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Original poster

3 months too soon?

77 replies

Newlife16 · 26/08/2021 12:26

Back story I am 40 next year, have a LO and want another which will have to be in the next few years...

Anyway, I've been seeing this guy ( he is 34) for 3 months plus, he is at my house all the time, stays over 3 to 5 nights a week sometimes will stay a few days at a time, always calling me etc..at about 6 weeks in I had the 'what are we chat' as he accidently met my LO. He said he wasn't with anyone else, was with me all the time, but didn't want pressure etc....he didn't delete his dating apps but said was not meeting anyone..

Anyway its now been 3 months plus, he leaves laundry here, has a drawer etc...but when I asked about a relationship, he said

I was forcing it, he wanted to be sure and feel secure and ready with me.. he said he knows he likes me and that he wants to be with me and makes things happen, but won't make me his girlfriend.

I don't want to pressure him, but am I right in thinking this is enough time to know if you do want it or not?

He is a bit younger than me, may be its a life stage thing. But I have told him that I want a relationship and another child.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 26/08/2021 12:28

He’s secure with enough to rip the piss out of your good nature. He gets sex and a free b&b 5 days a week but doesn’t want to name it???? Fuck that love, raise the bar you deserve better.

Abouttoblow · 26/08/2021 12:29

If he's not ready for a relationship let him stay at his own place, do his own laundry and take you out on dates - if he believes you're just dating

Itonlymakesyoustronger · 26/08/2021 12:30

3 months Is far too early! Why wont he deleted dating apps - That's a massive red flag to me.

IMO if your asking if 3 months is too soon, then yes! some relationships develop sooner, some later but the fact you are questioning whether its too soon is probably a sign it is too soon.

Original poster
Newlife16 · 26/08/2021 12:33

Yes I have been in relationships that developed later but in that situation they were not spending so much time with me.

OP posts:
insidenumber5 · 26/08/2021 12:35

The fuck are you doing inviting a man into your kid's life who cares so little about you that he won't even commit to being your 'boyfriend'?

Itonlymakesyoustronger · 26/08/2021 12:36

But sometimes majority of their time with you is not a always a sign of commitment is it?

He wont delete his dating apps, does his laundry at yours, stays with you most of the week but still doesn't want to be exclusive and playing the pressure card. His a free loader at this moment of time - He either steps up or steps down and reevaluates what he wants.

Opentooffers · 26/08/2021 12:37

You have a LO and in 3 months have virtually moved a new man itShock. Way too soon. It is soon enough to know if he is a BF though, which is not the case, and he's still on the apps. I hope you charge him rent, otherwise you have no boundaries at all it would seem.

Itonlymakesyoustronger · 26/08/2021 12:37

and you need to stop thinking about a baby with someone that cant even give your 'relationship' a name!

ExplodingCarrots · 26/08/2021 12:38

He's not even a proper boyfriend and he's been 'accidentally' introduced to your DC. Slow down. Stop him from staying over and only think about letting him be fully in your DC life when you're in a fully established relationship.

Suprima · 26/08/2021 12:40

He is using you as regular sex and a bed&breakfast. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend- you would be.

Men will lock things down the moment they know they want a relationship with a woman, dare anyone else snaps her up.

My personal timeline for a man wanting to make things exclusive is 2 months. But that would be with dating and courting, perhaps a few sleepovers if he is ‘eager to please’. Not days on end stints at my place.

Why have you essentially let a man move into your house who you aren’t in a committed relationship with? Stop letting him call the shots and empty that bloody drawer.

Original poster
Newlife16 · 26/08/2021 12:44

@Itonlymakesyoustronger

and you need to stop thinking about a baby with someone that cant even give your 'relationship' a name!
am not thinking of one with him, its just an in general what I want for my future thing.
OP posts:
SpaceBethSmith · 26/08/2021 12:45

@insidenumber5

The fuck are you doing inviting a man into your kid's life who cares so little about you that he won't even commit to being your 'boyfriend'?
This.

You should know better, ffs.

