well aware of our Hs use, don’t want to rock the boat , but it totally gives you the creeps with regards to sex with them- there’s plenty of men out there creating a totally viscious circle for themselves and think us women are idiots— and no I’m Not cool about it when it’s anything more than occasional — if in the 70s and 80s blokes had been looking at videos or magazines daily you would have thought they were a bloody pervert but because it’s on a phone, people think it’s fine

[quote EarthSight]@daisyjgrey I assume that you think you're quite amusing with that reply.

Look at me - sex positive!!! I can belittle and patronise women, whilst giving a little wink towards the boys. I'm not like those pearl-clutchers! I'm cool!

God........pathetic.[/quote]

Oh give over.

Nobody is dismissing anything. OP is perfectly within her rights to sit and discuss that she doesn't feel ok with her husbands porn use any more. She has complete autonomy in this.

But people like you with your Daily Mail reactions don't actually get any body anywhere.

God...pathetic.