Original poster
Newlife16 · 26/08/2021 12:45

@ExplodingCarrots

He's not even a proper boyfriend and he's been 'accidentally' introduced to your DC. Slow down. Stop him from staying over and only think about letting him be fully in your DC life when you're in a fully established relationship.
my LO woke up early before he left, he had manged to come and go unseen previously. He's not in my DCs life. We try and keep it with them not seeing each other.
OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2021 12:46

What a cheeky bastard. Leaving laundry at yours and never out your bloody house but cant call you his gf.

I'm raging on your behalf op.

Tell the bastard to sling his hook.
If he 'doesn't know' 3 months in what he wants the he doesn't want a relationship with you. Sounds like he wants a mother though.

If you arent ready to walk yet then start setting boundaries on your personal space. Dont pick up if he calls too much. Tell him that no, he cant stay over more than the agreed amount. Tell him to take his bloody dirty clothes home with him. I'm betting he wont like that. And if he examples those boundaries or takes a huff about it, itll further confirm that he is a shit that you need to dump asap.

Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2021 12:48

*tramples not examples

Suprima · 26/08/2021 12:49

@Newlife16 - but OP, he shouldn’t be coming and doing. He’s not your boyfriend, you are dating. He should be taking you out to dinner, or you should be going for picnics and drinks…getting to know each other. He has essentially moved into your house!

I would arrange a summit with him this week and just say that things have moved far too fast. Give him his stuff and say that you need to take a few steps back. Put the ball in his court, and see if he arranges a date for you too- but prepared for him not to.

Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2021 12:53

Wait, bloody hell op, a baby? Why on earth are you thinking about a baby! Dont get pregnant with this bloodsucker no matter what you do. Get rid and find a nice person, not a user.

Original poster
Newlife16 · 26/08/2021 12:54

the laundry and expecting me to cook thing drives me nuts

OP posts:
Original poster
Newlife16 · 26/08/2021 12:59

@Pinkbonbon

Wait, bloody hell op, a baby? Why on earth are you thinking about a baby! Dont get pregnant with this bloodsucker no matter what you do. Get rid and find a nice person, not a user.
I'm not necessarily thinking about one with him, I just mean I want another child in the future.
OP posts:
Honeymare · 26/08/2021 13:05

He won't 'make you his girlfriend'?! What does that even mean? I assume he means he won't ask you if you want to progress to that stage.

He sounds horrible and I'm sorry to say OP you are putting your hand out to be slapped. Label or no label you should not be tolerating laundry and cooking requests. He should be making an effort to plan nice dates. If he wants food tell him at least half the time you'd like to go out or be cooked for. Pack up his dirty laundry and hand it back.

PostMenPatWithACat · 26/08/2021 13:08

OP if you have to ask, it's too soon and probably with the wrong man.

DH and I were bf and gf 33 years ago after the 2nd date. We have never really been apart since then. When you know, you know.

He's what is called, I believe, a Cock Lodger. Please get rid op.

Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2021 13:11

@Newlife16

the laundry and expecting me to cook thing drives me nuts
Well it's only 3 months in with a guy who has literally told you you arent even his partner so why are you tolerating that shit?

It seems you might have some boundary issues to work through for yourself before even thinking about having babies. Is there a history of abuse on your past at all? Or do you feel you may have issues with codependency? Because these are things that need to be worked through before thinking to bring another generation into things.

Of course, it could just be that this has been such a whirlwind that you have not stepped back to say 'hang on a minute, this is a bit full on and crazy'. But I hope you can see it now. Now that he has fucked up by letting it slip he doesn't even see you as his gf.

GreenTortoise · 26/08/2021 13:12

@Blanca87

He’s secure with enough to rip the piss out of your good nature. He gets sex and a free b&b 5 days a week but doesn’t want to name it???? Fuck that love, raise the bar you deserve better.
🔔 🔔
lunar1 · 26/08/2021 13:18

Why are you having a man you hardly know creeping in and out of your child's home?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2021 13:18

He shouldn’t be:

Staying over while your young child is at home
Expecting you to do his washing
Leaving his crap in your house
Staying so often irrespective of your child being there
Staying on dating apps while using you for sex
Stringing you along while you hope you’re good enough to be upgraded to girlfriend

You shouldn’t be putting up with or encouraging any of this. Why are you? Expect better for yourself.